My friends aren't good or reliable anymore

[Alex39]

I'm heartbroken. I planned an activity for my birthday. Turning 31.  But you have to go online and pre-purchase a slot ahead of time. Each person had to do it themselves. I ran it by my girl friends. Everyone okay'd it and said they were free that night and the cost was fine. If someone couldnt afford it, I would have picked a cheaper thing to do. It was $60 per person, but you get something nice to take home. You have to book by tomorrow at 2pm for a Saturday night slot.  It's typically non-refundable.  So I went online and booked mine after everyone else said they would. 

Tonight, one girl bailed out. She never booked. I don't think she ever intended to. She was the one saying how we should do a fun activity. 

Haven't heard from the other two girls, so I figure they are bailing too. They aren't answering any messages. So far, I'm going alone 😖😭

I'm spending my birthday alone. 

I feel like such a loser. I wish my friends had just been upfront that they either couldn't or didn't want to go. I didn't care. I would have never booked this. 

I feel like my friends don't care and aren't good friends. I feel so alone. 

I guess I'm not going alone alone now. One last girl, felt so bad when I told her everyone bailed, that she went and booked it. 

I don't want people to do it out of pity. Now she's trying to rally some girls from her church who I barely know to go with us. 

I just feel so sad. Like I have no friends. I live and work away from my family. Maybe I should just move back to my hometown. It seems all I have is them to rely on. They actually care about me. 

[boltnrun]

I'm sorry, Alex.

I'm guessing they were too embarrassed to tell you the cost was too high. TBH, that's a lot of money. I would have balked, but I would have told you so, not said yes and then not respond your messages 

One time a friend of mine wanted to get together to do something. She's married to a man who makes six figures. She pays $125 to get her hair cut and colored.  I'm a divorcee who at the time didn't make much. I dyed my own hair with box dye.  She suggested getting our nails done. I've never gotten my nails done, not once. I asked her how much it would cost. She said about $45. I was honest and told her I couldn't afford that much. I think we just ended up going out to breakfast which cost about $15. My point is, she has a different reality than I did. But I was honest and told her so. 

I threw myself a party when I turned 50. I booked a suite at a hotel and paid for it. I provided drinks and snacks. I just wanted my friends to show up. They did, and they even brought gifts (which I didn't expect) and we all had a great time. But I didn't ask for or require them to pay for anything.

I think your friends should have told you the event was too expensive or that they didn't have it in their budget. Maybe if they had said something you could have done something that wouldn't have required them to pay for anything like brunch at your home. Bailing out and ignoring your messages is unkind. If they're your friends they should be honest with you. 

I'm sorry you're hurt. I hope they make it up to you somehow.

[LootieTootie]

First off, Happy birthday! 

Secondly, I am sorry about your friends being flakes. Not making excuses, but that's just what happens. People get older and they get wrapped in their own little lives and care less about maintaining friendships. 

I also think folks on here have been telling you your friends succ and you should look for other circle of friends by doing extracurricular activities. Have you tried meetup groups? 

[Alex39]

Thanks, yeah I wish they just said "no" from the get go. I wouldn't have cared. I would have come up with an alternative. A cheap breakfast or something. They all said they were cool with it. It's really hurtful. Like just he honest. I wouldn't have left someone hanging like that. I booked and now I'm locked in. What if I was going alone? I guess I have my one friend who did it out of pity. 

[Jaunty]

12 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

 I guess I have my one friend who did it out of pity. 

I hope you can manage an attitude adjustment about this.  Your friend is being a friend.  The very thing you are complaining that you don't have.  So HAVE FUN and BE FUN, because that's how YOU be a good friend to the one who is there for you on your birthday.

[LootieTootie]

Yep the friend that's going with you is a keeper. She came thru when all your other friends flake.

[Alex39]

15 minutes ago, Jaunty said:

I hope you can manage an attitude adjustment about this.  Your friend is being a friend.  The very thing you are complaining that you don't have.  So HAVE FUN and BE FUN, because that's how YOU be a good friend to the one who is there for you on your birthday.

I know. I'm trying. She was being nice. She knew I felt bad. I think I was already feeling down about my loneliness and life. Then was so excited to have this fun night with my friends to lift my spirits. And they agreed to go. So then, when everyone went silent, it was such a hit to me. 

[Alex39]

8 minutes ago, LootieTootie said:

Yep the friend that's going with you is a keeper. She came thru when all your other friends flake.

And she tried to get some of her church friends to go. That was so thoughtful. 

[catfeeder]

1 hour ago, LootieTootie said:

...I also think folks on here have been telling you your friends succ and you should look for other circle of friends by doing extracurricular activities. Have you tried meetup groups? 

Yes, honey, this is true. You've been unhappy with these people for a long time. Maybe consider this your final signal that it's time to ditch these flakes and stretch past your comfort zone to meet new people.

So glad you are blessed with this keeper who shook out of this as a standout. Also know that you are right on time for a pretty common stage of cleaning one's address book down to just those who matter. You are far from alone in this--most of us go through at least one or two cycles of this. It doesn't make you a freak, it only feels that way. It's actually a universal stage of maturity. I'm sorry it feels lousy, but there is a metamorphosis on the other side of it.

Head high, and wishing for this to become your best year ever.

[Alex39]

25 minutes ago, catfeeder said:

Yes, honey, this is true. You've been unhappy with these people for a long time. Maybe consider this your final signal that it's time to ditch these flakes and stretch past your comfort zone to meet new people.

So glad you are blessed with this keeper who shook out of this as a standout. Also know that you are right on time for a pretty common stage of cleaning one's address book down to just those who matter. You are far from alone in this--most of us go through at least one or two cycles of this. It doesn't make you a freak, it only feels that way. It's actually a universal stage of maturity. I'm sorry it feels lousy, but there is a metamorphosis on the other side of it.

Head high, and wishing for this to become your best year ever.

Thanks. I guess I'm in this phase where everything seems so hard. I feel like I never had to try so hard at 21 or 25. But now, owning a house is hard, working is hard, financials are hard, friendships are hard work, working out is way harder, managing everything is so hard. I feel like I can never catch a break. I'm constantly working hard. I look around me and see all these people and they have help. I'm alone always, just doing everything alone. I'm sick of having to work so hard to have friends. And hoping someone occasionally cares for me. I feel like besides my mom and dad, no one sees or cares about how hard my life is by myself. And not even physically having help, but emotionally just supportive. 

[mylolita]

Morning Alex,

I just wanted to say, it sucks when people bail and you're left cold - and I'm sorry for that.

But I just wanted to add a thought, from the other girls perspective. 

I'm 33, and I feel like, there is a general trend, in our generation (it bleeds into weddings and bachelorette parties too) for Birthdays to be events where, other friends have to book, pre-pay, to attend a Birthday event, normally all this is also arranged and talked about through WhatsApp. This has happened to me over 10 years in and out of different girl groups and circles and yes, weddings as well! 

From the other side, you get a message saying it's this date and this amount, and that leaves some people feeling either 1. embarrassed to say they can't afford it, 2. feeling like they can afford it but that it's too much money, too inappropriate or 3. feeling like a bad friend if they can't afford it and like the other friends are better because they can attend.

In my opinion, it puts people in a real awkward spot.

I heard from previous threads you like baking and cooking? Just as a suggestion for another time, another Birthday - why don't you bake up a storm, and invite all your girlfriends over to your house? Light a fire, light some candles, put on some low music - lay out cakes and treats you made and just have a general good time with Prosecco or coffee and teas or whatever drinks you want, a punch that compliments the tarts or goodies you made? It's free for them to attend, it's easy - it's intimate! You can chat, catch up! Enjoy each others company?

I throw dinner parties quite a bit, or have people over all the time for coffee and I'll warm a brownie up or lay out some warm scones or tea cake on the coffee table. Light a fire, have some music on, people never want to leave! It's still special! And it costs nothing for anyone to attend. You'll find they probably bring you flowers or a bottle or a present. It just avoids the awkwardness of having to book something online, or ask friends for an exact amount of money to go celebrate something with you.

Dinner sounds nice with your other friends. You don't need loads of friends! You just need one great one. Anymore is a cherry on top, in my opinion.

It's a real shame and not cool they never let you know in advance or weren't honest with you about why they couldn't make it. I guess you can learn from this and decide whether you give them another chance or cut them loose/fade them out and focus on the other people who show up for you!

x

[Batya33]

My friend turned 60 a few months ago.  She is a single parent of a tween.  Her partner -his dad -passed away suddenly 3 years ago (not covid, pre-covid).  She has 2-3 close friends other than me.  I met them.  They're kind of fancy.  She planned a trip to Europe -a 5 day trip -and asked them to go. She half-heartedly asked me.  I think she knew there was no way logistically I could swing it (I can afford it but wouldn't want to spend that kind of $ for a 5 day trip -jet lag is not my friend).  One by one her friends flaked (none of them have kids). Two asked if she'd reschedule for the spring but she knew she couldn't, not easily! So she was going to go alone and planned it all to the hilt -then she got word she was being laid off so she cancelled.  

I felt badly for her but also felt -that kind of was a lot to ask of friends in their 50s/up.  To go off to Europe in late fall and spend that sort of $.  For her 50th she took us to afternoon tea 45 minutes away including booking a special car service for all of us.  She paid.  It was elegant and extravagant and if she hadn't paid I could have afforded the tea but honestly not a fancy car service -meaning I wouldn't have wanted to spend my $ that way. 

Another friend for her 30th way back took us to tea at a hotel -they paid and for my 30th my then boyfriend -now husband -threw me a surprise brunch with about a dozen of my friends at a fancy hotel -he paid for all of it.  I couldn't have fathomed him asking my/our friends to pay for themselves at this fancy hotel.  My future inlaws insisted on paying for me to invite my husband's friends to a surprise 30th bday party at a restaurant -they didn't attend -wanted us to have a fun evening. 

That's how it was done back then.  I didn't ask for a party or anything nor would I have expected people to show up and pay for a fancy brunch. I was asked whether I wanted a combined bridal and baby shower or a dinner with the two women who offered.  I chose private dinner.  Low key and lovely. 

I think you're being a little unrealistic to expect people to buy expensive tickets in advance- even if they get something to take home -don't presume that is worth it to them- and also show up. People say yes and flake or feel awkward saying no IMO. 

So I can see where what you chose made people feel awkward/a bit put off.  I say go with your one friend and or alone and enjoy! I went to many places alone and still would -the theater, club med, movies, dinners, brunch, tours of places, you name it.  I think it's more than fine and often really fun! I even went to Epcot at Disney for a day on my own and had a blast -while my husband and son did Magic Kingdom.  

Also yes in age range of 30s there are many married/committed people and parents who completely prioritize friendships -I did!! - but it also requires adjustment.  Like not expecting this sort of night out.  Watch the episode of SATC with Carrie's expensive stolen shoes. Season 6 Episode 9 - ladies in their 30s in NYC.

I'm sorry you're disappointed. Happy almost bday!!

[Alex39]

I didn't just demand we go here and you buy tickets. 

I was super accommodating and chilled out about it. I asked my friends for suggestions on something to do together. No one had any. One friend, one who flaked, said we should do an activity. So I planned an activity. 

I said what about xyz and dinner after? My one friend said money was tight, so she could only do the activity or dinner. I said no problem and said "let's just do the activity" 

All agreed and said it was fine, they were free and wanted to do it. So I booked my ticket.  I didn't pressure anyone. I gave them all the details about it. Then- one girl bailed, crickets on the others. That's so rude. Knowing I had to book it for myself. 

I wouldn't let someone book something and then bail. 

One girl who is just refusing to answer. She has a bachelorette trip planned for herself.  I haven't paid yet. How would she feel if now, if I just bail and don't pay. They'd be pretty upset? Honestly, I'm considering it. It's the same situation kind of. Why am I going to be so nice and accommodating when I don't get that in return? 

[boltnrun]

6 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

How would she feel if now, if I just bail and don't pay. They'd be pretty upset? Honestly, I'm considering it.

I wouldn't do that exactly, but I also wouldn't attend. If she's ignoring your messages she is not a friend. 

[Alex39]

2 hours ago, mylolita said:

Morning Alex,

I just wanted to say, it sucks when people bail and you're left cold - and I'm sorry for that.

But I just wanted to add a thought, from the other girls perspective. 

I'm 33, and I feel like, there is a general trend, in our generation (it bleeds into weddings and bachelorette parties too) for Birthdays to be events where, other friends have to book, pre-pay, to attend a Birthday event, normally all this is also arranged and talked about through WhatsApp. This has happened to me over 10 years in and out of different girl groups and circles and yes, weddings as well! 

From the other side, you get a message saying it's this date and this amount, and that leaves some people feeling either 1. embarrassed to say they can't afford it, 2. feeling like they can afford it but that it's too much money, too inappropriate or 3. feeling like a bad friend if they can't afford it and like the other friends are better because they can attend.

In my opinion, it puts people in a real awkward spot.

I heard from previous threads you like baking and cooking? Just as a suggestion for another time, another Birthday - why don't you bake up a storm, and invite all your girlfriends over to your house? Light a fire, light some candles, put on some low music - lay out cakes and treats you made and just have a general good time with Prosecco or coffee and teas or whatever drinks you want, a punch that compliments the tarts or goodies you made? It's free for them to attend, it's easy - it's intimate! You can chat, catch up! Enjoy each others company?

I throw dinner parties quite a bit, or have people over all the time for coffee and I'll warm a brownie up or lay out some warm scones or tea cake on the coffee table. Light a fire, have some music on, people never want to leave! It's still special! And it costs nothing for anyone to attend. You'll find they probably bring you flowers or a bottle or a present. It just avoids the awkwardness of having to book something online, or ask friends for an exact amount of money to go celebrate something with you.

Dinner sounds nice with your other friends. You don't need loads of friends! You just need one great one. Anymore is a cherry on top, in my opinion.

It's a real shame and not cool they never let you know in advance or weren't honest with you about why they couldn't make it. I guess you can learn from this and decide whether you give them another chance or cut them loose/fade them out and focus on the other people who show up for you!

x

I see what you are saying. But I should spend hours upon hours baking for others and putting on a show at my house, when it's my birthday? Do you know how much work baking is? I like doing it, but how is that an enjoyable birthday for me? Catering and serving others? Cleaning up after all the mess? Having to throw a party at my house for myself. Gosh, I thought I was a loser before not getting anyone to meet up. But then throwing myself a party, doing oodles of work, and my friends show up to all the work I did on my birthday? That's kind of sad and depressing. 

[boltnrun]

2 hours ago, Alex39 said:

I see what you are saying. But I should spend hours upon hours baking for others and putting on a show at my house, when it's my birthday? Do you know how much work baking is? I like doing it, but how is that an enjoyable birthday for me? Catering and serving others? Cleaning up after all the mess? Having to throw a party at my house for myself. Gosh, I thought I was a loser before not getting anyone to meet up. But then throwing myself a party, doing oodles of work, and my friends show up to all the work I did on my birthday? That's kind of sad and depressing. 

As I said, I "threw a party for myself". I didn't feel like a loser. I didn't expect my friends to shell out $$ to pay for my own birthday celebration so I set everything up myself and paid for it. And they showed up and we all had fun. It was epic, actually. 

I mean, isn't asking them to pay $60 to attend an "activity" the same thing as throwing a party for yourself? I don't see the distinction.

You're getting in your own way with your expectations. And then getting disappointed when people don't meet your expectations. It's self defeating.

You said in your other thread two friends are taking you out for your birthday by their own volition. That's super nice of them. I hope you appreciate and enjoy their efforts. 

[mylolita]

2 hours ago, Alex39 said:

I see what you are saying. But I should spend hours upon hours baking for others and putting on a show at my house, when it's my birthday? Do you know how much work baking is? I like doing it, but how is that an enjoyable birthday for me? Catering and serving others? Cleaning up after all the mess? Having to throw a party at my house for myself. Gosh, I thought I was a loser before not getting anyone to meet up. But then throwing myself a party, doing oodles of work, and my friends show up to all the work I did on my birthday? That's kind of sad and depressing. 

Hey Alex!

I don't want to seem like I'm ganging up on you but I have to agree with @boltnrun! 

You are already organising your own party, but then on top of that, asking all your friends for quite a decent amount of money and presuming they should pay that to celebrate your day.

I don't know what the etiquette is because, I'm British, and I forget 98% of this site seems to be American, so there may be cultural differences here, but, if you're arranging any celebration, event, gathering - even if it is to do with you, or in your honour! (Your Birthday!) you need to think of your guests first, not yourself. This is the rule of thumb with a good host. Or, in my opinion, anyway.

The best parties I've had and been too have been basically, house parties. They can be as sophisticated or casual as you like. Doesn't have to be massively pricey or hard work on your behalf, but can you see it takes away that price tag when you do it yourself? People are more likely to be relaxed and have more fun as well (well, I find, anyway!) they can come and go as they please too, it's not a set event or time and it's not the pressure of "forced fun" which, can put people off too, for some personalities. Drop in, bring yourself, let's have a good time attitude. Because, what is a celebration but just getting everyone together and having a good time, right? Those are the best times!

I realise baking is hard work. I love to cook myself, not a baker - but y'know, sometimes the effort going into it is actually the fun part! I don't know! Simply baking or cooking for others brings some people joy! Even if, yes, it is your Birthday! If you want to be surprise pampered, you need different friends by the look of it!

Here in the UK, if it's your Birthday, you bring your own cake into the office! And yes, arrange your own party (unless you're a kid!) People here also stop celebrating their Birthdays after about 25. It's seen as immature here (again, a culture thing probably) so the concept of making an event out of your own Birthday is a bit tasteless where I'm from. But it's all different and each to their own, you do what you like and want, but I'm only suggesting creating a home event that doesn't cost anyone anything but maybe bringing a present for you because the price point seemed to be where your friends were falling short? 

I've had so much drama over money and booking events when it comes to experience with other friends, I think after a decade of weddings and when we were 20- something going through all the WhatsApp chats I think, everyone is tired of it and ready for a chill and a glass of wine somewhere easy!

But again, I'm not ganging up on you or saying you're wrong - just suggesting a different way of doing Birthdays.

x

[Jaunty]

2 hours ago, Alex39 said:

I see what you are saying. But I should spend hours upon hours baking for others and putting on a show at my house, when it's my birthday? Do you know how much work baking is? I like doing it, but how is that an enjoyable birthday for me? Catering and serving others? Cleaning up after all the mess? Having to throw a party at my house for myself. Gosh, I thought I was a loser before not getting anyone to meet up. But then throwing myself a party, doing oodles of work, and my friends show up to all the work I did on my birthday? That's kind of sad and depressing. 

Yesterday was my birthday.   I made it very nice for myself.  Most people on this thread have done similar.  It's normal. What's not normal is putting all of this load on others.

One of my closest friends is going to Spain for their birthday and friends are invited, at their own expense.  That is not in the cards for me.  No question whatsoever.  It never even occurred to me that my friend could possibly be enraged and hurt by my choice.  That would freak me out completely.  They would never, though.   How we choose to spend our time and money is 100% our own business.  I think it's weird to have this type of expectations of friends because it's OUR birthday.  If we have things we "need" to make us feel good on that day, it's up to us to organize them.  We are all grown people here.   

[boltnrun]

Happy birthday @Jaunty!

And a happy birthday to you as well, Alex. I hope you choose to spend it being content and happy instead of disappointed and sad.

Side note, that birthday party I "threw for myself"? My friends and I STILL talk about it and it was nearly 7 years ago. That's how much fun we had. And no one calls me a "loser". 

[Alex39]

4 minutes ago, mylolita said:

Hey Alex!

I don't want to seem like I'm ganging up on you but I have to agree with @boltnrun! 

You are already organising your own party, but then on top of that, asking all your friends for quite a decent amount of money and presuming they should pay that to celebrate your day.

I don't know what the etiquette is because, I'm British, and I forget 98% of this site seems to be American, so there may be cultural differences here, but, if you're arranging any celebration, event, gathering - even if it is to do with you, or in your honour! (Your Birthday!) you need to think of your guests first, not yourself. This is the rule of thumb with a good host. Or, in my opinion, anyway.

The best parties I've had and been too have been basically, house parties. They can be as sophisticated or casual as you like. Doesn't have to be massively pricey or hard work on your behalf, but can you see it takes away that price tag when you do it yourself? People are more likely to be relaxed and have more fun as well (well, I find, anyway!) they can come and go as they please too, it's not a set event or time and it's not the pressure of "forced fun" which, can put people off too, for some personalities. Drop in, bring yourself, let's have a good time attitude. Because, what is a celebration but just getting everyone together and having a good time, right? Those are the best times!

I realise baking is hard work. I love to cook myself, not a baker - but y'know, sometimes the effort going into it is actually the fun part! I don't know! Simply baking or cooking for others brings some people joy! Even if, yes, it is your Birthday! If you want to be surprise pampered, you need different friends by the look of it!

Here in the UK, if it's your Birthday, you bring your own cake into the office! And yes, arrange your own party (unless you're a kid!) People here also stop celebrating their Birthdays after about 25. It's seen as immature here (again, a culture thing probably) so the concept of making an event out of your own Birthday is a bit tasteless where I'm from. But it's all different and each to their own, you do what you like and want, but I'm only suggesting creating a home event that doesn't cost anyone anything but maybe bringing a present for you because the price point seemed to be where your friends were falling short? 

I've had so much drama over money and booking events when it comes to experience with other friends, I think after a decade of weddings and when we were 20- something going through all the WhatsApp chats I think, everyone is tired of it and ready for a chill and a glass of wine somewhere easy!

But again, I'm not ganging up on you or saying you're wrong - just suggesting a different way of doing Birthdays.

x

In the US, others bring the cake into the office. Just different here. We literally just celebrated someone turning 50 the other day in our office. 

I didn't expect them to come. I didn't care if they came. What bothers me is they said yes and were all into it when I extended the invite. Then they bailed after. Thats just rude. And to not say anything just ignore my messages. So immature and hurtful.  I just wanted an answer straight up. I didn't make it out as some birthday extravaganza. I was even flexible when my friend said dinner and activity was too much. I didn't care and said just activity so we can have fun together. 

How would you feel if you arranged the whole thing at your house and people bailed and didn't come? 

I don't think it would matter what kind of thing I planned. I got the vibe 

[Alex39]

5 minutes ago, Jaunty said:

Yesterday was my birthday.   I made it very nice for myself.  Most people on this thread have done similar.  It's normal. What's not normal is putting all of this load on others.

One of my closest friends is going to Spain for their birthday and friends are invited, at their own expense.  That is not in the cards for me.  No question whatsoever.  It never even occurred to me that my friend could possibly be enraged and hurt by my choice.  That would freak me out completely.  They would never, though.   How we choose to spend our time and money is 100% our own business.  I think it's weird to have this type of expectations of friends because it's OUR birthday.  If we have things we "need" to make us feel good on that day, it's up to us to organize them.  We are all grown people here.   

Yeah but I'm guessing you told your friend you cannot go nicely. You didn't say yes, commit to it, then ghost your friend. 

[Jaunty]

3 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

Yeah but I'm guessing you told your friend you cannot go nicely. You didn't say yes, commit to it, then ghost your friend. 

Alex, it's the dynamic of friendships and expectations around birthdays (in this case) that are different.   

I agree that your friends should not have ghosted, and that it was rude, but from my point of view they were probably already feeling a load from your expectations and were lacking enthusiasm.   

If you're actually reading the responses here and taking them in, you will have noticed that nobody else here would  plan an event that required friends to spend their time and money in order to make your birthday special in exactly the way you want it to be.   

Your friends are probably more like me &  others here who are saying "I threw myself a party" or "bring your own cake" etc.  

[Batya33]

I am in the US and -honestly-I got tired of all the bday dinners I went to where we paid our own way and treated the person -as a gift to one such person I would make a donation to a charity in her honor . Apparently I was also supposed to get her a real gift.  But -I was paying for part of her dinner and for mine and often going to a place I didn't care for -like sitting outside in the heat at a fancy place etc.  I just didn't care for the etiquette.

 my 50th was on a Sunday.  I took my son -just the two of us -he was 7 -to the aquarium.  Why? Because it's free on your birthday for the bday girl.  It was a lovely day.  Then we had cake at home -as we typically do.

[mylolita]

49 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

In the US, others bring the cake into the office. Just different here. We literally just celebrated someone turning 50 the other day in our office. 

I didn't expect them to come. I didn't care if they came. What bothers me is they said yes and were all into it when I extended the invite. Then they bailed after. Thats just rude. And to not say anything just ignore my messages. So immature and hurtful.  I just wanted an answer straight up. I didn't make it out as some birthday extravaganza. I was even flexible when my friend said dinner and activity was too much. I didn't care and said just activity so we can have fun together. 

How would you feel if you arranged the whole thing at your house and people bailed and didn't come? 

I don't think it would matter what kind of thing I planned. I got the vibe 

Hey Alex,

I'm definitely not saying your friends were right to say they would come, then bail out last minute - I don't think anyone has supported that! And I have said, maybe time to get new friends and cultivate atmospheres and a life you like. If you want the type of friends who throw surprise bashes for you, for example, these girls obviously ain't it! But! You have said at least two friends are taking you out to dinner? Which is so lovely! I mean, that's very nice! Most people are more than happy with a nice mea out to celebrate! That's a great Birthday!

What I am saying is, you're organising it yourself anyway, then asking anyone who wants to come celebrate with you for $65. And I imagine they'll want to get you a gift on top of that, so that's maybe another $50. Then they might need to pay to get to the event - for transport or petrol or a taxi, not sure. That might be another $20. It just adds up, if you get me. Where as, drinks round yours is relaxed and sweet and well, they only have a gift to think about. People really appreciate that. And it puts them in the mood to kick back and enjoy as well, without worrying about how much it cost them to come (and they will maybe expect an amazing time for the money as well. Round yours in an intimidate setting - no pressure!)

I'm just suggesting a different way.

If you feel like your friends wouldn't even bother coming to your house to kick back, then yes, you're right - maybe not so great. People have good reasons, not everyone can make everything of course, but if you get the feeling these girls just aren't interested then, your gut instinct is probably right, I would trust that and find new friends if you feel you'd like more in your life.

I definitely wouldn't feel bad or like a loser. I create events all the time, and the general rule of thumb is, 50% of who you ask probably won't make it. That's just how it rolls. If you get a 75% turn out, you're doing well. It doesn't mean everyone dislikes you or thinks bad of you or doesn't care.

I get it - you feel alone on your Birthday, it's not nice - but you have your two other great friends there taking you out! I would enjoy and focus on that, as others have said! That's a really nice thing!

x

[mylolita]

I actually lost my old best friend to this insanity Alex and is maybe why I'm just done with the "book and pre-pay for my event" vibe!

She was getting married and had organised a 3 day weekend of activities and a stay over in a fancy hotel. It was going to cost a fortune, I was heavily pregnant, and I was also paying for my dress and the hotel and drinks to stay on her actual wedding day as well. It felt too much. I could afford it but the principle was all wrong for me. I was 8 months gone and just couldn't drag myself around a spa day, a night out at a male strip bar, and then a restaurant and blues bar for the third day with make-up getting booked and done before going out again. I said I love you, I support you, I'll see you on the day - and it was WW3. 

It causes rifts and splits when money is involved, and rubs people up the wrong way, generally. Even if you can afford it. I'm generous with gifts, I handed her a cheque for $350 with a heart felt message inside the envelope and said congratulations, but I never saw her again after that. What happened to drinks at the bar the night before the day? I will never know!

It just gets too complicated for people as well. I'm just trying to see it potentially from your guests and friends points of view. Again Alex, I'm no way saying they were right to just bail - that was very wrong of them.

x