Dealing with being excluded... am I being too sensative?

[Cynder]

Ok, this has to do with a work situation, but I'm putting it in personal growth because it hit on some deeper nerves.  And this is an ongoing problem I have at a lot of my jobs.  So clearly I am part of the problem on some level and I want to work on fixing it. 

I work the graveyard shift at a health club.  We are open and staffed 24/7.  The night crew's main job is to clean.  But we also do all the customer service stuff that day shift does.  There are just fewer customers.  I have regulars that come in at night that I've gotten to know well.  Two of them I've even befriended and hung out with outside of the club.   I get along great with all my coworkers, too.  I am definitely the black sheep at work, though.  And this has never seemed like an issue until now. 

One of my coworkers, Dena, just had a baby.  She's only been back from maternity leave a few weeks.  Her and I usually work together on Saturdays.  We have an inspection coming up, so the night crew has been told we have to have the place looking top notch.  So tonight Dena and I busted ass deep cleaning everything.  And then she had to leave early when we got done.  But we were talking and she was like, "Did you get your gift card?" 

I had no clue what she was talking about.  I guess for Christmas, the owner gave everyone that works there a $100 Amazon gift card.  As soon as Dena came back from leave, a manager messaged her and told her about it, and said hers was in the desk drawer.  Well, no one ever told me about a gift card.  Dena told me there was one for me there too, and then she opened the drawer to grab it, but it was gone. 

That drawer is for management.  So I never look in it.  I have no reason to.  She told me a few weeks ago when she looked there was a card for her and one for me. 

Ok, the thing that upsets me about this, is the fact that Christmas was 3 months ago.  And this whole time no one ever even bothered to tell me there was a gift card for me.  She came back from maternity leave, and the first thing the manager does is tell her about her gift card.  Meanwhile I am there 5 nights a week, and no one told me.  I know a lot of people are going to say it's because I work overnight.  But there are two other night time people who got there's.  Someone must have told them.

Idk if it's a dumb thing to be hurt about.  I'm more upset about the fact that no one told me than I am about the card itself.  I mean yea, a hundred dollar gift card would have been nice to get for Christmas.  But it just comes off like I'm not even important enough for any of the three managers to bother telling me.  And the fact that now someone else just helped themself to it just adds insult to injury.  It was in an envelope with my name on it, according to Dena.  This was kind of a punch to the gut after I just busted my ass cleaning the place from top to bottom so we pass inspection. 

I sent a group text to all three managers telling them what happened.  I was polite about it.  I just told them Dena told me there was a gift card for me that was for Christmas, and no one ever told me about it, and now it's gone.  My female boss answered about an hour later and she was like, "I'm sure it just got moved."  I guess that's possible.  But why would someone take it out of the desk drawer? It's not in the drawer, Dena and I both looked.  It's not like it's a big drawer. 

This kind of thing happens to me a lot.  I worked somewhere for two years where the owners were all about celebrating everyone's birthday. They had everyone's birthday on file.  Two times, my birthday came and went, and nothing.  At that same place, the owners threw a big party for everyone at their house.  I mean, bonfire, live band, etc.  I wasn't invited.  All week long everyone at work is talking about what a blast this party is going to be.  And I'm not saying anything because I don't want to be the brat who is like, "Why can't I come to the party?" Seriously, what adult does that?  And then on Monday morning everyone is talking about how much fun they had, and pics are all over social media, etc.  And one of the owners comes up to me and says, "And why didn't you come to the party?  What you think you're too good for all of us?"  And I just said, "I didn't get an invitation."  He said it was an oversight.  There were fancy paper invitations on everyone's desk but mine.  How did no one notice I was the only one without an invitation.  I doubt it was malicious, but it just didn't make sense. 

I worked somewhere else where the CEO gave all the office workers tickers to an event that I would have loved to go to.  But I didn't get my tickets.  I found out later it was because he asked one of his assistants to give me my tickets because I was on the phone when he walked by.  Well she just decided to keep them for herself and take some friends with her instead of giving them to me. 

No one likes being excluded.  But this kind of stuff happens to me a lot, and it doesn't get any easier.  I understand that I am different, and some of the things that make me different are my choice.  (I have purple and green hair and I am heavily tattooed.)  But some of the things that make me different are things I can't control.  I am legally blind and my eyes are really odd and intense looking.  They are also amber, so I have these intense Demon eyes.  I know that puts a lot of people off when they look at me.  I am also quiet and introverted.  Quiet people are mistaken for stuck up people a lot.  I got close with a coworker at a job I was at for years.  And she was telling me once that a lot of people there were afraid to approach me.  I asked her if anyone ever said why and she said "Because you don't talk." 

I sealed my fate at another job I worked at once by talking on the phone to my brother in the breakroom about concert tickets.  Someone asked who I was going to see and I said Rush.  And then I'm the office weirdo for listening to Rush all of a sudden.  I overheard a conversation where the guy who asked me about the tickets was basically making fun of me to other people saying how weird I am for listening to Rush.  I have wondered if maybe some of the people there thought he meant Rush Limbaugh and not the band.    This was a very liberal work environment so I could see how someone being a fan of Limbaugh would make them an outcast there. 

I feel like the only place I fit in is in the festival scene (I'm a vendor aside from my job at the health club.)  So at least I have a place like that where I do fit in.  And aside from that, I have an amazing group of friends, some of them I've been friends with since high school.  And I have an amazing SO.  I know I'm not just a terrible person.  Clearly I need to work on some things, though. 

Does anyone have any thoughts on the gift card situation or anything else?  Thanks in advance. 

[Batya33]

This is meant to be funny - but when I read about Rush -ok I LOVE Rush and my sister and I have an inside joke because we had one of their albums maybe late 70s early 80s and each of us believed it belonged to them - so when she married she wanted to take it with her LOL and it was a fun spat.  However - again please JMHO! -I saw them in concert in the 80s.  And TBH it was the most boring rock concert I'd ever been to.  I still loved their music, still do, will always.  But--- at least back then they were not known for being good performers!! Maybe they changed. Again I'm not at all surprised you love Rush or wanted to go to the concert just sharing my memories. Spirt of the Radio live on.

On the other note -is it possible this is a combo of you coming up with a pattern that really isn't one PLUS the constant is you -and yes I can see -in certain work places -that quiet/introverted can increase the risk of being ignored and/or that you're told once or one person thinks the other person told you but because you're not approachable there's only that one attempt made.

Last Sunday my son had a small bday gathering -5 kids.  It was a chaotic afternoon plus the very next morning he left for his first overnight trip, returned Friday, immediately went to another bdday party. 

Husband and I decided to do his family cake yesterday for timing and our tradition is all cards/gifts get opened at cake time.  But after the big trip/unpacking, etc I forgot whether all got him a gift (since I'd been very clear in my texts please no presents), and if so I was confused as I thought I cleaned out my tote bag where I'd stored the bday cards certain kids handed him -and found only one card that I'd already removed the cash from.

Luckily my son remembered who handed him cards. My husband recalled handing them off to me.  Luckily I found them -in one of the many zippered compartments of my tote I obviously did not clean out.  So today I will text additional parents to thank them for their gifts that I didn't realize he received a week ago.  I know they won't be bothered by it (and I know my son thanked his friends in person and likely will follow up with TY cards/emails), but I feel weird like wow a whole week goes by I wonder if they  are concerned/or why I said nothing. 

Stuff happens especially with office drawers, big events where cards are handed out etc.  My office is extremely streamlined with it.  We contribute X amount every year to a pool so each staff member (I am not staff) can receive the same amount of gift card. 

On the day of the distrbution it is also streamlined where the staff -although "surprised" are notified by email that they've received it and I guess where to come get it or where it will be.  Also typically on that same day there is a staff dessert party we help arrange so they all know of both.

I am not a fan at all of fooling around with cash or gift cards placed randomly in a drawer.  But as you see I wasn't quite careful enough with keeping track of my son's cards based on the distractions/chaos of party/upcoming trip and typically I am excellent at this which is why I am always the Holder of the Gift Cards.  

I believe your employer should give you another one and learn from this not to be so careless.  I'm so sorry you feel excluded -I worked somewhere where I was but from outside social stuff not work related stuff.  $100 is a lot of $ you deserve!!!

[Kwothe28]

I have a high school classmate. Anyway, he was weird, efeminite and we always suspected that he has a mental health issues. He didnt hang around nobody(we had 2 distinctive mens groups that hanged out and a lot of women ones since my classroom was mostly women as it was a medical field school), he was just weird and nobody did like him very much. So he never gets invited to reunions. After 5 year reunion I ran into him in town I have studied(he studied in same town) and he asked why he wasnt invited. Told him that I trully didnt know that(as I didnt) and that it was on organizers to invite people(one of our classmates was organizer of event) and that I dont even have his celular number(back then before social media  and groups, we usully were SMSing each other). 

I am not saying you are like my friend, you clearly arent as you have things going on. I am not even condoning him not getting invited as he was one of our classmates no matter that he didnt hang out with anyone. Just saying its easy to get overlooked if you are not popular or dont put in an efffort. Popular people would always get invited to stuff just by existing. Others would at least need to put some kind of effort if they want to get invited. I wasnt that popular in high school. But wasnt exactly an outcast and put in an effort to hang out with people. On breaks we did go for lunch break or just to hang out, played basketball after school, hang out outside of classroom etc. So, for example, on said reunion, I got 4 or 5 people message me to notify me about the date and organization. And send some SMS to other people I had numbers. I got overlooked sometimes too. But they had me in mind when we organized some things. Was invited to pretty much every 18th birthday of classmates(big thing here, when you are 18 you are legally adult). And organized my own where they were invited. 

So, maybe unlike other people, you would need to invest some effort. For example how much do you socialize with coworkers? You said that at your previous job you expected a birthday party. But have you bought a cake to share with coworkers instead? Maybe just invite some of them to drinks after work? That kind of small stuff does wonders with people. Even management. As you take a time to get to know them and they will maybe do the same for you. So next time you maybe dont get overlooked that much. You said you hang out with your coworkers now so maybe it wont be that much of an issue. But again, you would maybe need a bigger effort. As managers clearly either forgot about gift card or just took it to themselves.

Also, sorry about gift card. Hoping they will reinburst you for that.

[catfeeder]

Ahh, I hate this stuff, and I hate that it's happened to you, Cynder. 

I think most of us here have come to recognize what you offer to the forum as expressive and creative and sensitive, yet we can only go by what you describe as your real-life presence. It sounds like a combo plate of possibilities.

While quiet people are often mistaken as stuck up or judgmental, if you add a look that some might view as scary, then your presence might also be viewed as tough and unapproachable.

So maybe that's less about a general dislike, and more about an avoidance to even get to know you well enough to 'dislike' you. And it only takes one mean person to sabotage efforts that a manager may have made to include you, such as with the tickets and the party invitation. 

In this case it sounds like your Christmas card was grouped with your shift, and those who got theirs were dealt with by managers who interacted with them enough to look out for them. It doesn't sound like such efforts were made on your behalf, and there are no valid excuses for that.

I'm so sorry this happened to you, and if they don't step up with your card, you don't exactly have anything to lose by pursuing it further. Bes-turds.

[Cynder]

8 hours ago, Batya33 said:

This is meant to be funny - but when I read about Rush -ok I LOVE Rush and my sister and I have an inside joke because we had one of their albums maybe late 70s early 80s and each of us believed it belonged to them - so when she married she wanted to take it with her LOL and it was a fun spat.  However - again please JMHO! -I saw them in concert in the 80s.  And TBH it was the most boring rock concert I'd ever been to.  I still loved their music, still do, will always.  But--- at least back then they were not known for being good performers!! Maybe they changed. Again I'm not at all surprised you love Rush or wanted to go to the concert just sharing my memories. Spirt of the Radio live on.

On the other note -is it possible this is a combo of you coming up with a pattern that really isn't one PLUS the constant is you -and yes I can see -in certain work places -that quiet/introverted can increase the risk of being ignored and/or that you're told once or one person thinks the other person told you but because you're not approachable there's only that one attempt made.

Last Sunday my son had a small bday gathering -5 kids.  It was a chaotic afternoon plus the very next morning he left for his first overnight trip, returned Friday, immediately went to another bdday party. 

Husband and I decided to do his family cake yesterday for timing and our tradition is all cards/gifts get opened at cake time.  But after the big trip/unpacking, etc I forgot whether all got him a gift (since I'd been very clear in my texts please no presents), and if so I was confused as I thought I cleaned out my tote bag where I'd stored the bday cards certain kids handed him -and found only one card that I'd already removed the cash from.

Luckily my son remembered who handed him cards. My husband recalled handing them off to me.  Luckily I found them -in one of the many zippered compartments of my tote I obviously did not clean out.  So today I will text additional parents to thank them for their gifts that I didn't realize he received a week ago.  I know they won't be bothered by it (and I know my son thanked his friends in person and likely will follow up with TY cards/emails), but I feel weird like wow a whole week goes by I wonder if they  are concerned/or why I said nothing. 

Stuff happens especially with office drawers, big events where cards are handed out etc.  My office is extremely streamlined with it.  We contribute X amount every year to a pool so each staff member (I am not staff) can receive the same amount of gift card. 

On the day of the distrbution it is also streamlined where the staff -although "surprised" are notified by email that they've received it and I guess where to come get it or where it will be.  Also typically on that same day there is a staff dessert party we help arrange so they all know of both.

I am not a fan at all of fooling around with cash or gift cards placed randomly in a drawer.  But as you see I wasn't quite careful enough with keeping track of my son's cards based on the distractions/chaos of party/upcoming trip and typically I am excellent at this which is why I am always the Holder of the Gift Cards.  

I believe your employer should give you another one and learn from this not to be so careless.  I'm so sorry you feel excluded -I worked somewhere where I was but from outside social stuff not work related stuff.  $100 is a lot of $ you deserve!!!

Rush shows aren't everyone's cup of tea.  I've seen them 4 times and every time was in the 2000s or 2010s.  I've been told their earlier live shows weren't that great. 

I had an academic advisor in college who a lot of people described as unapproachable.  I met with her once to schedule classes and she made me so uncomfortable that I switched advisors.  And for a long time I thought it was just me, like obviously she just didn't like me and that's why she acted that way when I was in her office.  But then I found out she made a lot of people uncomfortable and she wasn't well liked by students at all.  I hope that's not the impression I'm giving to people.  But it might be.  It's not on purpose if it is. 

I have three managers at work.  I'm sure this is a situation where they all assumed one of the others told me about it.  I don't think this was malicious on anyone's part.  But I do wonder why none of them questioned why my gift card was just sitting in their drawer for almost 3 months. 

I have tried to see this from their perspective.  I am a business owner with employees.  But during the holidays I am at my most broke and can't afford to buy gifts for my whole team.  I buy them stuff at festivals on the regular though and I usually buy them dinner after the show.  I hope that I've never made any of my employees feel excluded, etc. 

[Cynder]

7 hours ago, Kwothe28 said:

I have a high school classmate. Anyway, he was weird, efeminite and we always suspected that he has a mental health issues. He didnt hang around nobody(we had 2 distinctive mens groups that hanged out and a lot of women ones since my classroom was mostly women as it was a medical field school), he was just weird and nobody did like him very much. So he never gets invited to reunions. After 5 year reunion I ran into him in town I have studied(he studied in same town) and he asked why he wasnt invited. Told him that I trully didnt know that(as I didnt) and that it was on organizers to invite people(one of our classmates was organizer of event) and that I dont even have his celular number(back then before social media  and groups, we usully were SMSing each other). 

I am not saying you are like my friend, you clearly arent as you have things going on. I am not even condoning him not getting invited as he was one of our classmates no matter that he didnt hang out with anyone. Just saying its easy to get overlooked if you are not popular or dont put in an efffort. Popular people would always get invited to stuff just by existing. Others would at least need to put some kind of effort if they want to get invited. I wasnt that popular in high school. But wasnt exactly an outcast and put in an effort to hang out with people. On breaks we did go for lunch break or just to hang out, played basketball after school, hang out outside of classroom etc. So, for example, on said reunion, I got 4 or 5 people message me to notify me about the date and organization. And send some SMS to other people I had numbers. I got overlooked sometimes too. But they had me in mind when we organized some things. Was invited to pretty much every 18th birthday of classmates(big thing here, when you are 18 you are legally adult). And organized my own where they were invited. 

So, maybe unlike other people, you would need to invest some effort. For example how much do you socialize with coworkers? You said that at your previous job you expected a birthday party. But have you bought a cake to share with coworkers instead? Maybe just invite some of them to drinks after work? That kind of small stuff does wonders with people. Even management. As you take a time to get to know them and they will maybe do the same for you. So next time you maybe dont get overlooked that much. You said you hang out with your coworkers now so maybe it wont be that much of an issue. But again, you would maybe need a bigger effort. As managers clearly either forgot about gift card or just took it to themselves.

Also, sorry about gift card. Hoping they will reinburst you for that.

Well as far as the whole birthday thing, the owners kept a list of everyone's birthdays and were really adamant about celebrating them all at work.  Even if someone's birthday was on the weekend, it got celebrated on Friday.  So, it was only reasonable to think I would be on their list and my birthday would get celebrated.  I wasn't going to bring a cake to work to celebrate my own birthday because in our culture that kind of thing is frowned on.  No one brings themself a cake and celebrates their own birthday at work. 

I know some of this is on me at previous jobs.  I am an introvert, so inviting coworkers out for drinks, etc just doesn't come easy for me.  I'm not making excuses, it's just who I am.  At my current job I am usually working overnight by myself.  One person comes in to relieve me at 6AM.  So it's not really practical to invite people out after work. 

When my coworker at my old job told me people there had an issue with me because I don't talk, I really tried to make more of an effort and talk to people more.  And it worked with some people.  I ended up coming out of my shell a little bit there. 

 

[Cynder]

42 minutes ago, catfeeder said:

Ahh, I hate this stuff, and I hate that it's happened to you, Cynder. 

I think most of us here have come to recognize what you offer to the forum as expressive and creative and sensitive, yet we can only go by what you describe as your real-life presence. It sounds like a combo plate of possibilities.

While quiet people are often mistaken as stuck up or judgmental, if you add a look that some might view as scary, then your presence might also be viewed as tough and unapproachable.

So maybe that's less about a general dislike, and more about an avoidance to even get to know you well enough to 'dislike' you. And it only takes one mean person to sabotage efforts that a manager may have made to include you, such as with the tickets and the party invitation. 

In this case it sounds like your Christmas card was grouped with your shift, and those who got theirs were dealt with by managers who interacted with them enough to look out for them. It doesn't sound like such efforts were made on your behalf, and there are no valid excuses for that.

I'm so sorry this happened to you, and if they don't step up with your card, you don't exactly have anything to lose by pursuing it further. Bes-turds.

I know the way I look is an issue for a lot of people.  I live in the midwest where a lot of people are still pretty conservative.  And being a quiet person on top of that, I see what you mean.  I have noticed that when my tattoos are covered up people treat me differently.  I don't regret getting them done and I love my body art. 

Two of my three managers have a drug problem.  Which really sucks for them but I also can see why they wouldn't have told me.  When someone has a drug problem, drugs consume their entire life and become the first priority.  So to them, when they can go in the back room and pop more pills is more on their mind than, "We need to tell our overnight girl there's a gift card for her."  And my other manager, the woman I mentioned, she ends up picking up a lot of the slack for the two who are on drugs.  So she has a lot on her plate, and I can see how it slipped her mind. 

Anyway, I'm sure they will replace it.  

[catfeeder]

1 hour ago, Cynder said:

When my coworker at my old job told me people there had an issue with me because I don't talk, I really tried to make more of an effort and talk to people more.  And it worked with some people.  I ended up coming out of my shell a little bit there. 

Glad to hear this. If you think about it, it's actually a really good time in your life to try out a bit more of this ^^^ in general. I recall from your journal that you used to enjoy pulling random acts of kindness, and it made you feel good. Maybe you can stretch this aspect of yourself to gently greet people you may otherwise overlook or inquire a bit about them or offer thank you's to those who you might otherwise take for granted.

Sure, there are people who won't respond due to earbuds or being lost in their own thoughts, and there are ornery folks who might bite back with some bitterness--but if some stranger on an Internet forum knows these risks, then you can chalk them off as a-sometimes universal experience that is not personal to you.

Anyway, this isn't to say that there's anything you necessarily need to change. It's just that this experience and reflection are catching you at a time in your life when you could regard it as a whisper of encouragement to try out a more open focus and learn whether the rewards outweigh the risks. And if the risks suck too much, then you'll be able to roll with that information a lot better than you could have during more vulnerable times in your life.

[Cynder]

23 minutes ago, catfeeder said:

Glad to hear this. If you think about it, it's actually a really good time in your life to try out a bit more of this ^^^ in general. I recall from your journal that you used to enjoy pulling random acts of kindness, and it made you feel good. Maybe you can stretch this aspect of yourself to gently greet people you may otherwise overlook or inquire a bit about them or offer thank you's to those who you might otherwise take for granted.

Sure, there are people who won't respond due to earbuds or being lost in their own thoughts, and there are ornery folks who might bite back with some bitterness--but if some stranger on an Internet forum knows these risks, then you can chalk them off as a-sometimes universal experience that is not personal to you.

Anyway, this isn't to say that there's anything you necessarily need to change. It's just that this experience and reflection are catching you at a time in your life when you could regard it as a whisper of encouragement to try out a more open focus and learn whether the rewards outweigh the risks. And if the risks suck too much, then you'll be able to roll with that information a lot better than you could have during more vulnerable times in your life.

I still do random acts of kindness whenever I get the opportunity.  I carry post its with me everywhere with nice things written on them and put them in places where people will see them.  When I went to the library a lot more I used to also do this with index cards left in books.  I always try to be as anonymous as possible when I do this stuff. 

The other night this young kid was in the club.  I mean, he was probably 16 or 17, and he spilled his bottle of Muscle Milk all over the floor.  He immediately got a bunch of paper towels and was cleaning it up.  I walked by and made it a point to thank him.  I told him I really appreciate him cleaning that up because most people don't clean up after themselves.  He gave me a big smile and now whenever he comes in he smiles and says hi.  I had never heard a peep out of him before that and he comes in there all the time. 

My current relationship has also helped me be more social with people.  It's like when I'm at a festival I have no issue pretending to be an extrovert when I'm there.  This is something a lot of vendors experience.  People call it being in "festival mode" or "show mode."  It's so easy to chat up everyone that comes into my booth, etc.  But usually after a day of doing that I am exhausted and I need quiet time on the way home.  This usually involves just putting my headphones on and listening to something and just taking some time to decompress. 

But when D and I go places together, it's almost like being in festival mode all the time.  He brings that out in me somehow.  And when we take the skunk places, it's like everyone comes up and wants to talk, take pics, ask questions, etc.  This is something that would have been so overwhelming for me a year ago. 

I know that my shyness is learned.  I don't think introversion can be learned, I think that's something we are born with.  But as a kid I got in trouble so much for everything, so I just learned to be seen and heard as little as possible as a survival mechanism.  But recently I realized a lot of my issues come from feeling invisible.  So it's like what used to be a survival tool ended up causing a lot of problems later on down the line.  Like yea, of course I feel invisible because I learned to try to be invisible as a kid to keep the peace. 

[Batya33]

I like your small acts of kindness! I'd do less anonymous stuff and look for opportunities like that where it's small but means a lot to the person - like a charity donation if the person speaks of a cause they're trying to raise $ for or sponsor someone's 5k etc..  Anonymous is good too! It brightens people's day I bet! And nice of you to help the teenager.