Doormat Syndrome

[Vordsophia]

Hello again everyone.

After my last post with me trying to understand what went on in my ex's mind, I ended up realizing that I had no idea what went on in MY mind. So, I meditated on it, talked to people I love and, after a lot of tearful, heart breaking "sessions" here's what I found out about me:

I'm a complete doormat.

Now, this is something I impose on myself in order to keep someone by my side. As per my last topic, I willingly blind my own self, my own judgement and come up with the most outrageous justifications to cover up abuse and bad behaviors. Just because I fear that I'm unlovable and that I will remain single. That simply can't go on. The desperation. It hurts to understand how desperate one is. It hurt like hell when I did some days ago. It still hurts so bad.

I used to be fearless, unstoppable, outspoken, bossy and sassy if you will. I didn't like the idea of marriage or kids at this point. No one had their way with me. Then at 15, I changed schools and was relentlessly and severely bullied. I had suicidal thoughts and after that year was no longer the same. Suddenly the idea of marriage and creating a family was stuck with me. I don't know how, or why.

Come to today, I don't wanna be like that anymore. I'm only but 28 years old and I never had a normal relationship. All of my exes were abusing me emotionally and verbally. I can't take it anymore. 

Most importantly I wanna get a tougher skin. I want to let go of this fear and focus on me. I don't wanna be a "good", obedient doormat. I'm disappointed on me. It really hurts. I will start with Krav Maga lessons, maybe add kick boxing and I have already booked a therapy session (it's tomorrow finally). I know martial arts don't actually change one's psychology but I reckon they can make me a bit tougher.

My loved ones feel like I am like dough, as they said. I'm very soft and thus, easily manipulated and abused. They are scared and worried about my emotional health. 

Any tips or help will me HIGHLY appreciated. 

[boltnrun]

You seem to have a great game plan. I like all of the things you have chosen to do.

Is there anyone you admire? A public figure, a relative or a friend? Read books or talk to them about how they go about dealing with people who try to bring them down. 

I'm definitely no beauty queen, I'm middle aged and I don't have a college degree. But I happen to think I'm a decent person. Anyone who chooses not to treat me with respect can take a hike. If it means I "lose" someone, so be it. What have I really lost anyway?

Remember, every minute you spend with someone who treats you poorly has an impact on you. Don't waste precious minutes of your life allowing someone to ruin a part of it. 

[Kwothe28]

Its not about "tougher skin". People can be "thick skinned" and still be doormats as even insults wont get through them. Its about being assertive. You need to practice to do just that. For example, returning the dish you dont like at the restaurant instead of just eating it. Or even more simpler stuff like learning to say "No". Saying "No" to your friends that want to maybe take advantage of you for something or just because you proritize yourself. But you would need to be more assertive. Hoping therapy would help you with that. Good luck.

[Jibralta]

1 hour ago, Kwothe28 said:

Its not about "tougher skin". People can be "thick skinned" and still be doormats as even insults wont get through them.

I agree! I've noticed that there is a misconception that the more crap you can take, the tougher you are. But really the opposite is true: tough people take no crap. It's not an endurance exercise. It's a firm boundary.

[Batya33]

Practice saying no in polite, firm ways without huge back stories or apologies.  Practice your body language if in person -stand tall, make good eye contact.  Promise yourself to have better boundaries and implement.  For example, I realized that a number of people in my FB mom groups were taking advantage of/not appreciative of my offers to help by connecting them with people/resources and that it was  time consuming for me. 

So I told myself that going forward my boundaries would be: I will do so for a stranger only if the person I plan to connect them with would benefit too from the connection and I only help if the person is willing to direct message me -meaning take the time to contact me privately -so I can make sure the person actually needs the help.  

If my offer was to give personal advice I only do so in direct message. It's not intuitive for me to have these boundaries but thinking them through and practicing them has helped (and no I am not a doormat but we all can benefit from better boundaries).

I posted a few months ago about friends -one in particular - who routinely would call/text when I told her those times don't work.  Now texting -I can ignore if not urgent - but I wasn't a fan of calls -especially multple or followed up by texting -when she knew I was preparing meals for my family or eating (preparing -too noisy/cumbersome to talk then while preparing meals). 

So what I decided to do was turn my phone off around those times if at all possible - and I never responded until later -I taught her how to treat me -and, yes took the risk she might not like it/like me.   I find that typically if you have these boundaries people respect you more.

Good luck!!

[JoyfulCompany]

On 2/16/2023 at 4:54 PM, Vordsophia said:

I ended up realizing that I had no idea what went on in MY mind

I wish you fulfilling time exploring that. : )

Therapy is what helped me overcome my doormat tendencies (I was actually codependent at the time I sought help). Indirectly - by making it important how I feel and what I want and showing me that I matter (by someone showing up for me every time and really caring what's going on in all the corners of my soul, not scared if my darkness, ugly cries, insecurity, self-pity, etc. - unlike the person I was in a relationship with and living with).

You mention your family a lot - what they think about this and that and you. Maybe a little bit independence there will also help. Otherwise, you may engage too much with their stories and worries about you. Good luck, rooting for you.

[catfeeder]

Great advice so far. My heart goes out to you for being bullied. I'm glad that you are getting help. You deserve to be heard by someone who won't pile on to what you've already suffered.

One helpful thing I heard from a psychologist is that she can always tell when someone is trying out new boundaries because people tend to believe that they need to be much harsher than they actually need to be.

So there's an adjustment time to figure out the difference between assertiveness and aggression.

You'll likely be pleased to learn that mild, even gentle assertiveness can usually go a long way with most people. A simple, "No, that won't work for me.," might at first feel uncomfortable to practice as a complete sentence with no further explanation. But it's really all you'll need in most instances.

Should anyone ever be rude enough to question why, that will tell you that they aren't worthy of a response beyond repeating the same answer, just with a stress on a different word, "As I said, that won't work for ME."

Head high.