Do I allow contact here?

[DED19]

My gf broke up with me again yesterday and I am absolutely devestated once again. She has done this a few times in the past and each time I have applied no contact, and each time she would start initiating contact with me and then come back. It feels like this time it may be for good as we are away from each other during the summer and she doesn't have me so close to her (we lived in the same dorm during the scool year which made breaking up a lot harder). She said she wants to be single and eventually see other people. She isn't seeking anyone out, but she wants her options open if she happens to meet someone. She said she wants to keep minimal contact with me for now. I know I won't be contacting her at all as I feel this is the best thing for me to do, but should I respond when she tries to contact me as I'm sure she will do? It seems like ignoring her messages or even possibly a phone call may close the door further. I'm thinking I should respond positively when she contacts me, but make no extra effort to contact her. I may also be moving to an apartment 30 min for her in July which I know will temt her to come back to me, but I only want her to if it's genuine. Any thoughts?

[RayKay]

I think you SHOULD close the door. Even her "genuine" approach will likely end the same. And she likely WILL come around again by her history.

 

Relationships that are on/off again are not healthy, and she sounds like she is simply not ready, and not very committed to you or what a relationship is about.

 

Take a stand for yourself, don't get yourself into an "On" again with her - let yourself be open to a woman who will respect you and your relationship more and not be so flightly and selfish. There ARE more women in the world, and some are bound to be some great matches for you too...without this ridiculous trait of treating you like a doormat (which you allowed...).

[chai714]

I know I won't be contacting her at all as I feel this is the best thing for me to do, but should I respond when she tries to contact me as I'm sure she will do? It seems like ignoring her messages or even possibly a phone call may close the door further.

 

Ded,

Don't respond to her contacting you. I know you're in some pain, but you did see signs coming such as her saying "I don't want to lose you."

 

Right now is where the struggle for power begins. You need to cut contact, and not respond to her contacts for right now. Heal up, so that you will be able to make a responsible decision regarding her. Personally, she's had her chances and has proven that her doubts overcome her level of committment.

 

Don't even begin to think about future contact right now. Now is the time when you need to be selfish and focus on yourself. It will pay off ten fold in the big picture. I guarantee it.

[DED19]

Thanks for the wise advice. I believe I did agree to her wanting minimal contact which I shouldn't have. Should I still ignore her anyway or state that I won't be talking until you have sorted through your own problems and are seriously ready to reconsider anything with me.

 

I feel like I may come off cruel by not responding to her instant messages at all, especially day after day. I would like to be with her again but only if she could be stable with me. I do love her but I am sick of acting like a doormat and won't put up with it anymore.

[DN]

Thanks for the wise advice. I believe I did agree to her wanting minimal contact which I shouldn't have. Should I still ignore her anyway or

I feel like I may come off cruel by not responding to her instant messages at all, especially day after day. I would like to be with her again but only if she could be stable with me. I do love her but I am sick of acting like a doormat and won't put up with it anymore.

 

Not cruel at all - she is the one who is cruel for putting you through this stuff over and over. I think you should follow your own suggestion:

"state that I won't be talking until you have sorted through your own problems and are seriously ready to reconsider anything with me."

[DED19]

I guess another question I have is why in the past has she kept coming back. She would break up with me, clearly state her reasons, and it was always a serious, emotional thing when it happened. Then before I know it she's the one trying to get me back. Of course I am still so in love so I allow it, then a couple monthe down the road it happens again. What is going through her head during this time? It seems like this time may be for good, but if she tries contacting me again I will only do it if she's truly serious about considering our relationship again as insanely difficult it is for me to do. It feels like part of me is just dying.

[DED19]

One more comment. She says her reason for the breakup is because she is young and wants to experience other people. I don't like this reason one bit, especially since we had a very loving and caring relationship. Now if there was something wrong with the relationship I could understand it better. It is like she is saying some new random guy she's going to meet is going to make her happier than what we have. How can that be so. And also if things in the relationship got rocky down the road, she would still be quite young enough to experience many different people. So I guess it is possible to say she is lying to me and the relationship isn't as good for her as she says, but when she looks me in the eyes and genuinely says she loves me which was the case a week ago, I don't see how this is so.

 

Im sorry for all the rambling I must sound kinda nutty, but I am a complete wreck right now.

[loveseeker]

I can relate to those questions so well. I feel the same way about my ex, who was similar to yours, from the sound of it--horribly confused and/or cruel.

 

Since the break-up, I've wondered whether I was too harsh (no); whether he really loved me (no); how he can expect me to stick around when he doesn't know what he wants (I don't know).

 

These questions, along with many others, play through my mind in an endless loop. That's what happens when you give yourself to someone who is confused--you GET confused. There's only one way to move beyond these questions, and that is to focus on what you want.

 

Ok, so you want her to love you the way that you deserve to be loved (she doesn't). So you can't have what you want with her. Maybe she'll be able to love you that way in a few years. Maybe she won't. You can't wait on the off-chance. The only thing you can do is go for what you want (to love and be loved--properly) with someone else.

 

You're lucky. You're young. You have it all ahead of you. Please don't allow yourself to suffer because of someone else's confusion. It's her problem now, and don't believe for a moment that she won't feel it with someone else (the confusion, that is). She will. Over and over: I love him but... until she's ready. This isn't about you, honestly! She can't fault you or the relationship (my ex says the same thing), but she still has doubts. How stupid of her to feel that everything is amazing and yet throw it all away. She'll regret it. You do now, but in time you won't!

[DED19]

Thanks for the insight loveseeker. She called me last night very late at about 6 in the morning my time (4 AM her time), but I was asleep and didn't wake up to it. I saw the missed call today and haven't called back, and I don't plan to. I didn't expect her to call so soon and at such an awkward time. I'm not sure what it was about. We are both on AIM a lot so I have a feeling she will start IMing me, after all, she did say she wanted minimal contact. I Guess I will have to prepare to ignore those too, although my ignoring her will be blatently obvious. I guess this is the only way to make her realize the seriousness of her decision, and that she may have lost me for good.

[DN]

Although I can understand you wanting to know why she keeps coming back and breaking up - it won't really help you if she keeps doing it.

 

If she does want to come back and you feel like giving her another chance (which I actually don't think you should) then I think you should tell her that this is the absolute last chance - if she does it again she's gone for good.

[loveseeker]

Yeah... I'd definitely advise you to ignore her attempts to contact you. If she has something to say, she should just come out and SAY it without making meaningless contact just to keep you hooked.

 

You're locked in a cycle with this woman: there's only one person who can break it and that's you. So here's what you need to think about... do you want to look back on your time feeling resentful that you gave it all to someone who didn't really know if they loved you? The answer's 'no,' right? You want to feel proud that you walked away from someone who didn't know how to love you. It hurt, but you did it because you know that you deserve to be happy.

 

You're probably scared of being on your own. It's not that bad, though. Once you get over all the horrid feelings from a break-up, you start to realise the benefits of life without the person who doesn't quite love you. Then you start to appreciate your life a bit more... It's time to start making friends with the person you should really care about; you!

[DED19]

Now just a min ago she imed me and said hi. She knows I'm there purposely ignoring her. I feel kinda immature and childish by not at least responding. I want to be the mature one here.

[DN]

But that is what she knows and is relying on. It's not at all immature to protect your own best interests.

[DED19]

Huge night, tonight was. Maybe I made a big mistake in breaking the no contact vow, but I think there were still a lot more things both of us needed to say about the breakup. She called me last night and I didn't return the call today. She Imed me twice this afternoon and I didn't respond, but I broke and responded to her IM tonight. She was trying to make small talk and I wasn't having any of it. What then ensued was a conversation I am going to paste and pray that someone has the patience to read it and give me some insight. I really could use it on this one. I am DougieD319, by the way. I think I handled it pretty well, but maybe I was a little to weak. So here is the convo:

 

MMDANCE07: i cant have you hate me

DougieD319: i don't

DougieD319: what do you want from me.

MMDANCE07: i dont know

DougieD319: i can't let myself be put in a position to be hurt anymore. I can't suffer because of your confusion.

DougieD319: I love you, and I deserve nothing but love in return, and if i cant have that than what am i supposed to do

DougieD319: In the past I put up with all the back and forth stuff because I really wanted it to work. I loved you, the relationship, and everything we had. I realize I had become a bit of a door mat at the same time. I can't just lay like that anymore. You know my feelings.

MMDANCE07: a door mat? if you feel like you were a door mat thats on you not me because you could have done something about that yourself. and like i said before you never talked to me about the fact that things werent working. its like there were all these red flags that things werent right between us, but you just ignored it when ever things were "good" again.

MMDANCE07: did you really want to be in a relationship with someone who was that confused about it

MMDANCE07: did that seem normal to you

DougieD319: I mean the only thing that wasn't working was your confusion. Our relationship I feel didn't have any problems. I thought it was great. But what you wanted is where the problems lied. And no I didn't like being in a relationship with someone so confused about it. And whenever things went bad again I would let you have your time to yourself to make up your own mind and it seemed like each time you wanted to try again. Sure it was very hard for me. And this last time I really felt like things changed for good. I mean at least from my point of view and think we had a great end to the semester.

MMDANCE07: yeah i had so much room and time to make up my mind. how would you feel if you didnt want to be with me and then i acted completely depressed and mopey to the point of not talking to anyone and giving you a guilt trip. do you know how hard it was for me to watch my best friend and someone i cared about act that depressed? i have always felt like it was all or nothing. i either gave myself to our relationship completely or, if i questioned it, i would lose my friend or feel so incredibly guilty about the fact that i didnt feel right about being together. i shouldnt feel guilty for not feeling like being together is right

DougieD319: Yes, Understandably I did get depressed and sometimes cried in front of you the moment it happened. I understand this may have had an impact on you. However, after you made these decisions i didn't come back to you at all. I didn't initiate any contact with you or make you feel any more guilt than you may have already had. I figured I would let you alone and think for yourself and you would do what you think was best.

MMDANCE07: well it just seemed crazy to me not to be friends with you just because we werent together. and because i was also friends with your roommates i would be around you

MMDANCE07: and you would be obviously very depressed

MMDANCE07: im not talking about crying

MMDANCE07: im talking about not talking to ANYBODY

MMDANCE07: so what? can a couple just not be friends after they break up?

DougieD319: Yes, well those are natural reactions after something traumatic.

DougieD319: Maybe it's easy for you to feel like we can be friends, but that's very difficult for me and almost impossible if someone else becomes involved

DougieD319: I can't just erase all the romantic feelings I have for you and enter friends mode.

DougieD319: and i dont see how you can do that assuming you still have feelings for me. maybe it's easier to act like friends cause I'm not there physically right now.

MMDANCE07: yeah of course

DougieD319: I realize all or nothing with me is a very difficult choice to make, but maybe it is something that will have to be done. I know it would be great if we could actually talk in person about this at least for me but that just may skew your decision. Well, it's not like you have to decide everything right now. maybe think for a couple weeks or something.

DougieD319: unless your positive you would never want to get back together again.

MMDANCE07: some times i feel like this is all that i want. is just to be with you. but i cant get past the feeling that i need to try other things, even if its for no other reason than to be sure that being with you is the right thing. i know that you say you dont need that kind of reassurance, but i do. im sorry. and i just feel like its better to do it now than three years from now.

DougieD319: I understand what you're saying, as hard as that is to say. I also know that 1, 2, 3 years down the road if things didn't work out you would still be plenty young enough to experience other things. But I guess you have the feeling that it's best to be single now despite still having feelings for me. I know if you do still love me or have feelings for me it's very hard, because even after whatever you try doesn't work I may not be around whether I'm with someone else or or not and I realize you understand that.

DougieD319: I guess the way i see it is I look at the long run. I too realize there is a draw to being single and having different experiences, however I see how much I love you and our relationship and that to me is more valuble right now. I also think to myself "is this all I will experience as far as relationships go", I and I know for me time will tell that. If I continue to feel the same way about you then yes I want that to continue, and I wouldn't want to risk it, however if something went wrong down the line I also realize that I will be plenty young to find something else. It's just my 2 cents.

DougieD319: I guess you see it differently and I have to respect that too

DougieD319: Give it some time though. You dont have to decide anything right now if you don't want to.

DougieD319: Of course I want the best for you

DougieD319: and i hope that is with me

DougieD319: but you have to let yourself figure that out for yourself whatever way is best for you

MMDANCE07: ok

DougieD319: I hope what I have to say helps.

MMDANCE07: it helps to know that you arent angry with me. it doesnt help me get over you though and thats what i feel like i need to try to do right now. i know that sounds weird.

DougieD319: I wouldn't say that I'm not angry, but it's useless venting out that anger.

DougieD319: I guess what I need to know is if you have your mind made up about what you want for good.

DougieD319: or if you're still unsure

MMDANCE07: sure that i need to be alone. not sure that i can deal with never being with you again

DougieD319: understandable

 

So that was it, and then she called me up on the phone and we talked for a bit and even had a couple of laughs. She did tell me was "scared" though, I guess about everything.

 

Thanks to anyone who read through that. When she said how she felt I gave her a guilt trip everytime we broke up before, I know for sure I went into no contact mode no matter how hard that was. I never pleaded or begged with her. I will continue not contacting her, although I am sure she will be contacting me. We live in 2 different states now that it's summer and I went back home but I may be living up there starting in July. Any more thoughts on what to do now? Thanks.

[DN]

I think you have made yourself very clear an she should respect that despite her wish to be friends. It's not at all crazy and I don't see at all why she can't see that. It seems she wants to be in control of the relationship whether she is actually with you or not - essentially keeping you on the back burner while she tries out other things.

 

I don't think you should ever trust your heart again to this girl - she is too self absorbed to see past her own wants and needs and to realise how much she had hurt you.

[loveseeker]

I hope you're okay, mate. The only guilt trip she felt was of her own making; I can't believe SHE tried to lay one on YOU though! Unbelievable.

 

Glad to hear you're not going to contact her again. Stay strong; you sound like a great guy!

[DED19]

I don't get it at all. It's been almost a week since my girlfriend broke up with me again (this has been like the 4th time), and once again she wont stop contacting me. She calls me sometimes and is IMing me whenever she gets the chance. This has been her typical behavior every time she has "broken up" with me. Today she said how she missed me like hell and will say stuff that relates to pictures or memories of us. I won't get caught back in this pattern with her again, but what the hell is going on?

[DN]

You won't know unless you ask her and if you ask her you will be making a big mistake. Better to just let it go. If she actually says she wants to get back together, consider your options at that point, until then steer clear.

[loveseeker]

Why does heroin appeal to a junkie? You've been going through this for such a long time now. You must know it's not healthy to keep yourself hooked into someone else's dramas.

 

Just. Say. NO!

[coasty]

I'd talk to her about having a certain amount of no contact time. Meaning neither one of you contacts the other. Either that or block her from IM'ing you. You both need the time to come to terms with what you want from each other. Perhaps you will realize after a while that you don't so much enjoy being her yo-yo.