I can't move past the jealousy

[boltnrun]

2 minutes ago, jessb86a said:

He called her boyfriend arrogant, and I thought I heard a jealous undertone. It struck me as odd. 

Ok, if you feel your jealousy is justified then none of the advice I gave earlier applies.

If you don't trust him then simply break up with him. Being anxious and fearful all the time is no way to live. 

[Wonderstruck]

Just now, jessb86a said:

He called her boyfriend arrogant, and I thought I heard a jealous undertone. It struck me as odd. 

And you probably did.

I'm a firm believer in NOT second-guessing yourself when it comes to your gut instinct, especially when it's a situation where you have tried repeatedly to force yourself to get over it and you just can't.

I hate having to tell you this, but if it were me, I would break up with him because I could not STAND constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop.

[happy1]

6 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Ok, if you feel your jealousy is justified then none of the advice I gave earlier applies.

If you don't trust him then simply break up with him. Being anxious and fearful all the time is no way to live. 

Thank you. 

Now, my head really hurts! 

[happy1]

5 minutes ago, Wonderstruck said:

And you probably did.

I'm a firm believer in NOT second-guessing yourself when it comes to your gut instinct, especially when it's a situation where you have tried repeatedly to force yourself to get over it and you just can't.

I hate having to tell you this, but if it were me, I would break up with him because I could not STAND constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop.

Thank you for your honest opinion. 

[MissCanuck]

Saying someone's boyfriend is arrogant means he is jealous?

Come on. That's a bit of a reach. You are seeing his "tone" through a filter of insecurity and fear, so of course you are going to assume his tone was "jealous."

Look, if you're this anxious and insecure about it that you're ready to end it if he even looks in her direction, the right thing to do is break up because you are not ready for a relationship. 

 

[boltnrun]

I kind of feel bad for the poor guy. I didn't see anything that warrants accusations of lying or cheating or having secret feelings for this coworker/friend. 

But I agree, if you're this miserable and are convinced he's been playing you this entire time then please break up with him so he can find someone who trusts him. And you can find someone you don't have so much distrust of. 

[happy1]

2 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

Saying someone's boyfriend is arrogant means he is jealous?

Come on. That's a bit of a reach. You are seeing his "tone" through a filter of insecurity and fear, so of course you are going to assume his tone was "jealous."

Look, if you're this anxious and insecure about it that you're ready to end it if he even looks in her direction, the right thing to do is break up because you are not ready for a relationship. 

 

And to provide some more context, it was actually me who was talking about my friend and her boyfriend at the time, saying I wasn't sure about him, and my boyfriend simply added, "He seems arrogant." It wasn't like he'd brought it up either. Maybe I have looked too deeply into that one comment. 

[MissCanuck]

23 minutes ago, jessb86a said:

it was actually me who was talking about my friend and her boyfriend at the time, saying I wasn't sure about him, and my boyfriend simply added, "He seems arrogant." It wasn't like he'd brought it up either. Maybe I have looked too deeply into that one comment. 

You absolutely have, especially consider you raised the issue in the first place. 

You are going to sabotage this relationship if you don't get a handle on yourself, jess. You are your own worst enemy, and sooner or later, he is going to get sick of you essentially questioning his integrity and character. 

[happy1]

2 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

You are your own worst enemy, and sooner or later, he is going to get sick of you essentially questioning his integrity and character. 

I've been told this a few times. I push people away because it's easier than being vulnerable and running the risk of getting hurt. It's like I'm looking for any little sign that he's lying to me so I can get in there first and end it. I've never felt jealousy on this level before, but I do know that I overthink everything people say and do because I'm always on high-alert. This is even with family members and friends. But as I'm really into this guy, it's ten-fold. Such a horrible place to be in. 

[happy1]

3 hours ago, boltnrun said:

kind of feel bad for the poor guy. I didn't see anything that warrants accusations of lying or cheating or having secret feelings for this coworker/friend. 

That's reassuring to hear. I really want it to be my problem because I am really into him and he's treated me so well up until now. 

[happy1]

6 hours ago, Wonderstruck said:

And you probably did.

I'm a firm believer in NOT second-guessing yourself when it comes to your gut instinct, especially when it's a situation where you have tried repeatedly to force yourself to get over it and you just can't.

I hate having to tell you this, but if it were me, I would break up with him because I could not STAND constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop.

Thank you. I need to take on board all of the helpful comments and reflect. It's not so black and white because I do have a tendency to think of the worst case scenario and not budge my thinking. I am definitely insecure and that will be skewing my interpretations. But I agree with you that if this feeling just doesn't go away, it's not fair to either of us to keep it going. There has to be trust. 

[Wiseman2]

13 minutes ago, jessb86a said:

 I'm always on high-alert. This is even with family members and friends. 

See a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health. Get some tests done. Ask for a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support.

Hypervigilance can be a symptom of many things. A therapist could help you replace self-defeating thoughts and behaviors with productive and worthwhile actions and thoughts that are more positive.

In the meantime step back and stop asking for reassurance. Watching him like a hawk all day at work for perceived "evidence" that he has a crush must be exhausting. 

You can get help with this.

[Tinydance]

From your post I actually don't necessarily even see signs that your boyfriend is romantically interested in this colleague. OK so he's liked her bikini photo once. This was actually before you and him were dating. He might have just liked her photo because, woman in a bikini lol It may not be necessarily that he was really into her. He might like her as a person so he talks to her. It doesn't necessarily mean he has any feelings for her. Also even if he does find her attractive, it may just be from a more objective point of view. Not in like: "OMG I'm so into her" way.

I think the fact you were thinking of breaking up with him when you don't even really have any proof is extreme. You asked him about it and he said he's not interested in her. I think you just have to trust him. If you can't trust him then the relationship won't last.

[happy1]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

In the meantime step back and stop asking for reassurance. Watching him like a hawk all day at work for perceived "evidence" that he has a crush must be exhausting. 

Thank you for taking the time to comment. It is exhausting and it's taking it's toll on me. I've always suffered with a little bit of anxiety, but I've never seeked helped with it. However, this is the worst I've ever felt it. There was some neglect in my childhood and I had an emotionally abusive partner years ago, so it's probably a combination of past experiences. I can't go on like this, it's wearing me down. I am definitely going to look into therapy and finally admit I may have unresolved issues that are affecting my relationships. 

[happy1]

37 minutes ago, Tinydance said:

From your post I actually don't necessarily even see signs that your boyfriend is romantically interested in this colleague. OK so he's liked her bikini photo once. This was actually before you and him were dating. He might have just liked her photo because, woman in a bikini lol It may not be necessarily that he was really into her. He might like her as a person so he talks to her. It doesn't necessarily mean he has any feelings for her. Also even if he does find her attractive, it may just be from a more objective point of view. Not in like: "OMG I'm so into her" way.

I think the fact you were thinking of breaking up with him when you don't even really have any proof is extreme. You asked him about it and he said he's not interested in her. I think you just have to trust him. If you can't trust him then the relationship won't last.

Thank you so much for your input. Everyone's comments have helped me see things from a differently perspective. It's so hard to rationalise when your anxious thoughts spiral. I can definitely see from all the comments that I am going to push him away and me constantly questioning him is never going to help unless I'm absolutely certain he's crossed a boundary. I need to work on my insecurities and trust issues. Thanks again, it's helped a lot. 

[left due to request]

50 minutes ago, jessb86a said:

Thank you so much for your input. Everyone's comments have helped me see things from a differently perspective. It's so hard to rationalise when your anxious thoughts spiral. I can definitely see from all the comments that I am going to push him away and me constantly questioning him is never going to help unless I'm absolutely certain he's crossed a boundary. I need to work on my insecurities and trust issues. Thanks again, it's helped a lot. 

Reach out for help even on the web.  Just find a reliable publishing source to help you through this.

Ways to Deal With Trust Issues and Insecurities.  See below.

The following are effective ways to deal with trust issues and insecurities:

#1. Say Sorry if Necessary

There is nothing to apologize for when discussing trust difficulties or concerns that existed before the two of you started dating. You can still express regret and sympathy for your spouse by saying things like, “I wish it hadn’t happened to you,” “You didn’t deserve that kind of treatment,” and “I’m sorry you had to go through that.”

#2. Stop The Justification

 Excuses, Justifications, and Explanations are NOT what an apology is. Don’t dilute your apologies by offering justifications or justifications for your actions. Don’t destroy it by pointing out your partner’s mistakes. If you need to repeat this process in order to concentrate on your injured feelings, there is a time for it. However, this is about supporting your spouse when you’re making an apology and listening to them.)

#3. Expressing Regret Entails Accepting Responsibility

 for the results of your actions. It’s not about intentions with them. You harmed or disappointed your partner, even if you didn’t mean to. You should acknowledge the consequences of your conduct in your apologies. Let’s revisit a few instances from step 3 and include an apology statement.

#4. WARNING!! Avoid Making Unintentional Excuses 

Sincerity troubles in your relationship will worsen because your partner will be able to see that you aren’t sincere. Don’t apologize insincerely just because you feel like you should or because your partner expects it of you if you disagree with their assessment of your actions or don’t think you made a mistake. Recall that the apology is about accepting responsibility for the effects of your actions. Therefore, even if you don’t entirely concur with your partner’s account of the wrong, you can still relate to them, respect their emotions, and take responsibility for what you can honestly own. It’s preferable to making an untrue apology.

#5. Take Actions That Promote and Uphold Trust

Referring to our list of things that undermine trust, take the opposite action.

Basically, follow through, be truthful in what you say, don’t hide anything, and express regret when you are mistaken, wrong, or have misunderstood anything.

Be specific in your agreements with others. Talk to each other about your expectations of each other. Limit your promises. Afterward, carry out what you promised to accomplish.

#6. void Acting in Ways that Undermine Confidence

To put it briefly, such behaviors violate the partnership contract.

You can also undermine trust in a relationship by overpromising and underdelivering—this is the most subtle eroder of trust in a relationship.

Do not deceive yourself.

Avoid using anything that was stated to you in a vulnerable situation as a fighting tactic.

#7. Decide to Allow trust to Develop

The following are some important points you should know in your quest to develop trust.

If you Don’t Allow the Trust to Grow

Even if your partner does everything right, it might not be enough to fix the trust problems in your relationship. This entails some exposure to danger. And because of the intimacy and connection you will experience, we hope the risk feels worthwhile.

People May Refuse to Allow Trust to Develop Because They are so Damaged

I don’t feel secure there. When this occurs with one of our customers, it’s typically because the couple rushed through the initial

They Don’t Feel Understood and Lack Faith

If their spouse truly comprehends what went wrong, the injured person CAN NOT allow the trust to grow. This prevents them from feeling confident in the knowledge that it won’t happen again.

Relationship Trust doesn’t have to be all or Nothing

It progresses gradually and incrementally. It would be best if you didn’t feel uncomfortable due to your hasty trust and subsequent heartbreak. Therefore, you can trust your partner a little bit more when they apologize and take steps to restore trust. Allowing yourself (or your spouse) the time and space to let this natural process take place is important. Over time, you’ll realize that you’re more at ease and that, now that you’ve experienced their support, you don’t feel as risky about trusting your partner. And how wonderful it would be!

[happy1]

40 minutes ago, rsml123 said:

Reach out for help even on the web.  Just find a reliable publishing source to help you through this.

Ways to Deal With Trust Issues and Insecurities.  See below.

The following are effective ways to deal with trust issues and insecurities:

#1. Say Sorry if Necessary

There is nothing to apologize for when discussing trust difficulties or concerns that existed before the two of you started dating. You can still express regret and sympathy for your spouse by saying things like, “I wish it hadn’t happened to you,” “You didn’t deserve that kind of treatment,” and “I’m sorry you had to go through that.”

#2. Stop The Justification

 Excuses, Justifications, and Explanations are NOT what an apology is. Don’t dilute your apologies by offering justifications or justifications for your actions. Don’t destroy it by pointing out your partner’s mistakes. If you need to repeat this process in order to concentrate on your injured feelings, there is a time for it. However, this is about supporting your spouse when you’re making an apology and listening to them.)

#3. Expressing Regret Entails Accepting Responsibility

 for the results of your actions. It’s not about intentions with them. You harmed or disappointed your partner, even if you didn’t mean to. You should acknowledge the consequences of your conduct in your apologies. Let’s revisit a few instances from step 3 and include an apology statement.

#4. WARNING!! Avoid Making Unintentional Excuses 

Sincerity troubles in your relationship will worsen because your partner will be able to see that you aren’t sincere. Don’t apologize insincerely just because you feel like you should or because your partner expects it of you if you disagree with their assessment of your actions or don’t think you made a mistake. Recall that the apology is about accepting responsibility for the effects of your actions. Therefore, even if you don’t entirely concur with your partner’s account of the wrong, you can still relate to them, respect their emotions, and take responsibility for what you can honestly own. It’s preferable to making an untrue apology.

#5. Take Actions That Promote and Uphold Trust

Referring to our list of things that undermine trust, take the opposite action.

Basically, follow through, be truthful in what you say, don’t hide anything, and express regret when you are mistaken, wrong, or have misunderstood anything.

Be specific in your agreements with others. Talk to each other about your expectations of each other. Limit your promises. Afterward, carry out what you promised to accomplish.

#6. void Acting in Ways that Undermine Confidence

To put it briefly, such behaviors violate the partnership contract.

You can also undermine trust in a relationship by overpromising and underdelivering—this is the most subtle eroder of trust in a relationship.

Do not deceive yourself.

Avoid using anything that was stated to you in a vulnerable situation as a fighting tactic.

#7. Decide to Allow trust to Develop

The following are some important points you should know in your quest to develop trust.

If you Don’t Allow the Trust to Grow

Even if your partner does everything right, it might not be enough to fix the trust problems in your relationship. This entails some exposure to danger. And because of the intimacy and connection you will experience, we hope the risk feels worthwhile.

People May Refuse to Allow Trust to Develop Because They are so Damaged

I don’t feel secure there. When this occurs with one of our customers, it’s typically because the couple rushed through the initial

They Don’t Feel Understood and Lack Faith

If their spouse truly comprehends what went wrong, the injured person CAN NOT allow the trust to grow. This prevents them from feeling confident in the knowledge that it won’t happen again.

Relationship Trust doesn’t have to be all or Nothing

It progresses gradually and incrementally. It would be best if you didn’t feel uncomfortable due to your hasty trust and subsequent heartbreak. Therefore, you can trust your partner a little bit more when they apologize and take steps to restore trust. Allowing yourself (or your spouse) the time and space to let this natural process take place is important. Over time, you’ll realize that you’re more at ease and that, now that you’ve experienced their support, you don’t feel as risky about trusting your partner. And how wonderful it would be!

Wow! Thank you so much! That's brilliant. I am definitely going to use this. 

[boltnrun]

So, I'm confused.

A couple of posters insist he's playing you and he has a "roving eye" and you should trust your gut and you decide they're right, he's lying to you and you need to break up with him. Now it appears you're backpedaling and admit this ONE comment was actually a casual comment he made when YOU brought up the topic of this friend and her boyfriend. You originally said you think he sounded jealous of her boyfriend and now you say maybe he didn't.

You don't need to invent some excuse or use the opinions of online strangers to break up with him. Just tell him it's not working out because you feel he's been dishonest with you. You'll be free from all the internal turmoil of believing he's lying to you and he actually is in love with this friend and not you.

Do I have this right? 

[happy1]

2 hours ago, boltnrun said:

So, I'm confused.

A couple of posters insist he's playing you and he has a "roving eye" and you should trust your gut and you decide they're right, he's lying to you and you need to break up with him. Now it appears you're backpedaling and admit this ONE comment was actually a casual comment he made when YOU brought up the topic of this friend and her boyfriend. You originally said you think he sounded jealous of her boyfriend and now you say maybe he didn't.

You don't need to invent some excuse or use the opinions of online strangers to break up with him. Just tell him it's not working out because you feel he's been dishonest with you. You'll be free from all the internal turmoil of believing he's lying to you and he actually is in love with this friend and not you.

Do I have this right? 

I took his negative comment about my friend's boyfriend to be jealousy on his part, but it's been brought to my attention that one comment does not necessarily mean he's jealous. I'm trying to get different perspectives so I make an informed decision rather than go off my tunnel vision alone. 

[boltnrun]

3 minutes ago, jessb86a said:

I took his negative comment about my friend's boyfriend to be jealousy on his part, but it's been brought to my attention that one comment does not necessarily mean he's jealous. I'm trying to get different perspectives so I make an informed decision rather than go off my tunnel vision alone. 

You've already talked to him about your fears a few times. Each time he's reassured you he doesn't have feelings for this friend. 

At this point you either believe him or you don't. You either believe your so-called "gut feeling" that he's lying to you is accurate or you think you're being insecure about nothing. The number one question is, do you believe he's being truthful or do you believe he's lying for some reason?

None of us can answer that for you. We can just give you advice based on our own life experiences. People who have been cheated on tend to believe people are cheaters. People who believe that their partner should have zero or only completely robotic interactions with the opposite gender will find his one comment to be inappropriate. Others will find his comment to be offhand and insignificant to your relationship. 

If you think he's been pining over this friend/coworker for your entire relationship and he's just using or playing you for whatever reason, then break up with him. If you can't take anymore of this internal turmoil and you can't find a way to redirect your thoughts, then break up with him. But if you trust that he's been honest with you then I reiterate the suggestions I made previously regarding how to redirect your thoughts and how to deal with your emotions. 

And if you have a tendency to preemptively discard relationships because you continually fear being "hurt" by someone, that is something you might want to explore with a therapist.

[happy1]

10 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

You've already talked to him about your fears a few times. Each time he's reassured you he doesn't have feelings for this friend. 

At this point you either believe him or you don't. You either believe your so-called "gut feeling" that he's lying to you is accurate or you think you're being insecure about nothing. The number one question is, do you believe he's being truthful or do you believe he's lying for some reason?

You've hit the nail on the head - it all comes down to whether I believe him or not. 

I don't believe he's been 'pining' over this friend or has been 'in love' with her the whole time, since he's been very loving and treated me very well - he certainly hasn't been playing games or anything like that. I do believe him when he tells me how he feels about me. He tells me he loves me all the time. 

My fear was that he liked my friend before me and could well still have feelings for her. My worry is that if he used to like her, he can't just 'switch off' his feelings, even if he really wants to. He claims he never liked her and has said that repeatedly. I just don't know why I have to keep doubting him. 

[boltnrun]

2 minutes ago, jessb86a said:

I just don't know why I have to keep doubting him. 

Break it down like a court case. What evidence do you have that he's lying to you about having feelings for her? Can you cite factual examples of how he's demonstrated he has these feelings other than a hunch or "gut feeling"? Be specific. 

So let's pretend your boyfriend did in fact "like" this woman. Could it be that once he fell in love with you she just didn't even matter to him anymore?Perhaps those mythical "feelings" got "switched off" when he fell in love with you. Maybe??

Also, I presume you have had boyfriends or crushes before. Do you still have feelings for any previous guys that interfere with your current relationship? Do you wish you were still with any of those guys? Are you lying to your boyfriend about loving him because you have feelings for a previous boyfriend or crush? Haven't you ever run into a guy you used to like and think "jeez, what was I thinking"?

[happy1]

16 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Break it down like a court case. What evidence do you have that he's lying to you about having feelings for her? Can you cite factual examples of how he's demonstrated he has these feelings other than a hunch or "gut feeling"? Be specific. 

So let's pretend your boyfriend did in fact "like" this woman. Could it be that once he fell in love with you she just didn't even matter to him anymore?Perhaps those mythical "feelings" got "switched off" when he fell in love with you. Maybe??

Also, I presume you have had boyfriends or crushes before. Do you still have feelings for any previous guys that interfere with your current relationship? Do you wish you were still with any of those guys? Are you lying to your boyfriend about loving him because you have feelings for a previous boyfriend or crush? Haven't you ever run into a guy you used to like and think "jeez, what was I thinking"?

Evidence: the bikini photos he liked, I saw him staring at her a couple of times (before I got with him), he made the comment about her boyfriend seeming arrogant, I've noticed he's looked across to where she works a few times (only she works in that space he looked towards), he talks very highly of her (how nice she is etc.)...That's all I can think. 

You make a fair point in the last paragraph. I don't still have feelings for old exes and crushes. What kills me is thinking that he might've liked her and he still sees and chats to her daily. Could he really just stop liking her if he did indeed like her? 

[boltnrun]

12 minutes ago, jessb86a said:

What kills me is thinking that he might've liked her and he still sees and chats to her daily. Could he really just stop liking her if he did indeed like her? 

This is where I see your distrust of him. He said over and over he does not "like" her and does not have feelings for her, and that he loves you, yet you still believe he's been lying this whole time. You think he's capable of this kind of deceit. 

I think breaking up with him is the only reasonable solution. I can't imagine why you would want to stay in a relationship with someone you distrust and who you believe is capable of these kinds of lies and deceit. 

[happy1]

3 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

This is where I see your distrust of him. He said over and over he does not "like" her and does not have feelings for her, and that he loves you, yet you still believe he's been lying this whole time. You think he's capable of this kind of deceit. 

I think breaking up with him is the only reasonable solution. I can't imagine why you would want to stay in a relationship with someone you distrust and who you believe is capable of these kinds of lies and deceit. 

I guess because I would struggle to trust anyone due to my insecurity and low self-worth that I've mentioned to a few people on here. I badly want to trust him because otherwise, the relationship is lovely and I love him. I'm frightened it's another case of pushing someone away. I want someone to shake me and tell me it's all in my head. But only I can decide whether I can get over this mistrust.