I’m so conflicted and hurt what do I do

[Ice queen]

1 hour ago, SooSad33 said:

Yeah, they can be friends.. if it's genuine.  Some guys will try to be a friend, but only for a certain reason.

I have guy friends from back in HS.  They have no intent. So, it proves they don't look at me that way.

As for what you mentioned how, if women speak up abt not liking a guys friends, it's okay, but if a guy does it's controlling.  It's all in their behaviour. You should be seeing how he acts.  His behaviour and same goes for the women.  Sure, some are controlling - with how they behave.

But, if your bf is constantly going at you eg. about your past - it's a show of jealousy.

How would you say you go about finding out a male friend’s intentions with you. Just by how they act or straight up asking them 

[boltnrun]

2 minutes ago, Ice queen said:

How would you say you go about finding out a male friend’s intentions with you. Just by how they act or straight up asking them 

Are you concerned that a male friend wants to be more than friends with you?

For me it was obvious. My good male friends never say anything inappropriate or try to "go in for a kiss". They don't badmouth who I'm dating. They don't bring up sex. They don't suggest we date or get together or hook up. They don't suggest getting together alone in a romantic setting. They don't send inappropriate pics or ask for them from me. They don't try to make physical contact other than a friendly one arm hug when greeting or leaving. 

One man who was trying to date me said so clearly. Several times. I finally had to end the friendship because he didn't seem able to take "no, I view you as a friend but not as a potential date or partner" as an answer. 

Has your boyfriend complained about a male friend of yours?

[spinstermanquee]

15 minutes ago, Ice queen said:

How would you say you go about finding out a male friend’s intentions with you.

You don't even go there, you follow your instincts.  If you're in a committed relationship and love your person you will be impervious to others' influence.  And if you're in a balanced and healthy one your bf trusts you will only let HIS boots under your bed and is proud of his loyal partner 😉

I think what you are really asking, is how do i protect/shield myself from my bf's toxic jealousy and suspicion?  How can i find out in advance if a guy friend has romantic designs on me so i can quickly kick him to the curb before my ever-vigilant and accusing bf blows a fuse?  A good relationship begins with trust.  He is leading with talk about you cheating and your friends are h**s.  Kind of backwards (guilty until proven innocent).  Didn't even give you a chance to be loyal before you were relegated to walking on eggshells or twisting yourself into a pretzel to avoid his suspicions.

Think about Batya's story.  That whole discomfort - you could call it jealousy or concern, doesn't matter by what name, was RESPECTFULLY communicated to Batya.  In the very best way to describe what I think is a useless emotion, jealousy arises when you are afraid/concerned/worried to lose something you truly value.  Does this man truly value you or are you just another h** out to get him and disappoint him?

[Ice queen]

18 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Are you concerned that a male friend wants to be more than friends with you?

For me it was obvious. My good male friends never say anything inappropriate or try to "go in for a kiss". They don't badmouth who I'm dating. They don't bring up sex. They don't suggest we date or get together or hook up. They don't suggest getting together alone in a romantic setting. They don't send inappropriate pics or ask for them from me. They don't try to make physical contact other than a friendly one arm hug when greeting or leaving. 

One man who was trying to date me said so clearly. Several times. I finally had to end the friendship because he didn't seem able to take "no, I view you as a friend but not as a potential date or partner" as an answer. 

Has your boyfriend complained about a male friend of yours?

Nope, any friends I may have had concerns about I got rid of them especially as they weren’t close friends to me. When we’ve discussed this topic my partner just mentions why do guys have pretty girl friends. Their intentions are wrong and if I was to ask for a date or whatever they would most likely say yes

[boltnrun]

2 minutes ago, Ice queen said:

Nope, any friends I may have had concerns about I got rid of them especially as they weren’t close friends to me. When we’ve discussed this topic my partner just mentions why do guys have pretty girl friends. Their intentions are wrong and if I was to ask for a date or whatever they would most likely say yes

I figured it was one more thing your boyfriend found to go on about. He's warning you to stay away from all men except for him.

Yes, his actions are controlling. However, you seem to not mind being controlled and even choose to "rectify" anything you think he doesn't like. If this type of relationship works for you of course that's fine. 

[SooSad33]

51 minutes ago, Ice queen said:

How would you say you go about finding out a male friend’s intentions with you. Just by how they act or straight up asking them 

Usually you can pick up hints with their behaviour.

Yah, I've had 'guy friends' and I can tell they don't see me as anything more than a friend because they don't overly flirt with me, they don't use come on lines. They don't approach me & my 'space' ( move in too close).  They are decent and just joke around, like they would anyone else.

I don't feel uneasy around them. 

 

19 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

any friends I may have had concerns about I got rid of them especially as they weren’t close friends to me. When we’ve discussed this topic my partner just mentions why do guys have pretty girl friends. Their intentions are wrong and if I was to ask for a date or whatever they would most likely say yes

As BotlnRun mentioned, another form of control.

Did you get rid of them because your BF said such things?  If so, that is not right.  You rid of someone if YOU feel they're setting you off ( toxic). Or their intent is wrong.

IMO, your partner is assuming too much.  Something sets him off wrong with why guys have gals as 'friends'.  No, not all have an ulterior motive. ( Yes, some might but you can tell, as I said w/ their behaviour).

One comes to see in time if they are a true friend or not. ( Not because someone else says something).

 

[Batya33]

3 hours ago, Ice queen said:

How would you say you go about finding out a male friend’s intentions with you. Just by how they act or straight up asking them 

So with female friends do you ask them "so do you actually want to be my friend or do you have ulterior motives?" Or do you simply get to know a person and decide whether you have stuff in common and whether the person meets your standards of friendship.  Yes you see how people act to determine whether they are treating you appropriately. If a man asks you out on a date or heavy-flirts etc then  you know off the bat that particular man is interested in you romantically and likely not for a platonic friendship.

[Jaunty]

9 hours ago, Ice queen said:

How would you say you go about finding out a male friend’s intentions with you. Just by how they act or straight up asking them 

No.  If they're your friend, be friends.  If they behave inappropriately towards you with respect to the nature of your friendship or the fact that you're seeing someone, then you may have to address it or else cut ties.  

[sislee20]

first and for most you should never Charge who you are for a person. And not talking Major things. Small Changes to build a healthy relationship are key act... Self care, trust building, being more open, fitness. Things like that are key but black carding friends is not healthy for yourself. And anything to do with your past if he truly loves you for you, your past shouldn't matter thats not the Person you are today. Everyone has a past that is what makes us who we are today as long as we are better then we were before. So he should be proud of the person you have become not who you were. And how Many people you have been with before him Shouldn't be a Concern, we call have had Past relationship. It that is a main Concern for him then he has In security issues. And to be honest from what you explained he seems some what Controlling, and that Could be a big red flag. Please remember to be yourself and love who you are today not yesterday...