I’m so conflicted and hurt what do I do

[Batya33]

38 minutes ago, Ice queen said:

I didn’t see it as controlling behaviour cos he’s not telling me what to do but expressing how he feels and I form actions off of that. 

Yes but consider why he would choose to verbalize to you -without you asking -how he "feels" about your basic life choices? He could choose -out of respect and love -not to share because he trusts you as an adult and believes you know how to take care of yourself and make choices.  And if you need his input you will ask- but instead he imposes his "feelings" on you and sees how you react -like a yes dear puppet. Which to many people is a huge turn off - you act on what he expresses - likely out of insecurity.  He doesn't have to tell you what to do even -he just chooses not to have a filter and express his feelings as if you were a toddler.  

[spinstermanquee]

Good quote I read somewhere: 

When a toxic person can no longer control you, they will try to control how others see you. The misinformation will feel unfair, but stay above it, trusting that other people will eventually see the truth, just like you did.

Your boyfriend cannot control your friends or ex so he is throwing shade on them and complaining about minutiae.  That stuff is outside the realm of your relationship, and a healthy person would just.not.care.  They would look for ways to enjoy your time together, find common interests, build bridges to the friends they like and include you with their friends that you like.  Not all the time, mind you, but when appropriate.

My husband does not care for a few of my siblings who have... ah different views.  But he doesn't try to prevent me from seeing them just because he doesn't like them.  He also doesn't like ALL my friends.  But again, he doesn't try to prevent me from seeing them or tell me about his "feelings" so I can take "action" and "remedy" the situation.

I've posted several times here about the early stages of our relationship so if you want to read how we handled the "past talk" click on my profile and go back a few posts.  All the best to you my dear!

Edited to add - if you were really a h** because of your friends, then why didn't he just dump you?  Taking the h**'s posse away doesn't change the h** it just robs them of like-minded company (said with a big dose of humor).  Then he'd be left with a friendless, sad h**

[Ice queen]

4 minutes ago, spinstermanquee said:

Good quote I read somewhere: 

When a toxic person can no longer control you, they will try to control how others see you. The misinformation will feel unfair, but stay above it, trusting that other people will eventually see the truth, just like you did.

Your boyfriend cannot control your friends or ex so he is throwing shade on them and complaining about minutiae.  That stuff is outside the realm of your relationship, and a healthy person would just.not.care.  They would look for ways to enjoy your time together, find common interests, build bridges to the friends they like and include you with their friends that you like.  Not all the time, mind you, but when appropriate.

My husband does not care for a few of my siblings who have... ah different views.  But he doesn't try to prevent me from seeing them just because he doesn't like them.  He also doesn't like ALL my friends.  But again, he doesn't try to prevent me from seeing them or tell me about his "feelings" so I can take "action" and "remedy" the situation.

I've posted several times here about the early stages of our relationship so if you want to read how we handled the "past talk" click on my profile and go back a few posts.  All the best to you my dear!

Appreciate this!! 

[Ice queen]

10 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Yes but consider why he would choose to verbalize to you -without you asking -how he "feels" about your basic life choices? He could choose -out of respect and love -not to share because he trusts you as an adult and believes you know how to take care of yourself and make choices.  And if you need his input you will ask- but instead he imposes his "feelings" on you and sees how you react -like a yes dear puppet. Which to many people is a huge turn off - you act on what he expresses - likely out of insecurity.  He doesn't have to tell you what to do even -he just chooses not to have a filter and express his feelings as if you were a toddler.  

I see 

[Batya33]

In 17 years together my husband expressed a strong opinion about one male friend of mine in one particular situation.  We'd been dating a couple of months. A platonic male friend and I made plans to meet up with my husband for dinner.  Then friend asked me to meet him privately before dinner because he had a personal issue he wanted to discuss- on a Friday night. My husband said he felt uncomfortable -it was a Friday night and he didn't feel comfortable with me meeting up with him alone in advance. 

I respected his wishes. I called my friend.  He said "you know you're right -we shouldn't meet before and I am very sorry I asked."  We all met. My friend made it his goal to make sure my husband felt comfortable and to befriend my husband. 

We ended up meeting up in groups a couple of times after and my friend always treated my husband with respect and was supportive of our relationship and when we spoke he regularly asked how my husband was doing and expressed how he thought we made such a good match and he was a good person for me, etc.  

One time.  I didn't find my husband's request controlling -it was very specific and he bent over backwards after to accept my friend and our friendship.  And in hindsight my husband was right that it was crossing boundaries in that specific situation. 

[Batya33]

2 minutes ago, Ice queen said:

I see 

But do you? You keep making excuses for him and hanging on every word of posters who generalize about "men" and sex partners and other irrelevant - to me- generalizations and distractions.

[left due to request]

I think some of us are missing some info while claiming 'control' issues.  She was 'traumatized' while her 'her friends' were near and they do social drugs.  Not only that, one of her friends made a move on her man.  What does that tell you about her friends?

Is it really so wrong for him to ask her not to hang around with her friends?

Is that considered control?  Ex partner etiquette... when you break up with someone, what would most do?  Is it so wrong for your spouse to question why old pictures are still active?

Yes there are abuse cases and control freaks out there but this appear very normal to me...  Sex partner numbers?  I would almost bet that her past partners are still her friends, which would make this situation even worse. 

[Ice queen]

1 minute ago, rsml123 said:

I think some of us are missing some info while claiming 'control' issues.  She was 'traumatized' while her 'her friends' were near and they do social drugs.  Not only that, one of her friends made a move oh her man.  What does that tell you about her friends?

Is it really so wrong for him to ask her not to hang around with her friends?

Is that considered control?  Ex partner etiquette... when you break up with someone, what would most do?  Is it so wrong for you spouse to question why old pictures are still active?

Yes there are abuse cases and control freaks out there but this appear very normal to me...  Sex partner numbers?  I would almost bet that her past partners are still her friends, which would make this situation even worse. 
 

to clarify no sexual partners are involved in my life. At the beginning of the relationship I had one on Instagram who popped up about a random thing and then removed him & I had another ones contact as we remained friends which also messaged to see how I was doing but due to the fact I was in this relationship I responded with (to cut it short) “we’ve had interactions so out of respect we won’t be friends” 

 

this was all at the beginning of the relationship - no sexual partners are in my life currently or have been for a while 

 

hope that gives insight 

[boltnrun]

How is berating her about her number of past partners OK? What exactly is she supposed to do to change this?

OP, I can see you are clinging to the responses that support you staying in this relationship and that say what your boyfriend is doing isn't controlling or concerning. You seem to want to stay in this relationship very badly and therefore are disregarding anything that suggests it isn't healthy.

Do you want advice, or do you want encouragement that what your boyfriend is doing is healthy, loving and normal?

[Ice queen]

7 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

In 17 years together my husband expressed a strong opinion about one male friend of mine in one particular situation.  We'd been dating a couple of months. A platonic male friend and I made plans to meet up with my husband for dinner.  Then friend asked me to meet him privately before dinner because he had a personal issue he wanted to discuss- on a Friday night. My husband said he felt uncomfortable -it was a Friday night and he didn't feel comfortable with me meeting up with him alone in advance. 

I respected his wishes. I called my friend.  He said "you know you're right -we shouldn't meet before and I am very sorry I asked."  We all met. My friend made it his goal to make sure my husband felt comfortable and to befriend my husband. 

We ended up meeting up in groups a couple of times after and my friend always treated my husband with respect and was supportive of our relationship and when we spoke he regularly asked how my husband was doing and expressed how he thought we made such a good match and he was a good person for me, etc.  

One time.  I didn't find my husband's request controlling -it was very specific and he bent over backwards after to accept my friend and our friendship.  And in hindsight my husband was right that it was crossing boundaries in that specific situation. 

It’s sounds to me like even though your husband was uncomfortable he trusted you and rather than advising to get rid of your male friend altogether he trusted your actions and the fact you trust your friend and tried to get to know this male friend and it worked out in the end 

[Ice queen]

8 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

But do you? You keep making excuses for him and hanging on every word of posters who generalize about "men" and sex partners and other irrelevant - to me- generalizations and distractions.

Well hearing everyone’s response has opened my eyes about some things 

[Ice queen]

4 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

How is berating her about her number of past partners OK? What exactly is she supposed to do to change this?

OP, I can see you are clinging to the responses that support you staying in this relationship and that say what your boyfriend is doing isn't controlling or concerning. You seem to want to stay in this relationship very badly and therefore are disregarding anything that suggests it isn't healthy.

Do you want advice, or do you want encouragement that what your boyfriend is doing is healthy, loving and normal?

I feel I am responding mutually to everyone. I want advice for sure! 

in your opinion, do you think there’s no point even trying to talk to him about his behaviours and should just move on? 

[left due to request]

12 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

How is berating her about her number of past partners OK? What exactly is she supposed to do to change this?

OP, I can see you are clinging to the responses that support you staying in this relationship and that say what your boyfriend is doing isn't controlling or concerning. You seem to want to stay in this relationship very badly and therefore are disregarding anything that suggests it isn't healthy.

Do you want advice, or do you want encouragement that what your boyfriend is doing is healthy, loving and normal?

Apparently people in this group think I promote control and abuse so I'm done with this topic.  Wish you the best of luck

[boltnrun]

10 minutes ago, Ice queen said:

I feel I am responding mutually to everyone. I want advice for sure! 

in your opinion, do you think there’s no point even trying to talk to him about his behaviours and should just move on? 

Your respond with  "I see" to things you seem to not want to hear. It's just an observation. 

I don't see why you can't talk to him. Say something like "It's concerning to me that you are having issues with something I can do nothing about, my past. I understood somewhat when you talked down about my friends, but it upsets me when you imply you believe I'll cheat on you someday. To me these aren't the actions of someone who loves me. Can you explain what it is you think I should do about my past? And if you believe I'll cheat on you, why would you want to be in a relationship with me?" Listen to what he says. If he repeats that he's angry about your past and that he thinks you'll cheat, say something like "I can see you really believe this. I don't want to be in a relationship with someone who thinks these kind of things about me. I need some time to think." Then decide if you want a lifetime of being berated about your past and of being accused of future cheating when you have no intention to do so.

[Ice queen]

3 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Your respond with  "I see" to things you seem to not want to hear. It's just an observation. 

I don't see why you can't talk to him. Say something like "It's concerning to me that you are having issues with something I can do nothing about, my past. I understood somewhat when you talked down about my friends, but it upsets me when you imply you believe I'll cheat on you someday. To me these aren't the actions of someone who loves me. Can you explain what it is you think I should do about my past? And if you believe I'll cheat on you, why would you want to be in a relationship with me?" Listen to what he says. If he repeats that he's angry about your past and that he thinks you'll cheat, say something like "I can see you really believe this. I don't want to be in a relationship with someone who thinks these kind of things about me. I need some time to think." Then decide if you want a lifetime of being berated about your past and of being accused of future cheating when you have no intention to do so.

Thank you! 

[Ice queen]

5 minutes ago, rsml123 said:

Apparently people in this group think I promote control and abuse so I'm done with this topic.  Wish you the best of luck

I asked for a male’s opinion and I got it. I’m sorry people made you feel this way and I do appreciate your views and voice. Feel free to carry this conversation on privately. I respect what everyone’s saying 

 

You expressed your pov and they expressed theirs 

[Batya33]

Yes of course you can talk.  Use I statements -own how you feel when he gives you unsolicited input on his feelings about your friends/job/movements/communication - "I feel treated disrespectfully when you____" "I feel like I'm walking on eggshells when you make comments about___" "I want to be treated with respect and like an adult who makes generally good decisions about my own life and when I want your advice I'll ask -does that work for oy in this relationship?"

[Betterwithout]

Male here.

This guy is controlling.  Period.
You have to make the decision if that is what you want in your life.
It's not for everyone, but is for some.

[Ice queen]

1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

Yes of course you can talk.  Use I statements -own how you feel when he gives you unsolicited input on his feelings about your friends/job/movements/communication - "I feel treated disrespectfully when you____" "I feel like I'm walking on eggshells when you make comments about___" "I want to be treated with respect and like an adult who makes generally good decisions about my own life and when I want your advice I'll ask -does that work for oy in this relationship?"

Thank you

[Ice queen]

1 hour ago, Betterwithout said:

Male here.

This guy is controlling.  Period.
You have to make the decision if that is what you want in your life.
It's not for everyone, but is for some.

I hear you 

[Betterwithout]

1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

Yes of course you can talk.  Use I statements -own how you feel when he gives you unsolicited input on his feelings about your friends/job/movements/communication - "I feel treated disrespectfully when you____" "I feel like I'm walking on eggshells when you make comments about___" "I want to be treated with respect and like an adult who makes generally good decisions about my own life and when I want your advice I'll ask -does that work for oy in this relationship?"

"I statements" work really well.  They serve three excellent purposes,
1) they help the other person get a real understanding of your feelings which might not have been otherwise been communicated as effectively or efficiently in the past. 
2) The other person doesn't feel threatened or facing blame, so it's unlikely to turn into a heated argument.   
3) Last but not certainly least.......It is heartfelt and gives you a sense of how your partner truly loves, cares and respects you in the conversation on their response.  If your partner really listens intently and has an equally warm response to catering to your feelings, that speaks VOLUMES.  
If you decide to have a chat with I statements, find a good time to do it...and pay very close attention to THEIR response.   That will determine where your relationship is headed or not headed.

[Jaunty]

2 hours ago, rsml123 said:

 

Is it really so wrong for him to ask her not to hang around with her friends?

Yes

2 hours ago, rsml123 said:

Is that considered control? 

Yes.

2 hours ago, rsml123 said:

 

Yes there are abuse cases and control freaks out there but this appear very normal to me...  Sex partner numbers?  I would almost bet that her past partners are still her friends, which would make this situation even worse. 

If the guy can't deal with these aspects of the OP's life, he needs to move on.  Not try to control her or what her ex bf has on HIS social media, who she sees, what she wears, etc.  It's black and white.   

[Ice queen]

1 hour ago, Betterwithout said:

"I statements" work really well.  They serve three excellent purposes,
1) they help the other person get a real understanding of your feelings which might not have been otherwise been communicated as effectively or efficiently in the past. 
2) The other person doesn't feel threatened or facing blame, so it's unlikely to turn into a heated argument.   
3) Last but not certainly least.......It is heartfelt and gives you a sense of how your partner truly loves, cares and respects you in the conversation on their response.  If your partner really listens intently and has an equally warm response to catering to your feelings, that speaks VOLUMES.  
If you decide to have a chat with I statements, find a good time to do it...and pay very close attention to THEIR response.   That will determine where your relationship is headed or not headed.

Thank you 

[SooSad33]

18 hours ago, Ice queen said:

Ok so what’s everyone’s opinion on male and females being friends. Can it be done? Do you think it can only be done if it’s been clarified you’re not interested in each other. 

Yeah, they can be friends.. if it's genuine.  Some guys will try to be a friend, but only for a certain reason.

I have guy friends from back in HS.  They have no intent. So, it proves they don't look at me that way.

As for what you mentioned how, if women speak up abt not liking a guys friends, it's okay, but if a guy does it's controlling.  It's all in their behaviour. You should be seeing how he acts.  His behaviour and same goes for the women.  Sure, some are controlling - with how they behave.

But, if your bf is constantly going at you eg. about your past - it's a show of jealousy.

[Jaunty]

4 hours ago, Ice queen said:

in your opinion, do you think there’s no point even trying to talk to him about his behaviours and should just move on? 

Sure, talk to him.  

What NOT to do is to try to appease his insecurity and need for control by what you call "rectifying."  

That's an interesting choice of words.  It carries an implication that you thought there was something wrong with what you were doing.  In fact, you didn't "rectify" anything, since you described nothing wrong.   You were doing what you felt you needed to do to assuage HIS problems.  Stop doing that, if you can.  If you can't, you can get professional help.