Girl I’ve been dating had a freak out and has now said she wants to be FWB

[Guyonajourney]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

It seems like nothing has changed and you're both still ok with FWB. It's fine to hang out as friends, have sex etc, since it's clear that neither of you see the other as relationship material and FWB is the perfect space filler for that.

As long as it's working out and you both enjoy things. Of course FWB is a temporary solution so eventually things will come to a close anyway.

 

I guess so. I means he has potential to be a really good partner but I’m not really in the market for that just yet. I wouldn’t rule it out if it ever came to it though. 
 

But as you say FWB/situationships are temporary and either fizzle out or one person catches feelings when the other isn’t ready. 

[Guyonajourney]

1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

Hopefully you're using great birth control since it doesn't sound like you two are actually good friends or even decent friends.  Imagine co-parenting with her.

She’s actually a sweet girl and we get along very well. 
 

When we spend time together it does feel very “relationshipey”. 
 

But yes contraception always used. 

[Batya33]

Just now, Guyonajourney said:

She’s actually a sweet girl and we get along very well. 
 

When we spend time together it does feel very “relationshipey”. 
 

But yes contraception always used. 

Which is not foolproof so I assume you and sweet girl have discussed sweetly what would happen if she got pregnant especially since you're having fun playing at being a couple.

[Batya33]

3 minutes ago, Guyonajourney said:

I guess so. I means he has potential to be a really good partner but I’m not really in the market for that just yet. I wouldn’t rule it out if it ever came to it though. 
 

But as you say FWB/situationships are temporary and either fizzle out or one person catches feelings when the other isn’t ready. 

No one catches feelings.  People choose how to conduct themselves and if they have feelings develop especially based on choices -like choosing to have sex with someone- they choose how to react to them.  It's nice you see her in general as having potential to fit the bill of a good partner and good you know that you're not available for a potentially serious relationship and are available to act relationshipey and have sex.  Right now she is on the same page with you and it's good she knows where you stand so she can have fun playing at being a couple and having sex with you. 

[boltnrun]

You've already "caught feelings".

[bluecastle]

2 hours ago, Guyonajourney said:

I means she has potential to be a really good partner but I’m not really in the market for that just yet.

When you are sincerely in the market for an actual partner you will see that the gap between "potential" and "actual" can rival the span of the Grand Canyon, which is to say this sort of hot/cold push/pull toe-step won't produce any magnetism or mystery.

For the time being, however, it seems you're both scratching a similar itch: a desire for sex, fluttery companionship, and the sort of eyelash-batting drama that can, at least for a bit, feel like a sincere substitute for a deepening connection. All good. Enjoy the ride, best you can.

Something to think about?

People generally share with others that which they want validated. So when someone says "I'm not ready" and said statement leads to sex and cuddles, you are not actually moving closer to anything resembling a relationship but further, kind of like opting to binge watch YouTube videos of skydiving as opposed to jumping out of a plane. Both produce a certain rush, sure, but the fact remains that the more time you spend staring at a screen the further you are from whatever you're starting at.   

 

[Guyonajourney]

54 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

You've already "caught feelings".

Maybe you are right and I’m just lying to myself and thats why I am here trying to get some of my thoughts out haha

[Batya33]

2 minutes ago, Guyonajourney said:

Maybe you are right and I’m just lying to myself and thats why I am here trying to get some of my thoughts out haha

Why is it funny though -you are having sex with this woman and playing at being a couple - it's easier to do it your way -you get to have sex and play pretend games but there's such a great risk of real hurt or worse.

[Guyonajourney]

20 minutes ago, bluecastle said:

When you are sincerely in the market for an actual partner you will see that the gap between "potential" and "actual" can rival the span of the Grand Canyon, which is to say this sort of hot/cold push/pull toe-step won't produce any magnetism or mystery.

For the time being, however, it seems you're both scratching a similar itch: a desire for sex, fluttery companionship, and the sort of eyelash-batting drama that can, at least for a bit, feel like a sincere substitute for a deepening connection. All good. Enjoy the ride, best you can.

Something to think about?

People generally share with others that which they want validated. So when someone says "I'm not ready" and said statement leads to sex and cuddles, you are not actually moving closer to anything resembling a relationship but further, kind of like opting to binge watch YouTube videos of skydiving as opposed to jumping out of a plane. Both produce a certain rush, sure, but the fact remains that the more time you spend staring at a screen the further you are from whatever you're starting at.   

 

To be totally honest she could easily be a future partner of mine, I say potentially due to my current feelings and her current actions. She ticks all my boxes apart from this nonsense about not wanting to date. 
 

dont know if I quite understand the analogy. Surely the more time you spend together and during that time she acts like a gf is closer to a relationship that it isnt? I’ve probably misunderstood

[Guyonajourney]

Just now, Batya33 said:

Why is it funny though -you are having sex with this woman and playing at being a couple - it's easier to do it your way -you get to have sex and play pretend games but there's such a great risk of real hurt or worse.

Its not funny. I’d rather we dated than just this FWB crap. Its all fun and games but theres no substance and I’d much prefer to go on fun dates and see where things go. 

[bluecastle]

5 minutes ago, Guyonajourney said:

To be totally honest she could easily be a future partner of mine, I say potentially due to my current feelings and her current actions. She ticks all my boxes apart from this nonsense about not wanting to date. 

Okay, here's another analogy. 

Let's say you want to go on a long car ride and are not a professional mechanic. You see a car for sale: looks nice from the outside, but then you learn the engine stalls, the axel is cracked, and the tires have a tendency to fall off when you go over 20mph.

Do you deem the car to tick all your boxes, or only the most superficial ones? 

8 minutes ago, Guyonajourney said:

Surely the more time you spend together and during that time she acts like a gf is closer to a relationship that it isnt?

No, at least in my experience, and I say this as someone who has spent a lot of time, not proudly, as the "not ready" one in similar entanglements.

Much like the word "potential," the phrase "she acts like gf" is a product of your imagination. It's an interpretation of events to support your own hopes, one with high chance of not matching the interpretation of someone who is saying, "If you want something real you should look elsewhere." 

[boltnrun]

19 minutes ago, Guyonajourney said:

Maybe you are right and I’m just lying to myself and thats why I am here trying to get some of my thoughts out haha

You're telling yourself stories to justify keeping this strange situation going.

Yes, it's going to hurt when she finally ends it because she met someone she does want to be in a relationship with. And I'm not saying that to take a dig at you. It's just life experience. When someone wants to be with you they do not put up word barriers. 

[Guyonajourney]

20 minutes ago, bluecastle said:

Okay, here's another analogy. 

Let's say you want to go on a long car ride and are not a professional mechanic. You see a car for sale: looks nice from the outside, but then you learn the engine stalls, the axel is cracked, and the tires have a tendency to fall off when you go over 20mph.

Do you deem the car to tick all your boxes, or only the most superficial ones? 

No, at least in my experience, and I say this as someone who has spent a lot of time, not proudly, as the "not ready" one in similar entanglements.

Much like the word "potential," the phrase "she acts like gf" is a product of your imagination. It's an interpretation of events to support your own hopes, one with high chance of not matching the interpretation of someone who is saying, "If you want something real you should look elsewhere." 

Yeah that makes more sense. 
 

she does though, she cooks for me and always makes first moves. Soon as I walk in she’s cuddling me kissing me. She initiates 80% of the contact. And why does she say things like “you are boyfriend material, maybe if this arrangement works out we’ll be able to date again” is she just trying to keep me on a hook?

[Wiseman2]

10 minutes ago, Guyonajourney said:

, she cooks for me and always makes first moves. Soon as I walk in she’s cuddling me kissing me. She initiates 80% of the contact. 

Have you stepped up and asked to date exclusively and have a relationship? You seem to be simultaneously soaking up the attention and being cruel enough to push her away.

Perhaps it's time for you to figure out what you want out of this rather than list how much she adores you combined with lists how you refuse treat her like a GF (saying no to communication or helping her,etc.)

[Guyonajourney]

22 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

You're telling yourself stories to justify keeping this strange situation going.

Yes, it's going to hurt when she finally ends it because she met someone she does want to be in a relationship with. And I'm not saying that to take a dig at you. It's just life experience. When someone wants to be with you they do not put up word barriers. 

Guess so. If someone really wanted to be with you they would. I’ve heard that a million times just don’t know how true it necessarily is.
 

A lot of people want time to themselves after break ups (I am still in the headspace of enjoying my own company and looking after myself but happy to date) She is very much the same, we broke up with our exs at around the same time. Since we started speaking shes not dated anyone else or spoke to anyone else

[boltnrun]

10 minutes ago, Guyonajourney said:

Yeah that makes more sense. 
 

she does though, she cooks for me and always makes first moves. Soon as I walk in she’s cuddling me kissing me. She initiates 80% of the contact. And why does she say things like “you are boyfriend material, maybe if this arrangement works out we’ll be able to date again” is she just trying to keep me on a hook?

Look at everything she's getting just for saying a few cute words and doing something she'd be doing for herself anyway (cooking). And sorry, but if you don't think she can't clearly see how into her you are, well, you're wrong about that. 

It's fun to have a fan. It's fun to be able to play at a relationship with none of the responsibilities. And if she does meet someone else and ends this pseudo relationship setup you have no right to get upset. After all, she told you that you two are not dating!

Win-win for her all the way around. Maybe not so much for you. 

If she did tell you she met someone else and won't be seeing you anymore, would that hurt? Honestly? 

[bluecastle]

7 minutes ago, Guyonajourney said:

is she just trying to keep me on a hook?

I doubt she has some master plan here, just as I doubt you do. Clearly whatever she's doing is keeping you on the hook, just as whatever you're doing is having a similar affect on her, so you're kind of both alternating at playing the fish and fly-rod. And, hey, if you're both still licking wounds from the past, something like this can be a nice, if edgy, little purgatory. 

I've been in your shoes, been in hers. I've also been in longterm relationships. In my own experience these two worlds, close as they can seem while squinting with white knuckles, rarely overlap. Reason is simple: you are each behaving in ways that you would likely not want seen, experienced, or validated by a serious committed partner.  

 

[Guyonajourney]

6 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Have you stepped up and asked to date exclusively and have a relationship? You seem to be simultaneously soaking up the attention and being cruel enough to push her away.

Perhaps it's time for you to figure out what you want out of this rather than list how much she adores you combined with lists how you refuse treat her like a GF (saying no to communication or helping her,etc.)

I mean not explicitly. But I’ve tried to organise dates recently etc and shes seemed keen then changes her mind. 

She said this previously - I just know that I’m definitely not ready for anything serious with anyone. I’ve been enjoying this time on my own and I’m not ready to give it up” 

 

 

[Guyonajourney]

7 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Look at everything she's getting just for saying a few cute words and doing something she'd be doing for herself anyway (cooking). And sorry, but if you don't think she can't clearly see how into her you are, well, you're wrong about that. 

It's fun to have a fan. It's fun to be able to play at a relationship with none of the responsibilities. And if she does meet someone else and ends this pseudo relationship setup you have no right to get upset. After all, she told you that you two are not dating!

Win-win for her all the way around. Maybe not so much for you. 

If she did tell you she met someone else and won't be seeing you anymore, would that hurt? Honestly? 

Well funny you say that. We both agreed to tell each other if we sleep with anyone else for sexual health purposes. I said yes to that and she said “I will too but doesnt matter as I dont plan on it, are you going to sleep with anyone?” I was like I dont plan on either. 
 

i was honest and said “to be honest you did, I’d just end this arrangement and cut contact as I’m not about that.” She said - “don’t be mean, it’s not going to happen” 

[boltnrun]

1 minute ago, Guyonajourney said:

Well funny you say that. We both agreed to tell each other if we sleep with anyone else for sexual health purposes. I said yes to that and she said “I will too but doesnt matter as I dont plan on it, are you going to sleep with anyone?” I was like I dont plan on either. 
 

i was honest and said “to be honest you did, I’d just end this arrangement and cut contact as I’m not about that.” She said - “don’t be mean, it’s not going to happen” 

Well, that's not what I was referring to. 

I meant, if she told you she met someone and will be dating that man and therefore won't be seeing you anymore would you feel hurt or sad? Or would it just be a kick to your ego?

[Guyonajourney]

21 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Well, that's not what I was referring to. 

I meant, if she told you she met someone and will be dating that man and therefore won't be seeing you anymore would you feel hurt or sad? Or would it just be a kick to your ego?

Honestly don’t know. Maybe slightly downtrodden as i see potential with us but i got over a 4 year relationship so I tend to tell myself not much could hurt more. 

[boltnrun]

11 minutes ago, Guyonajourney said:

i see potential with us

Potential for what? Didn't you say you didn't want to get involved in a relationship? 

I am confused but maybe you are too?

[MissCanuck]

So, more of the same, basically. 

We can see this more objectively than you can, and this is not going to end well. She is going to leave you hanging when she meets a guy she wants to date. Then you will kick yourself for playing surrogate-boyfriend to her all this time. 

[Jaunty]

8 hours ago, Guyonajourney said:

Honestly don’t know. Maybe slightly downtrodden as i see potential with us 

I'm confused and frankly reading this makes me uncomfortable.  It sounds like a lot of disingenuous games are being played by both of you.   You both give a lot of lip service to how you are not dating, but you act like a couple, except you spend a lot of time making sure to confirm that you're not a couple - while continuing to act like a couple.  And then talking about "potential," when you're very invested in this ... act?  

[Guyonajourney]

Another weekend spent with her.

Had dinner at my place arranged for Friday, she had been travelling all day and tried to re-arrange but I was busy. She ended up getting home dropping her stuff and driving 30mins to my place. Dinner, sex (honestly the best we’ve had to date) and stayed over. Breakfast in the morning, cuddles, wouldn’t leave😂 Had a few funny chats with her in the evening and morning,  was jokingly telling her that Shes definitely caught feelings for me and is in love but hiding it and she was laughing and giggling but denying it and saying “no thats definitely you” She also said when I made her dinner - “why do you do this for me like you’re just so amazing to me and I don’t know why, I don’t even deserve it” I said, “I like to treat women well”. 

Arranged to meet again on Sunday, actually went out and did some shopping (first time in like a month we’ve went out and done something). Watched a movie and cuddled, cooked me lunch and we didn't even have sex that day (first time ever) but we were actually just enjoying each others company and time flew. 

She said shes busy most of this week but will text me when free. Haven’t got anything for valentines day even though she made multiple jokes (or not jokes who knows) about flowers and gifts.
 

Taking it day by day. Theres no doubt I think shes an awesome girl, and I will admit that I like her and feel good around her and maybe the more I see her the more I realise I do want more but I’m just taking it slow and not putting pressures on it.
 

If it goes South, well I was warned.