Girl I’ve been dating had a freak out and has now said she wants to be FWB

[Guyonajourney]

23 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Do you both want FWB? Or dating?

It seems odd to carry on as usual but keep redefining and debating what FWB is.

What would you like to see happening? Because you seem to be spending a lot of time dancing around the issues by debating what exclusive is or dating is or FWB is and so on.

Perhaps decide what you would like to do about this. 

Since labels and definitions aren't as important as how you both feel, why not enjoy each other until it evolves or ends?

It is an odd carry on. She said no to dating then lastnight said “we could again in a little while” and said “you wouldn’t want date me again anyway”. 
 

I said to her lastnight obviously I want to date you, but how it was before. We were just dating and speaking etc nothing official. But tbh I agree, I might just explore this for a while and see what happens. 

[Guyonajourney]

34 minutes ago, Jibralta said:

Speaking from my own experience: My guess it's the opposite. She's not catching feelings and isn't going to catch feelings. She likes you as a person and as a man, but she doesn't want this to go beyond friendship. I think her making you breakfast was a gesture of appreciation and gratitude that you are down with that. She's affectionate and cuddly towards you because she's an affectionate and cuddly person. Now that she's announced up front that she has no romantic intentions toward you, she feels she can be as affectionate and flirty as she wants because you know better than to allow yourself to interpret it as more than it is. 

Maybe you’re right but then I question why she asked lastnight “If I asked you now to be my boyfriend what would you say?” 

[Batya33]

Just now, Guyonajourney said:

It is an odd carry on. She said no to dating then lastnight said “we could again in a little while” and said “you wouldn’t want date me again anyway”. 
 

I said to her lastnight obviously I want to date you, but how it was before. We were just dating and speaking etc nothing official. But tbh I agree, I might just explore this for a while and see what happens. 

What type of exploration - is this just more so you can justify delaying (and risk getting more attached to someone who doesn't want the same thing).  Sure you can passively "see what happens" and perhaps something will magically change -she might have an epiphany about you on her own - but what more is there to "explore" -she gave you all the information you requested and you didn't like the answers.

[Guyonajourney]

2 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

What type of exploration - is this just more so you can justify delaying (and risk getting more attached to someone who doesn't want the same thing).  Sure you can passively "see what happens" and perhaps something will magically change -she might have an epiphany about you on her own - but what more is there to "explore" -she gave you all the information you requested and you didn't like the answers.

I mean to be honest the sex is fantastic and we get on well. I guess there isn't much to “explore” but never know something could change and we both enjoy each other’s company. 
 

But her answers have changed to what they were the other day. She even admitted to maybe taking it a bit too far but then said “whats done is done”. I said people make mistakes and she stared at me and rolled her eyes and smirked. 

[Batya33]

11 minutes ago, Guyonajourney said:

I mean to be honest the sex is fantastic and we get on well. I guess there isn't much to “explore” but never know something could change and we both enjoy each other’s company. 
 

But her answers have changed to what they were the other day. She even admitted to maybe taking it a bit too far but then said “whats done is done”. I said people make mistakes and she stared at me and rolled her eyes and smirked. 

Yes, something could change -the sky could fall in too.  She hasn't changed at all.  I'm not sure means "no".

If the sex is fantastic certainly keep at it - and if you have fun being with her do so too- now you've stated your priorities and if those are your priorities you're an adult who can accept the downsides that come with that.  But don't read into signs - you never have to with a person who is genuinely interested in dating you with potential for a relationship.

A person who is genuinely interested would not risk you having to read signs. Why in the world would a person who is into you that way want to risk you meeting someone else because she didn't say simply "yes I want to date you" or "yes I see us getting more serious." She is not and her eye rolls and smirks don't change that.  It is very clear that she likes having intercourse with you -you don't have to read signs about that as she gets naked with you and has sex with you.  She doesn't make you decipher tea leaves and "explore" whether there will be a change - she gets sexual with you and has sex with you.  

[Guyonajourney]

4 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Yes, something could change -the sky could fall in too.  She hasn't changed at all.  I'm not sure means "no".

If the sex is fantastic certainly keep at it - and if you have fun being with her do so too- now you've stated your priorities and if those are your priorities you're an adult who can accept the downsides that come with that.  But don't read into signs - you never have to with a person who is genuinely interested in dating you with potential for a relationship.

A person who is genuinely interested would not risk you having to read signs. Why in the world would a person who is into you that way want to risk you meeting someone else because she didn't say simply "yes I want to date you" or "yes I see us getting more serious." She is not and her eye rolls and smirks don't change that.  It is very clear that she likes having intercourse with you -you don't have to read signs about that as she gets naked with you and has sex with you.  She doesn't make you decipher tea leaves and "explore" whether there will be a change - she gets sexual with you and has sex with you.  

Hahaha I did laugh at that last bit about tea leaves. 
 

you’re very correct though, shouldn’t need to read signs as with someone who really wanted to it’d be obvious. It was obvious before she changed her mind and I never had to question it or read signs. Until she actually says yes, anything else in between means no.
 

ill keep this page updated with any changes over the next little while. 

[MissCanuck]

This is still a colossal hassle when dating shouldn't be this hard, OP. 

It's only hard because she doesn't really see you as boyfriend material and you're not ready to accept that yet so you keep looking for reasons to stay in her orbit. And she likes keeping you around - for now. 

Look, when a woman is really into, it's just not this complicated. You are going to get hurt if you keep this up. 

[Batya33]

Just now, MissCanuck said:

This is still a colossal hassle when dating shouldn't be this hard, OP. 

It's only hard because she doesn't really see you as boyfriend material and you're not ready to accept that yet so you keep looking for reasons to stay in her orbit. And she likes keeping you around - for now. 

Look, when a woman is really into, it's just not this complicated. You are going to get hurt if you keep this up. 

Yes but I wrote above he's an adult -sometimes fantastic sex is worth it to some people to be hurt - also I was going to add that in the first 6 weeks -very early days- if there's a change of mind like this then move on. There should be forward movement not backwards.

[justplainme]

Just now, MissCanuck said:

 Look, when a woman is really into, it's just not this complicated. You are going to get hurt if you keep this up. 

Kind of where i am with a woman i know i am going to get hurt and i have decided after my night away in two weeks i will be laying all my cards on the table and in my head i know what the response will be. yes i am mad for still going away for the night but i also want to see her for maybe the last time 

[MissCanuck]

9 minutes ago, justplainme said:

 i have decided after my night away in two weeks i will be laying all my cards on the table 

Didn't you just do this? 

Two weeks isn't going to give you a different answer.

[MissCanuck]

10 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Yes but I wrote above he's an adult -sometimes fantastic sex is worth it to some people to be hurt

I realize that, but I wasn't responding to you. I was responding to OP. 

[justplainme]

3 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

Didn't you just do this? 

no i have not said that i am not happy to go with the flow and that i want to end whatever this is unless she wants to learn the same things, i am not asking to be in any serious relationship that does take time but i just cant be doing with the distance and change from her so i just want a last potential meet with her like everything is planned and then have the discussion in the morning or the evening i know i am mad still going but its something i need to do for me.

[Batya33]

5 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

I realize that, but I wasn't responding to you. I was responding to OP. 

I realized that too! You were commenting on a similar issue so I quoted it for reference. Hope that clears up the confusion.

[Batya33]

Just now, justplainme said:

no i have not said that i am not happy to go with the flow and that i want to end whatever this is unless she wants to learn the same things, i am not asking to be in any serious relationship that does take time but i just cant be doing with the distance and change from her so i just want a last potential meet with her like everything is planned and then have the discussion in the morning or the evening i know i am mad still going but its something i need to do for me.

Yes - you've decided not to give yourself closure so you want to do this -you don't need to.  A serious relationship takes time to develop.  A serious relationship doesn't need time to develop when only one person sees potential -then no amount of time would matter as it takes two.  Relationships are hard enough at times to develop and maintain -and basically impossible without both people being all in.

[justplainme]

1 minute ago, Batya33 said:

when only one person sees potential

thing is she has never in anyway said she does or dosent see potential, the going with the flow was mentioned because of her last long relationship where she also met from the same site she rushed into things and she got hurt she has explained to me that she does not want to do the same mistake and thats why she wants to go slow and with the flow. i would be totally fine with this but its the little things like the distancing that is what got me anxious. i am not oblivious to the truth and i know it does not look good but what if the damage that was caused in the previous relationship has put up a wall we all do it this is why i want to treat her the same way i always do be kind, romantic and make her feel a million dollars and then i will have a heart to heart with her with using the "I" statement and let her speak and listen if she does not feel the same or see anything then thats fine but i would also tell her that then this is the last time we will speak or see each other because its not fair on either of us 

Sorry for diverting from the original topic

[Guyonajourney]

4 minutes ago, justplainme said:

thing is she has never in anyway said she does or dosent see potential, the going with the flow was mentioned because of her last long relationship where she also met from the same site she rushed into things and she got hurt she has explained to me that she does not want to do the same mistake and thats why she wants to go slow and with the flow. i would be totally fine with this but its the little things like the distancing that is what got me anxious. i am not oblivious to the truth and i know it does not look good but what if the damage that was caused in the previous relationship has put up a wall we all do it this is why i want to treat her the same way i always do be kind, romantic and make her feel a million dollars and then i will have a heart to heart with her with using the "I" statement and let her speak and listen if she does not feel the same or see anything then thats fine but i would also tell her that then this is the last time we will speak or see each other because its not fair on either of us 

Sorry for diverting from the original topic

As much as I appreciate everyone is looking for advice. Could you create your own thread rather than posting on mine as it gets a bit cluttered! 

[Guyonajourney]

33 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

This is still a colossal hassle when dating shouldn't be this hard, OP. 

It's only hard because she doesn't really see you as boyfriend material and you're not ready to accept that yet so you keep looking for reasons to stay in her orbit. And she likes keeping you around - for now. 

Look, when a woman is really into, it's just not this complicated. You are going to get hurt if you keep this up. 

Very true. I have accepted what she said as I am not begging her to date me or act a certain way. Maybe I’ll decide that I no longer want this situationship before her. 
 

But agreed, she was really into me at the beginning as I didn’t need to question anything, thats how it should always be. Not this wishy washy nonsense. 
 

Although, she has been texting me more regularly today. 

[justplainme]

5 minutes ago, Guyonajourney said:

As much as I appreciate everyone is looking for advice. Could you create your own thread rather than posting on mine as it gets a bit cluttered! 

noted sorry 

[MissCanuck]

13 minutes ago, Guyonajourney said:

Very true. I have accepted what she said as I am not begging her to date me or act a certain way. Maybe I’ll decide that I no longer want this situationship before her. 

No, but you're also telling her you're okay with this change in goalposts as you continue to meet her and respond to her. 

If you're fine with it, have at it. Just don't make the mistake of being insincere with yourself in the name of hoping she changes her mind about dating you. 

[lostandhurt]

You seem pretty grounded and have your eyes wide open which is good on you.

  Sex is fantastic, it isn't limiting your ability to meet someone new and you have been very open and straight forward with her.  I think you have handled this perfectly all in all.

 FWB aren't meant to last forever anyways so enjoy the ride.

PS  I was "seeing"  this woman and she kept telling me she wasn't looking for a relationship but then 6 weeks in tells me she feels like I am holding back.  I had to remind her the no relationship comment she made several times but she seemed confused as to why I wasn't all in.  People???

Lost

[Geroge Bensen]

You have complicated your relationship with her, she likes you and what you have BUT she sounds complicated, emotional and confused in her self.
You should let her come to you and date, take things easy and slow. Don't complicate things with titles like 'FWB,' give her space and don't over pursue her but let her know you like her. Let her feel safe, comfortable and venerable around you by being a confident and assertive man.
If you're not in a relationship talk to other girls and date, don't put all your eggs in one basket until you can trust her judgement and she lets you know she is ready for a relationship.
Not that she is playing games but she needs to know if she would like to be in a relationship with you and not string things along or be wishy washy with her feelings to waste your time etc

[jul-els]

Neither one of you knows what you want. That’s fine if you’re both on the same page about it, but the two of you aren’t clear in your communication. You can only control and be responsible for yourself. Figure out what it is that you want and then stick to it. Don’t waiver back and forth. 

[Guyonajourney]

So an update as it has been nearly a month.

A day or so after the last comment (7th Jan) she called me to say she doesn’t know if this is a good idea. I agreed and said lets call it quits. She seemed pretty shocked at how easily I agreed and said “is that all you have to say?” I said, “yes, no hard feelings, all the best”

A week ago she replied to my instagram story “I miss seeing this big hunk”. I replied “I bet you do”. She followed up with a phone call and wanted to catch up so I thought okay, we had dinner at my place and of course it escalated to sex again. From then we’ve seen each other 3 times (only in our homes and not dates). She basically acts like a GF when I’m there. Has asked me to be “more lovable” and told me “you have so much control over me”. (Because of the good sex?). She says weird stuff like “I know you’re already in love with me” which I instantly shut down and say nope we’re just friends remember? We aren’t texting regularly at all either.

Recently seen her on the weekend there, lazy day. We got food (I paid and not sure if I should have?), chilled & watched movies and then had sex multiple times. She asked me to help with some DIY she couldn’t do herself. She also asked me to get her water and do this and that to which I replied “no, what did your last slave die of” she said “dont be mean”. I still didn’t do it. 

I suggested a dinner date purely to make it feel less like I was using her, she agreed and said “that would be lovely” and the day before she cancelled saying shes still “not ready” the usual bs excuse. She said  “we agreed what this was and it always reverts back to you wanting to do things and go on dates, if that’s what you want you need to find a girl who will actually appreciate it because right now thats not me”. She did open up the other night about her ex and how she basically mothered him and she’s traumatised from it. 

Its just interesting that she initially rejected me as dating potential with the most common, bs excuse of not being ready. Now we are FWB and she’s tossing out these “maybe when I’m ready..”, “you have so much control over me”, “you’re bf material”, etc like she’s trying to keep me hooked? If she wanted to be with me surely she’d be with me NOW. Enjoying how I make her feel, but she wants the freedom to explore? 

my feelings are in check anyway and I enjoy the regular sex but shes texting me with these comments and the way she acts. 

[Wiseman2]

On 1/3/2023 at 8:41 AM, Guyonajourney said:

, we’ve been casually dating for around 6 weeks, everything been going really well. Fun date nights, have stayed over at each others houses etc.

It seems like nothing has changed and you're both still ok with FWB. It's fine to hang out as friends, have sex etc, since it's clear that neither of you see the other as relationship material and FWB is the perfect space filler for that.

As long as it's working out and you both enjoy things. Of course FWB is a temporary solution so eventually things will come to a close anyway.

 

[Batya33]

Hopefully you're using great birth control since it doesn't sound like you two are actually good friends or even decent friends.  Imagine co-parenting with her.