Men, would you date someone with HPV? And women, what was your experience?

[Anonymous]

Hey everyone! Wishing you all a Happy New Year!

So as we all know HPV is the most common STI and I'm wondering how do people deal with it when it comes to dating a new partner. I've heard that some don't even tell their partners. Maybe it's a personal choice, but to me I wouldn't be able to hide it so I have to disclose it to them which is at the same time a very difficult thing to do as it might result in rejection or judgement so basically that's been keeping me away from dating atm. 

I would love to hear from men if they would be OK dating a woman with HPV? And if any women here have had such experience where they disclosed it to their partner and how it went. 

Thank you in advance!

[Batya33]

I think it's essential to disclose all STD/STI to a potential sex partner no matter if protection is used or otherwise.  Not a healthcare provider but can men get the HPV vaccine?  Also from what I understand from a friend who had it - there are different strains with some not being the cancer "causing" ones and some are.  Maybe my opinion is too practical but it's so common from what I hear that it would be really odd for someone to see that as a dealbreaker.  I mean it takes all types -I had a friend who wouldn't date men if their family had a history of diabetes. And then there are people I'm sure who won't date people who chose not to get the flu or covid vaccine.  But a common dealbreaker? I really would not think so.  

I don't think it's a "personal choice" not to reveal an STD or STI before having intercourse.  That's like saying it's a "personal choice" to go to a family gathering with your 80 year old grandmother and not tell her you tested positive for covid.  It's an obligation.

[Anonymous]

1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

I think it's essential to disclose all STD/STI to a potential sex partner no matter if protection is used or otherwise.  Not a healthcare provider but can men get the HPV vaccine?  Also from what I understand from a friend who had it - there are different strains with some not being the cancer "causing" ones and some are.  Maybe my opinion is too practical but it's so common from what I hear that it would be really odd for someone to see that as a dealbreaker.  I mean it takes all types -I had a friend who wouldn't date men if their family had a history of diabetes. And then there are people I'm sure who won't date people who chose not to get the flu or covid vaccine.  But a common dealbreaker? I really would not think so.  

I don't think it's a "personal choice" not to reveal an STD or STI before having intercourse.  That's like saying it's a "personal choice" to go to a family gathering with your 80 year old grandmother and not tell her you tested positive for covid.  It's an obligation.

It's an obligation, but not to those who don't care or maybe don't see it fair to disclose it especially that men cannot be tested and most likely have it while they don't know. It depends on the person's morals IMO. I feel like this HPV thing is very complicated and even though men know they might have it already and might even add more strains to the woman they're dating (which makes her at risk too), but still many of them will feel off and maybe choose not to go further with the relationship. I'm not sure how to view this, are they right to reject someone with HPV? Or in this case, are they considered not good men as in they maybe are not thinking serious about the woman or don't want a LTR? I also read that a lot of men don't care about HPV if they really love you or have feelings for you and want you for real. I'm just confused and scared to share this with anyone in the future.

[Batya33]

If you don't think it's an obligation to disclose an STI/STD to a potential sex partner I really am done commenting - I watched a few Twilight Zone episodes during the New Years marathon.  That's how what you wrote feels to me so I really have nothing further to contribute.  

Anyone can decline to date anyone. Anyone can decline to associate with anyone on a personal level.  I certainly did during the pandemic with people who had a far different risk assessment than I did. I have no understanding of why you think it's "right" or "wrong" not to date someone who has an STD or STI -no one has to date anyone, no one has to have sex with anyone.  And people can date and be in love and never have intercourse.  I can't relate to that analysis either.  Maybe others can.  

[dias]

I believe you should disclose it. However, I also believe if you choose to do that, you do it before having sex but not before you reach this point. It's not the best discussion to have during a date. 

[Batya33]

1 minute ago, dias said:

I believe you should disclose it. However, I also believe if you choose to do that, you do it before having sex but not before you reach this point. It's not the best discussion to have during a date. 

My personal standards are not "if it's not the best discussion/awkward don't do it" - since I never had casual sex or sex right away when we discussed STDs, STIs and our views about pregnancy/accidental pregnancy/birth control that was a couple of months in.  I never had sex with anyone unless he had been properly tested and I always agreed to test if he wanted that.  I do know of situations where the person did not know they had HPV and of course that can happen too. 

That can happen with having sex and then testing positive for Covid.  I unknowingly sent my son to camp for an hour not knowing he had covid or even an illness.  It happens. 

What you're talking about is lying by omission and risking someone's health in a completely unacceptable way because it might not be the 'best discussion".  Certainly if a person is not planning to be alone with the person on a date and/or the people discuss that sex is not going to happen yet then there's no need to disclose an STI yet.  I do think if the person has something like HIV or herpes (can it be transmitted through kissing -I actually do not know) - then likely the other person should be informed earlier on than if it is HPV.  I see shades of gray as far as the sort of STD and the risks, etc.

[dias]

17 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

What you're talking about is lying by omission 

24 minutes ago, dias said:

I believe you should disclose it. 

????  For a second I thought I forgot my English....

Not all dates end up in making out or having sex (most of them don't really) , there is no reason to disclose it if no sexual act is in the very near future. 

 

[Batya33]

55 minutes ago, dias said:

????  For a second I thought I forgot my English....

Not all dates end up in making out or having sex (most of them don't really) , there is no reason to disclose it if no sexual act is in the very near future. 

 

I think if a person has HIV they should disclose it fairly early on. HPV I agreed can wait. This person is asking about HPV and I think it needs to be disclosed before there is sexual activity. 

[Starlight925]

Not only should you disclose it, but you might be legally bound to disclose it.  

There have been legal cases where a partner gets an STD (doesn't matter what type) from a non-disclosing partner.

The question is, when?  When do you disclose it?  Obviously before sex, but on the first date?  With the first sip of coffee?  In your dating profile?  Etc.  That is all up to you.

I'll tell you two of my experiences:

1)  Dated a guy for about a month, no sex but heavy makeuout.  One day,  he sits me down on the couch  with pamphlets about HSV, as he is positive, and  he'd like to move forward with our physical relationship, but wanted me  to  have as many facts as possible.  Continued to date him, never ended up having sex, as there were other issues, but I look back on him fondly.

2)  Dated a guy for about 3 months, slept together multiple times, disclosed it one morning when he discovered active sores.  Never  spoke to him again.

   (In case  #2, I've had IGG antibodies tests multiple times and have been negative, which I did prior to moving on to other relationships).

Again, the timing is up to you.

Sounds like you're a female?  Which, while I hate to generalize, is easier than being the male in this situation.  What I've found is that males are more open to this than females.  One of my female friends has been married 20+ years to her husband; he said he didn't care at all that she was positive, and she told him very early on.  He still doesn't care, as he loves her.

[Anonymous]

2 hours ago, Batya33 said:

If you don't think it's an obligation to disclose an STI/STD to a potential sex partner I really am done commenting - I watched a few Twilight Zone episodes during the New Years marathon.  That's how what you wrote feels to me so I really have nothing further to contribute.  

Anyone can decline to date anyone. Anyone can decline to associate with anyone on a personal level.  I certainly did during the pandemic with people who had a far different risk assessment than I did. I have no understanding of why you think it's "right" or "wrong" not to date someone who has an STD or STI -no one has to date anyone, no one has to have sex with anyone.  And people can date and be in love and never have intercourse.  I can't relate to that analysis either.  Maybe others can.  

I don’t know where I said I don’t think it’s an obligation? You are attacking without reading and understanding what I said. Please read my post again. I said it’s an obligation, but not everyone has the morals to see it as an obligation. In my original post, I said I cannot hide and have to disclose it, but not ready to share this now as I’m newly diagnosed and still stressing over it so I’m not dating, but if I by chance like someone and decide to date them, I will wait until the moment of intimacy comes because not everyone deserves to know from the first date, maybe we don’t even click so why share such a private thing.

[Anonymous]

27 minutes ago, Starlight925 said:

Not only should you disclose it, but you might be legally bound to disclose it.  

There have been legal cases where a partner gets an STD (doesn't matter what type) from a non-disclosing partner.

The question is, when?  When do you disclose it?  Obviously before sex, but on the first date?  With the first sip of coffee?  In your dating profile?  Etc.  That is all up to you.

I'll tell you two of my experiences:

1)  Dated a guy for about a month, no sex but heavy makeuout.  One day,  he sits me down on the couch  with pamphlets about HSV, as he is positive, and  he'd like to move forward with our physical relationship, but wanted me  to  have as many facts as possible.  Continued to date him, never ended up having sex, as there were other issues, but I look back on him fondly.

2)  Dated a guy for about 3 months, slept together multiple times, disclosed it one morning when he discovered active sores.  Never  spoke to him again.

   (In case  #2, I've had IGG antibodies tests multiple times and have been negative, which I did prior to moving on to other relationships).

Again, the timing is up to you.

Sounds like you're a female?  Which, while I hate to generalize, is easier than being the male in this situation.  What I've found is that males are more open to this than females.  One of my female friends has been married 20+ years to her husband; he said he didn't care at all that she was positive, and she told him very early on.  He still doesn't care, as he loves her.

In case 2 you didn’t know you had it? You did the test after you discovered that he has sores and that you might be positive? Correct me if I misunderstood.

I’m a female. I’m so scared to share this with someone I like it would kill me if he rejects me. You really think it’s easier for men to be understanding when it comes to STD/STI’s? But the problem is males don’t know and can’t know if they have HPV unless HSV. Also HPV can cause cancer, but HSV doesn’t so it’s a lot easier to be open about HSV than HPV. 

[Starlight925]

3 minutes ago, Guest Anonymous said:

In case 2 you didn’t know you had it? You did the test after you discovered that he has sores and that you might be positive? Correct me if I misunderstood.

I’m a female. I’m so scared to share this with someone I like it would kill me if he rejects me. You really think it’s easier for men to be understanding when it comes to STD/STI’s? But the problem is males don’t know and can’t know if they have HPV unless HSV. Also HPV can cause cancer, but HSV doesn’t so it’s a lot easier to be open about HSV than HPV. 

Sorry if that sounded confusing!

In Case 2, he had herpes, I didn't.

He didn't disclose it to me until about 3 months in, after sleeping together multiple times.  We had sex one morning, and he left to go work out.  Called me and told me that while he was in the hot tub, he noticed active sores, and decided to tell me then, for the first time, that, oh, by the way, I have herpes.  Hung up on him, never spoke to him again.

I did multiple tests afterwards, before entering into other relationships, and I'm negative.

And yes, I do think men are more forgiving.  The friend I mentioned who has HPV, met a really great guy (20+ years ago).  She decided to tell him early on, because she figured, if he leaves, so be it.  He stayed, they had 2 kids, and life goes on.  He literally said he could care less (or couldn't care less, I never know, lol).  

They are on vacation as a family as we speak.

 

[Starlight925]

Also, to add, if it were me:

I'd wait until about date 3 to disclose.  Not a hard rule, just a guideline.  If we click, and we haven't slept together, but it feels like we are getting close, it's time to disclose.

Not immediately before intimacy.  Not when things are imminent.  But sometime before it reaches that level.

Golden rule applies here.

[Anonymous]

42 minutes ago, Starlight925 said:

Sorry if that sounded confusing!

In Case 2, he had herpes, I didn't.

He didn't disclose it to me until about 3 months in, after sleeping together multiple times.  We had sex one morning, and he left to go work out.  Called me and told me that while he was in the hot tub, he noticed active sores, and decided to tell me then, for the first time, that, oh, by the way, I have herpes.  Hung up on him, never spoke to him again.

I did multiple tests afterwards, before entering into other relationships, and I'm negative.

And yes, I do think men are more forgiving.  The friend I mentioned who has HPV, met a really great guy (20+ years ago).  She decided to tell him early on, because she figured, if he leaves, so be it.  He stayed, they had 2 kids, and life goes on.  He literally said he could care less (or couldn't care less, I never know, lol).  

They are on vacation as a family as we speak.

 

Oh okay got it. Seems like he was not a good guy. I’m glad you tested negative though.

42 minutes ago, Starlight925 said:

Also, to add, if it were me:

I'd wait until about date 3 to disclose.  Not a hard rule, just a guideline.  If we click, and we haven't slept together, but it feels like we are getting close, it's time to disclose.

Not immediately before intimacy.  Not when things are imminent.  But sometime before it reaches that level.

Golden rule applies here.

I agree. I believe I will naturally know when it’s the right time to share based on the man I’m with too. I hope I meet a good guy who understands the situation because even me I’ll be at risk of getting new strains from him as they don’t test men so they don’t know if they are positive so it’s annoying honestly, but it is what it is.

[Batya33]

I read what you wrote to mean it depends on the person as to whether to disclose and I read what you wrote to mean that someone shouldn't have the "right" to decline to date someone or somehow it isn't "right" to decline.  I didn't attack you -I simply couldn't relate as someone else wrote it may even be a legal obligation. 

Someone can be an extremely good person and choose not to date someone with an STI or STD.  People have preferences when it comes to dating especially if it can get serious and especially if there are health risks.  Some people are more risk averse than others. 

I'm sure many men declined to date me when I was in my mid 30s because of the risk I couldn't get pregnant or we'd have to try sooner than they wished to.  They didn't want to understand the situation that I had this "disability" and there were risks but that many women get pregnant in their 30s. I never thought to try to convince them.  It was what it was. I get that this is frustrating for you and I am sorry.

[tattoobunnie]

It can also remain dormant for years and years, and other go asymptomatic.  Also, it's not something you can test for with men; so they may have no idea they are carriers.  Most people do not get the kind that can cause cancer.  Some get herpes.   I had the kind that could cause cancer for a few years, and had to get a leep for abnormal cells that were considered precancerous.  Surprisingly, my body fought it off, and I no longer have it, and has been this way for 15ish years now.  I wanna say it's the vitamins I took, but really, many cases of HPV clear on their own.

Been married for 11+ years and had two kids with zero issues.  Don't be afraid to date, and use condoms.   I would let them know people you get down with it; but I guarantee that won't be a reason to throw the baby out with the bath water.

[Anonymous]

40 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I read what you wrote to mean it depends on the person as to whether to disclose and I read what you wrote to mean that someone shouldn't have the "right" to decline to date someone or somehow it isn't "right" to decline.  I didn't attack you -I simply couldn't relate as someone else wrote it may even be a legal obligation. 

Someone can be an extremely good person and choose not to date someone with an STI or STD.  People have preferences when it comes to dating especially if it can get serious and especially if there are health risks.  Some people are more risk averse than others. 

I'm sure many men declined to date me when I was in my mid 30s because of the risk I couldn't get pregnant or we'd have to try sooner than they wished to.  They didn't want to understand the situation that I had this "disability" and there were risks but that many women get pregnant in their 30s. I never thought to try to convince them.  It was what it was. I get that this is frustrating for you and I am sorry.

It depends on what kind of person is the person who has the STD, yes. Not everyone has the morals and some don’t care about health or other people’s health and just want sex, that’s what I’m stating. It doesn’t mean I’m justifying them just saying what happens based on a lot of stories I read and heard. I also never do casual sex, but I was unfortunate enough to get it from my long term ex. He was my first and been together for years, but now I’m suffering because of it. I even knew by chance while just doing a checkup, it was a shock to me and got my first panic attack that day. 
Also I never said they have no right to reject, I’m just wondering here and want to hear opinions, that’s all. I know very well I wouldn’t reject someone I truly want and who has been honest to share this difficult situation with me just for that because I want a lasting relationship, but that’s just me. Everyone is different and I will respect that no matter how much it hurts.

[Anonymous]

26 minutes ago, tattoobunnie said:

It can also remain dormant for years and years, and other go asymptomatic.  Also, it's not something you can test for with men; so they may have no idea they are carriers.  Most people do not get the kind that can cause cancer.  Some get herpes.   I had the kind that could cause cancer for a few years, and had to get a leep for abnormal cells that were considered precancerous.  Surprisingly, my body fought it off, and I no longer have it, and has been this way for 15ish years now.  I wanna say it's the vitamins I took, but really, many cases of HPV clear on their own.

Been married for 11+ years and had two kids with zero issues.  Don't be afraid to date, and use condoms.   I would let them know people you get down with it; but I guarantee that won't be a reason to throw the baby out with the bath water.

Unfortunately I have the the most common high risk for cancer which is HPV 16 that’s why I’m devastated. I just wish I clear it before I ever get into a new relationship. I want to be healthy for myself first and not just to date. I’m taking vitamins and supplements and took 2 shots of the vaccine, but you never know when I will clear it or make it go dormant. I don’t have herpes though. Let me know if you know any specific vitamins or anything you took that you think helped you. I hope I meet someone understanding some day if I don’t manage to clear it. Thank you for sharing and the encouragement.

[Batya33]

32 minutes ago, Guest Anonymous said:

Unfortunately I have the the most common high risk for cancer which is HPV 16 that’s why I’m devastated. I just wish I clear it before I ever get into a new relationship. I want to be healthy for myself first and not just to date. I’m taking vitamins and supplements and took 2 shots of the vaccine, but you never know when I will clear it or make it go dormant. I don’t have herpes though. Let me know if you know any specific vitamins or anything you took that you think helped you. I hope I meet someone understanding some day if I don’t manage to clear it. Thank you for sharing and the encouragement.

I sure hope it clears and I am sorry you have this condition and how awkward it is to discuss with someone you might not yet be so close to.  I wish you all the best and the best of good and improved health!

[boltnrun]

My friend has herpes (has had it for over 30 years) and she was nervous about telling a new guy she was dating. Well, she bit the bullet and told him and he said "oh really, me too."

So you never know. BTW, she ended up marrying a man who didn't have it but accepted that she did and also accepted that he'd probably get it too. He wasn't concerned.

[Batya33]

37 minutes ago, Guest Anonymous said:

I also never do casual sex, but I was unfortunate enough to get it from my long term ex. He was my first and been together for years, but now I’m suffering because of it. I even knew by chance while just doing a checkup, it was a shock to me and got my first panic attack that day. 
Also I never said they have no right to reject, I’m just wondering here and want to hear opinions, that’s all. I know very well I wouldn’t reject someone I truly want and who has been honest to share this difficult situation with me just for that because I want a lasting relationship, but that’s just me. Everyone is different and I will respect that no matter how much it hurts.

Yes now I completely understand. Of course there are immoral and unethical people out there!  I never "rejected" someone who had things that would be dealbreakers for me for the long term -I simply declined to date them because I was looking for marriage.  I didn't reject them as people.  I stopped dating a recovering addict, I said no to a man who had a disfiguring disability, I didn't date men who smoked cigarettes even if they were addicted (I know that it is hard to quit).  I know of women who won't date men who are allergic to cats or dogs and do not/cannot take medication so they could live with those pets and I know of people who are vegan/vegetarian and won't date meat eaters.  These people also want lasting relationships and these people have standards where what I mentioned wouldn't meet those standards.  T

he recovering addict I dated 4 times was a very good person and sober for a year. I mean I guess I wasn't "that" into him also but the dealbreaker was he knew he could relapse and was honest with me about that -I didn't want to take that risk. 

You choosing to continue with someone with an STI doesn't say anything about whether you are a better person or a more commitment minded person.  Different people have different standards.  Two of my friends got involved with men I declined to date because they lied about their ages on dating profiles.  One dated one of the men for 7 years until she discovered his porn addiction.  The other married the guy almost 20 years ago.  I wanted a lasting relationship and to me his lying about his age was a dealbreaker so I declined a first meet.  To my friend it was not a dealbreaker. 

Please don't think badly about a person who declines to date a person with HPV or tell yourself well "that's just me -this person obviously is narrow minded/doesn't really want a great person/is ignorant of what HPV means" - no use getting bitter or jaded right?

[Starlight925]

You asked for men's opinions.

I'm not a man, but I'll tell you what happened with the guy in Case #1 for me, above.  This is the guy who shared with me his herpes diagnosis, with pamphlets & info, prior to us moving forward.

In his case, he got it from his ex-wife, who had it before they met.  She told him before they ever had sex, and he went ahead with the relationship and subsequent marriage, because he loved her and figured they'd be together forever.  He never had an issue with it, as she was honest.  BTW, they had a great ex-relationship while we dated, as they shared kids.

My point is, as a guy, he not only looked past it, but he appreciated her openness about it, and he moved the relationship forward.

You're doing the right thing here, asking the questions, gaining insight.

[Batya33]

5 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

My friend has herpes (has had it for over 30 years) and she was nervous about telling a new guy she was dating. Well, she bit the bullet and told him and he said "oh really, me too."

So you never know. BTW, she ended up marrying a man who didn't have it but accepted that she did and also accepted that he'd probably get it too. He wasn't concerned.

I know of a similar situation and they've been married 10 years and almost 3 kids.  He did not have an STD and in fact he was a virgin when she told him -but they were serious from the start and marriage minded - so she told him early on despite knowing they'd wait for marriage.  He accepted it -no issue -he loved her, the end.

[reinventmyself]

2 hours ago, boltnrun said:

My friend has herpes (has had it for over 30 years) and she was nervous about telling a new guy she was dating. Well, she bit the bullet and told him and he said "oh really, me too."

So you never know. BTW, she ended up marrying a man who didn't have it but accepted that she did and also accepted that he'd probably get it too. He wasn't concerned.

A good friend of mine has herpes.   She dated a guy several times before disclosing it.   He loves her dearly; they practice safe sex, and the rest is history.

I personally wouldn't tell someone on or before the first date.  When one considers how many first dates you may go on before you actually meet someone you might have potential with.  Of course, you absolutely have the responsibility of disclosure before becoming intimate.  But you also have the right choose suitable partners and should not set yourself to be eliminated by those who you would never have gotten involved with romantically in the first place.

I am sorry you are in this situation.  People move on to have happy healthy relationships with STDs all the time.  I believe there is a dating website for those who have STDS.  Good luck and head high.

[Batya33]

An anecdote to share.  Many years ago I had an accident at camp - I was hit by a baseball in the mouth and I needed stitches.  I then developed a miniscule "pimple" on my upper lip in the vicinity of the injury. 

28 years later I was dating a man for about a month.  We had kissed, fooled around -no sex nothing sexual.  One day we were sitting at a park watching a concert and he's staring at my lip and he asks me what the miniscule mark is.  First time anyone ever asked me about it.  I was confused. I told him about my accident.  He seemed to be ok with that explanation but somehow I figured out he thought it was like one of those cold blisters (which yes is a herpes variety -I think - and yes I'd had them a couple of times in my lifetime). 

I honestly was put off because he was "suspicious" that I wasn't being honest in some way.  Many years after that a dermatologist told me that it likely was some sort of cold blister or something that hadn't healed.  I mean -I have no clue -I do not have herpes.  I always assumed it was accident-related like a left over scar but it is SO miniscule that I was shocked this man would mention it.

  It was a turn off to be honest.  The way he asked.  How he stared.  This actually was symptomatic of his general suspicious guilty till proven innocent mindset about "women" so we didn't date much longer after that. We never had sex or were sexual.

Point is it's also how you share and context because -as some others have mentioned it goes both ways-if you share -he should, too.  You're entitled.

Good luck to you - you are a thoughtful and caring person and I hope you find the same.