Wife Hates My Mother

[Andrina]

Discussion topics that might help:

Just as divorced parents shouldn't badmouth each other to their child, because the child loves each parent and that causes hurt, a spouse shouldn't badmouth their spouse's parent.

Discussing boundaries in a constructive way is different than badmouthing and making faces at a spouse or grumbling whenever a text or phone call with the parent happens. Ask if the tables were turned and you gave your wife the stink eye every time she interacted with her parents, how that would make her feel.

And yes, don't make the goal about everyone liking each other. The rule should be that everyone is pleasant in each other's company. When someone crosses that boundary, the visit or phone call is cut short. And you as the son and spouse need to speak up and let your spouse or mother know they've said something hurtful and that's not happening on your watch.

Also, know that children are sponges and absorb EVERYTHING. They feel the vibe in all these interactions. They see and hear what's going on. Do not let him live in a toxic environment because the adults around him won't do the work to act like the caring adults they should be.

If indeed you've made improvements, tell your wife you'd like positive reinforcement instead of continuing to treat you like a naughty boy who needs to stay in the corner.  What incentive is there to improve further when she continues to punish you?

I'd really suggest going to marriage counseling so an impartial skilled professional can perhaps get through to your wife whereas you haven't. 

Good luck!

[Tony_Soprano]

Thank you all once again for your valuable input.

Things are looking better with me being more upfront and honest and her being supportive of my therapy. I have another session this afternoon which may set the tone for a weekend 'talk' about the imbalance between my parents' relationship and hers. I hope to explore resentment with my counsellor today because I could feel it brewing inside me if this continues for months or years.

If this continues trending in the wrong direction I will remind her she suggested marriage counselling and give that a go but for now, I am okay working on myself one-on-one. 

 

 

[moodindigo91]

1 minute ago, Tony_Soprano said:

Thank you all once again for your valuable input.

Things are looking better with me being more upfront and honest and he being supportive of my therapy. I have another session this afternoon which may set the tone for a weekend 'talk' about the imbalance between my parents' relationship and hers. I hope to explore resentment with my counsellor today because I could feel it brewing inside me if this continues for months or years.

If this continues trending in the wrong direction I will remind her she suggested marriage counselling and give that a go but for now, I am okay working on myself one-on-one. 

 

 

Good luck! Keep us posted! 

[Wonderstruck]

4 hours ago, Andrina said:

And you as the son and spouse need to speak up and let your spouse or mother know they've said something hurtful and that's not happening on your watch.

This is the part that I feel not enough people are addressing.

Do you actually stand up for your wife when your mother says or does something rude, or do you passively sit back and make excuses for your mom's behaviour, and act like your wife should just "get over it"?

That's EXACTLY how resentment is fostered: when one person expects the other person to just sit quietly and choke back the disrespect.

Honestly, your mom doesn't sound like that nice of a person, and I think that you're downplaying how often you were actually in contact with her, and how often she was disrespectful to either your wife or to other people.

Your wife's bitter resentment towards your Mom didn't just come out of nowhere.

[boltnrun]

My brother's first wife despised our mother based on a comment our mother made while they were dating. My brother's first wife (girlfriend at the time) had a child from a previous relationship and our mother told my brother that a relationship with someone who has a child is difficult and that she knew from personal experience (my father had a child from his first marriage when he met my mother). My brother's wife took that to mean she wanted my brother to dump her for a woman who didn't have kids, and that our mother "didn't accept" her child. It all went downhill from there because for some reason my brother chose to share what our mother said with her. It was an awful few years.

We finally got together and talked it all out. My brother's wife resisted at first, but it did us all a world of good. We were able to salvage the family relationships and spend time together.

So yes, talking it out works. So does professional help.

[bluecastle]

4 hours ago, Tony_Soprano said:

I hope to explore resentment with my counsellor today because I could feel it brewing inside me if this continues for months or years.

Great attitude. 

For whatever it's worth, I like to think of resentment as more self-induced than other-induced, since this angle gives you path out of it as opposed to furthering it by (a) sporting the unflattering cloak of victimhood or (b) quietly wielding the sword of blame. Which is to say: resentment often stems from our own actions—or inactions—more than it does another's. And fortunately our actions are the ones—the only ones—we have the capacity to alter. 

Applied to this scenario: My sense is that you and your wife did not quite sit down, discuss this issue calmly and thoroughly, the root of the feelings on both ends, and come up with an agreed-upon plan for addressing it in a way that you both found reasonable. Rather, it seems that she was annoyed, you were annoyed that she was annoyed, you craved harmony above all else, and so you swung the pendulum of insta-appeasement pretty hard: decreasing contact with your mom, making mom a "no fly zone," jumping into therapy, all that.

Maybe the private, semi-conscious math went something like: if you do all that (even if it felt unreasonable/inauthentic), then she will no longer be annoyed and harmony will be restored. As that equation has proved false, resentment has kicked in—at your wife's attitude, sure, but maybe more at yourself for making choices that did not represent your authentic self and still not being rewarded. 

This is why I asked you, earlier, what you want, how you believe your relationship with your mother needs to be tweaked, so you are making choices fueled by your own truth rather than simply to make this uncomfortable moment somehow vanish. This seems like a good thing to discuss in therapy, so it's clear in your mind with clear language that can be shared with your wife. Then you two can work together, as both individuals and as a team, sharing what you both want, figuring out where there are reasonable compromises, and not having this hanging over your head, marriage, and new family. 

Mind you, I'm not saying all this for you to shift the blame here from her to you. I don't think this is about blame so much as expectations replacing communication. If resentment can be described as a germ that blooms when expectations aren't meant, communication is what seals up the chamber so the germs stay out.  

 

[Tony_Soprano]

Wonderstruck — I love the point of view from my wife's perspective, I really do. Come to think of it, I never defended my wife to my mom only tried to preemptively prevent her from blurting out something insensitive by maintaining 'social distance' between them. I think my wife senses that and wishes I was firmer in certain instances instead of lauding her, then saying something negative, then praising her again. It's semi-firm. Even when she's rude to my dad I just allow it then comment later to my wife in private. Thanks for bringing this to my attention.

boltnrun — I just had a therapy session then immediately my wife came home for lunch and I laid it all out. It helped that I was in tears so I couldn't hide how the session went but my wife was very supportive, yet firm, with me. Somehow manliness and machismo came up and the session focused on nostalgia for boyhood freedoms in contrast to adult responsibilities of being a dad and husband. She gave me examples of how I'm great at both, not just lip service, but concrete examples followed by examples of people we know who are NOT being good dads and/or husbands. I felt lighter immediately. My mom didn't come up much in therapy or with my wife post-therapy but I feel heard and much better just an hour after the session.

bluecastle — Oh man that was scary accurate! It was so accurate I never even realized that was the process in place. "Oh, if I do this then the annoyance will disappear" but it's simply untrue. We need to talk about where her line is for communication and "when this happens it makes me feel..." type of stuff.

[Mammalyssa]

I think your wife is over reacting due to the fact that you are addressing and trying to improve the boundaries with your mother, which is what your wife requested. This is to be applauded, well done on having the ability to self reflect!

In terms of being afraid to bring it up... that's a bit of a worry. But it can be done in a positive manner. How about.. 

 

Hey babe I am really conscious of your feelings toward my mother so I've been trying to work on the boundaries like you asked me to. I'd love to chat about this so that we are both on the same page and so that you know you are my priority. 

Then ask her what are her expectations in terms of frequency of contact. And when that conversation is going well acknowledge to her that you can see your mother has been rude and difficult to her in the past, and that you hope that if you and your wife have a strong enough bond together, that she will feel more supported when you do have to spend time with your parents. 

 

I have to say when I was married, my MIL did not like me just because I was with her son. He was the baby boy and a mammas boy. Her and her 2 daughters were awful to me. My husband never stood up for me or defended me when she was nasty to me, which I would expect as his wife. If he hadve just been on side with me I would have felt so much better. Instead I felt alone and isolated when we had to see them. I would have liked him to ask me at the end of the day if I was okay and for feedback on how he handled certain situations. Previous trauma for your wife definately affects how she is reacting today. I think if you gave her the acknowledgement she needs about it all she'd feel so much better. I bet a million times over that your wife wants you to step in and correct your mother when she is mean to your father. I bet she would LOVE to see that you support the rest of the family in that way... 

[Mammalyssa]

So sorry I overlooked that there were 3 pages of replies. I only read the first page before replying so have repeated what others have said. Sounds like you're on the right track. Well done! X

[Tony_Soprano]

On 11/8/2022 at 9:45 PM, Distressedmamma said:

Hey babe I am really conscious of your feelings toward my mother so I've been trying to work on the boundaries like you asked me to. I'd love to chat about this so that we are both on the same page and so that you know you are my priority. 

Then ask her what are her expectations in terms of frequency of contact. And when that conversation is going well acknowledge to her that you can see your mother has been rude and difficult to her in the past, and that you hope that if you and your wife have a strong enough bond together, that she will feel more supported when you do have to spend time with your parents. 

I really do like this approach and will definitely bring it up at our next talk. It's been a good two weeks since my posts, including an incredible breakthrough with therapist and subsequent talk with my wife a week ago. I still feel a bit it being left unsaid and will address it after my next therapy session on the 15th.

I appreciate your input, especially on the defending wife over mother even when she's rude to her husband/my dad.