I thought he would be over me?

[Tiffany778]

34 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

My sense is she wants to hear that he remains enamored of her, is pining away for her -will continue to do so no matter how many times she declines to hang out with him or goes on a date. 

She wants to hear that it is sooooo unusual for a person to stay in contact with another person they are attracted to but who "rejected" them so that she is a rare exception - a true gem and hot to boot - so that even a man who she spurns and turns away countless times cannot help himself but continue to text apparently in the hopes she will at least deign maybe someday to grace his presence at one of his hangouts.  

I am not sure why she would need that sort of accolade, attention, validation - but that's my sense here.  IMHO.  

thats why I didn’t want to come on here. I knew everyone was going to think I’m cocky and that I love attention. I was just confused ? In this case most men would have been left me alone and never spoke to me again. So I was confused on the whole thing.

I did want to go out with him, I felt like I deserved a proper notice. Not hours in advanced. In which I told him I don’t do last minute things. I was also confused on where he wanted this to go. Like I said previously he would talk to me like a friend no flirting no compliments just surface level friend talk. Yes I know you have to meet in person to see where things go and if you want to purse something romantically. Yet men who see women as a romantic interest isn’t going to call her “Bro”, “dude”, “Yo”. I’ve never experienced that from men who like me, I’ve dated a lot of guys. There were times that he got upset that I wouldn’t reach out first. 
 

again this is months ago when he asked me to hang. Now he texts me occasionally and flirts, tells jokes. I did like him but I was thrown off by a lot of things. There’s so many things I left out but there’s no point in explaining. It’s a dead end tbh I was just confused that’s all.

[Batya33]

14 minutes ago, Tiffany778 said:

I was just confused ? In this case most men would have been left me alone and never spoke to me again. So I was confused on the whole thing.

I did want to go out with him, I felt like I deserved a proper notice. Not hours in advanced. In which I told him I don’t do last minute things. I was also confused on where he wanted this to go. Like I said previously he would talk to me like a friend no flirting no compliments just surface level friend talk. Yes I know you have to meet in person to see where things go and if you want to purse something romantically. Yet men who see women as a romantic interest isn’t going to call her “Bro”, “dude”, “Yo”. I’ve never experienced that from men who like me, I’ve dated a lot of guys. There were times that he got upset that I wouldn’t reach out first. 
 

again this is months ago when he asked me to hang. Now he texts me occasionally and flirts, tells jokes. I did like him but I was thrown off by a lot of things. There’s so many things I left out but there’s no point in explaining. It’s a dead end tbh I was just confused that’s all.

So -if you think so little of him - that he lacks manners to plan a proper date, that he refers to you in slang terms yet thought you would meet up with him -why do you want to be in contact with him?

I answered you many times - the men who continue to pursue a lady do not just text - they know full well that a special lady isn't going to respond differently just from typed messages - they also don't want to "stalk" so if they really do want to persist in getting a special lady's attention they will do things to show her how special she is. 

For example maybe they'll call her local coffee shop and ask them to tell her her latte is paid for, maybe they'll make a donation to her favorite charity and have a card mailed to her, call her with tickets to the theater, etc.  They won't just text her because that's something many people do when they're bored.  Since you respond and it's probably obvious to him you're interested it's good for his ego and something to do when he's bored. While he properly pursues the women he regards as special/potentially special.

Also why ask why -you are not a huge fan of his so instead of being all in your head about why this particular man might be an outlier (I don't think he is, I think he's bored) - why not go out in the big world and meet new people, try new activities, do small kindnesses for people.  

One of my long-ago ex boyfriends emailed me a handful of times over the last several years as we are on linkedin together.  I got the sense that maybe if I responded in a friendly way he would respond in an inappropriately friendly way. I also didn't see the need to block him. 

He was married. His wife had breast cancer.  Two daughters.  So my responses to him -maybe we emailed back and forth 5 or 6 times on three occasions over three years - all referenced his wife and/or kids.  And/or my husband and/or son.  I inquired about her health.  About his work.  Her work. Shared a cute story about my son or a family vacation.  Very impersonal in that sense. 

He then stopped emailing after 5 or 6 times and then stopped emailing a few years ago because he saw from my responses that I wasn't crossing any lines whatsoever.  Truth is I hope his wife is ok but I don't want to initiate a linkedin email because I don't want to give a wrong impression.  So you do that - stop responding or only respond in a very impersonal/plain vanilla way. He'll get the hint that you're no longer hot for him.  

[Tiffany778]

6 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

So -if you think so little of him - that he lacks manners to plan a proper date, that he refers to you in slang terms yet thought you would meet up with him -why do you want to be in contact with him?

I answered you many times - the men who continue to pursue a lady do not just text - they know full well that a special lady isn't going to respond differently just from typed messages - they also don't want to "stalk" so if they really do want to persist in getting a special lady's attention they will do things to show her how special she is. 

For example maybe they'll call her local coffee shop and ask them to tell her her latte is paid for, maybe they'll make a donation to her favorite charity and have a card mailed to her, call her with tickets to the theater, etc.  They won't just text her because that's something many people do when they're bored.  Since you respond and it's probably obvious to him you're interested it's good for his ego and something to do when he's bored. While he properly pursues the women he regards as special/potentially special.

Also why ask why -you are not a huge fan of his so instead of being all in your head about why this particular man might be an outlier (I don't think he is, I think he's bored) - why not go out in the big world and meet new people, try new activities, do small kindnesses for people.  

One of my long-ago ex boyfriends emailed me a handful of times over the last several years as we are on linkedin together.  I got the sense that maybe if I responded in a friendly way he would respond in an inappropriately friendly way. I also didn't see the need to block him. 

He was married. His wife had breast cancer.  Two daughters.  So my responses to him -maybe we emailed back and forth 5 or 6 times on three occasions over three years - all referenced his wife and/or kids.  And/or my husband and/or son.  I inquired about her health.  About his work.  Her work. Shared a cute story about my son or a family vacation.  Very impersonal in that sense. 

He then stopped emailing after 5 or 6 times and then stopped emailing a few years ago because he saw from my responses that I wasn't crossing any lines whatsoever.  Truth is I hope his wife is ok but I don't want to initiate a linkedin email because I don't want to give a wrong impression.  So you do that - stop responding or only respond in a very impersonal/plain vanilla way. He'll get the hint that you're no longer hot for him.  

I’m in my 20s college age men don’t do stuff like that! All men are generation do is text! That’s the way we all communicate. Men are age are very low effort. I don’t know if you have kids or know some people that are college age but most of the girls I know meet there men on social media, everyone is also into hook up culture and car dates. Yes some men who call a girls local coffee shop to see bring her coffee do exist but that’s for men who have been knowing a girl for awhile. Not someone you haven’t met yet, at least in my generation. He probably is bored and that’s okay. As far as broad answers I do give him that! He congratulated me on something I said “ “Thank you” he turned that into two a whole weeks conversation. 

[moodindigo91]

40 minutes ago, Tiffany778 said:

I was just confused ?

Well honestly, your post was unclear and all over the place which made and still makes it difficult to determine what you're so confused about? Tbh it sounds like he just wants to be friends, possibly to hookup, but not really take you on a proper date. Your confusion as to how a "Thank you" or similar text turned into weeks of conversation back and forth texting - that's because you kept texting him back and forth. I mean there's nothing really confusing there. If you know that men your age prefer to text, then how are you confused when that is what they do? I guess I'm confused as to why you're confused. 

[Batya33]

LOL - so I am 56.  My nieces are in their 20s and 30s -two are married one is single.  The married one is 26 with 3 young kids.  Her husband is 27.  He courted her and asked her on dates and was the exact opposite of low effort. He planned dates, he went all out -I don't mean focused on things and $ - I mean in taking care of her, in being her friend, her confidante, her family.  While they were dating. 

I have two friends who have 6 kids between them in their 20s.  They are all married and/or serious LTR.  I met a few of the SOs.  There are two men in this group in their 20s.  One is in his late 20s and has been with his wife/SO (not sure when they're marrying) for several years -I saw them together, I see how much effort he puts in. My other friend's son is in his 20s as is his serious girlfriend - he made sure to make her part of his family as she has no family here or in the U.S. 

My friend has them over and her son treats her wonderfully.  Lots of "effort".  Her other son is engaged to a woman -they are in their 20s.  Same thing.  

It really hasn't changed because people who want other people to feel special and cared for act in ways to show that whatever their age.  When I was dating in my 20s there were women who "ruined" it for me -meaning I met men also who just wanted o hang out and hook up and had grown accustomed to women who either wanted that too OR settled for it. 

I refused to settle for being treated that way (yes I had a few harmless flings -no casual sex - but those were short lived including on vacations).  I simply declined to be someone's chat buddy (whether by landline, AOL messenger, email, etc) - and showed by my actions - my reactions, my body language, how I carried myself that if a man wanted to spend time with me to see if we should have a relationship he needed to step up to the plate, ask me out and plan dates in advance whether expensive or free, and I responded with enthusiasm, with interest in his life, his daily life, his interests and goals and I responded by asking him out once we were more of a steady thing. 

Somehow -like magic -those men who were used to hanging out and hooking up with low effort - stepped up to the plate.  With respect and with enthusiasm.  I didn't train them I didn't lecture I simply showed with my actions I wasn't going to play at hanging out/hooking up/chat buddy.

If he called me after Wednesday for a prime date night like Saturday - I was busy -because my time with my friends or myself was more valuable than being treated like an afterthought.  Very few men stopped calling me because I politely declined, said I was busy and once in awhile said 'but I am free next weekend."  If he spoke in sexual ways too early on -I moved on.  Buh bye.

I had several platonic male friends.  I never really wanted for dates or relationships and I was no beauty.  I never had casual sex.  I never felt used, or jaded or cynical other than for very short periods of time. I stopped dating in 2005.  In 2005 my future husband planned a date for us two weeks in advance.  To make sure I was free.  Effort.  Because he knew we likely were going to be serious.  He was right.    

I know I hear all the time about men in their 20s today.  And texting makes it easier to be really casual about planning.  I know for sure that a man who is looking for a special person or meets a person he considers special wouldn't dream of putting in low effort.  I don't care if he was born in 2000 or 1966.  I don't buy it.  You shouldn't either.  

[Jaunty]

9 hours ago, Tiffany778 said:

He obviously hasn’t moved on lol 

I'm sure he has.  He's just texting you when he's bored or on the toilet for a while.  I'm sure you're not the only one on the receiving end of these communications.  You probably ARE the only one who's started two whole threads about them though.  You must be extra desperate for something to happen in your life.

[OdliDPrincess]

13 hours ago, Kwothe28 said:

Found a meme corresponding OPs situation. You know? Because she wont call him on date but she turned him off when he called her. 😁

Sadly, this is how it really is 

[MissCanuck]

OP, have you not got any other guy you are interested in?

Anyone else who is interested in you? Because most women in your position would have stopped replying to this guy a long time ago. 

It's time to pursue other options, or learn how to interact with guys more effectively. You're making a lot of mistakes here. 

[catfeeder]

On 10/18/2022 at 3:11 AM, Tiffany778 said:

Why doesn’t he ask me again since he’s the one that continues to have contact with me. Even when I try to end the conversation he keeps it going? So if he wants to do that much talking why not ask me out again?

Why don’t you just ask him to meet somewhere and talk with him more in person. Go for ice cream, go for a walk, go to lunch.

When you turn someone down repeatedly without making any attempts to reschedule, the ball is in your court.

Stop wondering, and hit the ball.

[Tiffany778]

49 minutes ago, catfeeder said:

Why don’t you just ask him to meet somewhere and talk with him more in person. Go for ice cream, go for a walk, go to lunch.

When you turn someone down repeatedly without making any attempts to reschedule, the ball is in your court.

Stop wondering, and hit the ball.

Well I think he’s over me and the whole thing so there’s no point. Everyone here seems to think that as well so I’ll let it go

[Batya33]

9 minutes ago, Tiffany778 said:

Well I think he’s over me and the whole thing so there’s no point. Everyone here seems to think that as well so I’ll let it go

Good choice to let it go.  Please know that someone who asks you to hang out or out on a date- even multiple times -may not need to "get over you" -don't assume that that person is so into you that your declining will require him to get over you.  He may ask out multiple women/ask multiple women to hang out.  I asked out men and sometimes the answer was yes and sometimes it was not.  There were some I was really into and needed to "get over" and others -nope.

[catfeeder]

22 hours ago, Tiffany778 said:

Well I think he’s over me and the whole thing so there’s no point. Everyone here seems to think that as well so I’ll let it go

I just don’t see a point in trying to read tea leaves to divine anything. If someone remains in touch with you, it makes perfect sense to say, “I’m going for a walk in x park in an hour, want to join me and catch up?”

 It doesn’t matter whether that person is a neighbor, a coworker, a friend—it doesn’t imply that you’re trying to be their lover.

[Ocba]

My god, your game is absolutely terrible and your attitude is condensending.

1. If he is initiating contact and he has made it clear that he wanted to date you previously, assume that he wants to see you.

2. If you declined him multiple times and he stopped asking you out, be flattered, you got what you wanted and he's not going to ask you out again.

3. You go on a date to judge compatibility, chemistry, to hang out, have fun, and hook up.

4. If he made the date plans such as inviting you to the lounge, it does not mean that he's not interested in what you do or don't like, it means he's taken the lead by planning out the occasion, and he gets 10/10 for maintaining masculine polarity with you.

5. Don't ask him out, you'll be wasting his time. He doesn't have time for somebody that doesn't respect him.

6. Send him this thread. Right, you won't cause now your mind just told you everything you're doing wrong here and why you CANT send him this thread.

Now you have all your answers. Next time you think that turning down dates with a guy you like is intelligent, then remember two things: you don't want a successful relationship, or you want to play games. If you actually have a valid reason, then sure! But 'i like him but I turned him down multiple times--why isn't he asking me out anymore?'

 

People's feelings are not games, and you made it quite clear that you enjoyed turning him down without considering him at all, so it's your turn to leave him alone.