Am I a fool?

[guapa]

So. I don't even know where to start. I feel utterly confused. My boyfriend and I have been together since the end of January. At first it was weird because he was so different from me but as I grew to get to know him I became more comfortable with him and grew to appreciate our differences.

 

He, however, at the same time I was becoming comfortable, seemed to begin to notice those differences and wanted to break up. I convinced him otherwise, but since then whenever the wind seems to change directions he wants to break up. Basically, he is just moody, moody, moody. He gets really picky about the smallest things, like once he exploded because I was cooking too slowly. He got a lot better and his temper has cooled off a lot since then, but it's really strange because it seems like we're having a great time and everything is cool and then all of a sudden he gets all mad about something.

 

Such as money. The other day he suggested to me that I buy him lunch. This sort of bothered me as I'd been buying lots of food for us to eat and have been cooking for both him and his housemate. And when I asked him why I should have to, he got really mad and started talking about how he spends so much more than I do. It was pretty ridiculous. He got mad that I had bought a small inexpensive ($7) bracelet instead of buying him lunch. He has plenty of money. I have absolutely NO jewelry of any kind. It was strange. He went off about it for a while. After that, it was just painful and awkward between us and last night when we were sleeping together (just sleeping) I leaned my head on him and he got all mad at me saying he didn't want me to do that, said something about wanting me to leave him alone. Later when I went to the bathroom I left the door open and when I came back he was sitting on the bed and got mad saying that I shouldn't ever sleep at his house again because I left the door open and the cat could get in. I said, oh, I'm sorry and went to bed. I felt very bad about this. But in the morning, he said in an apologetic way that he had just felt uncomfortable sleeping. Today at lunch he wanted to break up with me saying that I have a big ego.

 

He said that I have a big ego because I was discussing my pay rate and how I'd gotten sort of shiested by the director of my new job and I explained that of course I wanted to get the most I could. He called me greedy. He said that all I am is about my ego.

 

All I want to do is do a good job for the women I serve. I'm happy to have jobs in which I really can make a positive difference in other people's lives. I feel like he doesn't support me in anything I talk about or endeavor to do and that everything is wrong with me according to him. He calls me the "victim" and says that I am "affluent". Which isn't true at all. So I don't understand.

 

He said he wanted to break up and I said "o.k." He called me ten minutes later saying he wanted to talk when I got back from work. I called him about 15 minutes ago and he hasn't called me back. I know that he has got my message and is just ignoring me and it really hurts.

 

I feel horrible. Sometimes he can be so loving, but other times I feel like he just completely trashes me as a person.

[Mun]

Hi there,

Does he make less money than you? Do you live alone or have a roommate too?

 

Sounds like he feels a bit taken advantage of.. either that or he feels a bit inadequate.

 

What else does he complain about?

 

I suggest you don't call him again. He already got your message, let him cool down and talk to you when he is ready.

 

Hang in there

[guapa]

No, he makes twice as much as I do. But the thing is that I often times pay for things. I pay for food, I make it for him and occasionally I take him out. I never ask him for anything. Sometimes he offers things to me, but that's all.

 

He says that I'm annoying. That I annoy him. He also says that I hesitate too much and am too passive and that annoys him. But he is so bull headed that I feel like he always has to be right.

 

It hurts so much because he always wants to break up and then it's like he wants to get attention or something and wants me to cry. Like when he said he wanted to break up I said o.k. and walked away and said something about me crying and I said "look I'm not crying" and pointed to my eyes and walked away and he said something about me being an ******* or something like that (not sure of the exact words cause I was walking away). He wanted to break up but stay friends and wanted me to still live with him! I said that I can't do that, that I need space to heal and he couldn't understand that at all! Then he followed me and wanted to talk more about how I'm all not right for him, and I said "what's the point in listening to what you've told me 20 times already???" but he insisted on talking and when he said something about how it's like he hasn't even been with me at all, I said "now you say that after you tell me how much you love me?" and I walked away and he said after me something about "i love you, but not how you think". He called me while I was on my bike and I didn't hear the call but when I got to work I called him and asked if he'd called and he said no real abruptly and we hung up. Then he called me right back and said that he did, but he forgot that he did and that he wanted us to talk sometime, maybe tonight..

 

He just called me right now and said he is tired and going to bed but wants to talk whenever I get a chance to. I don't understand him when he gets all mad and bent out of shape. I just feel like I'm so much more cool tempered, honestly. I just feel like I really try my best to get along and I feel like he just tries to tear things apart. Like emotionally there is something really wrong with him. Whenever he gets mad he says these mean things to me about how I'm not intelligent or something and when he cools off he takes them back. Like the other day he said something really rude and when I said that it hurt my feelings he got super defensive and refused to apologize until I broke it down to him that all I wanted was that my feelings would be validated and acknowledged, you know?

[SPark]

Um, maybe I`ll be in the minority, but I would suggest dumping him bigtime. Financial discrepencies are only an issue if one side FEELS that they are an issue, and then it can be VERY hard to fix...particularly if it`s the guy who feels threatened. Ask yourself...do you want him using love as blackmail to keep you from reaching your full (financial and personal) potential? Not saying that this WILL happen, only that it easily, easily CAN...and you will probably be giving him the benefit of the doubt, based on your kind understanding of your mutual "differences", right up to the point at which you realize that you could have done and been SO much more if you hadn`t had a human millstone dragging you down in order to make himself feel better...and the cat is NOT the issue...he`s just fishing for whatever leverage he can find.

 

If he`s a REAL keeper, keep him, but keep this in the back of your mind and work on working through it openly and gradually together as a couple.

 

If not, bye-BYE! And YOU go on to bigger and better things!!!

[Mun]

Well he sounds confusing to say the least.

 

Ok so you buy him food and make it for him and he is still not happy with that. I'm guessing he takes you out and spends money on you too...right?

 

He sounds like a pretty emotional ( dramatic) guy. Are you sure you can live with someone like that? You being very cool and calm about things.

 

Look if you want to talk to him then let him tell you what is going on. Resist arguing and really listen to his side, he may say things you don't agree with ( or he could be wrong) but you have to understand that he has his own perception. But, if he is being abusive, don't put up with it.

[guapa]

He just called me to say that he loves me. And I asked him why does he say that? Does he try to hurt me? Because it feels like it I said...

 

I told him that I can't understand why it is that whenever we have any kind of small disagreement, he gets really mad and says things he doesn't mean and then I feel hurt and just want him to say that he doesn't mean it, and then it is all weird and uncomfortable for a couple of days and then he wants to break up. I said I can't handle that kind of thing.

 

I said that I really appreciate all of the changes he has made. He actually has improved a lot. He used to get mad about small things and get really impatient and he has become much better. I said that he has made me more comfortable around him as a result. But that I can't be with someone if they are always breaking up with me. That I want to find someone I'm going to have kids with some day and the relationship can't be like that! It has to be stable.

 

He said o.k. And I said did he understand or disagree? And he said that he understood me. And I said, well, is it something that he wants to change or is that just the way it is? And he said that it's something he wants to change...

 

I told him that I love him and he said he loves me too. And he said he was going to bed.

 

So, I don't know. I feel like he always just says he wants to break up when actually he just wants to have a discussion and that I feel differently. That if he wants to break up that's the end of the discussion for me. This I told him. So, maybe it'll get better. He really does have an amazing capacity to change.

[atigdng]

Am I a fool?

 

yes...if he is that type of person, that is just wrong. Doesn't sound like there will ever be a long term anything out of this so why hurt yourself more?

[SPark]

Um, not to be rude or anything, but he sounds like a major drama queen with a lot of issues, while you sound like a pretty together person. Do you WANT him to drag you down? Do you have 10 or 15 years to invest in being patient while he works through these fabled changes? Is he worth it to you?? Should he be? If he is, could it possibly be because you don`t value yourself enough?

 

If I sound unsympathetic, I`m NOT....I`m quite the reformed drama queen myself...took 15 years of serious self-reflection and a LOT of patience on my husband`s part...god only knows what he could have done with his time and energy otherwise...so please believe me when I ask you to seriously consider whether this is a lifetime thing, or just a thing...and also consider that we women can find it VERY hard to stand firm when it`s the guy who`s being the drama queen....I`ve seen intelligent, competent, formerly self-sufficient and together friends` lives just MESSED UP over guys like this.

[guapa]

You know. I kind of wonder if he just feels like he isn't enough. He used to say he didn't know why someone as smart as me would want to be with him, and he really is unhappy with his job. He doesn't really have any friends. His friend that he lives with is really really weird. But he thinks that I really like his friend or something (and used to think that I was attracted to him, when I wasn't at all). He makes music but he rarely shares it with people and he hasn't been making much new music this last month. He is sort of tired of it too. I don't know. I definitely get mixed signals from him. I think sometimes that this whole break up thing is a way to make sure that I take him seriously and listen to him, but then part of me feels like it is a power thing or something, especially after tonight... when I didn't keep calling him or act sad or anything, then he calls me to say he loves me... It's weird.

[SPark]

It`s a power thing.. coming from fear and insecurity. Fear- Pain-Control-Fear-Pain-Control...it`s a vicious, vicious cycle, but some people live their whole lives on that roller coaster...and the ONLY thing that can break that cycle is unconditional love...but that`s an awfully big commitment to make...especially when there is NO sure guarantee of success, and when you might not get anything back for 10-15 years except more attempts to control you into oblivion so that he can feel comfy about himself....sorry to be harsh, but is he worth it? Got anything you`d rather be doing for the next decade? I am not being facetious or lying...I am dead serious. No doubt he needs help. No doubt you can help him...but at what cost?

 

Feel free to pm me if you want me to tell you the downside risks to the helpful party, from the POV of the offender!!

[guapa]

I appreciate your advice. And you are right. But it's much harder said than done to let something go...

 

I know that he does love me. And he did admit that he needs to change. And that is a good start because we've never really identified before that he has this problem.

 

So, I don't know... I'm going to see what happens. But definitely if I don't see improvement it's over. If he asks me again to break up we will and I won't take him back. But I admit, you are right, I probably should break up with him but I do love him so much....

[SPark]

Fine, then...just keep checking back with yourself at regular intervals so that you don`t EVER get stuck in a rut and end up devaluing yourself and feeling that you have no choice but to stay!! The choice is ALWAYS yours...but unless I miss my guess he might just try pretty hard to make you feel like you have no valid options but HIM.

 

Best wishes, and be careful out there!!

[Mun]

I suggest you try to break him out of these annoying habits like breaking up with you and getting all dramatic. How? Don't reward his "bad" behavior. As long as he is getting the reaction he craves he will keep it up and you will just get drained emotionally. Negative attention is still attention and somehow I think he is getting "something" (maybe knowing you really care/he can control you)out of this or he would have stopped.

 

I have a friend whose fiance sounds very much like your bf. Their issue is that he feels she is not as in love with him as he'd want her to be. She is usually pretty calm and together and he keeps threatening to leave in each argument--to try to scare her I think.

 

Anyway, I hope you can find some solution and that he changes his ways...Good luck!

[guapa]

yeah... the more I think about it, the more i think that there are several reasons. one is that he is insecure and is happy but is looking for more in the relationship and somehow doesn't know how to ask for it. that's what i really feel.

i think i also am not necessarily honest with him enough. like when he caught me not listening to him, instead of saying that i was thinking about him, i just said that i was thinking. so, if i don't say how important those issues are to me, he can't possibly know...

i also think that he used to get some leverage when i was upset about it and tried to convince him not to break up. now i just accept it, and so he doesn't get much leverage. like the other night when i brought up how he said maybe i should go home and i asked him directly "do you want me to go home?" and he just sort of smiled and said "what?" and i said "do you want me to go home, if you want me to then i will." he then decided to talk to me, so i feel like he wanted me to get all sad about it and cry or something.

i got sad the first couple of times he pulled these tactics and now i just accept them and it doesn't work on me anymore. i told him on the phone last night that i don't really feel much when he does that now. it's gotten old...

whatever it is, he doesn't know how to ask for what he wants and also he is very afraid of admitting when he is wrong. he will fight tooth and nail to prove he is right and that i'm just a wuss or something. i feel like he also feels very insecure too. sometimes he pushes me away and then when i step back it's like he's mad that i don't step forward. i feel like he is very confused.

what i really feel like is that now we're going to hang out and he isn't going to admit his problem. that he admitted he should change last night when he was sad, but then once again he'll act like he is all right and i'm all wrong. that's what i feel like he is going to do. i could be wrong, but that's how it has been so far. he doesn't apologize after he says mean things, he just acts like it didn't happen. whereas for me i need him to acknowledge it. i think he is afraid of admitting it, and i'm not sure how to go about that without him getting so defensive that he just gets angry (mostly because he is hurt).

i remember one of the first times we hung out and he got really mad because i had a different viewpoint than he did and when i called him on his tone of voice and volume he got very upset and closed up. he said when he does things wrong, he feels like he doesn't deserve another chance.

i feel like his inability to deal with conflict is an issue.

He doesn't have many friends and doesn't really do enough about his goals, I think sometimes he takes his frustration with life out on me.