Overcoming porn addiction?

[boltnrun]

I dated a guy who frequently brought up the size of my breasts (they were not big enough for his liking) and compared mine to other women he knew or saw.  So, not a deformity but definitely being treated like one. 

He was going bald but I didn't bring up his lack of hair or compare him to other men who had lush, thick heads of hair.  I didn't care about his baldness but he apparently cared about my breast size. 

Lots of men are fixated on breast size.  They will reject a woman whose breasts are not to their "standard" or will "helpfully" suggest the woman get a boob job.  Unnecessary surgery to implant something unhealthy into her body just so he can get his jollies.

So yeah, I know what it's like to be "discriminated" against.  Still never let it stop me.  Plenty of men don't care about breast size.  To hell with those who view me as inadequate because of some fat cells.

Trust me, many women (NOT the ones in bars or clubs!) are compassionate and caring.  Those are the type who will look past any physical characteristics to the person inside.  But if the person inside is rage-filled, bitter and self-loathing it will be clear.  THAT is what's unattractive, not your physical appearance.

Just now, metalfantom said:

I'm glad we class physical and mental anguish as a "pity party". 

"Party" as in a party of one.  Not a woo hoo celebration.  Different definition of "party".

[metalfantom]

3 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

I dated a guy who frequently brought up the size of my breasts (they were not big enough for his liking) and compared mine to other women he knew or saw.  So, not a deformity but definitely being treated like one.  

Damn... I could not even imagine speaking that way to someone I was dating, regardless of my preferences. It's just disrespectful and insensitive. What was he even trying to achieve? It always staggers my mind when I hear about guys who behave like this but were still able to land dates or go out with women.

[metalfantom]

10 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Trust me, many women (NOT the ones in bars or clubs!) are compassionate and caring.  Those are the type who will look past any physical characteristics to the person inside.  But if the person inside is rage-filled, bitter and self-loathing it will be clear.  THAT is what's unattractive, not your physical appearance.

If I'm honest, I think a lot of that goes out of the window where dating's concerned. I'm sure there are plenty of women who are kind and thoughtful in a general sense, but attraction is a cutthroat business. That's when the evolutionary instincts and societal pressures come into play. Therefore, even the compassionate women wouldn't find me to be a suitable partner.

[boltnrun]

2 minutes ago, metalfantom said:

Damn... I could not even imagine speaking that way to someone I was dating, regardless of my preferences. It's just disrespectful and insensitive. What was he even trying to achieve? It always staggers my mind when I hear about guys who behave like this but were still able to land dates or go out with women.

His goal was to make it clear I was very, very lucky he deigned to date me even with my inadequacies.  

He was normally a fun guy.  Smiled a lot, laughed, always had fun ideas of things to do that were out of the ordinary.  He was outgoing.  He was always starting conversations with people.  He came across as someone who'd be a fun friend.  It was only when we were alone or we were with his very closest friends that he'd start in on my inadequate breast size.  Obviously we are no longer dating.  And by all accounts he's alone because eventually everyone found out he's a jerk.

[boltnrun]

1 minute ago, metalfantom said:

If I'm honest, I think a lot of that goes out of the window where dating's concerned. I'm sure there are plenty of women who are kind and thoughtful in a general sense, but attraction is a cutthroat business. That's when the evolutionary instincts and societal pressures come into play. Therefore, even the compassionate women wouldn't find me to be a suitable partner.

Again, you've already decided for ALL women that not one of them would ever be interested in dating you.

It's interesting how you seem to think you know how every single woman on the planet thinks and feels just because you've had some negative experiences.  In that case I should conclude that every single man wants a woman with DD breasts and they have zero interest in women with smaller breasts, even though I see plenty of those women in love relationships (but I guess those are the "exceptions to the rule"...)

And this response of yours is why I've concluded you'd rather stay in your state of anguish than do any kind of work with a professional to change your mindset.  Your rage, envy and fear are preferable to digging in and making changes.

[metalfantom]

9 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Again, you've already decided for ALL women that not one of them would ever be interested in dating you.

It's interesting how you seem to think you know how every single woman on the planet thinks and feels just because you've had some negative experiences.  In that case I should conclude that every single man wants a woman with DD breasts and they have zero interest in women with smaller breasts, even though I see plenty of those women in love relationships (but I guess those are the "exceptions to the rule"...)

And this response of yours is why I've concluded you'd rather stay in your state of anguish than do any kind of work with a professional to change your mindset.  Your rage, envy and fear are preferable to digging in and making changes.

The problem is that men with low self-esteem like me often find themselves dating the first woman to bat her eyelashes at them. Then they end up stuck in toxic relationships because they were desperate for any woman to give them a chance. I'm almost as afraid of that as I am spending the rest of my life alone.  

Anywho, no I don't think it would be safe to infer that all men want women with DD boobs, because men are known to have a broad range of what they find attractive. And women being ruthless at the dating game? I think every broken heart can attest to that.

[boltnrun]

4 minutes ago, metalfantom said:

And women being ruthless at the dating game? I think every broken heart can attest to that.

Not exclusive to women.

I am a woman and I was absolutely devastated by a man breaking up with me.

Do you really think no man has ever broken the heart of a woman? That no man has ever been "ruthless"?

Anyway, I know you'll find some way to spin this to fit your chosen narrative.

You are apparently comfortable in your rage, anger and envy.  That's a shame, but if that's what you choose there's nothing I or anyone else can do about it.

Peace out.

[metalfantom]

Just now, boltnrun said:

You are apparently comfortable in your rage, anger and envy.  That's a shame, but if that's what you choose there's nothing I or anyone else can do about it.

Yeah... I'm real comfortable. 

There is no hope for people like me. We either die in the gutter or take our own lives, whichever comes first.

[Wiseman2]

5 minutes ago, metalfantom said:

There is no hope for people like me. We either die in the gutter or take our own lives, whichever comes first.

This is just a rerun of the thread that was closed because of suicide threats:

 

[metalfantom]

1 minute ago, Wiseman2 said:

This is just a rerun of the thread that was closed because of suicide threats:

 

Thanks, hall monitor.

Here's an idea, if you don't like a thread, don't read it?

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, metalfantom said:

I'm glad we class physical and mental anguish as a "pity party". 

With rare exception most people experiencing physical or mental anguish are willing to seek medical attention.  
Likewise with rare exception most people who ask for advice because they are feeling pain of some sort and dismiss including rudely all suggestions likely are benefiting in some way from remaining in pain such that the benefit outweighs the effort of seeking treatment or a potential solution.  You get to remain in your negative comfort  zone and the attention you get for your venting is worth it as to you negative attention is better than being ignored. 

I had anguish for a time about being single in my late 30s and wanting a husband and family. It was extremely hard to watch as one by one my friends found their spouses and moved on and got pregnant etc. in hindsight what I realize is I benefited because I didn’t have to accept that being with the right person required me to accept someone who was available.
Where the excitement by definition wouldn’t come from the thrill of the chase. Where sometimes it would be fine or even “meh” but not like on adrenaline and waiting for his call. Because he called. He showed up. He was steady. He wasn’t going anywhere. He wanted me and only me.

No need to win someone over. No need to strategize how to get him to want me still. At least not after the first couple of dates. I had to accept that true love means you create your own excitement - you have to be the person who’s an involved partner. It’s not like a car wash where infatuation washes over you because you breathlessly wait for his call.

I wasn’t always like that or like that all the time but enough that I got in my own way.

I felt anguish. I felt misunderstood whining about how I just wanted to meet the right person and not settle.  My mom was so tired of me complaining.  My sister too. It was boring.  But to me it was painful. Mental anguish. With all those wedding invites and baby shower invites and well meaning but hurtful comments in my face again and again. 

so please don’t come here thinking you have the monopoly on the anguish of being unhappily single. And turning to porn for comfort. Stop biting the hands that are trying to feed you. Stop getting in your own way. If you’re up for the challenge.  Are you ???

[metalfantom]

15 hours ago, Batya33 said:

so please don’t come here thinking you have the monopoly on the anguish of being unhappily single. And turning to porn for comfort. Stop biting the hands that are trying to feed you. Stop getting in your own way. If you’re up for the challenge.  Are you ???

I am not denying that the biological clock is a challenge for women looking to attract a partner later in life. But there is hope. You proved that with your own personal story.

It's a different story for disadvantaged men like myself. I don't know why people argue against this, it's reality-denying to pretend there aren't a % of men born with genetic advantages that women find desirable, while on the flip side of the coin there's men born with disadvantages out of their control like me, whom women will never find attractive or be satisfied with. 

[Batya33]

Just now, metalfantom said:

I am not denying that the biological clock is a challenge for women looking to attract a partner later in life. But there is hope. You proved that with your own personal story.

It's a different story for disadvantaged men like myself. I don't know why people argue against this, it's reality-denying to pretend there aren't a % of men born with genetic advantages that women find desirable, while on the flip side of the coin there's men born with disadvantages out of their control like me, whom women will never find attractive or be satisfied with. 

I'm not arguing or debating.  Not interested in doing so.  I know of many examples counter to your blanket "never" statements and I'm not interested in sharing those with you because from your continued reactions to what people are writing here-waste of my time.  I help a lot of people as a friend, an acquaintance, a complete stranger too with charity and volunteer work.  I help people through my work as well. 

And I am a firm believer in my own boundaries so if I am asked for input -as you did on this thread -but am met with pie in the sky challenges, obstacles, word twisting, deliberate misinterpretations - I'm done as my time is best spent elsewhere. Not with people who "agree" necessarily but with people who are open to input they've asked for, who respond in kind, who are appreciative.  I am not finding that here. At all.  I still wish you all the best in whatever you choose to do.

[metalfantom]

4 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I'm not arguing or debating.  Not interested in doing so.  I know of many examples counter to your blanket "never" statements and I'm not interested in sharing those with you because from your continued reactions to what people are writing here-waste of my time.  I help a lot of people as a friend, an acquaintance, a complete stranger too with charity and volunteer work.  I help people through my work as well. 

And I am a firm believer in my own boundaries so if I am asked for input -as you did on this thread -but am met with pie in the sky challenges, obstacles, word twisting, deliberate misinterpretations - I'm done as my time is best spent elsewhere. Not with people who "agree" necessarily but with people who are open to input they've asked for, who respond in kind, who are appreciative.  I am not finding that here. At all.  I still wish you all the best in whatever you choose to do.

In other words, you only engage with people who agree with you and don't challenge your opinions? Fair enough. That's par for the course on the internet. 

[Wiseman2]

6 minutes ago, metalfantom said:

In other words, you only engage with people who agree with you and don't challenge your opinions? Fair enough. That's par for the course on the internet. 

She has been one of the few bothering to entertain this thread and dead-horse topic. So be grateful someone at least bothers.

[Batya33]

10 minutes ago, metalfantom said:

In other words, you only engage with people who agree with you and don't challenge your opinions? Fair enough. That's par for the course on the internet. 

No I actually wrote the opposite:  "Not with people who "agree" necessarily but with people who are open to input they've asked for, who respond in kind, who are appreciative.  I am not finding that here."

 Good luck to you and hope you stay in good health in these challenging times!

[metalfantom]

4 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

She has been one of the few bothering to entertain this thread and dead-horse topic. So be grateful someone at least bothers.

Really? Because if you read back, it was mostly humblebragging about her husband and her own success, rather than giving any practical advice. It's a common trend I've noticed from people who claim to want to "help". I guess it feeds the ego to use someone else's misery as an opportunity to validate yourself.

[Tinydance]

36 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

She has been one of the few bothering to entertain this thread and dead-horse topic. So be grateful someone at least bothers.

Yes

[Batya33]

9 minutes ago, Tinydance said:

Yes

If I wanted to brag about how I stopped getting in my own way I'd totally brag that because I lucked out getting married and pregnant (well since you said I bragged -yes I worked extremely hard and feel thankful for good luck and timing that gave me that extra push in the right direction) I get to have my son get up early with bad dreams 1.5 hours early this morning when I'd often have time to myself and my coffee post-workout (ohhhh did I brag again that I worked out at 5am???) - and -get this -my son remembered my 56th birthday about 2 hours after getting up!  I know right - believe me I'm not being humble OP -you too can have this good fortune if you'd stop getting in your own way. 

As I wrote above and I mean it still despite your commentary -I wish you luck and continued good health in these challenging times.  

[Tinydance]

Also here are some celebrities who were disabled or disfigured and they got through it and were very inspirational- Stephen Hawking, Katie Piper, Turia Pitt. Oh, also, the actor on Game of Thrones Peter Dinglage has dwarfism. Yet he's a very renowned and rich Hollywood actor. Do you think he would have reached success if he just told himself that because of his dwarfism he's worthless and won't achieve anything or have anything in life? No, I don't think so. Also Peter Dinklage is married to a fairly attractive woman.

[Wiseman2]

Have you read the community guidelines? 

Flaming or disrespect in topics and replies is unacceptable and may result in the suspension or revocation of your account.

Reposting your topic is not allowed. Please contact a Moderator for assistance in gaining more replies.

[Batya33]

Just now, Tinydance said:

Also here are some celebrities who were disabled or disfigured and they got through it and were very inspirational- Stephen Hawking, Katie Piper, Turia Pitt. Oh, also, the actor on Game of Thrones Peter Dinglage has dwarfism. Yet he's a very renowned and rich Hollywood actor. Do you think he would have reached success if he just told himself that because of his dwarfism he's worthless and won't achieve anything or have anything in life? No, I don't think so.

I know of someone who died recently after being left a quadriplegic many years ago from an avoidable car accident.  She didn't realize her marriage/family dreams.  She did realize other dreams - experiences that she had and created and all in all she persisted and rose up to the challenges, full of spark, ambition, compassion for others.  We all miss her!  What happened to her was unfair.  It's unfair she never married or had a child as I know she would have wanted.  Her child would have been lucky indeed to have her as a parent.  Life isn't fair. 

I do know for sure that while she went through depression and so much physical pain and surgeries and horrible stuff -that she would have never ever let herself behave as the OP has let alone comment as the OP has to those with good intentions.  There are too many people -one is too many -who have these sensless tragic accidents and their lives are never the same.  Their lives are cut short.  I agree there are many examples of people with disabilities who are successful however they define success.  And many examples where the person does their best with what is out of their control and cannot realize their dreams that are typical for most people - not pie in the sky dreams just you know typical.

  What I do recognize is many of those people with dashed hopes make very different choices and find a way to contribute.  

[metalfantom]

3 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Flaming or disrespect in topics and replies is unacceptable and may result in the suspension or revocation of your account.

Practice what you preach.

[metalfantom]

25 minutes ago, Tinydance said:

Also here are some celebrities who were disabled or disfigured and they got through it and were very inspirational- Stephen Hawking, Katie Piper, Turia Pitt. Oh, also, the actor on Game of Thrones Peter Dinglage has dwarfism. Yet he's a very renowned and rich Hollywood actor. Do you think he would have reached success if he just told himself that because of his dwarfism he's worthless and won't achieve anything or have anything in life? No, I don't think so. Also Peter Dinklage is married to a fairly attractive woman.

I don't really get the point you are trying to make. I looked up both of the women you mentioned and I can see they are both happily married to partners. There's far more hope for disfigured/deformed women to find a partner than the other way around. 

And yes, world-famous millionaire actor Peter Dinklage is happily married. What a shocker.

[Tinydance]

6 minutes ago, metalfantom said:

I don't really get the point you are trying to make. I looked up both of the women you mentioned and I can see they are both happily married to partners. There's far more hope for disfigured/deformed women to find a partner than the other way around. 

And yes, world-famous millionaire actor Peter Dinklage is happily married. What a shocker.

I'm just curious, do you work or have hobbies or are doing something in your life? I ask because I'm not sure why you keep posting here for advice when no amount of any postitive or encouraging comments people give you has ANY effect. In fact you actually want to seem to be rude, sarcastic and argumentative to people. If you're trying to prove something about your looks or whatever, don't try to prove it to us. We don't know you and your arguments are basically volatile and don't even make sense.

I gave you two examples of women who were horrifically disfigured, one by an acid attack and one by having 80+ % of her body completely burnt in a fire. They both became inspirational celebrities. Katie Piper is married with children and has her own burns victims foundation, as well as hosts various TV shows. You are saying they were only able to become successful and marry with disfigurements because they're a woman, not man? Makes NO sense.