MARRIAGE CRISIS? Professionals help!

[shoknrool]

Hello,

 

I need help. This is my first marriage and i am very scared it might end.

 

I have been with my wife for over a decade ( 6years dating / 4 years married) and we have been madly in love for a long time. She has always been my pillar stone and we have always worked together at achieving what we do. However, things have changed.

 

We decided that starting this summer we would try for kids. She is 31 and I am 34. Around Mother's Day, she went weird on me. She claimed that she was afraid of me and thought i would physically harm her. Moreover, she said that she felt that i belittled her and was critical over her cooking, weight, clothing, etc. Furthermore, she stated that she didn't think that I could not be a kind husband to her and our future child if I am not kind to myself. I mean all of these fears popped up and it was scary. The worst part of it is that she is on Lexapro ( a form of Prozac) and has bulimia. I am uncertain if she is simply flipping out due to the drugs or is really worried in our reality. Bulemia is a horrible disease and i have been with her through every part of it.

 

Mind you, I have never touched my wife in an abusive way either. Moreover, I do get angry over the burnt toast, so to speak, once in a while, but i never call her bad things or ridicule her. She told me she loves me and that she wants to save our marriage. However, she needs her "space" ( stay with her parents/sister) for a little while to clear her head.

 

Now about giving her her space, she told me she wants to get away to clear her head. She wants to be 100% sure that our marriage and finances can handle having a child. She wants to miss me again. She wants to miss our marriage again. Also, she has assured me there is not having an affair. She has grown numb to me becuase of my critical behaviour and wants things to get better between us. Ultimately, she wishes to save the marriage but she needs time to heal from all the verbal abuse I have given her.

 

 

Anyhow, she left 12 days ago and said that she will see me again. She said she will be gone for a while and that she loves me. Thereafter, she called me twice to check in with me. Her having her space also means working out 5x a week, going out with girlfriends on the weeknds and trying to get as much attention as possible. Again, another sign of her disease lashing out?

 

Through the course of the week she did come back and grab more clothes and ALL her jewelry. We hardly talk and her parents tell me to be patient. Her parents say give it a month and go to therapy so you guys can work things out.

 

Guys, I am very hurt here. I love my wife and do not want a divorce. I am a product of a broken home and my father has remarried 4X. So you can say i have my issues. Truth is my wife has done alot to hurt me too, but i have always forgiven her. Moreover, i have never physically harmed her or verabally abused her.

 

We have had 1 session so far and she was all angry and said her focus is on herself and not the marriage and nothing else. This was with my therapist. Which we both decided later that we should get a tough therapist to work things out between us ( someone we both do not know)

 

Anyways, some thoughts or some sort of hope would be nice. This is the first time i have experienced something like this and need to know a few things.

 

Is asking for space normal?

 

Is getting to a divorce difficult?

 

Am i overreacting?

 

Is going to marriage counseling a good sign for hope?

 

thanks for reading.

[melrich]

I don't think you are over-reacting.

 

Asking for space is probably not a usual request in a relationship after ten years but I am not sure what option you have at the moment. If you do not give it to her you risk driving her away so I think you just have to suck it in and give her the space she wants.

 

Marriage counselling is a good idea in these circumstances, it can assist you in working through the real issues one way or the other.

 

Getting a divorce is not difficult, the associated issues can be and the emotional fallout for yourselves families and friends can be huge. It is not something o be entered into lightly.

[DN]

If you are not doing any of the things that she is accusing you of then you don't need a therapist for both of you - she needs a psychiatrist for herself. Either that, or she is seeking an excuse to get out of the marriage. Frankly, I find her behaviour shows that she is either mentally unbalanced, possibly because of the medication and/or bulimia or has some other agenda that she is keeping from you.

 

I think you need to talk seriously to her, or if she will not, to her parents.

 

I read an article a while ago by a doctor who said that he felt really sorry for the spouses or parents/family of anorexics or those with bulimia. It is ultimately a disease of people who become very self-absorbed and have no real empathy for the feelings of those close to them. Be careful and guard your heart; I am afraid you are in for some rough times ahead if she does not get proper help.

[Falucchi]

Note: Lexapro and other anti-depressants can have some VERY dangerous side effects:

 

Psychiatric Disorders (Mental and emotional)

 

Aggravated Nervousness - A progressively worsening, irritated and troubled state of mind.

 

Agitation - Suddenly violent and forceful, emotionally disturbed state of mind.

 

Anxiety Attack - Sudden and intense feelings of fear, terror, and dread physically creating shortness of breath, sweating, trembling and heart palpitations.

 

Apathy - Complete lack of concern or interest for things that ordinarily would be regarded as important or would normally cause concern.

 

 

Auditory Hallucination - Hearing things without the voices or noises being present.

 

Bruxism - Grinding and clenching of teeth while sleeping.

 

Concentration Impaired - Unable to easily focus your attention for long periods of time.

 

Confusion - Not able to think clearly and understand in order to make a logical decision.

 

Crying Abnormal - Unusual and not normal fits of weeping for short or long periods of time for no apparent reason.

 

Depersonalization - A condition where one has lost a normal sense of personal identity.

 

Depression - A hopeless feeling of failure, loss and sadness that can deteriorate into thoughts of death.

 

Disorientation - A loss of sense of direction, place, time or surroundings as well as mental confusion on personal identity.

 

Dreaming Abnormal - Dreaming that leaves a very clear, detailed picture and impression when awake that can last for a long period of time and sometimes be unpleasant.

 

Emotional Lability - Suddenly breaking out in laughter or crying or doing both without being able to control the outburst of emotion. These episodes are unstable as they are caused by things that normally would not have this effect on an individual.

 

Excitability - Uncontrollably responding to stimuli.

 

Feeling Unreal - The awareness that one has an undesirable emotion like fear but can't seem to shake off the irrational feeling. For example, feeling like one is going crazy but rationally knowing that it is not true. The quality of this side effect resembles being in a bad dream and not being able to wake up.

 

Forgetfulness - Unable to remember what one ordinarily would remember.

 

Insomnia - Sleeplessness caused by physical stress, mental stress or stimulants such as coffee or medications; it is a condition of being abnormally awake when one would ordinarily be able to fall and remain asleep.

 

Irritability - Abnormally annoyed in response to a stimulus.

 

Jitteriness - Nervous fidgeting without an apparent cause.

 

Lethargy - Mental and physical sluggishness and apathy that can deteriorate into an unconscious state resembling deep sleep. A numbed state of mind.

 

Panic Reaction - A sudden, overpowering, chaotic and confused mental state of terror resulting in being doubt ridden often accompanied with hyperventilation, and extreme anxiety.

 

Restlessness Aggravated - A constantly worsening troubled state of mind characterized by the person being increasingly nervous, unable to relax, and easily angered.

 

Somnolence - Feeling sleepy all the time or having a condition of semi-consciousness.

 

Suicide Attempt - An unsuccessful deliberate attack on one's own life with the intention of ending it.

 

Suicidal Tendency - Most likely will attempt to kill oneself.

 

Tremulousness Nervous - Very jumpy, shaky, and uneasy while feeling fearful and timid. The condition is characterized by thoughts of dreading the future, involuntary quivering, trembling, and feeling distressed and suddenly upset.

 

Yeah, pretty scary.

1- Is she still taking the Lexapro or

2- Has she suddenly stopped taking it?

[SimoneTiger]

Falucchi--are you speaking from personal experience? I have been on Lexapro for a while, and the only side effect I've had was nausea, which disappeared after a couple of weeks.

 

The quality of my life has been improved greatly, and I do attribute it to my medication to a great extent.

[Falucchi]

Not everyone suffers bad side effects, and I'm glad to know you're not one of them!

Most people experience nasuea or dry mouth (mild) when they begin taking the drug.

 

My experience comes from my work as a researcher/writer on the SSRI family of drugs.

 

I wondered if his wife had recently stopped or started, because doing so can cause brain chemistry malfunctions-- mostly in abruptly stopping.

 

If they had plans to to try for children, a doctor should strongly suggest that his wife stop taking this drug due to potential birth defects.

 

Quitting "cold turkey" can bring about very serious psychotic and physical side effects in some people, and some extremely painful (non-pyschotic) effects in approximately 92% of people trying to quit taking it, by cold turkey (not recommended) or the taper off method.

 

Take care

[shoknrool]

The Lexapro did help for a while and now , lexapro affected or not, she has wigged out. She wont take my calls and on top of that is very distant.

 

I speak to her parents on a daily basis who encourage her to work it out with me. But i think all is lost.

 

We are going to counseling to work on our issues starting tonite. However her behaviour tells me she wwants out.

 

She is going away on weekends and never checking in. She cant decide if she is a wife or sinly woman. 31 years old and she is hitting this point in her life.

 

I am at my wits end. She has been gone for 15 days and we hardly talk.

When we do speak she is hard and not loving at all. Alot of anger in her too.

 

It feels like the end.

[Falucchi]

Yep

it sure sounds like the end.

 

Thank God you didn't have any children with this woman, she sounds like she's mentally unstable, has an eating disorder and is on drugs. Not good "wife & mother" material, that's for sure.

Some things can't be fixed- this marriage probably one of them.

 

Is asking for space normal? NO

Is getting to a divorce difficult? NO. No kids, no fault, if married less than 5 years= 6 months and you're free. No lawyers needed, costs about $300

Am i overreacting? NO

Is going to marriage counseling a good sign for hope? NOT when you look at her behavior.

I'd run like hell if I were you, but I'm not you, so I'm truly sorry you're in such pain.

Take care.

[shoknrool]

She called me an said she cancelled the session becuase she was having a panic attack and had thrown up in the compnay bathroom stall. She began to cry and was very sorry.

 

I wake up this morning and find she emptied one of our personal accounts for 5grand. Then, her Mom said she could use some time away and that she had been taken to the doctor this morning. The MD said:

 

1) You and her should be away from one another for a while

 

2) We are going to re-examine her drugs once again to see whats wrong.

 

3) She needs to heal up before she goes to counseling

 

4) She is having a breakdown and might need a therapy up north.

 

Right now, i have no contact with her. I am leaning towards an ultimatum:

divorce or marraige counseling.

[Falucchi]

What would marriage therapy actually do?

How much more time are you willing to invest before you expect to see any changes? Two years? Five years?

Are you expecting "normal-loving" or just not-chaotic?

Will you ever be able to trust her to be your wife and mother of your kids, or will you need to watch and monitor her for the rest of your life?

Would you feel confident that she'll be a good mother?

What if this behavior happens again, when you have a 9-month old baby?

Are you willing to risk the rest of your life to "care-take" someone?

Will you need to always monitor your bank, finances, credit?

You say Truth is my wife has done alot to hurt me too, but i have always forgiven her.

Will you ever be able to come home from work to your own home, and feel a sense of peace, serentiy and calm-- as long as you're married to her?

 

She said She wants to be 100% sure that our marriage and finances can handle having a child.

She does she emptied one of our personal accounts for 5grand.

 

You can't fix another person, but if you keep trying, it's a perfect way to prevent a person from taking the time to look at fixing themselves.

In other words, there's a reason why you married a mentally unstable (bulemic) woman-- maybe you need to find out why.

[shoknrool]

For the record, i have not had an real contact with my wife since her cancellation of marriage therapy. Its been a month she bailed to live at her folks and we are not speaking.

 

However, a few days ago i got a call from her doctor stating that she needs to reschedule her psychotherapy to get her meds. I took down his name and number. Moreover, I gathered her medical card, some of her mail and other letters and mailed it all to her.

 

I went ahead and sent her a very simple email ( no sweet talk at all) stating that her doctor had called for a reschedule and that i was sending her mail in a package.

 

The next day i received an email that was sweet. She called me by our pet name ( i am not going to repeat it) and lets just say its like calling me baby. Then she thanked me for sending the stuff to her and began to talk about how she had been sick and had to go to a docotr and pay money for the visit. Thereafter, she told me to be safe on my business trip and to have fun.

 

I am sitting here at a loss? Why is she emailing me back with what she has been up to? Why bother telling me her medical dealings and why the hell is she calling me by our sweetheart pet names?

 

Maybe im reading too into this.

[DN]

I would let it go for now - see what happens after a while. She may be more likely to be able to communicate with you properly once she has seen her therapist.

[shoknrool]

In order for me to heal, i have written her an email to suggest some sort of communication weekly. I feel that the not knowing what either one of us is up to leads to way too much speculation and further pain. MOreover, once we hit counseling, we can breath a little easier knowing we what we have been up to.

 

However, if she choses not to communciate with me. It will be a sign that she is not ready at all for anything. This can be bad.

 

I feel good about the email i crafted, took me a day and is only 3 paragraphs. Nothing mushy, just a way to take steps. If anything, I am trying to take care of myself and work out things with her one way or another.

 

I need to move on.

[Miss Keisha]

Well, I think that this woman is experiencing the highs and lows of her breakdown and its rather unfortunate that you are caught on the receiving end all the time. I guess if you truly love her, maybe you can just give it a bit of time and in the interim be prepared for all eventualities. Good luck.