is there any point in being friends with a narc ex?

[jayda999]

My ex gf and I broke up around 8 months ago. I was glad as it was highly toxic and I became really unhappy, I know it was the right decision and that I deserve better but I just want some advice on how to stop missing her. I was first with my ex 6 years ago but we broke up after 5 months when I found out she was engaged, i gave her another chance last year which I now regret as I thought she would have changed.

When we were together 6 years ago I found out she was engaged to someone else so that's why I broke it off and cut her off. She ended up getting divorced a year after her marriage, she did admit to having a few relationships afterwards. We got close and had some nice moments but I kept noticing how open she is with other guys and how she'd claim that every other guy was interested in her, she kept pushing me for marriage and kept blaming me for moving too slow just because I didn't want to rush in to marriage.

Everytime we'd argue about it, she would always say that it's my fault that things are moving slow and that she doesn't like being with someone who can't commit. She would always say how she wants someone who loves her more than she loves themselves, that's not normal right?? And She always used to say that she wanted me to open up to her and tell her how I feel and that I can talk to her about anything if I'm ever upset.

So I did when I mentioned that I didn't like how open she is with other guys, she said that she didn't want to be with anyone that's insecure just like her ex husband was (even though she'd already cheated on her ex husband with me which was unknown to me at the time, so he had a reason to feel insecure).

I don't get why she'd tell me to talk to her about anything then end up throwing it back in my face! I told her I'm not happy so we agreed to end it, I was confused at first cos she used to tell me that she misses me everyday and after that conversation she ended up blocking me off everything at the startwhich I thought was childish.   We had an argument a few weeks before the break up in which she said "if we ever break up, it will be your loss".  At that moment in time, I actually felt worthless and believed her when she said it would be my loss because I thought I didnt deserve better but now I realise I do and that I rather stay single than to be involved with someone like her.

 I do miss her but I just want to heal and move on cos I know she's not good for me, and to help myself heal I am planning to stay away from relationships for a while and to do this I am planning on putting more focus on to my career (currently IT graduate, planning to advance my career by undertaking more software engineering certificates to enhance my career). I have also joined the gym now as another way to heal and improve mentally & physically and to keep myself busy.

We broke up 8 months ago but she messaged me on Christmas day saying: 'I just wanted to message you to say that I hope you’re okay and that I feel as though I’m ready to stay as friends with you if that’s what you wanted.. I didn’t think I would ever be able to say that we could stay as friends but I feel like I’m in a good place and I know everything has worked out for the best and I would be really happy to have you as a friend But if you don’t want to hear from me that’s okay too just let me know x' I did reply to her saying that I don't think it's a good idea and I wished her well. She just replied with a simple 'that's fine no worries x'. I'm trying to not think about her messaging me, but I feel like I was really getting in to the healing process and was really focused on other aspects of my life such as my career.

I know I deserve better but I see her quite often as we live near one another and I can't help but still feel hurt and a part of me still misses her. We were quite sexually active together and i think thats whats making me miss her more. I know I won't probably move on straight away but I don't know why I'm still hurting over someone that is so toxic for me. She sent me a chain message over a month ago about charity but I haven't replied, I was confused as she never sent stuff like that before and I hadn't heard from her since Christmas.

I blocked her on social media a few months back but was debating to whether unblock her or not. I do feel like I have enough anger for the way she treated me to be able to ignore her. I do still feel angry over the situation, not sure if that's normal or not.

My father and brother own a grocery store which her and her family occasionally used to visit before we broke up, after the break up she stopped visiting although her brother still came in sometimes. I usually work there part time just to help out when things get busy, however 2 days ago she came in on her own to my surprise. She never came in on her own even before she'd usually bring a family member, we came face to face and it felt quite awkward but we just turned away from each other and carried on. She hasn't said anything since then, I know its probably not a big deal to most people but it's hard to not think about it when she had started to appear in my space again surprisingly.

[Wiseman2]

Is this the same woman?:

 

[Kwothe28]

25 minutes ago, jayda999 said:

I don't get why she'd tell me to talk to her about anything then end up throwing it back in my face!

Its a thing with some people. They want you to be open because they heard that is what partners do, but get mad when its actually about something you dont like about them. Shows how immature she is.

Anyway, you still havent moved on. Its a tough one, she has beaten you into submission how she is some kind of perfect partner and how its all your fault(she probably did that to ex hubby too because, as you saw, she still liked and was open with other guys even when with you, some things never change) and how you would lose something precious. Its kinda like if you have addiction. You know its bad for you but you still fall to it. Again, she has "beaten into you" how you are worthless and that you are lucky to have her. Its not really easy to get back from that kind of bad or even abusive relationship(hate the word "toxic" lol). 

So, I would suggest that maybe your healing process involves seeing a therapist. It would maybe be easier to go away from thinking about her and move on after you talk to somebody like that.