Don't want more children

[punchy504]

I am a divorced mother of two, 9 year old boy and 3 year old girl, I have been dating a wonderful man for about 10 months and he is great, I honestly have no complaints about the relationship.

 

After about 4 months of dating we had the "dealbreaker discussion", we went over major issues and found out where each other stood on these issues and if our opinions were something we could each live with in the long term. One issue, I had a tubal ligation after my last child, I only ever wanted two children, he asked if I would ever be willing to have the operation reversed, I had said yes, if I were with the right person and we really wanted to have a child together I would. At that moment I was very sincere with what I had told him.

 

Now, after much thinking about my life, where I want it to go, my two children etc. I realized that it will be very unlikely for me to want to have another child. I told him right away.

 

His response was that he kind of understood and he would have to think about that. Then later I mentioned our earlier conversation and he said he would take his time thinking about it, we already had a lot invested in this relationship so if we broke up now or in two or three months it would still hurt.

 

I am scared to lose him, he is what I have always been looking for, but I also want my life to move forward as far as children are concerned. Any input on this subject would be greatly appreciated. Should I not bring it up any more? Should I prepare to be dumped? Has anyone overcome this fork in the road before and had the relationship last?

[RayKay]

The issue of whether or not to have children can be a dealbreaker for most if there is disagreement, I won't say otherwise on that. And it is an issue that is increasingly common now with the higher rates of divorce and others waiting to get married longer. For example there are more people who have HAD their children and don't want more, meeting people who have never been married and want to settle down and start a family.

 

I don't think you need to bring it up with him again - he is very aware how you feel now that you told him a couple times, so let him think about it as he said he would do. Many people need time to process thoughts and decide what is best for them in that situation. For him it may be a dealbreaker, or it might not as perhaps he will feel the two children you have will be enough for him as well...or maybe he wants to create his own children with you and he may have to thereforeeee leave. Just ensure that he knows you care about him deeply - words and actions, and try and involve him in your family/children.

 

I don't think anyone here can say for sure, but he does know and you will know soon enough the result. And if he does choose to leave, keep in mind it was best for both of you in that case as you shared different goals and would of caused big problems later. Likewise if you feel he is pressuring you, it is in your best interest perhaps to leave.

 

I would like to commend you on telling him of your change of heart though. A lot of people know they don't want/want children but go along with their partners wants to "keep them" and it creates MASSIVE problems later when the truth comes out.

[GettingOverIt]

Right now, sit tight... Let him think about it. He needs the time and space to think about all that has been placed on his plate. No matter what, though, you need to be true to yourself. Do not compromise on this issue if you feel strongly about it. No matter how 'right' things seem, if this is a 'breaker,' then it is much better to find out now.

 

I would not worry or fret over it now though. You have been upfront and honest, and that is very admirable.

[DN]

I agree with the above, particularly the honesty mentioned by RayKay. But most people have an innate desire to have children and he would not be a bad person if he decided that, despite his love for you, it is a deal breaker. Just as you have the right not to have children, he has the right to want someone on the same page as he is regarding a family. As much as he might be willing to help you raise your children, it is not the same thing as having his own.

[punchy504]

DN, I totally agree that there is a difference between your own kids and someone else's. He is not really sure that he ever does want to have kids, his comment was that he didn't really like that option being closed off to him. Which I can understand.

 

Right now we don't even live together and haven't really talked about marriage, but this is one issue that should be dealt with early. We did talk some more today, and we decided that we are going to get past humps that each of us are working on (me-custody battle; him- starting new business) because we are supportive and good to each other, then we will see where we're at.

 

Thanks for the advice so far.

[Hope75]

I think you were wise to be honest with him right away and to give him the choice to decide if that is a factor that will make him want to reconsider the relationship.

 

As you well know, having children is a very serious and committed undertaking and it should really be about two people desiring to raise the child together. Having had children you know what it entails and are perfectly justified in your right to be honest in saying that you would not like to have anymore.

 

This is something that should be addressed, since it really isn't a negotiable point if you feel strongly about it one way and he another.

 

I wish you the best, and kudos to you for letting him know up front where you stand, regardless of the consequences.