Good friends are like parachutes, but what about Ex's?

[socalguy123]

Hey I have a question. I know this board is probably not the best place (as its full of broken hearts), but I'm wondering how many people here are, or know someone, who successfully keeps in touch with their ex's. When I say successfully, I mean they don't come off as broken-hearted, nor do their ex's.

 

Some background: When I was dating my ex, a lot of her talk revolved around how she kept in touch with all her ex's, and how she believed in keeping ex's as friends after breakups. For me, I never really flew well with that. let her know that I keep in touch with one of my ex's, and that's after a 3 year hiatus where we both moved on. So when my most-recent ex and I broke up almost 2 months ago for the last time (2 other breakups previously), we had a 2 week off-on conversation going about how we could still hang out, how we could still be friends. For whatever reason, I promised her that I would be her friend forever, as I think she is a kind and fun person, (and now I realize she treats her friends better than her ex boyfriend).

 

Now, according to her, her heart was broken. Well so was mine. But I thought it was stupid that we should turn to each other, to heal. Besides which, the reason we broke up was that she couldn't keep from hanging out with her (since the breakup, they've become "friends with benefits" (I know I know, I harp on it... but hey! that's why we're all here!)). I mean, there was no point in me spending time with her.

 

But here's the sticker: she would talk about all her friends who have breakups that keep in touch with their ex's. And she still wanted to be my friend. I would tell her not right now, maybe years from now. And she would say that she needed my friendship now.

 

Also, she would say this, "Good friends are like parachutes, if they're not there for you the first time, chances are you won't be needing them again."

 

I personally think this is BS. I was hurting too much to be her friend. I'm over her now, but I haven't moved on, so there's no way I can be her friend even now. I believe she was missing the relationship with me, all the comfort, caring, and acceptance that I shared with her--and she wanted to cash in on that after we had separated. But I can't for the life of me clear this up in my head.

 

I DO say "F Her" and her request for friendship in my mind, but for right now, it doesn't seem enough. I would like other people's opinions. Do you yourselves, keep in touch with ex's, or know someone who does, successfully? I mean, within a short time of the breakup? Personally, I don't think it's possible, but I'm willing to listen...

 

Thanks!

[Ms Omaniac]

i certainly believe it is possible to be friends with you ex's. i know one of my best friends is my ex. BUT there was no way in hell we could be friends immediately. after we broke up...it was about a year...we started talking again.

 

you know when youre ready when you can hear about your ex dating someone and not feel jealous...and your ex can do the same. now i listen to my ex's sex life and he listens to mine with no problem. neither one of us has an agenda to secretly want the person back. sometimes we reflect on our past but we do it in friendly fashion.

 

it's great to have him as a friend because not many people know me like how he does. even my current bf knows him now and doesnt consider him a threat. i think he might have at first...so that's why i introduced him so that he could see how we truly are just friends and that he should have no worries.

 

but if you want to be friends with your ex....you DEFINITELY need a time off period right after the break up. most of the time...when someone wants to stay friends IMMEDIATELY...they have an agenda or alterior motives. Some want to remain friends in hopes they will rekindle the relationship and some want to remain friends to continue helping boost their self esteem and some do it just use the person because they know how easy it is to walk all over this person.

 

it defintely is difficult though and not all people can. i know there was one ex that no matter how hard we tried...we could not stay friends.

 

-ivy

[Mr. Sub]

I think it is possible, but very difficult.

 

I just broke up with my gf. She went back with her ex, who she has been keeping in touch with while we were together for 2 yrs. So do you call that a pure friendship? Now she wants to remain friends with me.

[hockeyboy]

i have enough friends to know that i dont need an ex to be one too. i have enough friends that are like brothers and sisters to me, nevermind my family who will be there to support me. i dont need an ex around....just my opinion

[chai714]

I DO say "F Her" and her request for friendship in my mind, but for right now, it doesn't seem enough. I would like other people's opinions. Do you yourselves, keep in touch with ex's, or know someone who does, successfully? I mean, within a short time of the breakup? Personally, I don't think it's possible, but I'm willing to listen...

 

I was keeping in touch with my most recent ex (together 5 years), but I had motives. I have since cut communication with her for the same reasons that you cut them.

 

My theory on being "friends" with exes: you can not be friends immediately following a long term relationship. Human emotions do not work like a switch. You can't go from "love" to "just friends" overnight. This process takes time to adjust, and for some it may take years.

 

Her analogy with a parachute is almost like a threat - be my friend now or never. Don't allow her to set such harsh conditions on a friendship. She may or may not realize that her saying that was immature and selfish.

[GettingOverIt]

I think that whole parachute thing is ludicrous... That assumes that your friends are only there to catch you, and do not have anything else going on in their lives other than to serve you when you need them... Some of my very good friends are folks that I have spent a long time getting to know, and several of them were not there the 'first time' I 'needed' them... Good friends are the ones that put up with your crap and you put up with theirs when the times are tough, and who will stand by you and cheer you on when life is going great... They are the ones who see you when you can't even see yourself, and you see them for all they are, even when they don't know or what they are at times.... (just my 2 cents)

[socalguy123]

Thanks to all of you guys for your great posts. I see a part of me in each one: "Yes I would like her friendship", "No I don't *need* more friends", "Yes it will take some time for me to be ready for friendship", and lastly "What the hell is friendship when you hook up with the friends you had while we were dating??!"

 

For the last one, and this is sort of brought up by Mr. Sub, I mean, what the heck?! I was always aware there was some chemistry between my ex and her so-called friend. I also knew they had a very short history before I showed up and swept her off her feet. So yeah, all's fair in love and war, but who the hell can trust someone that goes back and forth between previous lovers, ex's and the like??

 

Is it just me, or is that stupid?

 

Well technically, she's told me that she doesn't see a future with him. But hey, she doesn't see a future with me, why doesn't she sleep with me instead?! Bleah. LOL I'm being ridiculous. Overall, I could be her friend, but after a looooong period of moving on....

 

Cheers, and thanks again!

[PB]

It can be complicated to say the least.

 

My first "real" girlfriend from college was the type that tried to stay in touch with all of her old boyfriends. It bugged the heck out of me at the time, because it was difficult to know whether or not she was being honest with me (wanting just friendship with them) or if something else was going on.

 

Once I became the "ex", she made a huge effort to stay in touch with me. And as I have mentioned else where, I even ended up attending her wedding. That being said, I don't know that we ever became what I would describe as "just friends". She moved about 250 miles away and that helped to break the bond some, but whenever she was in town and would want to see me, there always existed a sexual tension between us. I knew it and she knew it. If neither of us were seeing anyone else, we would sometimes end up acting on it. If one or both of us were involved with someone else, we did not act on it, but we both knew the tension was "there" under the surface. However, officially we were just friends.

 

I have other exes that I've not seen in years.

 

My current story, that some you may have read, is that I share an office with my most recent ex. She would like for us to be friends. However, I'm around her too much right now to deal with that. I still get those weird feelings when I'm around her (either wishing things had worked out, or some jealousy over her new bf, etc...)

 

I admire those of you who are able to move on and become friends with your exes.

 

It seems from my experience that a number of factors come into play. I'd say that the less physical "chemistry" that exists between the two of you, the easier it is to be friends. The more secure and happy each of you are in your life will also make it easier to be friends.

 

Sometimes you can tell yourself that you are just friends, but if one or the other of you falls into a needy type situation (breakup, family tragedy, loss of some kind), you can find yourself starting to look at that ex differently again.

[sadgirl_april]

I remain friends with an ex whom I broke up with 2 years ago. We agreed to be friends when we broke up. He was nice to me after we broke up, sent me flowers for my birthday (which he never did when we were together) and sent me cookies in a cute litte house for Christmas (which never happened in the past). After I met a new boyfriend 1 year ago, he stopped sending me gifts but we still talked via emails. I think we qualify as friends, but not very good friends. He told me his dating stories, mostly girls whom he didn't like or girls who didn't like him, or his fights with the most recent girlfriend. I couldn't tell him my problems with my current (recently brokeup) boyfriend. No matter what happens, I can't take him back, so I can never admit to him I am frustrated with my dating scene at this point.

 

I am trying to remain friends with the current (recently brokeup) boyfriend. He didn't believe we could be friends, but agreed to give it a try. Quite difficult at this point. He wants sex, I want friendship. He never loved me, so I could never see a future with him romantically any more. A friendship is all I can get and all I will give in return. He is kind of cold to me lately. Not sure if the friendship will last with him. He never kept friendship with an ex, nor keeps long friendship with anybody I hear about except with his little brother.

 

So I guess it depends on the people. If both people feel they want to remain friends, then they can.