Wife doesn't orgasm

[reinventmyself]

 . . and when I see you've taken this to reddit as well. . It smacks of campaigning.  If you feel a strong conviction about your grievances, you don't need to be debating this with strangers , least not to this extent.  I suspect you already know you either aren't on the right track or there is something else going on.

Just my hunch. .

[maritalbliss86]

31 minutes ago, reinventmyself said:

You have an affectionate wife who enjoys sex, a good marriage but you are willing to walk away over something that she may very well not have control over.

This is what I'm confused about... from what you've described, she sounds like she enjoys it and you both just lack good communication skills (?).

I would have written exactly what MyLolita wrote....  Is it something more than this I'm guessing?  It feels like we aren't seeing the whole picture here.

[maritalbliss86]

16 minutes ago, reinventmyself said:

. . and when I see you've taken this to reddit as well. .

Can you add the link?  I'm curious to see what others are saying and if there are more details there

[reinventmyself]

21 minutes ago, maritalbliss86 said:

This is what I'm confused about... from what you've described, she sounds like she enjoys it and you both just lack good communication skills (?).

I would have written exactly what MyLolita wrote....  Is it something more than this I'm guessing?  It feels like we aren't seeing the whole picture here.

all this giving me some thought. 

Married 18 yrs, together 20.  The last 2 yrs sex was non existent.  I doubted myself that I might be asexual at times, but in reality the lack of sex was a barometer of our dysfunctional marriage.

Divorced and fast fwd I've had a couple relationships since then and I learned a few things.  One, I am not asexual!  Different partners bring out very different things in you.  And for the most part feeling safe and secure in a relationship makes all the difference when it comes to climaxing.  

What I read in this thread is this isn't her problem. .  but both of theirs.   The punishment just doesn't fit the crime.

[hub49]

36 minutes ago, maritalbliss86 said:

Can you add the link?  I'm curious to see what others are saying and if there are more details there

There is no link. I read Reddit. I have not posted this there. 

[hub49]

33 minutes ago, reinventmyself said:

all this giving me some thought. 

Married 18 yrs, together 20.  The last 2 yrs sex was non existent.  I doubted myself that I might be asexual at times, but in reality the lack of sex was a barometer of our dysfunctional marriage.

Divorced and fast fwd I've had a couple relationships since then and I learned a few things.  One, I am not asexual!  Different partners bring out very different things in you.  And for the most part feeling safe and secure in a relationship makes all the difference when it comes to climaxing.  

What I read in this thread is this isn't her problem. .  but both of theirs.   The punishment just doesn't fit the crime.

Congrats on making the moves you needed to and finding the right fit. That's all I want but I feel judged like I'm wrong to want something more, better, etc.  I was trying to be honest rather than being cowardly and deceitful by going the affair route.

[reinventmyself]

13 minutes ago, hub49 said:

Congrats on making the moves you needed to and finding the right fit. That's all I want but I feel judged like I'm wrong to want something more, better, etc.  I was trying to be honest rather than being cowardly and deceitful by going the affair route.

I think you may have missed the point.  My marriage was abusive and dysfunctional the lack of  sex was it clear symptom of a larger problem.

You on the other hand have a good marriage and relationship.

There's a good chance your wife can end up being a little more of a freak in the bedroom with a more compassionate and understanding partner.

Something to think about.

[hub49]

10 minutes ago, reinventmyself said:

There's a good chance your wife can end up being a little more of a freak in the bedroom with a more compassionate partner.

The same could be said for me.

 

[reinventmyself]

20 minutes ago, hub49 said:

The same could be said for me.

 

Then go ahead, pull the trigger and do what you need to do instead of waiting for unanimous support here. . or on Reddit 

What's interesting in this thread, the two men who contributed attempted to challenge or caution your way of thinking. 

Interesting, no? 🤔 That being said. . I'm out because I sense you aren't being transparent about what's going on.

[maritalbliss86]

18 minutes ago, hub49 said:

The same could be said for me.

 

Can you explain what she does that isn't compassionate?   

Not talking about sex in an honest, open way, does seem really odd to me... and of course that would harm your sexual and marriage relationship.

Does she just refuse to talk about it, have you ever tried telling her things you want to try or do?  Has it not gone well when you've tried before?  Or do you just pick up on her overall not really wanting/craving you, and you want someone who craves you all the time (I understand that - I don't think most men would want to be in a marriage like that).

[lostandhurt]

Interesting you didn't address my question.

Is there someone else you are interested in?  Simple question

Many times we see posts like yours where someone is talking divorce because of this or that and then after several posts it comes out that there is the guy or girl that just started at work blah blah blah.

 Your wife not having an orgasm hasn't been an issue for 20 years.  Something has changed so just fess up if you want true help.  If there is no one else then what has you on this way of thinking now?

Almost everything you have said is contradictory to an unhappy marriage.

Lost

[hub49]

1 minute ago, lostandhurt said:

Interesting you didn't address my question.

Is there someone else you are interested in?  Simple question

 

No there isn't. Simple answer. 

[Wiseman2]

On 6/24/2022 at 10:02 AM, hub49 said:

I interpret this as a lack of love for me . I often wonder if I'd benefit from a fresh start with someone else. 

And there it is... This has nothing to do with her muted sexual response and everything to do with midlife crisis and fear of missing out and aging. Her subdued sexuality is not a "lack of love for you".  But you are clearly losing attraction or not in love with her anymore.

It's been this way through 20 years of marriage and a  kid. Suddenly you're "angry" she's not a howling screaming flying off the walls sex manic?

[maritalbliss86]

47 minutes ago, lostandhurt said:

Your wife not having an orgasm hasn't been an issue for 20 years. 

It's interesting you read it that way.  

The way I read his in-between the lines is that it probably always has bothered him to some degree, and then has gotten worse with time.  Her lack of wanting to communicate openly about sex or feeling comfortable with her own husband doing different things is what is shocking to me - it's not healthy or normal.  

Cutting off one's partner from deep sexual intimacy, and not even being able to talk about it, does sound weirdly cruel on her part.  

A great lady I used to listen to who helped couples through things like this usually tried to get the wife to see how her not helping her sexual issues negatively affects her husband, too, which isn't fair to expect him to put up with it long-term.  It's something that *must* be worked through, or she's risking him divorcing her, or having affairs eventually etc.  

Think about it --  if it's her sexual issue that's preventing her from feeling comfortable, being able to talk about it, etc. then it's her responsibility to get professional help for her issue.  When women refuse to go to counseling and sort these issues out, it puts the husband in an awful position of feeling hurt, unfulfilled and like there's no answer....  So I can see how that would grow from being something minor to a major resentment over time.

 

[hub49]

11 minutes ago, maritalbliss86 said:

It's interesting you read it that way.  

The way I read his in-between the lines is that it probably always has bothered him to some degree, and then has gotten worse with time.  Her lack of wanting to communicate openly about sex or feeling comfortable with her own husband doing different things is what is shocking to me - it's not healthy or normal.  

Cutting off one's partner from deep sexual intimacy, and not even being able to talk about it, does sound weirdly cruel on her part.  

A great lady I used to listen to who helped couples through things like this usually tried to get the wife to see how her not helping her sexual issues negatively affects her husband, too, which isn't fair to expect him to put up with it long-term.  It's something that *must* be worked through, or she's risking him divorcing her, or having affairs eventually etc.  

Think about it --  if it's her sexual issue that's preventing her from feeling comfortable, being able to talk about it, etc. then it's her responsibility to get professional help for her issue.  When women refuse to go to counseling and sort these issues out, it puts the husband in an awful position of feeling hurt, unfulfilled and like there's no answer....  So I can see how that would grow from being something minor to a major resentment over time.

 

You summed up my feelings very well here.  It is cruel to say to someone that you haven't orgasmed with them, and then you don't give them an opportunity to even make it happen.  It always has bothered me during the relationship, at times more than others.

If you haven't orgasmed with a partner, are not willing to explore, and don't seem to care if you have one, then you shut your f-ing mouth and don't bring it up so the other partner doesn't have to feel like sh-t.

Cutting off someone from deep sexual intimacy is cruel, it's a rejection, and dare I say it's a betrayal.  Because you go into a marriage in good faith, with the intention to be exclusive to that person and share deep intimacy with them.  To close that off is not living up to what you had promised.

I know I've upset a lot of people here, who feel that I have no reason to complain about anything in this situation.  And, that's fine, we don't know each other so I don't take it personally.  I guess I'll just close by saying it's evident I don't have a full partner, so why should I be one?  If I had an affair, filed for divorce, or both, I know I tried.  I can't say the same for my "partner."

 

 

 

[lostandhurt]

4 minutes ago, maritalbliss86 said:

It's interesting you read it that way.

I can only go by what the OP has written and not read between the lines as you have.

He says there is no one else but "I often wonder if I'd benefit from a fresh start with someone else"

"I feel a lot of sadness, shame and anger that she hasn't orgasmed"

What about his wife?  What about their child? 

What about getting serious about finding a way to at least understand all this? 

She is repressed as she has always been so she did not change. He knew this when they married.

He after all this time is considering divorce.  This isn't the fault of his wife as many women do not orgasm at all.

Perhaps the title of the thread should have been. I am not sexually satisfied with my wife because she does not orgasm  Or  I feel like a failure because in 20 years I have never been able to bring my wife to orgasm

I can totally relate as I once was in love with a wonderful woman that was a tough nut to crack to say the least. I could bring her to orgasm but it was not easy. I felt selfish at times because I did but she did not.  I also felt like a failure at times because even though she told me I gave her more orgasms in the 18 months we dated than she had in her whole life I didn't think I was good enough, I made it about me instead of her.

I was feeling bad about myself but the last thing I ever considered was dumping her over it.

There are a lot of avenues to explore before ending a marriage and if it does end it should never even be implied it has to do with her lack of orgasm.

Healthy and/or normal are subjective. If she had changed suddenly it would be a totally different discussion...

Lost

 

[hub49]

5 minutes ago, lostandhurt said:

I am not sexually satisfied with my wife because she does not orgasm 

I feel like a failure because in 20 years I have never been able to bring my wife to orgasm

Yes, those would have been appropriate titles.  I agree with both statements.  

I'm not looking to play the blame game by getting strangers to absolve me of something and shift the blame onto someone else.  That's not going to accomplish anything.

I don't necessarily want a fresh start with someone else, but at the same time, I often think I'd match better with someone else, though I do not have a specific person in mind.  

[Wiseman2]

On 6/24/2022 at 10:02 AM, hub49 said:

I'm 49 male, wife is 45. We have been married almost 20 years.

Did both of you have some prior sexual experience? If so, you'll know that some women are just quiet and the most that happens is sort of a quiver and a sigh. This is sometimes referred to as a "starfish"...someone who just kind of lies there. But that's who she is. Sure, maybe you could have livelier sex with someone else but is it with the cost of divorce and all that?

[maritalbliss86]

19 minutes ago, lostandhurt said:

What about getting serious about finding a way to at least understand all this? 

 

I think it has to be her that chooses to get help though, this sounds like a lot more than just not orgasming... it sounds like deep sexual hang-ups she'd need to address in counseling with a professional...  and his hands are tied - he can't force her to fix her sexual hangups.  

 

9 minutes ago, hub49 said:

I'm not looking to play the blame game by getting strangers to absolve me of something and shift the blame onto someone else. 

 I think finding a solution involves figuring out what or who can change something to solve the issue.  Not a blame game, just simply whose responsibility is it to fix an issue. 

If I had a major depressive disorder and it affected everything in my life, it'd be my responsibility to get help - especially if it was negatively affecting my husband, sex life, and children.  If I refused to get help and expected everyone to carry on as normal, it would put them all in a very bad place.  To me, it seems like she's doing that (but to a much lesser extent as it only affects their sex life). 

She can probably fix this if she really wanted.  I mean you'd have to be honest with her 🙂 let her know how this affects you, and then she'd have to be willing to go to counseling for sexual hang-up issues (as this sounds like much more than just lack of orgasming... ). 

Hoping for the best, if you talked to her, would she go?

 

[hub49]

On 6/24/2022 at 2:41 PM, SherrySher said:

I'm just gonna throw this out there too, cause why not, but has she ever had any sexual trauma?

She may have not talked to you about it, or maybe she herself hasn't faced it.

But is there a possibility at some point she endured some kind of sexual trauma, or even sexual shaming that makes her not allow herself to enjoy sex, or want you touching her certain ways, or not even comfortable with talking about sex.

It's a possibility to explore.

I'm sorry that I didn't address this earlier.  I honestly don't know if she had been sexually abused in the past.  If there is any of this in her history, it would be a very key thing for me to know about.  I'm unsure of how I could gracefully bring this up.  As upset as I am with everything, I don't want to add to any feelings of shame she has if she was abused.

[lostandhurt]

3 hours ago, maritalbliss86 said:

She can probably fix this if she really wanted.  I mean you'd have to be honest with her 🙂 let her know how this affects you, and then she'd have to be willing to go to counseling for sexual hang-up issues (as this sounds like much more than just lack of orgasming... ). 

Hoping for the best, if you talked to her, would she go?

I agree totally.  Instead of having a divorce talk have the talk about intimacy, passion, satisfaction, feeling good about yourself, wanting to please the woman you love dearly...

 We see people on here frequently that just beat around the bush (no pun intended) about their frustrations or problems with the marriage or relationship and then just got fed up and pulled the trigger on divorce.  Most of the time it all comes rushing out and their partner is shocked and had no idea they felt so deeply about all of it.

  If you can talk to her about it phrasing would be key so she doesn't feel like the bad guy or to blame.

No matter what is done it should be done together so she feels like you are in it all the way and willing to try anything.

  Isn't it strange how easy it is to have sex but how hard it can be to talk to your partner about it.

Lost

[MissCanuck]

8 hours ago, hub49 said:

If you haven't orgasmed with a partner, are not willing to explore, and don't seem to care if you have one, then you shut your f-ing mouth and don't bring it up so the other partner doesn't have to feel like sh-t.

Some strong words here. 

8 hours ago, hub49 said:

Cutting off someone from deep sexual intimacy is cruel, it's a rejection, and dare I say it's a betrayal.

And here, a bit less so. 

But it speaks to your deep anger over this, and anger that has apparently been simmering for a long time. If you are at this point, you need to stop tip-toeing around your wife and be honest with her that you are considering leaving the marriage if this is not properly addressed. Suggest the two of you see a counsellor together. Come at this as a team. 

If she shuts that down, well, you have some big choices to make.

[JoyfulCompany]

To me it's cruel to serve divorce papers to a partner of 20 years without ever raising your concerns and frustrations around topic X that's the reason for the divorce. I get it's somewhat a taboo topic but the lack of communication at this point is a shared responsibility. Why - because even if it was pure unwillingness of one of the parties to talk about it, the other went along with it for two decades. This means they were okay like that.
Also, you'll server the papers and say what? Nothing, because it's taboo to talk about it? Crazy unfair. But, with that said, if you absolutely won't work on it and will continue building resentment against your clueless wife, maybe go ahead, I don't know, up to you.

I'm one of the women who can't orgasm from penetration. Or, I can, but I've noticed the pose and pace I need for that aren't very stimulating for my partners. So, sometimes I choose not to bother and sometimes I ask for additional attention only on me, if I would like to finish. With that said, I experience great pleasure from sex, just rarely happen to get the sudden climatic end to it, that's it.

I always explain that and if men try to make it about themselves I internally roll my eyes to the drama. It's like there's a written down manual which says "men are not real men if they can't bring their partner to orgasm N times". Mine instead says "partners should be greatly interested in each other's safety and pleasure" and that's enough.

To me sex is intimacy, communication, vulnerability, trust, pleasure and many other things. Counting orgasms sounds like a weird fixation.

[maritalbliss86]

5 hours ago, JoyfulCompany said:

Why - because even if it was pure unwillingness of one of the parties to talk about it, the other went along with it for two decades.

I've seen a lot of couples, "go along with," something terrible (lack of sex, affairs, in-laws problems, money issues, drug or alcohol addictions, etc.) for decades, wishing the partner would change or the problem would go away, maybe they hope for better?  I don't know.

Quote

This means they were okay like that.

LOL yea right!  I don't think so.  Again... in reality, a lot of people, "go along with," something for decades.  It doesn't mean they were or are OK with it.  

I will say though the longer one partner doesn't fix their issue, no matter what it is, the harder it is to stay married to them without building up resentment or regrets etc.

[JoyfulCompany]

13 minutes ago, maritalbliss86 said:

LOL yea right!  I don't think so.  Again... in reality, a lot of people, "go along with," something for decades.  It doesn't mean they were or are OK with it. 

I mean they're giving signals to their partner that they're okay, not that they really are. And whose responsibility that is, to the clueless partner?

Then they punish their partner for something they chose to endure, without ever bringing it up, not ever giving the other person chance to work on it. Yeah, it happens a lot, I know, but does it need to?

Alright, if it's too late - it's too late, mistakes were made and all, but it's unfair to blame it on the uninformed party in the end.