Really conflicted on life's next steps. Any advice?

[maritalbliss86]

30 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I think there's a huge difference between accepting not 'having it all" which I've found most do accept - and accepting not having what you have decided is essential to your life goals.

Right I do agree on his unfulfilled needs being a core value.  

But he was talking about having it all meaning a wife and affair partner - a kind of irrational utopia that just doesn't exist if you know what I mean.  So I likened it to if I wanted to homeschool and work full-time, and, "have it all."  

But I get it... his need of a fulfilling sex life it sounds like, among maybe other things going on, is something he shouldn't compromise on, but did, and now wants out.

[Batya33]

3 hours ago, maritalbliss86 said:

Right I do agree on his unfulfilled needs being a core value.  

But he was talking about having it all meaning a wife and affair partner - a kind of irrational utopia that just doesn't exist if you know what I mean.  So I likened it to if I wanted to homeschool and work full-time, and, "have it all."  

But I get it... his need of a fulfilling sex life it sounds like, among maybe other things going on, is something he shouldn't compromise on, but did, and now wants out.

I think being married and having an affair partner means you have nothing as opposed to all. 

[Greg40s]

Almost three months later and I thought I'd come back with an update. A lot has happened. I went through a long process of trying to figure out if I was truly ready to end my marriage. At the same time, I knew thoughts of someone else were clouding my judgement. So I slowly stopped that communication so that any decisions I made were about me and my wife and our marriage, and not dreams of some greener grass elsewhere.

And yet that turned out to be harder than I thought because one of the huge factors that became apparent was how much fear I had. Fear for an unknown future. Fear of being alone. Fear of trying to date in my 40s. 

So I ended up more conflicted than ever, even though I think I knew in my heart that any hopes of a healthy marriage were gone. 

Through a series of events, I ended up in the same place as this other person and we met. There was nothing there. Whatever we had was gone. And that was okay. It actually felt good somehow. I struck up a weird friendship with someone else on that trip - a very strong attraction with someone else. So now I had gone from going a whole marriage without any real attraction to anyone else to finding two people in the space of a few months. Even though we brought that to a clear close and it's done and, like the first person, not a factor in what happens next, what I learned from this was hugely important.

One is that, on every level, I am clearly ready to meet other people. Something has awakened within me. I have no idea how that happened but it did. And if I continue to be married, I will just end up as a cheating husband and that's no good to anyone. 

The other thing is that, somehow, I've hit a point in my life where I'm actually more attractive to people than seemingly I was before. And that may seem like some sort of shallow, vain realisation but it turns out it's important to me because it removes a whole layer of fear. I'm okay with being alone. I can learn to live a new life by myself. And when I'm ready, I can date. And I'll do okay. I'm not doomed to be alone forever when I'm ready to find someone.

And so without these fears, the path was very clear. I'm bringing my marriage to a close and we're now separating. I'm still nervous for the future of course. But more than that, I'm excited.

In the short term, what's important now is going through this process in the best possible way. For my wife, for my kids and for myself. We only want the best for each other. It will be hard but we're going to be okay. 

 

[Batya33]

2 hours ago, Greg40s said:

In the short term, what's important now is going through this process in the best possible way. For my wife, for my kids and for myself. We only want the best for each other. It will be hard but we're going to be okay. 

I would put all the woe is me I am conflicted stuff aside for now -indulge in that later, work through that later -and focus on this sentence in that order of priority where you are last.  I'd cut to the basics and avoid thinking of it as any complicated "process" - write out baby steps to do as needed -keep it practical and grounded.  It's lovely you want what is best for each other but the main thing now is concrete steps that demonstrate to your wife and children that you are acting in their best interests and you will do the soul searching and existential stuff much later.  

I'm sorry you're struggling and as parents especially we don't have to be total martyrs but we so often have to put our kids first. My friend right now who has 3 kids under 11 is feverish on a couch, having cancelled all her clients for today with a spouse with late stage cancer and her mom living with her with a broken bone and the same virus and one kid sick. 

And she has to somehow soldier through this morning to get the other 2 kids to school even though as she told me she wishes she could focus on her therapy business and see her clients.  It's the exact same thing -she can't indulge in worrying about herself right now despite feeling ill and conflicted because she chose to be a parent.  I'm glad you have the perspective you do and you will act on it I'm sure in the best interests of your family.

[Greg40s]

2 hours ago, Batya33 said:

I would put all the woe is me I am conflicted stuff aside for now -indulge in that later, work through that later -and focus on this sentence in that order of priority where you are last.  I'd cut to the basics and avoid thinking of it as any complicated "process" - write out baby steps to do as needed -keep it practical and grounded.  It's lovely you want what is best for each other but the main thing now is concrete steps that demonstrate to your wife and children that you are acting in their best interests and you will do the soul searching and existential stuff much later. 

Yes, of course. This was really where I got to anyway. A level of soul searching was of crucial importance in advance so I had clarity on the decisions. But yes, now we're in the practical phase and looking after the kids is the top priority. 

[Wiseman2]

5 hours ago, Greg40s said:

I'm bringing my marriage to a close and we're now separating. I'm still nervous for the future of course. We only want the best for each other.

Have you both sought legal counsel or a mediator?

[Rose Mosse]

The only word of caution I have for you is to spend time reflecting during your separation and don’t make the same mistakes dating or picking partners out of loneliness. It’s one thing finding attraction in others and another matter altogether finding stability, love and respect in a long lasting relationship. Attracting anyone is easy. It’s the quality of that bond that makes it last and also your compatibility for the long term so be picky and take your time. 

I am sorry about the end of your marriage but also congratulations on ending what can’t be mended or recovered without continuing to be duplicitous or deceptive to your wife. 

[Greg40s]

16 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Have you both sought legal counsel or a mediator?

Not yet. I'm hoping this will be okay when we sort it all. I will do anything for my kids and my wife so they have what they need - I'm already trying to work my finances so they are secure. Similarly, my wife wants to make things work for me. At some point soon, we will need a legal separation agreement but, again, I hope that this will be something we can work through together. Obviously I can't predict how things will go in the future but, right now, we are a team on this. 

[Greg40s]

18 minutes ago, Rose Mosse said:

The only word of caution I have for you is to spend time reflecting during your separation and don’t make the same mistakes dating or picking partners out of loneliness. It’s one thing finding attraction in others and another matter altogether finding stability, love and respect in a long lasting relationship. Attracting anyone is easy. It’s the quality of that bond that makes it last and also your compatibility for the long term so be picky and take your time. 

I am sorry about the end of your marriage but also congratulations on ending what can’t be mended or recovered without continuing to be duplicitous or deceptive to your wife. 

Yes, this is exactly right. I think with the recent reassurances that, when it comes time to date, I won't instantly crash and burn, I am in no hurry whatsoever to date again. First order of business is looking after my kids and my wife. Then it's learning how to be okay alone while establishing a new family rhythm. And them somewhere down the line I can think about dating. I'm in no hurry.