How do I live with eternal regret?

[gypsybelle]

Dear all,

My heart feels like it weighs a tonne, and my mind is constantly straying to thoughts of regret. You see, I made a huge mistake when I left my boyfriend one year ago, but what I regret most of all is that when he begged me to return, I didn't go back to him straight away. I did eventually but by that time he had slept with someone else. I tried to forgive him, and moved back in to our joint home ( we had been together for 9 years). It was difficult and we had a rough journey, but on my side there was always hope... always hope until I discovered that he was still seeing this other woman. I couldn't stand it any longer and in March this year I moved out again. I have now met a lovely man- who is thoughtful, kind and loving.... but I can't help thinking of my ex. Every morning he is the first thing I think about. I miss him so much. Sometimes I contact him, and I know he still loves me. He was so hurt by me leaving the first time, he says that he only went with this other woman for revenge. I saw him this morning... and I ended up crying in front of him. He cried too and said that he still loved me. But he is still seeing her. He said that if i asked him to he would give her up and we could try again. I know in my heart of hearts that it won't work... too much water has passed under the bridge now, and besides I really want to give me and my new boyfriend a chance... My question is, how can I move on? and how can I stop comapring my life now to how it used to be ( in the good days) and how can I forget about my ex, when I know we could get back together if I wanted to? I do still love him, although I should hate him. The problem is that I remember the good times we had, and all the good things he did, rather than the bad ones.

It might not sound like iot, but really I do want to move on- but I don't know how.

Please can someone help me.

Thankyou

Amanda

[manr]

Nc. with ur ex. By talking to him its becoming harder and harder to move on If u keep talking to the ex then u have cheated ur bf the chance to make something wounderful with you. So i say nc. and he doesnt leave u alone then tell him plz dont talk to me i need space and im with someone.

[GettingOverIt]

I think you might want to sit down and seriously consider your feelings for this new man in your life... Just to be on the safe side, for both of you... Make sure you feel what you think you feel...

 

Now, as far as getting over the regret and the past relationship... That's hard... I would start with No Contact, if that is possible. And, it will be very, very hard... Trust me, I know... I am the king of breaking NC, even when *I* am the one who started NC.. But, it will make you stronger...

 

Another thing to try is to write down all the things you like and DONT like about your ex... For everything you write on the 'plus' side, come up with 2-3 things on the 'minus' side. If you run out of 'minus' things, then stop writing. There should always be more on the minus side. Keep that list, and refer to it, concentrating on the minus side for now. Yes, the good things will always be with you, most likely... But, you know what the heartaches were, what the minuses were...

 

If you can, force yourself to think about your new guy... I know, again that is very hard... But when you start to think of your ex, force your mind to think about your new guy, and to focus those energies on him and the future rather than the past... This is not easy, I know, and I am quite literally telling myself the same things I am telling you....

 

You will make it. You really will. And, life does get better, I swear...

[simon_uk]

My question is, how can I move on? and how can I stop comapring my life now to how it used to be ( in the good days) and how can I forget about my ex, when I know we could get back together if I wanted to? I do still love him, although I should hate him.

Amanda

 

Why exactly should you hate him Amanda? After all you left him and he 'begged' you back and you said NO. What is he supposed to do? Not get involved with anybody else? I am sure he really loved you and would have done anything to get back with you at the time as most dumpees would, but you turned your back. I don't see why you should hate him Amanda.

 

You have obviously let him know your feelings, if not then you should and then you need to go NC with him. I know how hard it can be to be with somebody when your heart is somewhere else but you have to leave the ball in his court once he is aware of how you feel. You say you could get back if you want so you really need to decide what you want and who you want it with.

 

Take Care Amanda and Good Luck

[gypsybelle]

Hi Simon,

You are right- I didn't go back to him straight away- thats what I regret. But I don't actually hate him for going with someone else, what I meant was that when I did go back, and we agreed to start a fresh, he continued to see this other woman, he did blatently lie about that, and I was under the impression that we were trying to make a go of things and move forward. There were other things aswell that also make up this point- and I don't mind about him seeing her now- as he told me today- but when we were together- in the full sense of the word- he was still seeing her- and thats one of the things I 'should' hate him for. As I said before though- I can't.

Anyway- just thought I would clarify that point.

Thanks for the NC advice- I will try it- but it will be hard- I have already text him earlier to apologise for upsetting him today.- He hasn't replied though.

Believe it or not- I really do want to stay with my new boyfriend- but 9 years with my ex is hard to shake- and the sadness just won't go away.

[simon_uk]

Hi Amanda

 

I understand now hun! You are right, that was unforgiveable. I also know how you are feeling because I am still madly in love with my ex and not contacting her at all is killing me. She is on holiday for two weeks now so I cant anyhow, which is a good thing. All i can suggest is just staying out of his way and not contacting him, it is the hardest thing in the world to do but you really do have to do it, really really. Look at it this way at least you have got somebody in your life who can ease the pain, others are not so fortunate or is that unfortunate??? lol I dont know but just enjoy your time with your new guy and try to forget at least for a little while.

 

Simon

[apollocreed71]

Honestly, if you were as happy or happier with you new man, you x would be history. I believe you were happier with your x, it sounds. you need to talk with you bf and figure out what you want to do.

[Dakota6560]

Gypsy, It sounds like quite a dilema. I just have one thing to say. "Follow your heart". I know in your mind you are torn between two guys who treat you great although one hurt in the past but if you can get past that and realize in life we make mistakes then you must go with whomever your heart truly belongs to. I always say that the greater the reward the greater the risk. What greater risk in life is true love? Please don't regret something you do or don't do ten years from now. Just close your eyes breath in and just try to let your heart lead you to the one true person you would be happiest with. I understand it is hard to think of someone you love sleeping with someone else but Love is much more than physical. It is spiritual, emotional and forever. Please be true to yourself and give whichever guy the chance to experience your heart, your whole heart. Goodluck