Alcohol ruined my relationship with my favorite human and myself.

[Thank You]

I lost my person because of my alcohol problem, plain and simple. This amazing, beautiful girl tried for 4 years to make me realize what I was doing and that I had a problem. I knew I had a problem but I was just numbing whatever I was trying to numb because deep down I don’t even know what it was I was drinking for, I remember one day she asked me why I drink and asked me if it was because I was bored and I didn’t really have an answer and told her yeah I think I am bored.

This girl walked into my life not to long after me breaking up with my previous girlfriend of about a year who I had worked with. During that previous relationship I was drinking, which the ex also used as a way to push apart towards the end of that relationship which I felt may have been more of a rebound/security for this girl and she ended up rekindling her relationship with her ex-boyfriend. This kind of hurt me as I never had been left or dumped before and wondered if she was using me as a body of comfort or really cared for me…so I was going through the notions of trying to get her back…she was set on her ex as that was all she knew.

My current “person” I will call her as we are not together then walked into my life as a transfer from another state into my work. She was pretty with blue eyes, red hair, and just bubbly and full of life. Over a few short weeks we started to mingle, smile, make each other laugh at work - it was great, it was what I needed to help me get my mind off of my ex.

It wasn’t long that I found out she was in a relationship and was not happy at all and being mentally abused, I hope it wasn’t physical but I never had the heart to ask as I didn’t want to bring up those bad memories. He was very narcissistic and wouldn’t let her have friends, wear shorts out to bars, tell her to come home after work all those things I never want to be. He ended up seeing messages that we would have and it was just a really bad situation for her that I felt so bad for and wanted to help because she was an amazing person.

She finally had the strength to leave one day while he was at work and literally had a moving company come and pack all of her stuff up to bring to a storage unit while she went and stayed with a friend.

She had her dog and two cats, the place she was staying did not allow her to have her cats so he would use the cats as leverage and scare her into thinking he was going to leave them outside or give them away.

Here I am starting to catch feelings for this girl, or start to like her to clear my mind and be happy. Being alone, I put out the offer that she could leave the cats at my house until she figured out her situation.

So she did take me up on that, and would come clean the cat litter after work on some days and we would hang out for a little cook dinner, and even pack leftover for lunch at work and then she would go back to her friends house.

While at the friends house her friends mom became kinda of rude and started asking for money way before she originally asked that it was due and stressing my person out. So not to long after, after we spent many nights hanging out doing puzzles, laughing just enjoying each others company I offered for her to come stay with me.

She did, mind you I did not have any other furniture in my guest room she we would sleep in the same bed and really enjoyed each others company and companionship.

Mind you, my ex still worked where we did and I would see her and try to talk to her and ask her what’s wrong, what did I do, all that stuff us desperate guys do. I knew this girl, and there was something bothering her and something going on, I would ask her what’s wrong and she would always reply with “I’m fine” and walk away — now when a girl says that they are not fine. So I would keep going at it day in and day out, and then she hit me with the, “it doesn’t matter - you have a new shiny red toy” referencing my person.

During this time I was so invested on trying to figure out why I wasn’t good enough trying to fill a void I was missing sight of what was in front of me and at home.

I would drink when I got home as she came home a little later than me, there would be nights I would be up, nights I would be passed out, and even nights where I let my emotions get the best of me and fight with my person and tell her that we were just friends and that my ex was the one (she really is not) - I don’t know if I was still hurt from being let go and in denial but to look back and know I said that really hurts me. My person is so good, and I have been in such a bad place I just let it all pass me by.

We would talk days after, I would apologize and then continue my bad habits. There was one night she saw me messaging my ex, again still caught up just trying to understand and this hurt her as well. I shouldn’t of been doing that at all, shouldn’t even of been a thought - but there I was bored on the couch, drunk, looking for closure and why I wasn’t good enough.

Time passed and things get better, by this point we have a the two cats, a dog she helped find for me as I always wanted one that we adopted and a new puppy because we had to put her old one down and I know how much that dog meant to her. The day we put her dog down we went to go look at new puppies because I knew how much that dog meant and I couldn’t picture her upset, we found the one we like and we had her not to long after when she was ready to go home.

There is basically a family of furbabies at the house now, and she really makes it feel like home.

My drinking just kept going, I started hiding bottles that she would find because I was ashamed and embarrassed of my actions and what she would say or think. This would go on for a couple years and she told me 6 months in I needed help and she still stuck by me and I still disappointed her. She never knew what she was coming home too; would I be up, would I be passed out - its not a good thing to look forward too after a day of work. Every night it felt like I was having 4-6 shots of vodka, I was hurting inside - I didn’t know why but that’s the only thing I can think of.

I wasn’t loving myself, she always said I have to love myself before anything - I never really understood what that meant. I was the one always showing love, helping people any way I could. I would take a bullet for this girl, she deserves life that much.

COVID came, she started working from home — I would continue these habits, trying to hide it, trying to cover up what I was doing. I hate myself for this.

She started doing Yoga and finding herself, and finding out how to love her self as she had her own issues growing up with her dad being an alcoholic and her not really feeling loved growing up. So she made peace with that during her Yoga teaching and I think that helped her realize and drive the nail in the coffin that I wasn’t loving myself, so how could I love her or anyone.

We talked after her finding bottles and how she couldn’t move up north and start a family with someone who had a drinking problem and I told her I know and that I would turn things around. Not long after she found more and left it on the counter for me to see. I knew I messed up and from then things got to the point where I was so embarrassed and ashamed I wouldn’t say much at home to see if she would talk and there would just be very silent nights.

I was losing my best friend, and it wasn’t a good feeling. It got to the point where I just asked what are we doing, we don’t talk, we’re not affectionate - what are we doing? That’s when we talked and we didn’t know if we were just better as friends…but in my mind I knew I fell in love with this girl, my family loved this girl, I need this girl in my life she balances me out.

After that talk, we basically decided that we are better as friends at this time and moment. I’m messed up mentally, emotionally, and just feel like this is my rock bottom. She suggested therapy as she has before, she’s always been right. I’ve learned that I have to love myself first before I can love anyone else. I can’t continue to hold her back from being great, she’s going places, she’s amazing. She tried to wake me up but I just couldn’t take hold of my own actions. Now understanding how toxic I was to not only her but myself I want her to be happy and I want her to thrive. It just puts a pain on me feeling resentment, regretful, depressed, sad, anxious, everything no one wants to feel.

She’s had interviews for jobs up north and is trying to explore those options, we currently still live together and we are cordial - I don’t want to be on bad terms with her. And I don’t want to kick her out, its hard to find places to live and she has a lot of stuff and animals here. I know when she finally does its going to kill me, the house will no longer feel like a home and I’ll go from 5 fur babies to 1. I love this girl, I messed up so bad, I plan to go to therapy but I want to ask her if she will come with me for my first session for support as Ive never done this before and scared, embarrassed, and just could use her friendship and support during my darkest hours.

Im here to ask for help on when she does finally leave, what do I do? How do I stay busy? How do I not think about her all day every day? I’ve cried multiple times every day, I did this to myself and I don’t know if I will ever get over the regret and how stupid I was. Will I be lonely forever? Yoga helped her come to peace and love herself, do I try yoga? Reading has helped a little, golf is a short get away, I used to love to cook but lost my passion in recent months. I know my story may have some holes in it but I am just using this as a way to get my feelings down and hope someone hears my story and lets me know I am not alone and that everything will be okay, because it will right?

I’m going to miss her so much. She was there for the passing of my grandma, step-father who was like my father who basically turned into a drunk when my grandma passed and left my mother alone because his health quickly deteriorated and all he wanted to do was drink and sleep…that took a toll on me, then not so long after my father died from colon cancer - and she was there for all of that - hardest times of my life, to not spend another holiday with her is going to crush me.

Thanks for reading, I don’t know what else to say at this point but that I lost my best friend - I wonder if she will ever think of me because I know I will and hope she is being the best version of her as I know she will. Man I love that girl. Alcohol ruined my life, I am 36 with no kids, a dog, house, and now no partner. I just see things as doubtful that I’ll have kids and make my mom a grandma which I know she wants so bad but I haven’t been able to deliver - and we even tried at times. The thought of being alone could do a lot of damage.

I want to think I’ll be okay. I am going to attempt therapy to try and channel my thoughts, as well as try to find activities to keep me busy and help meet new people and most importantly focus on sobriety.

Don't be like me, make sure your priorities are just that. I still want to fight for her because you're not supposed to leave people you love, and she feels like home.

[1a1a]

A different thought. Alcohol has allowed you to stand still and not work through things that have hurt you. 
 

Can you/will you grapple with your pain and do you want to keep standing still or is it time to move forward? 
 

What would/could you do with all that time you have previously spent drinking?

[Wiseman2]

The most important thing is commitment to sobriety. Don't go it alone.

That means support groups, rehab, whatever it takes. It also means rearranging your life and people around alcohol free living.

Get an evaluation from a physician for your physical and mental health. Make sure you don't have liver or heart damage. Review underlying and previously self-medicated mental health issues.

Ask for a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support and accountability.

[Rose Mosse]

Do you have family close by? How are you focusing on sobriety? Have you sought help and support? 

You’re placing a great deal of emphasis on this previous relationship but it wasn’t ideal either. I think she went overboard with animals to fill her own void. You’ve put her on a pedestal when the both of you had personal issues to work out. If she is moving out now then let her as it’s time she does. She enables your drinking by staying with you and giving you the false idea or fantasy that this is a home. It’s a good thing you both never had kids.

Yes, stay sober. Never ever touch a single drink again. You’re in pain realizing for the first time that you will need to stand on your own two feet, love yourself enough to make good choices from now on.

Cook, run, swim, dance, take up new hobbies, find interests that you enjoy. You also need to recognize that you have an addiction to alcohol which is a disease and find tangible means for support in your community. Don’t do it alone. Avoid jumping into relationships and swinging between extremes. You have a desire to help others. Help yourself first. Keep posting if it helps. 

[Kwothe28]

I dunno, to me you both dont look like you are ready for functioning relationship. She is attracted to chaos. She went from broken home with alcoholic dad to abusive ex, to you who is an alcoholic. And just tolerated you because she doesnt have a place to stay. Is she a Saint for tolerating you? Well, lots of others would just leave. But again, she cant leave anyway as you are her home and animal shelter so there is that. 

Then there is you. You are what my friend who owns a bar call "Person who shakes his hands until it drinks one small but strong drink in the morning". Full alcoholic. Unlike the people who can drink alcohol and not depend on it, you depend on alcohol to live. You need full treatment. Meaning doctor, meaning support groups, meaning AA, meaning everybody who can help. If you need her or any other friend to come with you, ask them. 

In order to start a functioning relationship, you need to be a functioning person. You cant depend on alcohol and let alcohol control your life. So first you need to kick that thing. Later, you can think about entering relationship. For now, just kick alcohol from your life. Forever. As for her, urge her to find that job and let her leave. You cant play family with her while she is just using you for animal shelter anymore. That needs to stop and you both need to go your own way.

[SooSad33]

16 hours ago, Thank You said:

Im here to ask for help on when she does finally leave, what do I do? How do I stay busy? How do I not think about her all day every day? I’ve cried multiple times every day, I did this to myself and I don’t know if I will ever get over the regret and how stupid I was. Will I be lonely forever? Yoga helped her come to peace and love herself, do I try yoga?

You need to find yourself... you need to work on yourself.

If you've realized you've been lost for some time.

You tend to YOURSELF.  Not what everyone else is doing.  Do what fits YOU.

You need some prof help, yes.  Look into doing AA meetings... yes, goto therapy to 'work through; all that's ailing you.

You do one day at a time.  Do not get involved again.  You've got way too much of a past re: women already 😕 .

Is time to focus on you only!

 

This is a really good point:

4 hours ago, Rose Mosse said:

ou’re placing a great deal of emphasis on this previous relationship but it wasn’t ideal either. I think she went overboard with animals to fill her own void. You’ve put her on a pedestal when the both of you had personal issues to work out. If she is moving out now then let her as it’s time she does. She enables your drinking by staying with you and giving you the false idea or fantasy that this is a home.

 

As is this:

2 hours ago, Kwothe28 said:

you both dont look like you are ready for functioning relationship. She is attracted to chaos. She went from broken home with alcoholic dad to abusive ex, to you who is an alcoholic. And just tolerated you because she doesnt have a place to stay. Is she a Saint for tolerating you? Well, lots of others would just leave. But again, she cant leave anyway as you are her home and animal shelter so there is that. 

 

Alcoholism itself IS a real challenge .... and that, you do need to get under control, for your own well being. ( My first ex was an alcy- yes, was all challenging) 😕 

Seriously... as mentioned, do you have a real buddy out there you can hang with and/or family nearby?

Once you get into AA, you will meet others like you... and IF you truly want to stop this, you can.. But it'll be a real battle.. Do NOT do it for anyone else but yourself!  Do it because YOU want to stop it. 

Yes, you can make changes.  Yes, you can succeed and change your life style- which helps with some kind of support.  But, in the end, is all up to you.

You do it one step at a time... So, no, you won't feel all better in a week... but in time, you can.

Look these things up.  Search about alcoholism, about healing, about grief - and talk to your doctor about finding a therapist, so you can 'work through' all of your issue's.  Believe me, you will feel better after a bit of work, as this is YOUR GOAL.  IF you want changes, then make them.