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Not sure... tw//abuse


Roxiee
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So, I know it sounds silly but I get a sexual feeling sometimes towards my boyfriend, but we aren't ready to have sex or do sexuak things. I feel bad if I tell him, but I know we're not emotionally ready to do it. I feel like I'm ruining our relationship, because I got abused recently, and I'm constantly getting check ups etc, talking to the police and I feel like I'm ruining our relationship because I'm a bad person, I'm not sure I'm sorry.

Roxie 

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3 hours ago, East4 said:

Roxiee, if you have been recently in the throes of abuse, and dealing with the aftermath (police, medical examinations), you are certainly no in the right headspace to start a new relationship. You are in a cloud of confusion and turmoil from the abuse and these are very dangerous times to start a new relationship, because you will most probably chose another abusive man. You are vulnerable right now and it shows, even when you write.

There are men out there that will pick up on your vulnerability and exploit it. do not start any relationship and do not let anybody pressure you for sex. From what you write (and your other threat) it seems that your "boyfriend" is already pressuring you to put out. Not very nice. And I see, as a typical victim of abuse, you blame yourself, saying that you are a bad person. You are not a bad person, you are hurt and vulnerable person. 

So, focus on dealing with the police procedure and medical check ups. Stronly encourage you to do therapy. Starting a relationship now is a very bad idea. You need supporting friends and psuchological aid, not another romance that will turn into a disaster and only add to your current problems.

Courage.

Hello,

Thank you, I understand. I'll take this into consideration thank you.

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Roxiee... my heart is breaking for you.  I know you need someone to hold you close in a non romantic way and show you how valuable you are... and how loved you are.  This is the job of a parent that is supposed to carry you forward with grace (I can say this as I was raised by wolves).  Giving up your body in exchange for a boy's affections will further thrust you into the throes of abuse.  I speak from experience.  My first time was gross and humiliating, not a memory I want to share unless it could help someone else avoid it.

Please please please get thyself to someone trustworthy.  A guidance counselor, a therapist if it's possible, any friend's friendly big sister, female parent, grandmother, even a friendly female pastor at a local church.  Even a nice female doctor or nurse.  An online support group... whatever you do, please don't succumb to this non supportive boy's demands. 

YOU DESERVE BETTER.  YOU DESERVE EVERYTHING YOUR HEART DESIRES.  YOU ARE WORTHY.

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I didn't even try to have sex until I was married, in my mid-30s.  Watching out for your own mental/emotional wellbeing is good for you (and that's good enough!).  It's also good for all your relationships. 

Pushing ahead and doing something you're not happy with or that isn't a confident choice may seem like it's a gift to him or a boost to the relationship, but the anxiety, resentment, regret, etc. that follows eats a way at a relationship far worse and far longer than sex can compensate for.

Don't sweat it, don't feel guilty.  If he's making you feel guilty or pressured, he might not be a cruel monster but it does indicate that he's letting his greed get the best of him (and that he's not mature or wise enough to know the importance of protecting the wellbeing of the people loves, even if it's not exactly what he wants.)

 

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On 1/15/2022 at 10:35 PM, spinstermanquee said:

Roxiee... my heart is breaking for you.  I know you need someone to hold you close in a non romantic way and show you how valuable you are... and how loved you are.  This is the job of a parent that is supposed to carry you forward with grace (I can say this as I was raised by wolves).  Giving up your body in exchange for a boy's affections will further thrust you into the throes of abuse.  I speak from experience.  My first time was gross and humiliating, not a memory I want to share unless it could help someone else avoid it.

Please please please get thyself to someone trustworthy.  A guidance counselor, a therapist if it's possible, any friend's friendly big sister, female parent, grandmother, even a friendly female pastor at a local church.  Even a nice female doctor or nurse.  An online support group... whatever you do, please don't succumb to this non supportive boy's demands. 

YOU DESERVE BETTER.  YOU DESERVE EVERYTHING YOUR HEART DESIRES.  YOU ARE WORTHY.

Thank you. I am now crying because this is so kind. Omg thank you 😭😭

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On 1/16/2022 at 2:05 AM, ReadTreadRedemption said:

I didn't even try to have sex until I was married, in my mid-30s.  Watching out for your own mental/emotional wellbeing is good for you (and that's good enough!).  It's also good for all your relationships. 

Pushing ahead and doing something you're not happy with or that isn't a confident choice may seem like it's a gift to him or a boost to the relationship, but the anxiety, resentment, regret, etc. that follows eats a way at a relationship far worse and far longer than sex can compensate for.

Don't sweat it, don't feel guilty.  If he's making you feel guilty or pressured, he might not be a cruel monster but it does indicate that he's letting his greed get the best of him (and that he's not mature or wise enough to know the importance of protecting the wellbeing of the people loves, even if it's not exactly what he wants.)

 

Yeah, I told him I don't want sex I'm not ready, but he said oh so if I forced you what would you do, so I'm like I walked away and cried and cut due to old [email protected] situations. I don't know what to do anymore and it's hurting me.

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10 minutes ago, Roxiee said:

Yeah, I told him I don't want sex I'm not ready, but he said oh so if I forced you what would you do, so I'm like I walked away and cried and cut due to old [email protected] situations. I don't know what to do anymore and it's hurting me.

If you are self harming, please consult a professional. This is serious.

If you have a trusted friend, consider confiding in them too.

There's no shame in asking for help when you need it. I did.

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3 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

If you are self harming, please consult a professional. This is serious.

If you have a trusted friend, consider confiding in them too.

There's no shame in asking for help when you need it. I did.

I will, just it's hard to tell someone you're wanting to self harm as others need help more then you.

I feel like my self harm isn't serious, but maybe it is

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13 minutes ago, Roxiee said:

I will, just it's hard to tell someone you're wanting to self harm as others need help more then you.

I feel like my self harm isn't serious, but maybe it is

Self harm is always serious.

And just because someone else needs help doesn't mean you don't.

I had debilitating anxiety and depression. Was I the worst case ever? No, I wasn't. But my conditions were harming me. I was struggling. So I asked for help, got it and I am much, much better today.

Please look into professional help. You will be very glad you did as I'm sure you're not enjoying feeling the way you currently do.

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6 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Self harm is always serious.

And just because someone else needs help doesn't mean you don't.

I had debilitating anxiety and depression. Was I the worst case ever? No, I wasn't. But my conditions were harming me. I was struggling. So I asked for help, got it and I am much, much better today.

Please look into professional help. You will be very glad you did as I'm sure you're not enjoying feeling the way you currently do.

I dislike how I'm feeling, cutting every night it's really not healthy, it's a downer on my mental health and my physical health. I will look into it.

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Please get thyself to a responsible loving and trustworthy adult and / or organization immediately.  Every community, no matter how sparse, has SOME TYPE OF SUPPORT for folks that don't have a built in support system and need help establishing one.  No shame in that!   boltnrun ^^^ has provided you with nationwide resources (thank you boltnrun).  You seemed to have responded to some of the suggestions I made earlier, which still stand.  I hope you choose to utilize the great wide variety of choices proposed to you by this community, we do care and there is a LOT of powerful and wise experience amongst our elders 😉  Take advantage

 

Hugs((( )))

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On 1/18/2022 at 11:06 PM, spinstermanquee said:

Please get thyself to a responsible loving and trustworthy adult and / or organization immediately.  Every community, no matter how sparse, has SOME TYPE OF SUPPORT for folks that don't have a built in support system and need help establishing one.  No shame in that!   boltnrun ^^^ has provided you with nationwide resources (thank you boltnrun).  You seemed to have responded to some of the suggestions I made earlier, which still stand.  I hope you choose to utilize the great wide variety of choices proposed to you by this community, we do care and there is a LOT of powerful and wise experience amongst our elders 😉  Take advantage

 

Hugs((( )))

Thank you, I did get support! How are you?

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  • 2 weeks later...
  • 4 weeks later...

Not been doing great, things have happened I'll explain here- it's to do with him... 

I have had to put up with abuse and rape from him for 6 years.

 

I have had it rough with him, I'm working with the police from today to get a order against him so that he cannot message me, come to my mother's home, see our daughter without supervision, as I do not trust him with her, she's fine it's him I honestly don't know what he'd do to her, especially with what he did to me, raped me pushed me, hit me etc so I have to protect her for now until I get that restraining order against him she isn't seeing her dad.

 

This is hard for me to write as I spent 2 and half hours with police I talked about everything he did to me over the 6 years I was with him, it was hard because the police officers were male and I was worried even though my mom was in the other room that they'd hurt me but I know they won't, silly me for over thinking.

 

But, they have recommended that if I ever see him coming to my mothers house that I dial 999, and that I go to a room and lock myself in their with my mom and dog and daughter etc, because he's a dangerous man, but the police are working fast on this. I gave them the video recordings of him forcing himself on me and him hurting me, which breaks my heart because I was worth nothing in those moments and I'm worth nothing to anyone anymore due to what happened to me.. which kills me even more.

 

Yes you all know I have a 5 year old daughter, she's safe but yes I was 19 turning 20 when I had her but I wasn't planning on having a child young but he raped me after being together for a year, I have always said I'm never giving up a child never ever because I've been in Foster care until I was 18 for 15 years, and I could never let my child I have inside of me go through that, so I kept her and he has raped me ever since and abused me ever since.

 

But who's the winner? In all this, I know I feel like -crap- at times and that I feel like ugh I can't do this anymore but I'm winning I'm fighting for me and my daughter, I honestly am so proud ! That, I'm not only protecting me, and my daughter but I'm protecting my mom and daughter, and other women out there from thus man who could hurt them which I don't want so putting him behind bars is what he needs for hurting and attacking me!

 

@spinstermanquee @smackie9 I'm okay

 

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So glad to see you reported him and are making strong decisions to protect yourself and those close to you.

That's freaking awesome. Good for you.

Hope you have access to caring counseling to help you through.

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