Best-friend cut me off because she wanted to get to know someone else

[Adam1738]

Hi. So this is a bit of a complex situation. I had a friend who I was really close to and she asked me to be her boyfriend but I didn't know what I wanted at the time so I said I'm not sure what I really want in life and this friendship means too much to just turn it into a relationship. She said she'd wait and she's happy just being friends, I said that's okay but there's no guarantees, if she finds someone else that's fine, we're friends. So we'd been friends for 4 years now, (with one major trauma issue which affected both of us but we stayed friends) she still liked me and I was ready to actually be in a relationship with her because we were best friends and I'd grown to see her in a romantic sense (but that's besides the point). This summer we spoke less as I was struggling with that previous trauma. She felt she wasn't able to help so didn't contact to even so how I was but I think she was struggling herself with workload (although she didn't say this). We spoke a bit in the autumn, still good friends. But then when we were trying to organise something for one of our birthdays she originally said she was down and then suddenly said I'd like to get to know someone else. I can't have you in my life after feeling how I felt. That was like a dagger to my heart losing my best friend. We had a call that night and she said "this is it". We used to talk all the time but all of sudden she went so cold, I don't know what's happened. Since then, I've been broken and emotional and we spoke a little but she wanted to end it forever and ended up blocking. My best-friend, one of the kindest and most caring people I know just did that so cold-heartedly and it hurts me every single day.

Does anyone have any thoughts on this? I'm really struggling on a mental health level. I don't understand how someone as caring as her could do this to me when she was happy being friends. My only thought is maybe she's struggling with her mental health and is pushing me away, like I've only ever looked out for her and helped her whenever I can (as she would do the same) but she has done this to me. Can someone please try to help and how do I move on from this?

[Andrina]

If I'd been a friend of hers, I would've given her the very advice she's decided on. She does not a have a cold heart. Male/female extremely close friendships like this usually always have an expiration date for good reason. With all that time and energy poured into unrequited love, it prevents the person from bonding with a prospective partner.

When she gets a bf, if you two stayed friends, it wouldn't be wise for her to hang out with a guy she wanted more from. I know I would end things with a guy if I found out he was hanging out with a "best friend" he had wanted to be his girlfriend.

I know it's hard to lose a fan and confidante. It's reality though, that not every friendship you have will last a lifetime. That's the very reason I've never once called anyone my best friend, even though I have a few friends I've retained friendships with since I was 12 and 14 years old.

How to move on? Never keep all your eggs in one basket. Keep up effort with more than one friend, develop a new hobby so you can hang out with people with the same interests, and in that way, if one person orbits away from you, there'll always be others around to meet your social needs.

She wouldn't think of it as doing something to you. She thinks of it as having her own back, because she should. She's seeking happiness and this is how she will achieve it.

[Adam1738]

I understand. I guess it's a lesson learned if nothing else, I can't have a female friend anywhere near that close again and not be with her. I don't have that many close friends but she was my most important friend. I'd make so many sacrifices on my end to help her out as would she but I guess she feels she can't now and your point makes sense. It doesn't help with the hurt but I can understand at least which should help in the long run so thank you for that.

We spoke about this once and we said we would take a step back and just go to casual friends, not necessarily hanging out but just talking every now and then and being there for one another if we need each other. Because I wouldn't mess up her relationship, I just want her to be happy but I guess this is what makes her happy and to do she has to get rid of me...

But cutting it completely kills me, I guess how she feels now is different and you make a good point. It's going to be hard because she was literally my twin in so many aspects. I don't think I would've been able to do the same I would've said we would have to take a step back and just be casual friends (if that's what the she had wanted because I wouldn't want to her them in taking away the friendship from them). But maybe that's just how much the friendship meant to me and of course now I saw her in another sense but it is what it is I guess...

Thank you for your response I didn't see it like that before.

25 minutes ago, Andrina said:

If I'd been a friend of hers, I would've given her the very advice she's decided on. She does not a have a cold heart. Male/female extremely close friendships like this usually always have an expiration date for good reason. With all that time and energy poured into unrequited love, it prevents the person from bonding with a prospective partner.

When she gets a bf, if you two stayed friends, it wouldn't be wise for her to hang out with a guy she wanted more from. I know I would end things with a guy if I found out he was hanging out with a "best friend" he had wanted to be his girlfriend.

I know it's hard to lose a fan and confidante. It's reality though, that not every friendship you have will last a lifetime. That's the very reason I've never once called anyone my best friend, even though I have a few friends I've retained friendships with since I was 12 and 14 years old.

How to move on? Never keep all your eggs in one basket. Keep up effort with more than one friend, develop a new hobby so you can hang out with people with the same interests, and in that way, if one person orbits away from you, there'll always be others around to meet your social needs.

She wouldn't think of it as doing something to you. She thinks of it as having her own back, because she should. She's seeking happiness and this is how she will achieve it.

 

[Kwothe28]

Well, its not really that complex. After years of keeping her in friendzone, she is finally ready to try with somebody else. She cant wait for you forever until you decide if you want her romantically or not, so she moved on. And being that you would only create a problems for her given that she had or maybe even has feelings for you, she just cut all ties. So she can have a clear start and give that somebody else a chance.

Sorry, I know its very bad for you. But you would have to understand where she is coming from. And that friendship with you would just cause more bad then good for her in the long run. Yes, she didnt think how it would affect you. But she did what is the best solution for her at this time. And you would have to understand that and move on with your life without her. 

[Adam1738]

I couldn't see it like that before sorry. I understand now. It's just we discussed all these things and I thought we would remain as something (like I was happy to take a step back and she knows I would never interfere) or even have contact every few months over message to see how one another is doing on a superficial level. But I see where you're coming from and it makes sense to me now.

It's really hard to think I may never speak to her again, it has messed up my mental health and I feel really low. I guess she has to look after herself. I do wish she had told me her thought process like you guys have, that would've helped a lot as I can understand things a lot better now. Thank you for that explanation.

[Rose Mosse]

Like Andrina mentioned, it’s a good idea to have several friends you can trust and rely on. You mentioned a past trauma you’re dealing with as well. Do you have access to counselling? 

It seems you were both leaning very heavily on one another and she was ready to move on. It’s common for friendships to evolve and people to outgrow one another or move through different phases of life. 

From a mental health perspective, seek counselling to deal with your issues or trauma. Bonding over problems can only go so far and it’s never that healthy. Cultivate hobbies that you can feel motivated about and give your life meaning. Nurture other friendships and get to know new people.

[Wiseman2]

8 hours ago, Adam1738 said:

It's really hard to think I may never speak to her again, it has messed up my mental health and I feel really low. I guess she 

Sorry this happened. She wanted a BF and you rejected her.

Since you rejected her, she's free to do what's right for her and pursue her happiness.

As far as your mental health, she's not responsible for that. You are.

See your physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health and ask for a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support.

She's right to delete and block you, since she needs to move forward and be happy. She can't put her life on hold because you didn't want a relationship.

[Adam1738]

7 hours ago, Rose Mosse said:

Like Andrina mentioned, it’s a good idea to have several friends you can trust and rely on. You mentioned a past trauma you’re dealing with as well. Do you have access to counselling? 

It seems you were both leaning very heavily on one another and she was ready to move on. It’s common for friendships to evolve and people to outgrow one another or move through different phases of life. 

From a mental health perspective, seek counselling to deal with your issues or trauma. Bonding over problems can only go so far and it’s never that healthy. Cultivate hobbies that you can feel motivated about and give your life meaning. Nurture other friendships and get to know new people.

I do have a few friends I can trust but not many at that level. I'm seeking counselling to help me with this. The trauma pain seems to have gone away I think I was in a self-sabotaging depressive state in the summer which caused the past trauma to come back up at a time when I really didn't want it to. I think I've dealt with that now and I can accept it happened. We did lean very heavily on one another and were always there to support one another but I guess she has moved on which I can understand.

Thank you for your response. Everyone's responses have helped, I understand things a lot better now. 

[Adam1738]

2 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this happened. She wanted a BF and you rejected her.

Since you rejected her, she's free to do what's right for her and pursue her happiness.

As far as your mental health, she's not responsible for that. You are.

See your physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health and ask for a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support.

She's right to delete and block you, since she needs to move forward and be happy. She can't put her life on hold because you didn't want a relationship.

I understand. I thought we could've been friends because we had such a deep bond and connection but I get that she feels she can't have that anymore and wants something new. As you said she has to look after her own happiness. I guess there's a lot of lessons to be learned from this.