Going around in circles

[John E]

Hey- thoughts welcome 

Basically, I am 31 and sick of feeling like nothing will change. I have never had any form of romantic relationship before (not even a kiss) and am scared that I will never will. Having a mild speech impediment and other minor disabilities, have always had a thing about being different and not accepted but I do have confidence in who I am as a person and in many ways, things are going well for me. Ironically I think I would make a good partner because I like to think I have a good degree of emotional intelligence and resilience. I am also confident at speaking to people (including girls), and people say I have a good personality.

I have been in dating sites for a few years now (including paid for ones) and apart from a few acceptations, just get blanked or blocked. I know its a superficial game and someone would not go for me based on looks but its so hard not to feel it proves that girls are not attracted to me in a romantic way. I also try to meet people in real life by going to social events etc but everyone I like is with someone.

I think its just since I have hit 30, I worry that even if someone was potentially interested in me, since I don't have relationship 'experience', this would count against me.

I know there are things which I need to do to improve myself and I plan to get healthier and fitter in 2022 but it feels like no matter how hard I try it will never happen for me.

 

John 

[boltnrun]

What do you do to ensure you will have something interesting to offer women?  Are you involved in any interesting activities?  What are your hobbies, skills or talents?

To give you an example, I love sports (especially football and car racing), I love to read, I go hiking, I like to travel and learn about history, I love to cook and I'm currently trying to do some crafts.  I like to discuss sports, current events and restaurants and food.  I'm willing to try almost any new food and would go to almost any sporting event as a spectator.  I am no beauty queen but I keep myself relatively fit and make an effort daily to be neat and presentable. When I go out in public I fix myself up to look well put together with my hair styled and a nice outfit.

What things do you feel you need to "improve"?

BTW, look around.  Many, many couples are made up of people who are not conventionally attractive.  Most of us are average looking.  It's all in how you present yourself and what you bring to the table.

[John E]

Hey, thanks for the words

I don't tend to have hobbies as such but I love things like music, going to the movies and I want to travel more. As I said too, I am trying to meet people through social groups etc.

I guess its more about how people will perceive me. Due to my speech being a bit different, some people may assume things about me without getting to know me. That is why I thought internet dating could be good for me- talk to someone first over the net and then if there is a connection, meet in person with a chance to explain before hand. But 99% of the time I just get blocked or ghosted.

[boltnrun]

So, I'm going to ask this again:

23 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

What do you do to ensure you will have something interesting to offer women?

What do you do for work?  What do you do when you're not working?  What social groups have you joined and what do you do to participate in these groups?

If you do nothing but work and then go home and listen to music or watch a movie, that isn't going to seem appealing to women.

How does your dating profile look?  Do you list things you're interested in?  Or do you just have a very generic profile that states you're looking to meet a nice woman?

People have all sorts of choices.  This is why it's important to have something to offer that makes you stand out from the others, regardless of your appearance or speech differences.

BTW, you can't make a "connection" over the internet.  You can't "connect" with words on a screen.  Connections are made in person, which is why it's key to have an interesting and engaging life and dating site profile.

 

[John E]

I get your point - Ive recently finished a part time masters on top of my full time job (I work in Public policy) so have not had much spare time beyond that. The social groups are through meetup- not specific to an activity. 

Completely agree with you about internet dating- will only be an introduction until you meet in person 

Food for thought - thankyou 🙂 

[Batya33]

3 minutes ago, John E said:

I get your point - Ive recently finished a part time masters on top of my full time job (I work in Public policy) so have not had much spare time beyond that. The social groups are through meetup- not specific to an activity. 

Completely agree with you about internet dating- will only be an introduction until you meet in person 

Food for thought - thankyou 🙂 

How about volunteering with children with special needs?  Even if you don't meet single women you will meet people who are there to help people and through them you can network, meet others, etc all in a natural and comfortable environment.

[John E]

3 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

How about volunteering with children with special needs?  Even if you don't meet single women you will meet people who are there to help people and through them you can network, meet others, etc all in a natural and comfortable environment.

Yes maybe- or I am involved in some political groups- had to find time though on top of a full time job 

[Batya33]

4 minutes ago, John E said:

Yes maybe- or I am involved in some political groups- had to find time though on top of a full time job 

Yes I also worked more than full time when I was husband hunting lol.  I get it.  It's hard to make the time.  And to me was so totally worth it (not just because I found my husband but volunteering was a great way to make a contribution)

[boltnrun]

31 minutes ago, John E said:

Yes maybe- or I am involved in some political groups- had to find time though on top of a full time job 

Most volunteer agencies only ask for a couple of hours per week or even per month.

Do you like animals?  Perhaps volunteering for a pet fostering or rescue agency would be a good idea.  Lots of women will be there.  Or taking a cooking class, again, lots of women there.

[DancingFool]

I think your first step is to stop worrying about how people will judge your speech impediment. Those who will judge you harshly aren't your people or your problem. Those who will look past it - what will they see? Someone interesting? Someone fun? Someone kind? Someone they can connect with?

Relationships are not about being perfect or looking a certain way, it's all about connecting with people. The more genuine you are, the easier it will be to connect. So no, don't volunteer if that's not your thing. Do figure out what is your thing or things and pursue that because that's where you'll meet like minded women and it's way easier to connect with someone who is like minded than some randos online.

Basically, once you let go and shine through beyond your speech impediment, others will look beyond it too. If you get stuck on it and allow it to stop you from pursuing things, connecting, finding your passions, etc.... then you will stay stuck. Stop thinking of yourself as Mr. SpeechImpediment and start thinking well beyond that in terms of who you are as a person and let those aspects of yourself loose because that's when you'll attract the person who values all of you, aka the right match.

[Rose Mosse]

3 hours ago, John E said:

no matter how hard I try it will never happen for me.

John, this is a downer and not very attractive. As the others mentioned, focus on your good qualities and all that you do have in your life. Let go of the inequalities or things that you don't feel you have in comparison to others, whether it's about speech or your looks or what you do in your free time. I know a lot of people who work, come home and lead quiet and very simple lives. They have also found wonderful relationships and individuals to try new things with. 

You may be more of a catch than you know and just aren't meeting the right type of person who appreciates who you are. 

[Batya33]

I also recommend swing or salsa dancing classes.

[smackie9]

5 hours ago, John E said:

Hey- thoughts welcome 

Basically, I am 31 and sick of feeling like nothing will change. I have never had any form of romantic relationship before (not even a kiss) and am scared that I will never will. Having a mild speech impediment and other minor disabilities, have always had a thing about being different and not accepted but I do have confidence in who I am as a person and in many ways, things are going well for me. Ironically I think I would make a good partner because I like to think I have a good degree of emotional intelligence and resilience. I am also confident at speaking to people (including girls), and people say I have a good personality.

I have been in dating sites for a few years now (including paid for ones) and apart from a few acceptations, just get blanked or blocked. I know its a superficial game and someone would not go for me based on looks but its so hard not to feel it proves that girls are not attracted to me in a romantic way. I also try to meet people in real life by going to social events etc but everyone I like is with someone.

I think its just since I have hit 30, I worry that even if someone was potentially interested in me, since I don't have relationship 'experience', this would count against me.

I know there are things which I need to do to improve myself and I plan to get healthier and fitter in 2022 but it feels like no matter how hard I try it will never happen for me.

 

John 

There are dating sites for people who have different disabilities.

[John E]

Thanks everyone- I appreciate all the feedback. I think my main problem has been that I have been putting all my effort into internet dating but I know I need to extend my sights on other opportunities. Also don't worry I am a far more positive post than that sounded 🙂