Help in overcoming bitterness

[Jibralta]

On 12/8/2021 at 12:35 PM, Fluffymomo said:

I didn’t expect him would just stop giving projects to me and actively participate in the recruitment of my “replacement “ vs when I first came back, he always tried to pull me into important projects and sometimes even go around my managers for me to have a chance to shine in front of the higher ups.

You were way too impressed with this guy and his 'c-suite' crap. This was a married man with kids who flirted openly with women in the office. Thank your lucky stars that this creeper no longer sets his sights on you.

[itsallgrand]

1 hour ago, Jibralta said:

You were way too impressed with this guy and his 'c-suite' crap. This was a married man with kids who flirted openly with women in the office. Thank your lucky stars that this creeper no longer sets his sights on you.

Yeah, it seems he just throws attention out where he think it might stick. Just an ego thing. And you fell for it.  And you were feeding into it. If you thought coworkers don't notice these kinds of things, they do. It doesn't matter about the plant, they already know you were his "pet" for a time. It seriously damages your credibility to those who value integrity and professionalism when you do that. 

 

[Fluffymomo]

7 hours ago, catfeeder said:

First step in liberation from bitterness is Self kindness.

Objectively, I don't view anything you've believed or done as 'stupid'.

You are a bright woman who worked in a culture of high toxicity, and you suffered a devastating loss, for which my heart goes out to you.

You responded to the loss with a move toward self-preservation by removing yourself from the toxic soup.

The toxic boss, who not-so-incidentally created or sustained this culture, was the only one to even acknowledge your loss, and he offered overtures of kindness from a position of authority.

When you recognized that this created a different kind of toxicity for you and operated once again out of self-preservation, the guy pulled back his attention and took his offers of help off the table.

What we don't know is, were those offers merely over-compensation in the form of some view of himself as a 'savior' that he would have forgotten about anyway, or was he making overtures to lure you sexually, only to drop you once he recognized that he set himself up for legal trouble?

Either way, HE is beside the point--the place was full of bullies, one of which was him.

While no doubt such a place is traumatic for anyone, it's especially no place for one who is grieving.

None of this makes you 'stupid,' it makes you smart and resilient for getting your Self OUT of there.

Hold your head high, and keep writing more if it helps.

Most of us encounter at least one "DON'T" model of awful companies at some point in our lives. We can torture ourselves about it, or we can take pride in our ability to recognize such a culture and GET OUT OF THERE.

I vote for you to adopt pride rather than bitterness. Which do you believe would serve you better?

Head high.

 

 

Thank you and thank you again for your advices.

This weekend I happened to come across a Hulu series “ cruel summer”. Without spoiling the plot, I had to say it paints a great example of the textbook “ Grooming”. Opening up a vulnerability to gain trust, filling a need, showering in complements, testing the boundaries etc.. I had to say I recognize a lot of the similarities in my experience.

This quote from the show really struck me tonight ..

“He saw your unfulfilled need to confide in someone, then positioned himself as the singular person to fulfill that need,” she says. “Groomers pose as saviors. When in reality, they’re predators.”

Looking back, I do feel like he’s grooming me and making me feel like a willing participant when in reality he exploited my vulnerability at my weakest moment. When my feelings for him were pretty obvious, he frequented my desk even more often. He only backed off when I started to act very frosty towards him. And given by how suddenly he stopped all his help and quickly “ dropped me” after I begin distance from him.. 

I am just happy that I will be out of there soon and didn’t go far into to make decisions that I will regret forever. I think every thing happens for a reason and let this be a learning lesson for me.

[Fluffymomo]

7 hours ago, Jibralta said:

You were way too impressed with this guy and his 'c-suite' crap. This was a married man with kids who flirted openly with women in the office. Thank your lucky stars that this creeper no longer sets his sights on you.

Well i don’t think I was impressed by the “ C-suite” title but more for an authority figure show kindness when no one else at my work gave a ***. I was vulnerable and he took advantage of it..

This quote from the show I watched summarize the best.

“He saw your unfulfilled need to confide in someone, then positioned himself as the singular person to fulfill that need,” she says. “Groomers pose as saviors. When in reality, they’re predators.”

 

[Batya33]

Above you said you took full responsibility for your choices and actions.  I would continue to make that the default mindset for the sake of your personal growth and choices while acknowledging that he also was a bully.  There can be both -I see you trying to find ways to place blame on him taking advantage of you.  Which he did in part. And in part you had eyes wide open.

There's a huge huge difference in focusing on "C Suite" and repeating that label over and over and, on the other hand, finding a colleague with more experience than you, more professional knowledge, who can mentor you and who you can learn from. 

This person might not be C Suite and yet you might connect with this person - on a professional level -far more than someone who is C SUITE -in neon lights -which is the impression you keep giving -this star struck damsel in distress.  That's a false impression you're telling yourself.  It's hyperbole. 

It's true he was powerful and likely wealthy -that doesn't make him the right mentor for you.  It may make him the right person to help you advance -because in a bad work environment that kind of game and manipulation can work on both sides -but advancing is not the same as learning, advancing is not the same as professional growth.  And in fact as you see it may sabotage it. 

I don't think you looked up to him for the right reasons in a professional or personal context.  Consider this next time as far as your motivations and tolerance of unprofessional behavior.

[Wiseman2]

Enjoy your new job. The victim mindset and crushes at work are something to avoid in the future.

See your physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health. Talk about your greif, "dark place,etc.

Ask for a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support and to help you develop better coping skills and replace self-defeating thoughts and behaviors with productive confident thoughts and behaviors.