Single father living with his parents?

[Anonymous]

1 hour ago, Guest Anonymous said:

It's only 2 dates and you don't seem to have much in common with him.

He's a middle aged windowed father and you and your friends seem to act like inexperienced teens.

I'm not sure what made you think I don't have much in common with him? Because I haven't specified anything about our times together. 

No, I don't have my own place. I live with family because I recently finished my medical board exams and I'm lucky enough to have no debts. He hasn't held that against me. 

I initially had no issues with him living with his parents. I'd probably do the same if I had a kid. He's been widowed for over 5 years. 

 

[Anonymous]

50 minutes ago, Guest Anonymous said:

I don't have my own place. I live with family 

I initially had no issues with him living with his parents. . He's been widowed for over 5 years. 

Ok. Two grown adults who live with parents can make dating and privacy a challenge. 

It's understandable he may want a family situation for his kids to grow up in. 

After 2 dates how interested is he in seeing you again? 

[Lambert]

I actually think it's nice to have the generations under one roof. The children lost their mother. They need more than just dad and a nanny.

This is easily different than a dead beat living and sponging off his parents.

Your friends sound like ***. Where's the empathy and understanding? 

If you like him, you go for it. I was happy in a big age gap relationship (14 years difference) until I wasn't. Our break up was not age related.

The bigger question for yourself is, do you want a ready made family?

I don't have any kids And I rarely date guys with kids. I think we're just on different wave lengths.  They are focused on their kids, as they should be. 

I have more freedom, financially and my time is my own.  I know on paper, say it's not a big deal. but I have found in practice, it really is. For parents that their children are really their identity, my lifestyle is way out of their comfort zone. (this is my experience not saying it's true of all parents.)

Also in your situation how do you feel about his parents being around all the time?  You'd be stepping in to their dynamic and adjusting to them. At least to start, because the kids need stability. 

It's a lot on you.  And I imagine his troubles dating are not from living with his parents.  that's just his life in the simplest terms. The whole situation is much more involved. 

So are your friends being judgy or have they just thought things through more because they're on the outside and trying to point out how different this life is than yours? 

When you involve children you have to tread lightly. As I said the most important thing is their stability and poor things, already lost their mom. 

I think you could be happy with him and his family, but it really depends... 

[mical]

No issue at all.

When I was growing up and my grandmother became a widow, my parents got a bigger house with a “granny suite”  aka separate flat part of the house..

Before she used to live on her own but a burglar broke into her house when she was home alone and it traumatized her for a while. We let her keep our dog and got new security doors, but wasn’t enough for her to feel safe on her own..

It was amazing having my grandmother around so close growing up. She had her own separate entry and everything so there was privacy...

I look up to my father for being so kind and supportive towards his mother.

 

 

[DancingFool]

15 hours ago, Guest Anonymous said:

The more my friend mentions it, the more I'm like, maybe I am way out of his league and he deserves someone better? He's conventionally attractive, but I wouldn't say I'm ugly, and he was the one that kept pursuing me. Do men pursue women less attractive than them?

....With friends like that who needs enemies....

OP, why do you keep around friends who tear you down and leave you feeling low and insecure about yourself?

If you are interested and he is interested, then that's all that matters. The only "league" is mutual interest and attraction.

That said, part of dating is knowing what your purpose is. Are you just having some fun with this guy for now? Are you looking for long term? Are you looking for marriage material and having a child of your own? It's important to know where you stand before you delve into dating so you don't waste your time on the wrong men even if you like them. Dating is really a weed out rather than a weed in game. For example, if you want your own children and this guy is almost 50 and has children already, he might not be up for more so that would be a no go for you both.

Forget leagues and focus more on what you want and whether the guy fits in or not.

[Anonymous]

6 hours ago, DancingFool said:

Forget leagues and focus more on what you want and whether the guy fits in or not.

We haven't really talked about that. Should we? I haven't dated in many, many years. I don't even know what it's like to date. He's not mentioning anything either. I was actually really surprised he kept messaging on the app, and like being very persistent. I wasn't expecting that, so I wasn't interested initially due to the age gap. But several months later, I messaged him back so yeah.

[Anonymous]

7 hours ago, Lambert said:

If you like him, you go for it. I was happy in a big age gap relationship (14 years difference) until I wasn't. Our break up was not age related.

The bigger question for yourself is, do you want a ready made family?

 

Also in your situation how do you feel about his parents being around all the time?  You'd be stepping in to their dynamic and adjusting to them. At least to start, because the kids need stability. 

It's a lot on you.  And I imagine his troubles dating are not from living with his parents.  that's just his life in the simplest terms. The whole situation is much more involved.

 

I haven't met his child or parents. So, I can't really say for now.

I'm not into age gap relationships, and I wasn't interested in him initially, for a long time actually, but he was persistent. Also, I came out of a relationship a while back where the man was my age but didn't treat me right.

 

What was the reason for you ending your age gap relationship?

[SooSad33]

52 minutes ago, Guest Anonymous said:

I'm not into age gap relationships, and I wasn't interested in him initially, for a long time actually, but he was persistent. Also, I came out of a relationship a while back where the man was my age but didn't treat me right

This is stuff you have to consider...Asides from this age thing.

Don't go getting yourself involved with someone just because they are persistant.

How I see some things here, is YOU don't feel up to par , comparing yourself to him. ( His looks to yours , etc).

I guess it is a good idea to think all of this through, is it being only 2 dates so far. So, you really won't know quite yet if you two are truly compatible.

 How well do you actually know him? ( just 2 dates worth?), so you don't know much more eg. his history/track record, if he's actually 'able' to handle a long-term relationship or if you two are even compatible... yet.

As for your end of this... you were mistreated by an ex?  Did that cause some issue's on you?  Is it still?  ( are you okay now or still affected by that?).

Anyways, it has only been 2 dates, so you really don't know anything yet on if this is able to work. You both need a little more time... and once the 'physical attraction' eases off and you two see deeper ( reality hits), will you see if it's anything workable. ( If you both hold some interest & continue).  That's all it is.

 

But, if you feel you're just not into this 'age thing', be honest & speak up.  Don't drag it on any longer than it should.

 

[Tinydance]

4 hours ago, Guest Anonymous said:

We haven't really talked about that. Should we? I haven't dated in many, many years. I don't even know what it's like to date. He's not mentioning anything either. I was actually really surprised he kept messaging on the app, and like being very persistent. I wasn't expecting that, so I wasn't interested initially due to the age gap. But several months later, I messaged him back so yeah.

If it was me, I wouldn't worry about the age difference  (it's fine in my opinion) or that he lives with his parents. He actually owns the house so it's not like he's a loser. I also wouldn't worry that he's supposedly "out of your league". That's up to him to decide if he's out of your league or not. And he obviously doesn't think that he is.

Also who cares what your friends think. Fair enough if they were showing genuine concern about a bad situation. But in this case they just sound jealous and judgemental.

My advice would be to just keep dating this guy and see how it goes. I don't think you need to over analyse it. Usually when people become really serious about each other, they can re-evaluate the living arrangements. E.g. His parents might move out and you could move in with him.

You still haven't answered some questions like do you want kids, are you OK with being a stepmother. You haven't said you're not OK with it. So I guess you're still thinking about it or you're not sure? If you're not sure either way then my advice would be just to give it a go with this guy. If you end up really liking each other and your relationship goals are the same, then it might work. But again I think the main thing is compatibility and future goals.

Myself personally I don't care about the age difference but I want kids. I don't even care if the guy already had kids but he would have to want more. If he wouldn't want more kids it's an immediate "no" from me. But I'm speaking only for myself.

 

[Lambert]

4 hours ago, Guest Anonymous said:

I haven't met his child or parents. So, I can't really say for now.

I'm not into age gap relationships, and I wasn't interested in him initially, for a long time actually, but he was persistent. Also, I came out of a relationship a while back where the man was my age but didn't treat me right.

 

What was the reason for you ending your age gap relationship?

There were multiple reasons. 

I think you have to look at him as an individual. Maybe your initial not interested feelings were how you really feel.  but you got lonely and he was persistent.

What's really changed? 

I think you should search your own feelings & not anyone else's.

Your relationship is yours. for better or worse. no one else (but your partner) matters.  You get through things together or you don't.  No one else's opinion really matters. 

 

[catfeeder]

Speaking only for myself, nobody else is living my love life FOR me, so nobody else gets a vote.

If I found myself surrounded by friends that sound snipey rather than having my best interests at heart, then that would speak of my choice in friendships. I'd take a closer look at that.

Meanwhile, I'd be observing my own relationship with this guy in context, and I'd learn over time whether his living situation appears healthy for him and his family, or whether it comes off as dysfunctional. I'd also learn whether this situation supports our relationship versus interfering with it. I'd make my own choices from there.

[Anonymous]

3 hours ago, catfeeder said:

 

Meanwhile, I'd be observing my own relationship with this guy in context, and I'd learn over time whether his living situation appears healthy for him and his family, or whether it comes off as dysfunctional. I'd also learn whether this situation supports our relationship versus interfering with it. I'd make my own choices from there.

You're absolutely right. Only time will tell but I'll keep you up to date. 

[Tanzi]

Given the circumstances, it is perfectly understandable why his parents have moved in to HIS house to help him. It’s hardly the same as still living at home with his parents.  It doesn’t sound as though your friends want to see the difference. Don’t let them blindside you.