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Single father living with his parents?


Guest Anonymous
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I'm curious what's everyone's take on this. 

This man is 15 years older than me. He has a school aged child. Mother passed away some years ago. He lives with his two parents. Stable employment, very fit, hobbies, all that. 

Personally, I don't have an issue with this. I think it's reasonable, given the circumstances (and nannies are insanely expensive, anyway).  

I'm finding it though, that my friends are judgy about it. 

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What is the end game for him?  This is the question isn't it?

If he needs affordable daycare which who doesn't then he could easily drop his children off at his parents or they can pick up the kids from school and he could get them on his way home from work.

  If he cannot function without assistance and support from his parents then that is a totally different thing to consider.

  If he is waiting to find a replacement for his dead wife before he moves out then...

There are a lot of reasons to take a pass if things don't add up but it shouldn't be your friends choice, it is yours.  They are right to question why he still lives at home at his age and status in life just to make sure you are seeing the whole playing field and not just ignoring possible red flags.

  How long have you been dating?

Lost

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If my husband, my kids dad died, I'd be moving in my parents too.  Just because they are school aged does not mean they can just take care of themselves, and, or be left home alone.

If you had to ask, and are swayed by your friends who have no idea what it's like to care for children, nor have to deal through loss of your children's other parent, go find someone your age without kids.

Edited by tattoobunnie
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53 minutes ago, Guest Anonymous said:

I'm curious what's everyone's take on this. 

This man is 15 years older than me. He lives with his two parents. Stable employment, very fit, hobbies, all that. my friends are judgy about it. 

How long have you been dating? Do you have children? Is he camping out at your home because of this?  How long has he been widowed?

 What do you mean by "judgy"?  Are they concerned about you? His age? That he has a child? That he's a widow? That he lives with his parents?

Where do you spend time together if he live with his parents?

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Judgy how? Are they just making snide remarks or are they actually raising some legitimate concerns that you should pay attention to and explore? Unlike you, your friends aren't smitten with him and are more able to see the red flags. So on that note, I wouldn't necessarily dismiss their concerns outright even if it's not what you want to hear.

Kids living in a stable family home and being raised and supported by family is a million times healthier than being raised by strangers, nannies, and daycare. Especially considering that they lost their mother and the impact that has had on them. So from that angle, he is doing what is best for his children.

That said, you should look carefully at the family dynamic and whether it's balanced or not. Meaning, does he take care of his parents, contribute to the household, etc. Basically, is this a mutually supportive and reciprocal arrangement OR is he living like an overgrown child where he spends his money and time on himself while taking advantage of his parents' time, home, and generosity.

In short, make sure he isn't a selfish user looking for a younger woman to replace his mommy and become the next household appliance, cook, cleaner, and babysitter.

Edited by DancingFool
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What's wrong with being close with family? If things got real serious, he would probably find a place close by so he can drop the kids off. I feel more single parents should make this choice instead of living in poverty. Kids need stability. They lost their mom, so they need that support more than ever from the grandparents. Obviously your friends have never been in a desperate situation like this.

You stick to your guns. Nothing wrong with what he is doing.

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More background info is needed. Make a decision based on what you feel comfortable with. Your friends are only looking out for you so unless you're willing to share what they said, it's your opinion of theirs calling them "judgy". 

Generally being discerning is a good thing. What do you hope for out of dating this man? How old are his parents? 

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OP here. 

He has mentioned that it's been rough dating for him solely because of his living arrangement. But the house is in his name. 

I suspect my friend is slightly jealous as he's very good looking. She also mentioned that he's too good looking, implying that he's out of my league as far as looks yet I'm far more attractive than my friend. Maybe I am out of his league. 

 

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4 hours ago, Guest Anonymous said:

How long have you been dating? Do you have children? Is he camping out at your home because of this?  How long has he been widowed?

 What do you mean by "judgy"?  Are they concerned about you? His age? That he has a child? That he's a widow? That he lives with his parents?

Where do you spend time together if he live with his parents?

OP here. 

I have no children. 

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4 minutes ago, Guest Anonymous said:

OP here. 

He has mentioned that it's been rough dating for him solely because of his living arrangement. But the house is in his name. 

I suspect my friend is slightly jealous as he's very good looking. She also mentioned that he's too good looking, implying that he's out of my league as far as looks yet I'm far more attractive than my friend. Maybe I am out of his league. 

 

Time to ditch that frenemy. 

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1 hour ago, Seraphim said:

Time to ditch that frenemy. 

 

5 hours ago, tattoobunnie said:

If my husband, my kids dad died, I'd be moving in my parents too.  Just because they are school aged does not mean they can just take care of themselves, and, or be left home alone.

If you had to ask, and are swayed by your friends who have no idea what it's like to care for children, nor have to deal through loss of your children's other parent, go find someone your age without kids.

That's the issue. None of them have children, but they have big opinions on his situation. Some of those remarks are a little out of hand and downright insulting, truth be told.

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According to an article on businessinsider.com: "A one-year discrepancy in a couple's ages, the study found, makes them 3 percent more likely to divorce (when compared to their same-aged counterparts); a 5-year difference, however, makes them 18 percent more likely to split up. And a 10-year difference makes them 39 percent more likely."

Something to consider when dating someone that much older than you. Another thing to consider is the child's age and how much time the guy has to date you. Younger children usually require a lot more time with parents versus an older teen who spends a lot of time with friends and are more independent if they are old enough to drive and have a part time job, etc.

Sometimes things are on overdrive at the beginning and a person makes things happen for regular dating even with the hardships of being a single parent. But then things might taper off and you see how it really will be if you continue on with a busy, involved parent.

I don't know how long you've been dating, but certainly if you continue for 3 or 4 months, and becoming exclusive is on the table, you should certainly speak of how he plans to proceed with his living arrangements if you two were on the path of becoming a longterm couple. You need to know if you will be okay with his living arrangements if he plans to forever live with his parents.

How do you feel about eventually becoming a step parent if things last with you two? When I met my husband, his daughter was 13. She and I got along well, but it's always stressful to form a blended family as everyone gets used to a new dynamic. And if a child isn't accepting of a parent's new partner, the stress, of course, can triple.

Just some things to think about when dating. I know I rejected dating someone who had a five year old, since he'd have zero weekends available as well as every Wednesday.

The two years before I met my husband, he in fact lived with his mother and stepfather because the child's mother was a deadbeat mom. He worked 10 hours days, so his retired mother would bring his daughter to school and pick her up. That was a time period that was temporary and where the situation worked well for their family. 

Can I ask how old you are? Good luck whatever you decide.

 

Edited by Andrina
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Well I guess my main question would be to think about if you're actually compatible. What are you looking for in a relationship? Do you want kids and marriage yourself? This guy is 15 years older and he already has a school aged child. Often people who already have older kids don't want more kids. And he's been married before so he may not want to get married again. I actually obviously don't know him or you though so I'm not making any assumptions. Some people who already have kids are still open to having more kids or to marriage. 

I'd say that first and foremost you need to check that what you and him are looking for in a relationship matches. If it doesn't then just by that alone it may not actually work out. Also how do you feel in a sense taking on the "stepmother" role to his child? Are you OK with it?

In regards to him living with his parents. I'm not sure if it's possible that without his wife's income he financially can't afford to rent a house by himself and also support his child. So he lives with his parents because at their house the rent is free or cheap. And I assume he does need help looking after the child while he's at work. Something you maybe need to think about is if he struggles financially on his own, if you got serious and moved in together that you may need to help financially support his child. How do you feel about that? And you may need to help him take care of his child. I think you need to think about all that more so that he lives with his parents.

And I guess coming over to his place and staying the night might be awkward with his parents and child there. So he'd probably have to stay at your place.

In regards to your friends, yes they do sound jealous and mean. You're dating a hot guy but they say he's out of your league?! They don't sound supportive at all. If my friend found a hot guy, I'd be like "good work"! 

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1 hour ago, Andrina said:

According to an article on businessinsider.com: "A one-year discrepancy in a couple's ages, the study found, makes them 3 percent more likely to divorce (when compared to their same-aged counterparts); a 5-year difference, however, makes them 18 percent more likely to split up. And a 10-year difference makes them 39 percent more likely."

I personally prefer older men, and my last partner was 5 years older than me. But with this man, it wasn't planned. Studies also show that second and third marriages are far more likely to end in divorce than first marriages, that having multiple sexual partners makes you more likely to divorce as well, that having higher education makes you more likely to have multiple sexual partners, that growing up in a stable home makes you more likely to have multiple sexual partners and so on.

 

 

 

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1 hour ago, Tinydance said:

Well I guess my main question would be to think about if you're actually compatible. What are you looking for in a relationship? Do you want kids and marriage yourself?

And I guess coming over to his place and staying the night might be awkward with his parents and child there. So he'd probably have to stay at your place.

In regards to your friends, yes they do sound jealous and mean. You're dating a hot guy but they say he's out of your league?! They don't sound supportive at all. If my friend found a hot guy, I'd be like "good work"! 

The more my friend mentions it, the more I'm like, maybe I am way out of his league and he deserves someone better? He's conventionally attractive, but I wouldn't say I'm ugly, and he was the one that kept pursuing me. Do men pursue women less attractive than them?

As far as intimacy with his parents and child around, I don't know, I guess it is awkward but there are plenty of families who employ full-time nannies or have multiple kids and do the deed so, I'd think that could be just as awkward?

I've only been on two dates with this man, so no intimacy yet. But I'm starting to feel like maybe I should just back out even though I really like him.

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1 hour ago, Tinydance said:

In regards to him living with his parents. I'm not sure if it's possible that without his wife's income he financially can't afford to rent a house by himself and also support his child. So he lives with his parents because at their house the rent is free or cheap.

The OP says the house is his. So the parents live with him. He doesn't live with them in their home.

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2 hours ago, Guest Anonymous said:

The more my friend mentions it, the more I'm like, maybe I am way out of his league and he deserves someone better? He's conventionally attractive, but I wouldn't say I'm ugly, and he was the one that kept pursuing me. Do men pursue women less attractive than them?

As far as intimacy with his parents and child around, I don't know, I guess it is awkward but there are plenty of families who employ full-time nannies or have multiple kids and do the deed so, I'd think that could be just as awkward?

I've only been on two dates with this man, so no intimacy yet. But I'm starting to feel like maybe I should just back out even though I really like him.

OK well if he actually owns the house then I think it's not as bad. But you didn't actually answer some questions I asked you. Do you want kids? Would he want more kids? He's already 49 and he already has a child. Considering his age I'm wondering if he'd want more children? If you have different life goals then it just wouldn't work out long term. But if you find him attractive and you just want to have sex with him then I don't see any harm if you're both willing.

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5 hours ago, Guest Anonymous said:

I've only been on two dates with this man, so no intimacy yet. But I'm starting to feel like maybe I should just back out even though I really like him.

Do you have your own place?

How did you meet? How long has he been widowed?

This catfight with your friend and league nonsense about his looks is not the issue. That's all superficial.

Reflect if you are ready to date a man with a child who's widowed.

It's only 2 dates and you don't seem to have much in common with him.

He's a middle aged windowed father and you and your friends seem to act like inexperienced teens.

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