How to handle a "sort of" breakup?

[Catlover44499]

I'm 26, I've been dating this guy, 27 for about 7 months. He's genuinely the most wonderful person. I've never been treated so well. 
We community great and are always kind to each other. 
He had been seeming a little off lately so I had him come over so we could talk about it. And I've known he's been pretty depressed for a while (since before I knew him) and has deeper trauma than I know about. Plus, was fresher out of a long term relationship than I was when we met. 

So last night we talked (and cried) a lot about that and how he feels bad that he isn't fully present with me and probably can't be just yet and might need some time to be "selfish and focus on himself" which I don't believe is selfish. 
He may have been more upset than I was, though it was hard to tell because we were both sobbing a bunch. 
I very much want to be friends and try this again when he's had a little down time and he agrees. We both really got off our chests how much we actually care about each other, and how he isn't using this as an opportunity to see other people (which I believe) and I don't plan to either. 

I normally don't believe in "breaks" but the communication and love is clearly there and I think we both handled it extremely non toxicly so I believe there's hope out there. 
I gave him good resources for a therapist (which he plans on seeing) and told him he's extremely important to me and to stay in contact and let me know if he needs anything. And he said the same to me.
I also have a kitten he is taking when he gets a new roommate (without a scary dog) so he's more than welcome to see her at any time. 

Its just incredibly painful, but I believe in him and that he deserves my patience and kindness. I want to be there for him without pressuring him too much. What's a good balance? And also how can I emotionally handle this a little better? There being hope of us trying again helps me, but its still pretty raw. 

Thanks for any advice. 

[DarkCh0c0]

I suggest you cease communication and let him work on himself/heal.

Should he want to reach out again (we're talking in months), then that'll be your sign. Otherwise, you are both free to date other people- specially you.

Let him go. If he appreciates you enough, he'll come back.

[DancingFool]

Just going to second what DarkChoco said - you need to treat this as a proper break up.

If he needs to heal and take care of himself and his mental health, then he should not be in a relationship or half in half out of one. He actually needs to be single, focus on himself, follow through on his therapy, etc. If/when he is whole and feels like dating and can make a good partner, then he can reach out to you and see where you are.

Same goes for you. You need to heal and focus on your life and move forward. If he comes back at some point, then you can see if you still want him, are still single, etc. However, at no point in life should you put yourself in limbo waiting on someone.

He may get his life together, he may never do so. Most often, when people get their life together....they don't want to go back to someone who is a reminder of a past they left behind and unfortunately, you are that reminder because you were his rebound crutch. When the leg is healed, people don't keep using the crutch, no matter how much they appreciated that crutch when they needed it.

Going forward, avoid getting involved with someone who is fresh out of a relationship and not really in a good place to be a good partner to you. Seek to date those who are in a good place and open and ready to be all in today.

[SooSad33]

29 minutes ago, Catlover44499 said:

dating this guy, 27 for about 7 months. He's genuinely the most wonderful person. I've never been treated so well. 
We community great and are always kind to each other. 
He had been seeming a little off lately so I had him come over so we could talk about it. And I've known he's been pretty depressed for a while (since before I knew him) and has deeper trauma than I know about. Plus, was fresher out of a long term relationship than I was when we met. 

Yup, this is going to take some time for him to work through all of this

I don't feel he is in a real 'stable mindset' to be involved again.  He need to calm his life down some and focus on himself. ( he has nothing to 'give' in this state).

Is good you two talked and things got dealt with.  and is good he's aware that you are there IF he feels like reaching out etc? As in a friendship?

That is your choice to remain there.. but you may see in time that it is not possible ( as some find, when a relationship ends is hard to go backwards, to just friends again)... especially when still emotionally invested.

But, try not to feel stuck there.  Be yourself and continue with your life now.  He's got some work to do and I do hope get gets it !

 

 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Catlover44499 said:

he's been pretty depressed for a while (since before I knew him) was fresh out of a long term relationship than I was when we met. 

I want to be there for him without pressuring him too much.

Sorry this is happening. You seem like a kind caring person and the emphasis needs to be on you not getting hurt. 

Give him the space he needs. However be careful not to sacrifice yourself or your future for someone who is not over his ex. He knows you 28 weeks.

Resist the urge to be on standby as his therapist or shoulder to cry on, etc. He has friends and family and doctors and therapists.

Keep in mind he may still be communicating with his ex and they may be trying to work things out.  Of course he would not tell you that and in fact you had to ask him to talk when he was already withdrawing. He did not suddenly develop depression  mos. into dating.

[Catlover44499]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening. You seem like a kind caring person and the emphasis needs to be on you not getting hurt. 

Give him the space he needs. However be careful not to sacrifice yourself or your future for someone who is not over his ex. He knows you 28 weeks.

Resist the urge to be on standby as his therapist or shoulder to cry on, etc. He has friends and family and doctors and therapists.

Keep in mind he may still be communicating with his ex and they may be trying to work things out.  Of course he would not tell you that and in fact you had to ask him to talk when he was already withdrawing. He did not suddenly develop depression  mos. into dating.

Sorry, that was a bit of a typo. He was FRESHER out than me. Not super fresh. He was about 8 months out of a 2 year relationship and I was a year and a half out of a 6 year relationship. I don't believe he is in contact with his ex, because he has been very honest with me (could be wrong) but he did tell me it's still effecting him more than he had realized. 

We do and did have pretty good communication prior to this short stint of time and his depression had been no secret. I knew from the get go he was depressed, just fell into more of a slump I think. 

Again, I couls definitely be wrong but I have no reason to believe its due to the ex trying to get back with him. 

And I'm not planning to be a therapist, just a friend. He's working on finding a therapist currently and has a lot of very good friends to turn to.

I'm not planning on waiting forever. But I'm more than willing to give him a little time and space to hope it can. 

Thank you for your reply