I feel as if I was sexually abused when really young but no vivid memories...

[d1fferences]

Hello first of all thank you for reading this, your kindness is never overlooked. Be aware this will be long & weird...

I have strong reason to believe I was sexually abused as a small child. Maybe around 3/4. To start the thoughts first started happening when i realized i related to every sexual abuse story on law & order and if i didnt i somehow felt connected as if it happened to me or that i wished I was sexually abused? (LIKE WHAT?) Ever since i was in 6th grade these thoughts would form. I had a dream of a man jerking off to me and what i thought was pee when I was only 4 or 5. I always wanted to make out with the boys in my preschool and lied to boys in kindergarten that I wore bras already?? I also got fake married to my unlce and we kissed but instead of an innocent peck i full on tired to make out with him when i was like 10. (He condoned it so idk) but anyways i was always hyper sexual I "performed" for grown men sexually on omegle when i was 13-15. I have master-bated since before pre-K but i think that is normal behavior? I officially gave into the idea that something happened to me when i looked up the symptoms when i was in 9th grade and they read me like a book. I still struggle with disordered eating till this day (starving, purging, indulging) i get off to shame??? I literally get off to being degraded and used.. i have been depressed most of my life, AWFUL BODY IMAGE. im talking full on dysmorphia i cannot wear anything revealing or tight because I am scared of being perceived as fat, i have never felt truly alive since i was 4. I would literally sit there and be like "am i really here? Am i alive?" Self harm suicidal all that. SO moving on to the really interesting part, right after i discovered i was possibly sexually abused i literally started heavy drinking and smoking weed, experimenting with types of drugs nonstop and was hyper sexual to the point of ruining my reputation in highschool. Slept with so many men and i never felt as if i could say no to the advances. I froze up and gave in because i thought i had no right to say no. I literally never connected it to the seuxal abuse until this past 2 years. When i have sex now I literally black out and dont remember much after (mainly through penetration). I went in a downward spiral like a month after the light research i did online. I block out acts of violence and abuse very easily even now, but truthfully i do not understand how i cannot remember a thing! All the dots lead to sexual abuse/rape as a child but no distinct memories. I have a strong feeling of one uncle but no memories or proof (same uncle i kissed).  My sister believes the same about herself and she has all my same "issues", she is the one that actually thought of my uncle when i brought up being abused. We both have no REAL memories of it just dreams that feel like real events.  I denied it though when she first thought of him as our abuser because he was like a second father to us. Im talking holidays birthdays he made us feel very special. We went to his house everyday in the summer when i was 3/4 to be watched by him. I jsut want to know if anyone relates, I have no actual memories that arent dreams or flashes but a strong feeling and PTSD symptoms. Its so confusing..

BTW i am so sorry of how messy this is, its just i found this forum and spilled my guts out. THANK YOU TO ALL RESPONSES.

[Capricorn3]

I don't think anyone here would be qualified enough to really be able to help you with this enormous issues. Have you ever looked into professional counseling/therapy?  I think it would benefit you greatly.

[catfeeder]

While one thing you could consider is getting an assessment from a therapist, if you're not ready to do that, you could ask a therapist what kinds of treatments are available for early childhood molestation.

From there you can consider whether you'll want to pursue help from someone who is trained to work with you.

[DarkCh0c0]

Yep. Agree with posters^.

There are therapists who will be able to help. You need to try a couple until you find one that can really help you with your case. It's a very sensitive and traumatic experience which unqualified people would not know how to carefully navigate.

It's good to reach out and it's great that you finally have a starting point.