Closing The Gap!

[LoveConquersAll]

Hi All

My partner (USA, 42, 1 child, 1 dog, works in IT if that matters) and I (UK, 46, 2 children, no dogs - not keen on them - sorry 😅, University researcher) have been in a LDR since April 2018 and we are happier than ever. We communicate well, have very healthy conflict resolution skills (not that we argue much) and have been able to navigate the last 3 years with relative ease. People say LDRs are difficult but not for us - we must be outliers, despite meeting totally randomly at the worst time in our lives. Love sparked immediately, and we never looked back. Just like a dream, a perfect fairy-tale with our happy ending.

Pennsylvania is his home county so he knows the area well - he is super close to his parents, sister and nephews and is the best single dad ever to his teenage boy. As serendipity would have it, I have very recently been given a job offer (the job of my dreams, no less!) where he lives and we are both readying to close the gap for good - very exciting! :). We are both progressive in our outlook and, according to my research, Pennsylvania is the perfect place to be - everything is working out as it should be, apparently! I have been given a visa as a researcher (at my partner's Alma Mater - the coincidences keep adding up - we must be Twin Flames!) so I'm not worried about my status, and all the paperwork has been sorted, so all is good. 

A couple of questions:

1. For those who have closed the gap, are there any happy stories anyone can share to give us an idea of what to expect in the first few months?

2. Any tips on making sure the kids get along? The 3 of them are great, thoughtful, kind, respectful, open-minded children (despite the fact 2 of them are full blown teenagers - we won the lottery of best kids ever, it seems like!) se we are not really concerned, but a few short-cuts would be really welcome 🙂

Thanks all in advance!

 

[MissCanuck]

Just to clarify:

How much time have you spent together in person with your partner?

Your children are re-locating with you, it seems? 

 

[LoveConquersAll]

Hi there

1. In what dimension? Because it feels like we are 24/7 connected! For some of us, where we have met and how long for, how long we have spent together in person or elsewhere doesn't change anything. I guess it takes a spiritual mind to understand this (no judgement!).

2. Yes, of course the children are relocating with me! Their father is not particularly an active presence in their lives (he comes in and out a lot), it's not like I'm taking them away from him if this is what your question was implying? Were you making assumptions? 😉

[MissCanuck]

19 minutes ago, LoveConquersAll said:

1. In what dimension?

Physically, in person. 

19 minutes ago, LoveConquersAll said:

2. Yes, of course the children are relocating with me! Their father is not particularly an active presence in their lives (he comes in and out a lot), it's not like I'm taking them away from him if this is what your question was implying? Were you making assumptions? 

No, it was a simple question to clarify the situation. 

Why are you so defenisve? 

[LoveConquersAll]

9 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

Why are you so defenisve? 

Defensive? Moi? But I added a smiley and everything 😞Oh well. Agree to disagree, I suppose...(Oh. Never mind. I've just made an assumption 😏).

 Xxx I'll ask for the thread to be closed instead! 

Thanks, though 🙂

[LoveConquersAll]

Mods, can you please close the thread? Thank you so much!! 🙂

[MissCanuck]

So you have never met this man, in other words?

 

[LoveConquersAll]

3 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

So you have never met this man, in other words?

 

Xxxx never mind.

[MissCanuck]

2 minutes ago, LoveConquersAll said:

Xxxx never mind.

I'll leave you with this: Since you evidently have never met him, don't uproot your whole life for him. And certainly not your children's lives either. 

You will get hurt and it's not worth it. 

[LoveConquersAll]

10 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

I'll leave you with this: Since you evidently have never met him, don't uproot your whole life for him. And certainly not your children's lives either. 

You will get hurt and it's not worth it. 

Noted! I'll live my life the way I want though, if that's all the same to you. We all are the masters of our own ships, after all 🙂. Risk taking is good for the soul.

I hope your life brings you as much joy and happiness as mine does.

[DarkCh0c0]

 

@MissCanuck was asking for context and giving you advice.

Be careful and keep an open spirit. Things might work out between you two and they might not.

[LaHermes]

Just to say, OP, that you DID ask and posters gave you their views.  I would wish that everything turns out all right for you. 

3 hours ago, LoveConquersAll said:

an idea of what to expect in the first few months?

Who can say, OP?  This is very personal to you both. 

You remark:

"Risk taking is good for the soul"

No, it isn't.   We are not talking about bungee-jumping here, but the lives of a number of people: you, him, the children.

And I think this riposte was unwarranted OP:

"I'll live my life the way I want though, if that's all the same to you"

We are just giving opinions, for which you asked. Is this how you engage in conversations with people IRL.  

[LoveConquersAll]

 

1 hour ago, LaHermes said:

We are just giving opinions, for which you asked. Is this how you engage in conversations with people IRL.  

Yes. I guess to me IRL or not, people are people and I would hope they would be able to read between the lines. But yes, agreed, it may or may not work. I won't know if I don't try though, eh.

FYI, I was a single mother for years before meeting him, and I raised my children with no help while studying and / or working. I moved to another country on my own (I'm French) and got moved at least 5 times in my 12 year marriage so I can hold my own. I'll go there and take the job anyway as it's wonderful experience for my children, and I won't say no to my dream job because he has last minute jitters or has changed his mind out of the blue! 

So in conclusion: context is everything. Rather than insisting upon the least important element of the story, perhaps more probing questions would have put things in perspective - without the full context, how can you give genuine, individual advice tailored to my specific circumstances? (genuine question, btw).

I don't wish to start an argument on a forum I've only just started using (I am a new poster, as you can tell from the 'apprentice' label attached to my handle) - is that how you welcome all new posters? (also a genuine question).

Looking forward to the replies.

[SooSad33]

IMO, If you have never met ( not sure if you actually have)?

You know as much as any of us would.. which is nill.

Your experience begins when you get there.. It WILL be quite an adjustment for everyone involved. Transitions can be difficult, so expect a few challenges.

In the beginning it will be exciting, so things will eventually surface between you all, in time.

No one knows IF this will work out.. It's the chance you're willing to take.  Only you know what he is like.. Just take into account, all seems great at this point.  And hopefully will continue after you arrive & have been there for a time. As it's often a challenge in itself trying to have 2 families blend and all be 'smooth'.

I figure, what some are saying is to also consider the fact that things may become challenging, since you don't even know IF you're truly compatible until you actually become a true couple ( and conjoined families).  So, yes, expect challenges over time as you all try to accept what is, settle in, etc.

Either way, good luck, hope things do work out, for the effort you're giving.

[LaHermes]

7 hours ago, LoveConquersAll said:

Xxx I'll ask for the thread to be closed instead! 

That might not be a bad idea, OP.  

[LoveConquersAll]

4 minutes ago, SooSad33 said:

Either way, good luck, hope things do work out, for the effort you're giving.

Thank you.

All doesn't seem great at this point all the time - this is not a 'perfect' relationship in that there are a lot of things to be ironed out and to be honest, a professional move might be just the ticket for the moment - it might be why I am so excited. Agreed on the rest - thanks for giving me food for thought 🙂.

[DancingFool]

First of congrats on your dream job! 

In terms of practical advice, start out by getting your own place first even if it's short term rather than immediately moving in together and trying to blend families and adding all that stress and strain. Instead, allow yourself and your children time to adjust - get settled, make friends of your own, get into hobbies, etc. The biggest mistake people make when closing distance relationships is failing to establish their own personal life and making their partner their everything socially. So be sure you don't do that because that strains relationships badly.

Also while you are getting settled in and established, enjoy just dating each other and getting to know each other in real life. No doubt you have great communication skills with each other but you still have that big unknown of real life dynamics. So rather than rushing to move in and adding all that stress, take the time to really enjoy each other and do a sort of dating honeymoon. Take the stress of moving and adjustment out of the equation. If you continue to get along and click well, then the next step of blending your lives and moving in together will be smooth and easy and natural. 

Think of this more like sitting down to a fine meal and taking your time to savor each bite rather than gulping down fast food. 

Other than that....just breathe and remember that your biggest established tool as a couple is communication, so don't forget to keep using it when face to face. It will help you deal with a lot of challenges. Also, try to level your expectations. The higher your expectations, the more difficult it may be to process things that are different from how you imagined things would go, so basically try your best not to over think things too much. Keep an open mind and give this a sort of blank slate approach as much as you can.

[LoveConquersAll]

Thank you so much, @DancingFool (love the handle, btw - I too am a dancing - and singing 😏 fool) - sincerely 🙂.

1 hour ago, DancingFool said:

In terms of practical advice, start out by getting your own place first even if it's short term rather than immediately moving in together and trying to blend families and adding all that stress and strain. Instead, allow yourself and your children time to adjust - get settled, make friends of your own, get into hobbies, etc. The biggest mistake people make when closing distance relationships is failing to establish their own personal life and making their partner their everything socially. So be sure you don't do that because that strains relationships badly.

Absolutely on board with that. There is no way I would put my children (or his son)under this kind of strain. The job comes with its own accommodation so there really was no plan to move in together immediately (I didn't make it clear enough in my original post, apologies for the confusion!).

1 hour ago, DancingFool said:

Think of this more like sitting down to a fine meal and taking your time to savor each bite rather than gulping down fast food. 

❤️this analogy - thank you (as long as it's seafood!).

1 hour ago, DancingFool said:

The higher your expectations, the more difficult it may be to process things that are different from how you imagined things would go, so basically try your best not to over think things too much. Keep an open mind and give this a sort of blank slate approach as much as you can.

 Fact!
I was literally going to say this - the higher the expectations, the harder the fall.