my recent break up & breakup anxiety, any thoughts?

[throoawao]

Hi all,

I wrote a question on here about 8 months ago in search of answers for my problems with my boyfriend at the time regarding my desire to plan and move things along to a more serious level, and him just not budging. Some background, I am 22, he's just turned 24, we both live at our parents house, and have been together since I was 19 and he was 20. When we first met, our relationship was immature but very loving and filled with efforts to make it work. We were together for about a year until we made love, which for me was my first time, and I strongly wanted to wait for the one guy who was gonna be mine forever, which I thought he always was. We had problems, hence the immaturity, because of jealousy, aggressive verbal fights, and other things that would come around, but during the first year, I was almost certain that we were gonna get engaged, married, have kids-- we were nearly planning it every so often. Then the second year rolled around, and we had a really big fight that was probably just maturing to happen because of all the little fights that would happen before, and things weren't the same since. Holidays didn't seem as fun, and more of a chore (seemed that way from his side), he started seeing me less (perhaps also because he started working further from home), the only thing that was going for us was our new sex life, and of course emotional attachment. And because of all these issues we started having even more issues, fighting and even going to sleep 'broken up' but in the morning texting each other and getting 'back together'. It was toxic. Name calling and cursing was prominent during our fights -- i'm not innocent to this. 
Then, exactly a year ago, we had a huge fight and ended up breaking up as per his idea. Basically, we were fighting about something not even worth fighting about, and he called me a ***, and I told him I wasn't gonna handle name calling, and he agreed, and then he just broke up with me. I was texting him that night all night telling him that I was sorry for whatever I did to make him call me that, and that I didn't want to break up. He didn't message back anything and ignored my calls. Then the next morning-- and mind you, I didn't sleep all night anxious as hell that we broke up, I texted him asking if we could take a break instead, and he agreed, though he did message his ex-fling during that time. So, we took a break, got back together after some time, we were loyal to each other, and tried to make it work. I started feeling extremely insecure around this time, the most insecure I ever felt my whole life, about him breaking up with me or not wanting a future with me. So, I tried to reach for that reassurance every so often, by asking if he wanted me forever etc, and it wasn't making my insecurity any better to have to do that with a guy you were with for 2.5 years. Anyways, this was around the time that we started having the issue about the future more real, I noticed he stopped talking about it, or if he did it felt forced, he didn't plan anything (like I seen my friends' boyfriends doing),  and just kind of detached from that. He kept having all types of reasons why he can't talk about the future, saying its more financial, then its bc of his parents, then bc of our relationship (I heard all the reasons I think). To be honest, I detached myself, and started noticing myself looking at other guys and wondering if they would be a better fit for me. This issue spanned for about a year, until this summer that just passed, in which I was so fed up that I told him how I was feeling, and I told him either we talk about it or you be straight up with me and tell me you don't want the future with me and we can both go our separate ways. And instead of him problem solving or reassuring me, he just suggested we break up, AGAIN. So, we did, earlier this summer, and I kept reaching out to him telling him I didn't want to break up, blah blah blah (almost like begging him to stay I think), and we got back together, and since then (this was about a month ago) things weren't the same at all. Though we stopped fighting like before, we fell out of love I think, he only put effort to see me once a week, besides living 6 miles away from me, we hardly had sex, I started catching myself thinking about my past guys and other guys, and whatever effort he put into the relationship seemed forced. So, three days ago, when I confronted him and told him that it seems like we hardly see each other and i'd like to more, or talk more, or something to get the relationship going, he told me that he doesn't think he has that effort anymore, that he has been noticing his feelings for effort have dropped,  and that he does not feel the same way as he has in the beginning, or even a year ago. He blamed the fights, he says he hates himself for feeling that way but he does. The night after he broke up with me, or as he said "stepped aside", he texted me good morning, and I asked him "didn't you break up. w me last night?", he says "No", and thats when I lost it, and. said "yes you did", and that night he just officially ended it, and we cried, and told each other we are always there for each other, and we know this will be hard. He says it will always be hard to lose me because he was with me from ages 20-24 ... to say the least, it was heart breaking to hear him tell me he pretty much had no desire for anything. He also admitted he's been tempted to talk to people and wanted to explore .. that one hit my insecurity a bit.

Sorry for this long rant, but anyways, since we broke up, that day, I haven't cried since. I had a hard time sleeping for two days but thats about all. I feel weird that I haven't cried b/c this was the man I thought I was gonna marry and we been through so much. He was kind of my best friend-- we spoke all the time, all day. There are moments of nostalgia and memory that come to me sometimes, and I want to tear up but it just doesn't happen. There are also moments of anger and bitterness where I feel, where have I gone wrong? What could've I fixed? There's also moments of realization where I feel, I have done everything, and he hasn't. He doesn't know what its like to lose me because I've always been there. 
I been having dreams of him being with other women and they bother me -- a lot. It's like they're better than me for him. Which i am sure there are women who are a better fit for him, I suppose thats what he wanted to explore.

Don't get me wrong, I don't want to cry AT ALL! I cried so much over him, and lost so many appetites for food or sleep or motivation. I am almost proud but surprised at myself that I have been eating and sleeping and motivated to get up and do stuff. I am just scared that it will creep up to me and give me a turmoil of emotions. I also remember the other times we broke up I had a hard time smiling or laughing, and yesterday I caught myself laughing with my mom the hardest I laughed in a while. 
I am also proud of myself for the first time ever that I haven't messaged him first after a break up telling him I'm sorry or asking for him back -- bc I know he lost someone he would be lucky to have, I guess I grew some confidence? But i'm scared that when that turmoil of emotion will hit (i hope it wont) i wont be able to control myself and message him ... 

It's a weird feeling but it feels like a drug withdrawal, I remember in the past I would be so upset and crying and just borderline shaking that a message to him would take away all that and I'd feel better, to eat or sleep or do something. I would almost reward myself for this. Man, this sounds really crazy, but just know I was really traumatized from this relationship 😕. I really wanted it to work... I been through heartbreak before, I didn't want him added to that list.

Some things I have been doing that have been helping -- i bought rollerblades, and a coloring book ! To keep myself busy. I also started working on applications to grad school and studying for the GRE.

I know this is called breakup anxiety, and I guess I just wanted to include my story too. I hope I'm not in denial or anything like that, but my friends and family say it seems like I've just been through this so much that I'm numb, and also just over his bull***.

Anyways, feel free to leave suggestions, comments, reactions, hopeful messages, I'd appreciate it : ) 

sincerely, 

Throoawao

[Batya33]

One day, one hour at a time.  I'm sorry you're going through this stressful upsetting time.  I think studying for the GREs and planning on grad school is an awesome plan. All the best to you.

[SooSad33]

Sorry for all you've been through 😕 .. It is hard.. to let go.

Takes time to work through all of those emotions... feelings of loss etc.  And that's what it is.. a loss.

So, you will experience 'grief' - look up the stages.  I am sure you will feel many things, like you said, so far.. some anger/resentment?  Yeah, you will & then some.  Bit it is part of the process.. until one day you will feel less & less and the pressures will ease off and you will not feel so bad.. all takes time though. So be easy on yourself.. good for keeping busy.

Yes, this relationships died.. and became toxic.  It was hurting you.  But, you kept going back.. nothing was improving..so same results.

It was an experience.. a tough one 😕 .. But we so often come out of these things, more aware.

One day at a time.. and whenever you feel that 'want' to reach out to him.. Just don't, for your own well being.. and to work on accepting & healing.  Journal, that always helps.. another way to 'get it out' - say all you want there.. not to him. And yes, walk away from the phone, keep busy!

Like I said.. be easy on yourself.. get your rest, eat... hang with friends/family.

It will get better. 🙂 

 

[catfeeder]

My heart goes out to you, honey. You WILL reach a point where you're able to look back on this breakup as one of the most advantageous things that ever happened in your life.

Wouldn't it be helpful to see it that way? Even while you don't feel that way at this moment?

Given that most late-teen to early-20's relationship DO end rather than evolve into a marriage that lasts, trust that the more you invest in building your own social life and private passions, the less relevant this ex will become, and the easier it will become for you to move yourself forward.

Meanwhile, you don't need to trash whatever hope you're holding. Simply move it to a back burner and trust that if this were ever a meant-to-be deal, ex will reflect someday and have no problem reaching out to let you know that he made a mistake.

But YOUR goal is to invest in our OWN life to the degree that you reach a higher ground. 

That will give you the right perspective to view any such reconciliation through NEW vision.

Healing is a win/win. If the guy ever comes through, you'll be healed enough to consider it from a healed perspective.

Invest in spending time with your family and friends--NOT for them to heal you, but for you to make THEM feel valued.

This will normalize you very quickly.

Commit to helping your family, friends and neighbors with stuff that enhances THEIR life, and you will begin feeling a gratitude for them that was never possible before.

And THAT will heal you--FAST.

Head high, and trust that you can do this.