Self-Improvement & Venting Journal

[Pleasedonot5]

On 5/15/2022 at 12:18 PM, maritalbliss86 said:

Dating was awful even over a decade ago.  It seemed like it was probably easier in the 80's 90's but that may just be my fanciful idea of what it was like, rather than experienced reality.

It does seem harder now, though.  Although vetting should be easier because with social media, people put everything out there now it seems, good and ugly.  Granted meeting in real life is a necessity so you can see if they're filtering pictures 😉 

Ah, I worded it weird, but I meant dating is harder for me right now than it was for me several years ago. 

I totally agree. One would think that social media and dating sites would facilitate more connections. Sometimes they do, but nothing beats a genuine connection made or found in person. 

[Pleasedonot5]

I called this past Wednesday to set a doctor's appointment to adjust my medication. Due to a doctor leaving my doctor's practice group, my doctor was suddenly inundated with the other doctor's patients. The assistant said that she was booked out into July--and the office does not use a wait-list or cancellation list. Thankfully, I talked in further detail with the assistant about the nature of my intended visit (essentially a mental health matter), and the assistant was able to leave a note indicating high urgency for my doctor to set a call or appointment. I received a call Thursday to meet with my doctor Friday. On Friday, I was able to see her (first time in like 2-3 years due to COVID and her maternity leave!), and we talked about my options. Inevitably, we thought it best to double my buspirone dose (a minor change, she said, would have little effect).

And then - given my really awful mental state (I haven't posted much about it but I am REALLY not in a good place: depressive symptoms including insomnia, lack of motivation, hopelessness, and admittedly suicidal ideations), she gave me options to treat depression or insomnia including (1) two SNRI options, to treat depression (2) an antidepressant that also treats insomnia, amitriptyline, and (3) a medication that that treats the insomnia caused by depression, trazodone. My doctor understands that I like to be an active participant in my care, so she -- like last time I saw her -- gave me information related to those options and asked me to send her a note with my thoughts. I will do my research and pick one today.

So, I have started the increased buspirone dose today (send good vibes my way -- adjusting the dose of this medication makes me REALLY anxious for a day before I feel the positive difference), and I will send a note to my doctor about which of the three other medications above I think is best. 

I am thankful some of my family urged me to stop putting this off. My grandma, particularly, admonished me to have a sense of urgency about my care. I am glad: because I have not been in a good place for a while. 

I hope to get through the medication adjustment pains and return to calmness soon. 

[boltnrun]

I was on Trazodone for a little over a year for anxiety, depression and insomnia.  I found it to be helpful.  And no side effects (for me, anyway) other than a bit of drowsiness.

[Pleasedonot5]

My increased dose of buspirone is working, I think. The incessant ruminations and racing negative thoughts have decreased in intensity and number to something a lot more manageable. In the last week, I have felt more "normal" again. I feel I generally seem social, witty, and more confident interacting with others. That is good. I will use this (hopefully lengthy) period of decreased anxiety to work on myself. 

My counselor-in-training identified that I have been interacting or declining to interact with others on the basis of a fear of judgment. Everything from deciding what social clubs to join, interacting with my supervising attorney, and choosing whether to stand up for something has all been done under that umbrella. In the last week or two, I have subsequently attempted to push past the scary distortion of reality my brain conjures up, to do what I want to do. Instead of, "this person who reached out to me asking if I know anyone who might be a good fit to be her ballroom partner was clearly asking for anyone else with the way she phrased it," and "even if she was asking me, I'm far too old to go back to being in my old college club--everyone would think I'm a loser/weird," I decided that renewed participation in ballroom was what I wanted. Then, I reached out and said I was looking for a partner too, would she be interested in seeing if we were a good fit? She almost immediately responded super positively. At a soon-after social event, we danced pretty well together. And --current members of the ballroom club were very friendly. One of the leaders even said "and I hope we'll see more of you around!" with a smile. In addition, an alumna of the university (around my age) was there and is still competing in the club. So my brain conjured this scary reality--because anxiety and many of my social interactions over the past few years have been full of judgment. Anyway--look at me. I'll be competing in ballroom competitions again. 😁 I have running, dancing, and D&D right now as fun / productive hobbies on which to focus. 

I did many tasks that were weighing on me, and now I feel lighter. Imagine that. 

I plan to apply to a community advocacy or disability law clinic at the law school. If I get in, I'll obtain class credit and hopefully do the kind of experiential work I'm interested in. Deadline to apply is today--which is a chore, since I am on vacation. So far, law school has mostly let me down. Hopefully this will make my experience more rewarding.

In Nashville right now for vacation for the next week or so with family. I've been enjoying the break so far!