What Do I Do (Or Not Do?)

[SooSad33]

2 hours ago, john deeb said:

I ended it with my girlfriend of a year and a half after feeling like we didn't have a future with each other. I always said I loved her, but wasn't in love with her. If that makes sense? 

This is something I had felt for a while. She saw me on a dating app and closed all contact with me for 2 weeks until she came round my flat unexpectedly to pick some things up. A month later I had been out and the next day i messaged her asking if we could meet up, obviously she was hesitant based on what happened previously

YOU broke it off.

You admit that you fell out of love with her.

You can't expect her to agree to go back to you.  She's trying to accept & move on - then leave her be.

You can't 'make it come back' ( feelings).  yes, you care for her, but you can't make what's not there, suddenly appear. 😕 

You BOTH need to work on accepting what is now, and stop contacting her, expecting something.

What's done is done now.

Focus and work on accepting that.

2 hours ago, john deeb said:

I've realised that maybe I had my guard up through out the relationship as i'd been cheated on & hurt in my last relationship. however this ironically, has now been by downfall. thoughts?  

- Shows here, you were really not 'ready' to move on in a healthy manner.

Work through this kind of stuff BEFORE you consider getting involved again.

 

[DancingFool]

Successful reconciliations are rare and typically happen only when the two people have had sufficient time away from each other to genuinely heal from the break up, work on themselves and their lives, move on and then crossed paths and were able to start fresh.

Right now, you are in the throes of missing her, but....you have done nothing to fix yourself and what kept you at an emotional distance. All you are really doing is telling yourself that you will be different just because. Harsh truth is that if she were to come back today, it would only be a matter of time before you fall right back into your old toxic patterns. That's just how our brains are wired.

To rewire your brain you actually have to do some active work on yourself - therapy, self help, get out and just be on your own and heal yourself from your past wounds for real and that takes time and not just a month or two, but rather a year or two.

From her perspective it looks like this: I was never in love, I dumped you, I miss you now that you are not around, I am in love with you now that I lost you, I've changed, trust me. Yeah right. She is not a fool, OP, and she is completely right to step away and ask for no contact. You both need proper time apart to sort yourself and process the relationship as it was. Her reaction is actually emotionally healthy. Follow her lead and heal yourself and truly take a time out to do it. No, don't contact her in three weeks - it's meaningless and won't give you any credibility that you are actually working out your issues.

[LaHermes]

3 minutes ago, SooSad33 said:

Work through this kind of stuff BEFORE you consider getting involved again.

It is important that you address these issues, OP. 

[SooSad33]

4 minutes ago, DancingFool said:

Right now, you are in the throes of missing her, but....you have done nothing to fix yourself and what kept you at an emotional distance. All you are really doing is telling yourself that you will be different just because. Harsh truth is that if she were to come back today, it would only be a matter of time before you fall right back into your old toxic patterns. That's just how our brains are wired.

- Exactly.

Nothing that's happened between you two has been 'solved' or improved - no change. = same result.

 

[Rose Mosse]

13 hours ago, john deeb said:

What would you say if she messaged me during this no contact? 

Don't respond. Or, respectfully remind her of your earlier agreement.