Nearly 3 months and still in pain

[rionmccloud]

A little background, I feel, is necessary. I have read many posts on breaking up and healing afterwards, and let me thank everybody who's shared their pain so that others may learn. I am sorry for your pain, and I hope we all can move on and feel love once more.

 

We were together since high school, nearly eight years. Many ups and downs through all of that. Lots of bad stuff, but lots of good stuff too. Through it all we stayed together long enough to have a wonderful 2 year old son. Last September we bought a house together, and that's when it all began to fall apart, I think.

 

I had asked her to marry at the end of 2003. She said things needed to change before that could happen. Basically a maybe. At the end of last year we talked again and decided to marry in June. June 28th is out anniversary. It would have been 8 years then.

 

3 months ago I heard her on the phone tell somebody she needs to Find Herelf. A red flag immediately went up, but I guess I didn't really think much beyond it being an odd thing to say. A few weeks later she dropped the biggest bomb ever. " I don't want to marry you. I don't want to be with you. I don't love you anymore."

 

The next 2 months were a bad time. I was really going crazy. And now I know why it all happened. The new neighbor had ensnared her heart. She now sleeps with him on the couch while our son is in the next room. I watched our son last night and she spent the night with him. I'm doing better, but not well yet 3 months after it all.

 

I asked her if I was so bad through it all, and she said this. "I know if you lined me up with 9 of the most beautiful women in the world you always pick me." She never doubted my love, and does not now. I don't understand how you can know all of this and not want to continue with someone who loves you so much.

 

I want to stay friends. She was my best friend for 8 years. I just feel very alone, and not very loved right now. My days begin in tears, and end in tears, despite therapy and medication. I take it one day at a time, but that's almost too much. I love to see her when she picks our son up, but then my heart breaks when she leaves. I miss her lips. I miss holding her. I miss simply being able to look to my left or right and see her there.

 

I don't know why I'm posting this honestly. I don't really need the advice, because I've read it all on here already. I tried as much no contact as possible, but we see each other at least 5 days a week. I guess I just want to share my story as you all have done.

[skeeter]

Rion I know those words "I need to find myself" It's the same thing as saying I want my cake and eat it too.

If we get caught up in believing there is someone better for us then we already have then why even get married.

We get married for the reason we want to be with that person no matter what for the rest of our lives.

 

Its been nearly 3 yrs for me and I am still having bad times with it all. My Ex has kept her boyfriend relationship a secret to my son and me. I know he's more then just a friend but she nor he will admit it to anyone. My daughter says differently and the Ex gets mad at her for telling me things or for us even talking about it. The frst thing is we aren't supposed to as parents be inclluding our children in our problems. What a joke because they gew up with our problems and they see the changes.

 

Anyway there is no easy way to get over the way you feel. If you love your wife only you can decide for yourself what is best for you. Seperation is needed if u think u need to move on. Praying for ya!

[rionmccloud]

We never got married, Skeeter. I wish that was the case because she may have been more willing to work on things than to just quit all together. The hardest part is just being alone after 8 years. Nobody calls or comes to see me. She certainly never even calls to see if I'm okay.

 

Everybody says I'm free to do what I want now. The problem is the only thing I want is her, and that's impossible. I have hope for the futue but that's fading quickly. I guess I'm glad she's happy, but I wish she could understand what life is like for me and quit shutting me out.

[rionmccloud]

I guess I would like to know what can be done in this situation. I feel like I can't get away from thinking about her. I still love her very much, and nothing has changed that. I hoped finding out they were sleeping together, which I was sure they were, would help me not want her anymore. It didn't work though. I'm going to the gym and seeing a therapist, but I can't get distracted enough. I know I should date other people, but I don't want to. I just want to be with her and my son in our home. I miss the life I once had. What I have now is not even a shadow of my former life.

[Falucchi]

Instead of "dating other people" why don't you do more than go to the gym?

Surely there are some sick, hungry, injured, homeless, miserable adults, children or animals in your town that need some help?

Volunteer to help some 5-year old kids with cancer.

Volunteer to drive sick people to the hospital.

Volunteer to wash or walk injured dogs.

Volunteer to cook meals for people who have no couch to sleep on.

Volunteer to to bring toys to kids with NO mom or dad, or kids who's momma's boyfriend beat the crap out of them and are sitting in a institution waiting for the courts to charge mom with neglect.

 

IN short, quit moaning about how heartbroken you are (you're seeing a therapist- that's enough "me-time") and GO DO SOMETHING to people who have some SERIOUS problems--like cancer, or no legs or lungs that don't work.

It helps.

It really makes you appreciate what "pain and suffering" is all about.

Think about it.

Good luck.

[RandomAdvisor]

The fact that you have a child with her really complicates matters. If it weren't for your son, I would advise you to not contact her at all - but that's not possible in your situation. This must be very difficult for you, and after spending 8 years with her it doesn't surprise me that you're still thinking of her 3 months after the breakup.

 

Is she open with you about her relationship with this other man, or did you find out about it on your own? Did she start sleeping with this many before she broke up with you, or after?

[rionmccloud]

She started having feelings for him while we were together, but they didn't do anything until I was moved out. She's always been honest with me, and now I must force her to be because that's what I need to know. She tries to spare my feelings, but that doesn't help. It only gives me false hope. She says she thinks she loves him already, but I don't know. The main thing I want to be able to do is let go, but I'm not ready to yet.

[Hope75]

IN short, quit moaning about how heartbroken you are (you're seeing a therapist- that's enough "me-time") and GO DO SOMETHING to people who have some SERIOUS problems--like cancer, or no legs or lungs that don't work.

It helps.

It really makes you appreciate what "pain and suffering" is all about.

 

Falluchi,

 

That's not really fair. Of course there are people in the world who are suffering tremendously, but to Rion his pain is very real and very valid and he needs support and help, not to be told his pain is nothing compared to others' and that he has no right to grieve or ask for help.

 

Rion,

 

I'm sorry you are still having such a rough time. 3 months is not such a long time, esp. when you guys must be in constant contact because of your son together.

 

My best advice to you is to continue your therapy, try to get some exercise, and focus as much of your attention as you can on your son, and know that it takes time to heal.

 

Don't force yourself to date someone else if you aren't ready. When you are ready, you'll know it.

 

Hang in there.

[rionmccloud]

Hope- You're one of the people I hoped would reply. I'm a fan you could say.

 

I guess I just feel like if she can replace me that quick than why shouldn't I try the same. Besides, I just need to get out of the house more. I'm not looking for sex or anything serious, really. Just someone I can have a good time with. I feel the need to meet new people, as I've about exhausted my friends by talking about this all the time. Like I said nobody calls or comes over anymore. It doesn't help I have nothing in my apartment to do. Another reason i can't stay distracted. At work I do my job, listen to music, read enotalone, and draw all at the same time to stay distracted enough, and even that isn't enough sometimes.

[Hope75]

Rion,

 

I know how tough it is to occupy your hours, esp. when you are going through a heartbreak. Thanks for the compliment, by the way. I'm no Oprah, but hey, if I can help I owe it to enotalone to do so.

 

I guess I just feel like if she can replace me that quick than why shouldn't I try the same

 

If your heart isn't in it, it seems like it would be just a waste of time. If you want to get out and meet new people I say definitely go for it. As for dating, if you feel ready than give it a go. If not, don't push it. I tried dating very early after a breakup and it just reminded me that my date wasn't me ex and made it harder.

 

Another suggestion is signing up for a class. Do you have a local community or state college nearby? Look into some night classes, something that might interest you. School can be a wonderful motivator, a great way to meet new friends, boost your self esteem, and occupy some time at night.

[temperamental_taurus]

Hi, I'm sorry for what you're going through... I heard somewhere, that it takes AT LEAST the number of years you were with a person - in months - to start to feel better... so in your case it'd be about 8 months before things start feeling better. I haven't put this theory to the test recently, but I know that after I got divorced, it took me 6 months to finally adjust to the situation and we had been together for about 5 years - so I guess that would be about right.

 

Keep going to therapy, it helps and going to the gym releases all those endorphines - those help make you feel better. I wouldn't suggest dating right now, alone time is good for healing and finding yourself. I know how you feel, I'm all alone too after recently moving out and breaking up with my boyfriend. But, I'm beginning to feel good about it - all it takes is finding a new routine. At this point, I probably wouldn't go out with friends even if I had them, I'm hibernating so-to-speak... But trust me, it does get better. I loved my (now ex) husband... we were best friends for years, we have a son together as well... It's been 3 years since our divorce... I still see him because we do have a child together - and it's funny, I hardly remember being married to him, loving him and hurting as badly as I did when we split up. Time heals all things... just take it one day at a time... it does get better - I promise you that.

 

I look at all my past failed relationships as "Fillers"... what I mean by this is: obviously the relationship ended for a reason, the purpose of it was to learn from it, grow from it and fill up the time between then and now, to lead you to a different place that will eventually lead up to where you are supposed to be. And in order to get there you have to go through certain circumstances to make you the person are so that when you finally find THAT PERSON, the one you were meant to be with, you will be ready. Confusing, I guess... but on the other hand, it makes perfect sense too.

 

Don't listen to poeple who say quit whining... bottling it all up inside will just drag out the agony you are feeling right now. Just take each day, 24 hours at a time... and you'll soon wake up one day and realize, hey, I'm not hurting as badly today as I was a week ago! Come here often, vent all you need to - it helps... and also offer people you own advice - it helps make you feel better too (and not so alone because you realize others are struggling with the same things as well)

 

There are very compassionate people found within this website... they have been a huge help to me and I'm sure that you'll find that it helps you too... *hugs* to you - I know you prolly need them right now!!

[rionmccloud]

The only problem is I don't when I can go back to the therapist. I'm pretty much broke right now and can't pay the guy.

 

She was the one for me though. I just wasn't the one for her. I can still picture us old together. Grandkids running around. Next to each other in the old folks home, holding hands while in our wheelchairs. Sharing the oxygen mask. All the fun stuff.

 

I used to bottle all my emotions, but no more. That was the most destructive thing I could ever do. What scares me now is that cuting crosses my mind. I don't do it because I know it doesn't help only create more problems, but the fact if even enters my mind as an option scares the crap out of me. That's what the Lexapro is for though.

 

I hope to God this doesn't take 8 months.

[temperamental_taurus]

Well, please don't cut yourself - that's not going to help anything right now... and yes, I know that you feel that she was THE ONE - I felt the same way about my husband - that's why I married him... I was fully expecting to remain with him for the rest of my life... and then there have been 3 boyfriends since him... and 1 out of the 3 I thought, okay HE'S who I was supposed to meet... We all have the capacity to love many people in our lives... unfortuantely they don't always share the same feelings towards us... but many, many people DO find relationships that will outlast the test of time...

 

Medications are a good thing too, and if you don't find a bit of relief from Lexapro, talk to your doctor and perhaps there's another med that will help you more... as for not having the money for therapy, some insurance companies provide it and if not, come here... we're not professionals but we still are dealing with these issues everyday - so most of us are probably experts anyways!!!

[rionmccloud]

I'm just so exhausted by all of it. Being with her does help a bit, because I know she still cares. She is the one that always has despite what I do and who I am. However, she keeps pushing me away. I asked if we could hang out this past weekend, maybe just watch a movie, and she didn't want her new guy to feel uncomfortable with it. A note about this new guy:

 

This is my fault. He asked her "How about I come over and watch a movie with you sometimes?" She said" Let me ask Mike." So she did. I was not comfortable with it at all, but I didn't want to be an a**hole so I said sure. I trsusted her anyway, so despite how I felt I said go ahead. This whole situation would be easier to deal with if he wasn't in the picture. Then we could maybe work things out, but she's so caught up in him right now she isn't seeing the things I do to better myself like she's asked for years. She just sees that I'm still not over her and says nothing has changed. I say I'm trying to respect their relationship and be as good about things as possible and she's says I'm not. She doesn't see the internal struggle with things. Now she treats me in a way she's nver treated anybody before. I should be more important than that. I call and she doesn't answer the phone. She never calls just to see if I'm okay. She's erasing me from her life like what we had never even mattered in the least. Pictures are coming down of us and our child. She took my key to the house we worked for. I can't even drop by to use the computer if I need too. I did laundry there yesterday and she was mad because it took all day. She thinks I go through her stuff, and I don't. I never have said anything to her new guy although I would nothing more than do that. However that may be overpowered by the urgent need to punch him in the face, so I don't. She acts like nothing has changed and even people that barely know me have seen the changes.

[RandomAdvisor]

If she really cared, she wouldn't be pushing you away.

 

So she hooked up with a guy who put the moves on her despite the fact that he knew she was already with someone? And had a kid with them? He sounds like a real charmer. I'm not one of those people who believe in karma and "what goes around comes around," but I think your ex is going to get what she deserves from this guy. Once a cheater, always a cheater. She may not have cheated on you physically before you moved out (although I seriously doubt that), but she sure as hell cheated on you emotionally.

 

It's not your fault! You trusted her, and she betrayed your trust.

[rionmccloud]

Again, knowing all that changes not how I feel. That's the disturbing thing. The medication is making more numbed to it, but it's also numbing me to happiness either. I'm being flatlined emotionally which is a relief and a curse. I really fon't want her to ever feel what I do right now, but deep down I wish she could so maybe she'd understand it.

 

The thing is, the guy's not a bad guy. She had to shoot pretty high to replace me, and in a way that makes me feel better. If there's a possibility he could be a step-father to my son I'm glad he's a nice guy. I can't blame him for wanting to be with her. She's a great woman with a great personality.

[newts]

Hi Rion,

 

I also disagree with the poster who told you to quit whinning. Bottling up your emotions is far more dangerous than expressing yourself when you need to.

 

I am about to tell you a story, I don't know if you will appreciate this story, however, I was the one on your wife's side of the fence. I just hope this helps and you don't see it as been negative.

 

I met my ex-husband when I was 22 and he was 30, we moved in with each other after 2 and a half months and bought a house together 1 year later. I loved him more than life itself, and we had a loving committed relationship where it felt like we were the same person, one. We married 5 years later. 3months after the marriage, things started to go wrong, the love turned to bitterness and I constantly refuse to speak to him about how I was feeling as I didn't want to hurt him and was scared of the unknown. I also thought it maybe a passing stage.

 

My biggest problem was we got too comfortable, our relationship was far too predictable and was boring and I believe there was more to life than just existing. We had a few massive fights and I would ask him to leave or he would leave (mainly due to the fact I felt I couldn't express my feelings anymore due to suppressing them for so many months) Then he would come back the next day and act as though everything was fine, that nothing was wrong. This infuriated me even more.

 

This went on for nearly 2 years til it got to the stage where I couldn't stand looking at him and everything about him bugged me ( I of course didn't tell him this, as still I didn't want to hurt his feelings) We had our last fight ( the fight that broke the camels back) and I knew I couldn't continue this relationship, not even for another day. I asked him to leave and he did. In true form he came back the next day and acted as though nothing had happen. I actually told him how I felt, that I can't see a future, when I looked at him it made me angry, just everything about him angered me and that I had fallen out of love with him nearly 2 years previous. He was absolutely shattered. We kept in contact as we still had our house and belongings which we had to sort out. He kept checking up on me, by coming over in the morning before I went to work and in the evenings when I would come home from work. When he finally moved his belongings (2mths after the seperation) he would ring me and tell me he was going to commit suicide. This really hurt me, he ended up moving in with his mother for 6 mths and she took care of him. Maybe, this maybe a good solution for you, so all you have to worry about is YOU getting better, not what you are going to eat etc.... It took him at least 12mths before he started dating and feeling more comfortable about the situation. But 3 years down the track his life is better for this seperation and he is finally happy and in control of his life and he thanks me for shaking up his world to make it better for him.

 

This is the part which you are probably not going to like. I felt such a sense of relief when we separated. I was certainly not interested in dating by any means, I use to go out with men, but nothing serious. I met someone 7 months after the seperation and told him I couldn't give him anything more than friendship at this stage, he was happy with this as he too was getting over a past relationship. I was enjoying my freedom and the idea of making new friends for me not for us (my ex and I that is) 6 months after I met this guy we decided to start a relationship and we moved in together 2 months later. We lived together for 1 year and we broke up. (THIS IS THE BAD PART) I was more in love with him than my ex husband who I spent almost 8 years with. I don't know why, maybe it's because I really truly didn't know him well enough as we were still exploring each other. This is where the Karma comes in, after the split, he immediately started going out with somebody else and in 7 weeks they were engaged. This really hurt me, however, it has also made me think about how poorly I treated my ex husband and called him to say sorry, something in which he waited for, for 3 years. I certainly had no intentions of getting back with him, this situation made me realise how good to me he really was.

 

What I trying to say is time does heal all. Take all the time you need.

 

Hope it helped hearing the other side.

[rionmccloud]

I know I'll be fine, but the problem is I want to stop hurting. If I can stop hurting soon I lose the feelings of hopelessness and lonliness. Those are the worst. I've moved on to accepting things, but it all just hurts so much. I do love her and want her to be happy more than anything, but I really want it to be with me. I certainly am not thinking of suicide as myu son needs his daddy. She knows about the cutting thoughts, and I'm sure that didn't make me seem any saner. I am getting beter, but the progression is so slow it's hard even for me to notice it all.

 

As far as moviung back home, it won't happen. My parents don't have the room, and I moved out for a reason. It makes things a little tougher having only one income, but she's responsible for the house, not me. I don't want to see her suffer, but she'll have trouble with all the money issues soon. When that happens who'll be there? Him or me? Me of course. And does it matter at all? No it doesn't.

[Shidoshi]

Interestingly enough, I think the way you're behaving right now has a lot to do with the break up. You have to know that the way you're acting right now would be a complete turn-off to a lot of women. Of course it's understandable, many guys have had their hearts torn apart, but when you lay around miserable and depressed, and the woman that left you is having a great time with her new boyfriend, you have to start asking yourself, "what the hell am I doing"?

 

You are your own worse enemy. Why do you think your ex isn't going through all this pain? YOUR love for her was never questioned, she knew you worshiped her. I know you don't want to hear this stuff, but you really need some "tough" love to break out of this. The "truth" really hurts sometimes, but that doesn't make it any less important, and you need to HEAR it. You may even need to get a little angry about it. Picture her with this other guy, and how much fun she's having, then look at yourself in the mirror. If she could care less, WHY are you doing this to yourself?

 

Stop saying things like you love her and only want her to be happy. Yeah, you want her to be happy alright, with YOU that is. Guess what? She isn't with you, and could care less about you. You need to start reciprocating those feelings (not saying you start any unnecessary fights) by moving on and showing not just her, but more importantly, YOURSELF that you aren't some pathetic guy who's going to mope around and let life pass him by. You don't need to think about any specific amount time needed to get "over" this. It starts as soon as you want it to, and that should be RIGHT NOW!!!

 

Honestly, who really cares about all this but you? Come on man, get "angry" if you have to, anything to give you that jump start you need to get your life back together. Again, think about how many "sleepless" nights your ex is having because if this. She isn't having any right? What does that tell you? If nothing else, do it for your son. He needs a strong father who is capable of handling tough situations, show him that you can come out of this undaunted. You and your son are going to share a much stronger love and bond, than you ever had with your ex. However, this bond won't ever be broken.

[rionmccloud]

Thanks Shidoshi. You are absolutely correct. I try to get angry, and I do, but it passes quickly into sadness. I'm trying to get on with my life but right now it doesn't feel very worth it. I come home to an empty apartment with hardly anything in it. That's tough when we just bought all new furniture for the house, and I don't want to take any of it with me. She's gotten everything she wanted out of this breakup and is unwilling to help me by being my friend. Sure it'll be difficult, but it's much more difficult for me. I don't feel normal right now, and one thing that can help that is her being in my life every now and then. She doesn't even want to try it. I say "How about I come over and smoke a cigarette with you?" and she says "I don't think that's a good idea." So I say "Are you worried the new BF might not like it?" and she says " I don't want him to get the wrong idea." What wrong idea? That you're spending time with the person you've loved for 8 years? That you son's father is there? She's never had to feel any pain over this because she jumpd into another man's arms and bed within 2 months of the end. I've thought about doing the same, with a woman not a man, and the thought disgusts me. She doesn't even feel any guilt about it.

 

"If you love something set it free" she said to me. That's not reality. If you love something you keep it close. I wish it was like a movie. Then there would definitely be a happy ending, but right now it's all so scary. I'm used to having control over what happens, and some thoughts about what could in the future. Everything is so uncertain now I can't handle it all.

[temperamental_taurus]

The harsh reality is that although you may FEEL like her presense in your life will make you feel better - it won't. You'll be continuously hurt by each rejection - every time you interact with her. The absolute BEST thing you can do at this point is distance yourself - completely. She's with another man now, a man who she has only known for a short period of time - yet puts him before you and the family the two of you created. What you must realize is that she is no longer the woman who you feel in love with, she has moved on... what you are having issue with is dealing with the comfort zone you were used to with her in it. She's "familiar" to you... but you need to realize that no amount of begging, pleading or suggesting will change her mind right now... in fact, it may push her farther away. She may be back, once this new relationship fails, but hopefully you are stronger then and weigh the pros and cons of accepting her back into your life.

 

I know it's easier to make excuses TO be able to see her - you'll need to pull together all the strength you've got to cut off contact. I realize the two of you have a child together, but perhaps you can arrange to have someone else pick up/drop off your son - so that you don't have to have any interaction with her. And don't worry about the "stuff" that you guys had purchased together. Stuff is stuff and it can always be re-purchased... let her figure out her own financial stuff, she should have thought about all that before she left you.

 

I know it feels like your heart has been ripped out, I know it's exhausting and I know the flat-line feelings your having... but unfortunately this is the path that, although you wouldn't have chosen it, you must follow it. Remember, when one door closes - another opens... so do what's best for you - and I mean what's REALLY best for you, and do it with dignity - you can get through this!

[rionmccloud]

This is all true. The worst part is that I've lost my best friend. I really do want to stay friends. I know it'll never be like it was. I'm gradually accepting that. She will always be an important person to me for the greatest gift she or anyone ever gave me- Our son.

 

I was there all day on Friday at the house doing laundry, and the BF, who lives next door, never even dropped in to say hi. I'm really not the type to take it out on him. That wouldn't help things at all. He is a nice guy, as I said. I'm trying to respect their relationship, however much I don't like it. I just wish she would treat me fairly. Hell, her mother even has sympathy for me. I'm sure she's tickled about the new guy, but at least she can realize how hard all of this has been on me. I never thought she liked me all that much, but now I see she does. Unfortunately I've also lost her family, whom I like a lot. They were the only people to wait for my shyness to go away before deciding if they like me. I don't even want to think about holidays.

[Shidoshi]

The worst part is that I've lost my best friend.

The "worst" part is your current state-of-mind.

I really do want to stay friends.

Why? Not saying you should be enemies though.

I know it'll never be like it was. I'm gradually accepting that.

There was nothing "gradual" about her leaving, nor should you gradually accept things. Do it NOW!

She will always be an important person to me for the greatest gift she or anyone ever gave me- Our son.

A child is not a "gift" from a woman. It would not have been possible for her to concieve if you did not provide her with YOUR sperm. The child himself is a gift from BOTH of you.

I was there all day on Friday at the house doing laundry, and the BF, who lives next door, never even dropped in to say hi.

Why in the world do you care about whether or not this guy says ANYTHING to you?

I'm really not the type to take it out on him.

You don't need to take anything out on anybody. Look at him as your replacement and move on.

I'm trying to respect their relationship, however much I don't like it.

Yeah but in the process you have no "respect" for yourself as an individual.

I just wish she would treat me fairly. Hell, her mother even has sympathy for me.

Fairly how? By letting you cry on her shoulder for dumping you? Listen, "sympathy" is exactly what you don't need right now......period.

I'm sure she's tickled about the new guy, but at least she can realize how hard all of this has been on me.

What is it going to take to convince you she doesn't care? You are behaving in a very "weak" way about all of this. When is reality going to hit you? I could understand if you felt this way about something REALLY traumatic like losing your son to cancer or something, but this is very far from it, obviously.

 

Stop looking for "excuses" to stay all broken up over this. Understand that your ex is sharing her life with another man, they are sleeping together, enjoying themselves, and you are the last person on earth they would entertain spending even the most minute amount of time "thinking" about. I guarantee you your ex would see you in a different light if you moved on and found someone else instead of sitting around feeling sorry for yourself. You need to realize that it makes you look like less of a man to be soooooo hung up on a person who left you to be with someone else.

 

Trust me, women are not attracted to that mentality at all. I'd go as far as to say it "sickens" your ex to see you so weak. Yes, some women on these message boards will try and comfort you and tell you how special you are, but that isn't going to help you get out of this. The TRUTH is the only remedy that works EVERY SINGLE TIME.

[rionmccloud]

If it were all that easy then I wouldn't be on here, and neither would any of you. She will always have a special place with me. How could she not? I may be pretty weak right now, but I think there's a much less destructive avenue than just saying screw it and walking away. I know a lot of people think I'm doing this wrong, and maybe I am holding out hope that once the glamour of something new wears off she may rethink our relationship. But is that so rong? Is it so bad to move on but hold out hope of something more? Should I never hope for anything because of the possibility I may get hurt? That's not a world I want to live in, friend. The hope is all I have left at the moment that is not anger. She came to pick up our son today and I was brief, blunt, and somewhat cold about it all. Not rude, but cordial and no more. I'm not usually like that with her, but I've decided to deal with it all. No more begging, pleading, anything. I work on me and stay friends and whatever happens happens. I found God this weekend. All my life I've been searching and in one moment of pain I prayed. That prayer soothed me. I felt better before I was done with the prayer. I knew then that maybe there is something greater than all of it. Maybe there is a divine plan. And if that's true then this is all part of it, and I'm supposed to learn something.

[Shidoshi]

If it were all that easy then I wouldn't be on here, and neither would any of you.

I'm not saying it's easy, but if you keep thinking about how hard it is, that only prolongs the pain. I post on these boards for a number of reasons, primarily because I've learned from past mistakes in relationships and I try and help guys see what I didn't see, and avoid the heart break that usually comes with not fully understanding the dynamics of it all. I try not to be biased and only help guys, but I've got my own issues.

She will always have a special place with me. How could she not?

I'm not saying she shouldn't, but you don't need to focus on that right now.

I may be pretty weak right now, but I think there's a much less destructive avenue than just saying screw it and walking away.

Your current method, to me, is a LOT more destructive than saying screw it and moving on. There is no reason for you too wallow in misery when all that energy could be better spent in improving your outlook and letting go.

I know a lot of people think I'm doing this wrong, and maybe I am holding out hope that once the glamour of something new wears off she may rethink our relationship. But is that so rong?

Yes, because you are deluding yourself into thinking that she WILL come back. In fact, lets say she does come back. Do you really think things are going to improve? She left you once already because she wanted someone else, what does that tell you about her level of appreciation and commitment after all those years you were together, not to mention the fact that you have a child together? You also have no idea how long she's been wanting to leave.

Is it so bad to move on but hold out hope of something more?

Yes, because you aren't trully moving on if you're holding on to "hope."

Should I never hope for anything because of the possibility I may get hurt? That's not a world I want to live in, friend.

Think about it, that is precisely why you don't want to move on. You don't want to be hurt like this, and you're hoping she'll change her mind so you don't have to face it.

The hope is all I have left at the moment that is not anger.

However, in your situation this kind of hope is very "destructive."

She came to pick up our son today and I was brief, blunt, and somewhat cold about it all. Not rude, but cordial and no more. I'm not usually like that with her, but I've decided to deal with it all. No more begging, pleading, anything. I work on me and stay friends and whatever happens happens.

This is EXACTLY what you need to be doing. Keep this up man, you're on the right track and you don't even realize it.

I found God this weekend. All my life I've been searching and in one moment of pain I prayed. That prayer soothed me. I felt better before I was done with the prayer. I knew then that maybe there is something greater than all of it. Maybe there is a divine plan. And if that's true then this is all part of it, and I'm supposed to learn something.

Go with it man, you will learn a great deal from all of this.

 

I don't know how your relationship was before all of this, but I think I have an idea. You seem to be a bit of a pushover, am I right? Did your ex pretty much have control of the relationship? She definitely has recently, but I think that says a lot about how you behaved before you guys broke up. I'm thinking there was no "challenge" for her and she slowly began to lose interest until the marriage thing kind of put it over the top.