who has married but never"love" their wife or husb

[regret1]

I was wondering if anybody here has married but knew that they did not love their spouse on the wedding day. If you did, did you learn to love him or her after time has gone by? Who is married and know for the fact they do not love their husband or wife, but too afraid to leave. I know two couples that do not love their husband or wife, but they manage to live in a lie like they are the happiest couple. Doesn't that take a toll on you after some years. Just a question?

[kungfumaster]

Happens all the time in China I think. There is a huge pressure, especially for women, to marry, and if they don't, there is something wrong with them. I've met two of these divorced women actually, and when I asked them why they got married, they just said something in the vicinity of, "well, he was nice, my parents liked him and I wanted to get married".

[sisterlynch]

You move through all stages of feelings as the relationship keeps moving forward. Also, just because they say that they are unhappy, and their behavior tells you something else, doesn't really mean anything.

 

They could be lying about being unhappy. Why would they even need to tell you how they feel...if you can see that they are happy, why try to change things. Also, if you are a guy and it is the guys that have been talking, they may not be giving you the full intimate truth.

 

Maybe they are avoidant types and don't really want others to know how they feel.

[TheSmilingTurnip]

Hi -- I married my ex at 19. I thought I was in love. I didn't know what love was. I did not love him. How could I love someone who was constantly tearing me down? Well 7 years later I finally got the nerve up to leave him and know that I deserved something better. It was in about November of the year prior that I knew that I didn't love him. And then the following March, I moved out.

[regret1]

kungfumaster,

 

Yes, in asia, most marriages are arranged. They never love in the first place nor they will ever. But they learn through compassion to care for their spouses. They did not have a choice. But that is the old days where they did not believe in divorce.

What I am talking is when a person feels obligated to marry someone because that person has treated them so well. I am in a situation that I do no want to be in too. I have dated my boyfriend 4 years, i do not believe that I love him. I am afraid that I have wasted four years of his life. He is an excellent boyfriend, who dream of marrying me. I do plan to marry him because he is great. He will give me the world. However, I feel guilty that I cannot return the love he has for me. I should have been strong and broke it up after a year. I could not bare to lose the best guy in the world. "One in a billion" He is honest, sincere, has values and morals. He never lied to me and treated me like a queen.

 

I do want to truly love him more than anything in this world.

[Hope75]

Do you have any feelings of love for your bf, if not "in love" feelings?

 

4 years is a long time to play a charade with someone whom you do not love. What do you tell him when he says he loves you?

 

Try to look at the situation from the other side: would you want to marry someone who was not in love with you? Would you feel you deserved more?

Would you feel cheated out of true love because your bf lied to you and told you he was in love with you? (I don't know that you have lied to your bf about this or not).

 

I wonder if by accepting a proposal from this great man and walking down the aisle with him if you are cheating him of his chance to meet someone who is as enamoured of him as he is of them.

 

And what of you, say you do marry him, what if in 6 months or 6 years or 16 years later you meet someone where to sparks fly and you really feel it with this other person, are you going to be tempted to cheat on your husband, or worse, leave him and be forced to come out with the truth, that you never did love him in that way?

 

Just some food for thought. What do you think?

[regret1]

Hope75,

 

The actual lenth of time we dated is 6 years... I did not want to say the truth because I was afraid if he knew it was me. Because he knows I get on this website. I do not think he knows my true ID though. You are right, when you not in love you tend to stray. I feel bad. The story to this relationship is that I knew he was the perfect guy when I met him. When I brought him home to my family, my parent fell in love with this guy. My friends, relatives, and grandparents even said he is "one in a billion." Even a forutne teller who saw him at my house told my parent that his is the most honest guy a girl could ever have. For the last 6 years he has never lied to me at all (small or big). Of course I liked him and cared for him but never the "in Love feelin."

thereforeeee, I cheated. This will sound even worse. I met another guy (guy B) three years ago who was also heads over heels over me. He was like an orbit while I was the earth. I never really gave him a true relationsip because I am with my current boyfriend. He begged and begged to break up with my current boyfriend and be with him. I never did. I strung him on for 3 years. Why did I do what I do. I do not know why. I was too scared plus I never knew what love is. Finally, the guy B, left me and found another girl. Then finally, I knew I was in love with "guy B." I begged and cried but it never help. He will not give me another chance, and now he is a liar. He tells me he loves me but he is happy with the other girl because I never gave him anything but pain. Now i am depressed more than ever.

After this affair, I finally realized that the current boyfriend is the best guy. Yes, he asked me to marry him and nodded yes. He even took me to look at gorgeous home which we will live when we are married. He has caught me sending emails to "ex-lover affair." He did not say anything because he does not want to lose me. I stop contact with the "guy B"

I believe that now since I am more mature now, I can marry this guy and give him the happiest family. I have been doing for 6 years now. I do care for him deeply, but not in love. And yes, I do say "I love you. "

I need Dr. Phil

[Jetta]

Regret1,

I am one of those woman. I actually thought I could grow to love him, as I didn't really believe a deep kind of love existed. I know realize differently and am in the process of divorce. We get alone fairly well. He says he loves me and treats me nicely. I had gotten out of an abusive marriage and kind of got pushed into dating before I was ready. Everyone kept tell me how great he was for me and I just sort of followed along and after a while figured the next step was marriage. I have felt like I was living a lie ever since, even though I was honest with him throughout about my thoughts and feelings. I still feel like I'm forcing kisses or hugs. It's just unnatural and it does take a toll.

 

Funny I should read this because his good qualities are why I stuck around, and even now we're amicably divorcing. It's hard to leave because I know worse is out there.

[PAdreamer]

I know that a lot of times it's a cultural thing. In many places arranged marriages are still the way it's done. What throws me for a loop are the NON cultural situations! For example, I know people who are in relationships and no one can understand why! One girl I know married simply so she could move out of her parent's home! But they aren't in love. I'm sorry, but in a situation like that, I would DIE before marrying someone for money or financial stability!!!!

[regret1]

Jetta,

 

I do read your post, that is why it gave me the courage to write and seek advices. Do you say you love your husband? From the outside, does people around you see your relationship as the most perfect loving couple? Another question I want to ask, if you do break up with that person do you feel sad? Do you think about him after-wards?

Yes, he makes me happy by being the prince charm. He is a wonderful man. I do not even believe that these kind of men actually exist. Maybe I need him to dump me or get me jealous than I will miss and love him. That is what happen with the "guy B." When I actullay lost him, then I found a profound sadness. What do you think about that?

[kungfumaster]

regret1,

 

the thing is, if he dumps you or gets you jealous, then it will be too late!!

 

you realize what you have now - why do you want to lose it?? for most of us, its too late... i mean, we don't realize what we have until we lose it, but you see what you have right? or do you?

 

maybe, just picture your life without him - can you do it?? can you see yourself happy without him - truly? (don't think about what other's think - just yourself).

 

take care and good luck.

[babybees]

I am wondering what is the meaning if you always have a bad timing in dating someone you'd like to date. Does it mean he/she is really not meant for you?

 

I dated this guy once and i liked him and i know he liked me too. He actually wanted to wait for me before [i was in a separation-divorce process back then] but i still held a heavy baggage by then, so bad timing. Then few months past, and i felt ready to start dating again, when i contacted him, he got a gf already, so bad timing for us again. Now that I have a bf, he is single. So another bad timing!! We both know we have feelings still somehow. I think like a crush feeling..maybe our feeling is still there because we never get a chance to have a real dating with each other.

 

So do these bad timings can mean something?

 

I feel like I emotionally cheated my bf since sometimes i still think about this guy. And worse, he told me he's gonna wait for me again?

 

 

-babybees

[babybees]

OOps...sorry guys,,,sorry regret1..

I was reading your post earlier..but then i clicked on post reply instead of new topic for my posting by accident. And realized it after.

My apology for the confusion..

 

 

-babybees

[unhappyinlove1]

I think often people don't realize the intensity of their feelings for another until they lose them - or until there's some major drama. Most relationships don't maintain that intense "in-love/lust" feeling after the first year or so... (exceptions include unhealthy, unstable relationships and relationships where both partners really work to keep things exciting) instead you develop a much more meaningful, but calm love and profound respect and tenderness for your partner. There should be moments of passion - but they are often few and far between.

 

I also think many people today have some sort of grand idea of love forced our throats from TV and movies where "real love" has the earth moving, angels singing, lots of romance, and crazy feelings. This doesn't last - that's why movies end when the guy and girl get together - not 5 years later when they're sitting down at the dinner table sorting through their bills.

 

I'm not sure how old you are - but that desire for crazy passion/lust - is something I grew out of (It's based out of fantasy). Perhaps you haven't had enough experience with dating and are afraid to never again experience that "in love" feeling. In sum, maybe you're just not ready to commit. As I got older and more experienced at dating, I realized that there is a far more profound and important love that you can know (it only comes with time and a good relationship - and it takes over after the lust dies down. - I wouldn't be surprised if you're there, too).

 

I don't know if this helps - but if you're not ready, you're just not ready. You may have some lessons to learn or some experiences you feel are missing from your life - if so, go get them! Don't have any regrets later in life. Best of luck!

[brando]

Falling in love is easy.. loving someone is a challenge.

 

Love is a choice, an action, the more loving you are towards someone the more love will be their between two people.

 

I read something once that the more one asks themselves if they love a person, the more answers will be produced that they do not.

 

I think some people can be addicted to that in love stage. SO they go from relationship to relationship to get that high again. It is after the in love phase has passed, and the lust has died down.. that the relationship really begins to develop.

 

It seems nearly everyone is looking for their soulmate, i hate to say it, it isnt that way at all, it is something that needs to be worked at. Their is no falling in love and living happily ever after, at least not with some work on ourselves in relationships. Being aware of ourselves, of our partners, seeing what works what doesnt work, accepting the person and not so much their behavoir. I believe their is a difference.

 

A friend of mine once told me that it is okay to be mad at a friend or partner, but it does not mean you love them any less. I thought about this for some time and it made sense. I never learned this before.

 

Harvel Hendrix wrote a book Getting the Love You Want. He has some interesting insight to relationships and why we do the things we do to get love.

 

Hope i did not stray from the topic..