Stay as a friend?

[Naëlle]

Hi everyone and thanks in advance to anybody who will take the time to read my message :). 

I'll try not to be too long (edit: I'll be, sorry about that). About a little more than a year ago, a girl in my class began talking to me (we weren't friends before). I knew she was with someone but for some reason I quickly began to think that her intentions weren't really clear; her energy towards me wasn't one of a friend. I knew of course that it was probably me imagining things (she had previously appeared really loyal and serious) but I couldn't get this idea out of my head. Shortly after, I had the confirmation that I was right. I knew this was a really really bad start to a relationship and that it was wrong for me to fall for someone who wasn't single. I had been cheated on in the past and I know exactly how it bad it hurts.

But it was too late. Not because of what had happened but because I almost immediately fell in love. Usually I have a really hard time connecting with people. So when a connection happens, I can't choose to ignore it even though in this case, of course, I know I had to. For a more than a month, we had this kind of secret relationship and to this day it's still one of the happiest period of my life. So weird to say that when you know that your actions are indirectly hurting someone else – but it's the truth. I know this sounds awful. Then something happened where the person she was with found out a sort of clue about what was going on. That was kind of moment of realization for her and she then told me that we had to stop, that she didn't want to loose her partner. Then, to sum things up, we spent the following months talking to each other everyday, almost every hours, we couldn't see each other as before because of COVID. Almost each time when we had the chance to meet in person, something would happen, and then her reaction was always the same: there is something really special between us, something that I can't ignore but this has to stop, I can't break up to be with you, I don't want to, I'm not ready. She was ok with having me as her friend where as, of course, wasn't, at all.

I would often decide that it had to stop, I would try to stop talking to her, a few times she came back and most of the time I came back. One day we had a long discussion where she told me that she always had a really hard time figuring out what she was feeling for me and then she told me that she finally understand that… she wasn't in love with me. 

Then I tried really hard to act a friend, not only to act but to erase what I was feeling because each time I chose to stop talking to her, I felt absolutely terrible. It never seemed to get better – I was missing her even more each day. I tried to convince myself that I could be her friend. Of course not a regular friend, but a really close friend – whatever that means… Because I was absolutely terrified to become a stranger to her. For a few months nothing really happened but each time she was kind of drunk, her behavior towards me was different, she seemed closer to me. Then we would have another fight and she would tell me that she wasn't in love with me. One night, she was very drunk and she finally told me what I had wanted to hear for months… Everything that I wanted to hear actually. Mostly importantly that she was in love with me. The day after, she told me that actually no, that wasn't the truth, that it was a mistake. (I'm trying to write only about the facts but you can imagine how ***ing devastated I felt)

After that, I tried to stop talking to her for good. But as I mentioned in the beginning, we are in the same class and have the same group of friends (who, of course, I had to lie to, to keep the secret) so I hear about her all the time and it makes things even harder. I came back. Then again, same ***, act like a friend, talk almost everyday but I was always waiting for the moments where she would be closer to me (mostly because of alcohol or because she was sad…). Then stop. Again. This time for the longest time since the beginning. She tried to come back (but still wanting to be friends). I said no. But then I finally came back. Here I am. Totally lost. I didn't really mention how I feel but I feel absolutely awful. I know that the only logic and raisonnable thing to do is to stop. Because I am feeling deeply sad being her friend. But then when we don't talk, I become desperately sad, I almost can't function normally, I can't focus on work, I cry all the time. They say it gets better everyday but no… For me it really doesn't. I get trapped into a furious sadness that leaves me miserable. She still wants us to be just friends. I don't know what to do. I really don't. I'm totally lost. (Precisions : I've been in therapy and it didn't really help and no, she isn't straight).

Any (well intentioned) advice or interpretation is welcomed. Thank you. 

Naëlle (pronouns : her/she)

 

[MissCanuck]

You need to stop contact with her, and you need to get your own life back together. 

Be civil when you see her in person but this emotional affair is not right and you're never going to get better if you don't stop lurking around in the wings for her. Being her friend is unrealistic. 

She is not a good friend, and she's a terrible girlfriend. You need to take her down off that pedestal and see this person for who she really is: someone with a broken moral compass who takes advatange of your feelings for her. 

[Wiseman2]

12 minutes ago, Naëlle said:

 I've been in therapy and it didn't really help and no, she isn't straight

Sorry this is happening. She seems confused. Is she bi? 

Distance yourself from this. She's too confused to be your friend or GF.

[SooSad33]

Yes, as MissCanuck said, she is messed up.  And has brought you into her mess 😞 .  She has no respect, for anyone.  It is selfish behaviour and has messed you up in some bad ways.. The on/off actions.

She's been cheating on her BF. She's been leading you on.. and on.

None of this is healthy.

Yes, you are in therapy, but before any of this becomes effective, what you're doing has to stop.  Therapy helps you work through things to help you improve (and vent ).. and better coping mechanisms..but the problem is still there. So, you cannot really work on correcting your problem, while it;s still in action.

I'm sure your aim is for all of this to just stop.  Then YOU have to stop it.

You need to find that inner strength and keep fighting it all.

She is NO good for you.  This you need to realize. (put yourself in her Bf shoes- what would you think if you were dating her and she was doing this to you?) ..Pretty nasty isn't it?

So, she is not such a kind person...

I know you feel so drawn into it all. because she knows she is your weakness and has been playing the game.

Back when it all began and the first pull away happened, is where it should have remained.. You no longer involved with her.

As for 'friends'?  No.

We cannot be friends with people like this- they are not good for our health (mental health).

When I've had to split from an ex, we were not friends.. especially if I was the one dumped 😞 ... I had to pull away totally & stay there. We cannot be friends with our ex's unless or until we know we are over them.

So, for your own well-being, you need to be stronger than this and keep away from her, totally. Start focussing on yourself and realizing you need someone in your life - and be involved with someone who is NOT playing headgames or involved already.

Believe, this can be done.