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Struggling relationship


willowsmith

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We have been dating going on three years. My boyfriend is overwhelmed and stressed at work; he works a very stressful job, all of his time gets poured into it, which I understand and accept. He takes his stress out on me though 90% of the time, blaming me, verbally attacking me on things that don't matter or make sense. This week three fights were on: how bad his back was, we've been trying to resolve this by doing countless things I've been researching the refuses to go to doctors I help him with workouts and yoga, but he doesn't do them unless I force him and I'm not going to chase him around every day to do whatever, well one night he was complaining over and over again he said he didn't have time to do anything because he had a meeting so I didn't try to give him a workout and I usually don't unless he asks me, well he sparked off on me telling me I don't even care a lot of other things were said, but I just got up and walked away because I knew it was the stress and not him. The next fight was between both of us; he'd been working, coming home, eating food, studying, then going to bed for two weeks again, I understand. But the one night we planned to spend together, he gets high and falls asleep on the couch. Also, I know how stressful his work is, so I wasn't up. Still, the next morning, he forces me to wake up like he does every morning when he feels like it is time for me to wake up and is teasing me and making fun of me while making me wake up. I'm aggravated and ready to pop off, but I try to calm myself down and talk to him instead. he walks away while I am talking and doesn't come back to finish the talk for five or so minutes. During that time, I was like, leave it alone he is stressed. He has a lot of work to do. Go work on your studies. It will be fine. He comes barging in and very aggressively, asking me if this is how it is going to be.
I don't respond because I can't talk to him when he is like that, he doesn't listen. He left the room, slamming my clothes around the apartment. I cook 3-4 meals a day, I clean (he cleans the restroom), and I'm as supportive and understanding as possible, but I do not know why I insight so much anger. I don't straight up ignore him. I respond calmly. He doesn't listen, just verbally attacks, and only hours later, he comes out and apologizes.


Still, I don't feel like he learns cause it happens again next week. Just now, the day after that fight, he gets mad at me because the food was too salty. He helped me prep the food today because of the fight yesterday he always tries to make up for it the next couple of days. But he added way too much salt, and it ruined the food. I wanted to fix it and offered and made his other stuff, and he just said I don't care and told me. I told him, "just eat the food and deal with it," but I never said that. Please take into account there is a language barrier. He apologized and asked me to eat with him, but I told him no, that he is a grown man and should act like that regardless of how stressed he is, especially to the person trying to help him. He said he was just hungry and wanted good food that he hadn't eaten all day, which he had I saw him. He ate leftovers because I refused to cook for him as much as I usually do because of how he was acting. 


If you are still reading this, thank you. I'm not easy to live with, I know that, but it feels like I am receiving an unnecessarily large amount of crap. Some more significant events have happened previously that have made me distance myself from him. He knows that and is constantly reminding me about it but leaving out the significant part, which was the action which he did. I'm still trying to heal from that and tmi, but he complains that we don't have sex partially because of that event, but it started before that. He ignores me or is immersed in work that we don't spend time together, and when we do, he is continuously teasing me or picking on me. Before this larger event, I've told him that if he wants to have sex, he has to put in the effort that I can't be the only one doing stuff "in the bedroom," but he never does. Now I am at the point where if he doesn't want to try, neither do I nor will I let him do what he wants and leave me stranded.
I don't know if he is manipulating me, really even cares about me, or is just overwhelmed at work. Or if it is just me, which I don't doubt, but I want to know. Thank you for reading this long message.

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Ok so not only is he verbally abusive but he's physically abusive as well.

I'm not going to give you the typical "you should leave him" advice but I don't have any other suggestions other than to hope he's working with a good therapist and is willing to make changes for the better. He's got a long way to go.

Meanwhile stop trying to be his mother.

 

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Stressed or not.. your partner should NOT be acting out like this!

Do NOT blame yourself for HIS behaviour.

This is not acceptable... he is not trying at all.  Then he gets nothing!

He's demanding ( not respectful).. Don't play his games.  Good on you to refuse to make another meal.

It is also concerning his behaviour ( similar to circle of abuse).

If this is it, you need to get out of this...  Do you think he may not change... Is time to get out of this.

 

Understanding the Cycle of Abuse:

4 part cycle.

 

1. Tensions build

Abusive partners often lash out in response to external stressors. Anything can fuel tension: family issues, trouble at work, physical illness, fatigue.

Frustration and dissatisfaction intensify over time, often prompting feelings of powerlessness, injustice, anger, and paranoia.

Sensing the simmering tension, you might try to find ways to placate the abusive partner and prevent abuse from happening.

You may feel anxious, on your guard, and hyperalert to their potential needs. You might alternate between tiptoeing around them, trying not to set them off, and making an extra effort to provide physical and emotional support.

2. Incident of abuse or violence

The abuser eventually releases this tension on others, attempting to regain power by establishing control.

Abuse might involve:

They might accuse you of making them mad or blame you for your “relationship problems.”

Keep in mind that people choose to abuse others. Any tension they experience may help explain the abuse, but it never excuses it.

3. Reconciliation

After the incident of abuse, tension gradually begins to fade. In an attempt to move past the abuse, the abuser often uses kindness, gifts, and loving gestures to usher in a “honeymoon” stage.

This devoted behavior can trigger the release of dopamine and oxytocin, helping you feel even more closely bonded and leading you to believe you have your “real” relationship back.

4. Calm

To maintain peace and harmony, both parties generally have to come up with some sort of explanation or justification for the abuse.

The abusive partner might:

  • apologize while blaming others
  • point to outside factors to justify their behavior
  • minimize the abuse or deny it happened
  • accuse you of provoking them

They might show plenty of remorse, assure you it won’t happen again, and seem more attuned to your needs than usual. You might begin to accept their excuses, even doubt your memory of the abuse. Maybe it really was nothing, like they said.

This reprieve offers relief from the physical and emotional tension and pain.

You might feel certain that whatever upset them and triggered the abuse has passed. You can’t believe they’d do anything like that again.

 

(And the cycle will repeat over time).

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4 hours ago, willowsmith said:

he physically hurt me. he apologized and started going to therapy since.

Stop excusing his abuse as stress. 

It's not stress. The man is abusive, even if the physical abuse only happened once. He evidently has continued to verbally and emotionally abuse you. That is not caused by stress. It's caused by a toxic, abusive character. 

What is the reason you stay with him when he treats you with so much disdain and contempt? Have you sought therapy for domestic violence victims? I would strongly encourage you to do so. It will likely help you see that you need to end this. 

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Why are you there!?  He is physically and mentally abusive.  He does not respect or love you and is dangerous to your physical and mental health!   What does he have to do for you to finally leave?

Stop excusing his behavior.   

Get out of this relationship!

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8 hours ago, willowsmith said:

he physically hurt me. he apologized and started going to therapy since.

Immediately end it. There's no reason to be with an abuser and you know this.

Therapy is not going to fix or change him.

Tell trusted friends and family what's happening. Read up on abusive relationships. 

You need to talk to a therapist to undo the damages done by being with someone like this.

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18 hours ago, Hollyj said:

Why are you there!?

because i don't have family. I moved across country to receive treatments I dont have any friends out here. I recently had brain surgery and still can't walk properly I had a contract based job before my surgery which I lost and still havent been able to find anything. I am in so much debt and he has been paying majority of the rent while Im trying to find another job.

 but everyone is right it is just an excuse and i need to try harder. thank you guys I do appreciate it. I needed to hear it. I honestly felt like i was just crazy and over reacting. Cause before with the tumor that did happen a lot.

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