He can't decide - what am i supposed to do?

[mjayne]

My BF and I broke up in march for about a month, but we continued to stay together and we eventually had a long heart to heart and go back together.

 

He betrayed my trust and and hurt me so deeply, because the night before we broke up I was kissing another girl. I only found out about it a week later when someone slipped up and then found out after we got back together that he kissed her more than once after that.

 

I was absolutely crushed because i never expected that from him, I have always had so much trust in him.

 

I've been trying really hard to deal with it. It goes fine until i get a mental image in my head and then i just don't know how to handle things. It was a once off, and we had broken up, but as much as i try and trust him I still end up accusing him.

 

A week ago I went out with some friends who got me so drunk, I don't remember the last half of the night except bit and pieces - My BF wanted to take me home because I was incapable of standing by that stage and I didn't want to go. By the time we got home I had started fighting with him.

I've never been an aggressive person, but for some reason I went mad...

I told i hate him, that i don't trust him and that I want to break up with him. I tore him to strips for hour and basically broke him own. I kept trying to leave, but he stayed up the whole night and looked after me. I even pushed him against a wall and has big sores on elbows from it.

 

I have no idea where all of that comes from, its not like me to act like that. I feel very ashamed about it. I spent the whole day apologising, but he didn't want to talk to me - he eventally left. I know I must have hurt him really badly. The part about not trusting him - yes there is truth in that, but the rest - not at all. I remember feeling completely emotionless at the time of the fight, but i just wanted to hurt him as much as he had hurt me - I wanted him to understand how much he had hurt me.

 

When he got back that night i asked him if things were going to be ok, and he said he didn't know. He didn't talk to me for a couple days, but i was sending him smses and email him and telling him everything i felt and kept asking him for feedback and not getting any. Then it prgressed to small talk which was an improvement. The fight was on saturday, So I phoned him on tuesday night to try and talk to him and he said he didn't want to talk over the phone when we were both working, so i asked if he wanted to break up and he just said we would talk later that night. So i get home and he decided to go out with his friends instead and stay at their place. Friday night I tried again and asked what he wanted to do about us and he said he didn't know. Saturday I phoned him at work and said we need to talk and get it sorted out and he said we'll talk the next day. Yet again he decided not to come home. Eventually when he did i was so pissed off and left. Yesterday he phoned and it was more small talk. And then last night when i thought we'd get a chance to talk he didn't come home again. So I phone him today and said that this can't carry on any longer and we need to talk and he said we'll talk tonite and said no we'll talk and asked him what his game was and what did he want and guess what ? HE STILL DOESN"T KNOW!!!!!!

 

I'm so hurt and angry - I've never felt emotion like this before in my life. I just don't understand. I don't want to break up with him - he knows that. But I don't want to be with someone that doesn't want to be with me. I've given him every oppertunity to break up if that's what he wants, but he won't tell me what he wants. Its been more than a week of this nonsense now and I can't keep hanging around in limbo. IF thats what he wants I want to remove myself from the situation.

 

When I spoke to him earlier i eventually told him to forget it and hung up.

Afterwards I sent him an sms saying that actions speak louder than words and that i'll take that as his answer. I told him to let me know when i can phone the landlord. I asked him if he enjoyed his little sleepover. I then said that i was not a fool - its only him and his friends that seem to thinks so. I said shame on me for giving a damn and that i had spent every second of everyday considering how my action affect him and its a pity he never even did it once.

 

Well that was a few hours ago and i haven't heard back.

 

Any idea as to whats going on? Cos i'm clueless! And I'm going mad! I hate this and I hate feeling this way. I love him so much and we had just started sorting out all our problems.

[mjayne]

It really difficult to say screw him. I know that would probably be the right thing say. But when was good it was really good. And it was pretty good until we had problems. We were really sorting it out. I just don't want to be the person that says forget it, especially if that not what either of us want! But i still don't know what he want, but i can't wait around forever.

I'll probably end up take your advice anyway cos love can only get you so far - there alot of other stuff involved and if he can't come thru for me then there's no point!

[heartbreaker23]

well im not pressing anything on you but once a cheater always a cheater. i would know because i am a cheater and if you get away with it once you think you can do it again. but good luck with that i hope everything works out for ya.

[RandomAdvisor]

Both of you have good reason to be upset with each other. He cheated on you and that was flat out wrong. No excuse for it. On the other hand, you still decided to get back together with him after speaking to him. You chose to forgive him, but obviously had a difficult time of it afterwards. I know how you feel - my GF kissed another guy two years ago and I forgave her for it, but it was hard.

 

But then after you forgive him, you really let him have it when you were drunk. But he took it! The fact he stayed with you, cared for you, and let you verbally abuse him made me think he felt guilt for what he'd done and was willing to stay with you.

 

But then he avoids talking to you again about your relationship for days and doesn't come home at night? You sure he's not cheating on you...?

 

At this point, I think you've done all that you can. You've put your foot down and let him know how you feel. If he doesn't respond and talk to you now, it's over. If he eventually does speak to you again and you try to work things out with him, you have to really ask yourself if you'll be able to deal with the fact that he kissed that other girl. This is two fold. You can't throw it in his face again, even if you're drunk. Also, are you sure you can trust him not to cheat on you again? I'd say his current behavior is highly suspicious.

[DN]

Why did you break up in the first place? I know he kissed a girl the night before but you said you only found out about that later. So what was the reason for the break up?

[mjayne]

We moved in together, and it was a little bit tougher than either of us expected. For him, it was a problem to let me know if when he'd be home etc. He said he didn't want to have to behave as though he was married. I can understand that but i always let him know where i was etc and he came to rely on it. He also had to grow up pretty quickly and decided he wanted to act his true age as though he has no responsibilities.

 

But it was a very brief thing, and we have spoken in depth about it, he admits that he was wrong and that no matter how hard he tried to act like a kid again its just not who he is. His mini midlife crisis was followed by the kissing incident. I do think that it was isolate becos it check out with what other people have told me and up until now we were pretty inseparable.

 

But its got to the point now when i know where he stayed and although he claims it was all innocent, i don't know if i can trust him and the fact that he is not talking to me or trying to sort things out is telling me that i'm not important to him. Its just so hard becos we have always had an incredibly open and honest relationship and we were friend first and foremost.

 

I would never behave the way he is becos its lacks consideration and respect (irrespective if he has cheated on me again).

 

And you know after the sms (see in my first post) i sent him I would expect him to say something about it, but when he came home he acted as though nothing had happened and kept trying to act as though there was no problem. It was just cheesy small talk. I didn't really answer back and just said hi and bye when I left for work. I want him to know how much is upsetting me, but at the same time I don't want him to see me as a quivering mess .

 

And then I went and fainted at work - first time ever in my life that I have ever fainted - imagine that a fainting barlady! So I know this whole thing is taking its toll on me.

 

But I've booked a flight to the other side of the country and I leave tomorrow. Its just a few days, but I want him to think about everything and worry the #$! out of him when he notice I haven't been home for 5 days (Its very childish - i know) and I want get away from the situation.

 

I really don't know what I should do - Things he has done are not something he would do normally, this is what is confusing me. I know how it looks and I know how it feels and I know I probably should be part of it. But its so difficult to end something when I haven't even been given an explantion!

[DN]

Does he know you are going away?

 

Beware of trying to teach someone a lesson by drastic measures - sometimes they backfire on you!

[Falucchi]

Why do you like being with someone who...(these are your words)

betrayed your trust

hurt you so deeply

makes you absolutely crushed

hurts you so badly that you become aggressive person who went mad

and makes you so hurt and angry in a way you've never felt s before in your life

and then....

breaks up with you

doesn't want to talk to you, avoids you, dismisses you

claims he 'doesn't know'

 

Okay, so tell me why you want to and choose to be in this situation? You said you are just starting to sort out your problems, but it seems like this whole situaiton is really sick and unhealthy.

Why are you putting yourself through it? I mean, what's to "love" about this or him? Sorry baby, but this isn't what LOVE is all about.

 

Why do you "love" and stay with and want someone who treats you as bad as you treat yourself?

 

I mean, who cares what he thinks/wants-- why are you even sticking around making yourself sick and insane??????????????

[mjayne]

Well that last post has left me feeling really crap.

 

Why? Because we've been together for a long time and he wasn't like this at all. Something changed drastically and I'm the first to say I can't do anything more than i have.

 

Its difficult to walk away from something when you can't quite figure out what happened. He was my best friend, a person that made my whole world open up. Its just difficult to understand everything that has happened thats probably why I'm here submitting posts, because i'm trying to get an outsider's point of view, but it doesn't really help if the outsiders don't really know the full story.

 

One thing we all have to realize is that every story you read on this forum is one sided and usually written by people who are feeling very sorry for themselves - like myself.

 

I agree with you it is unhealthy and even though everything that has happened occurred in a short space of time in a long relationship, the impact was big. I do feel that too much damage has been caused and that its virtually impossible to fix that. In my mind it is over. But I need to understand before i walk away.

[mjayne]

Hey DN,

 

 

No I haven't told him, but I expect him to phone to see where I am. If he doesn't do that then I know he really doesn't care. He was (is?) my best friend, but if he doesn't check to see if i'm ok then I'm not only losing a lover I'm going to have to say good bye to a friend.

 

I come from a country were there are frequent hi-jackings and crime is a big problem, that why I always asked him to let me know where he was, not becuase i was checking up on him, but becuase you have to be careful. So I guess its a bit of a test. I'll have my phone with me the whole time and he can call me anytime.

 

I do need to get out of the situation though. Just so I can think clearly and make some proper choices, its very difficult to do that when you are in the midst of things.

 

I can't spend another day sitting at home not knowing where he is and wondering why he doesn't care. Hopefully he'll phone soon and then realize he has a few days to himself to sort things out and then we can take it from there. Its just so difficult because he was never like this, he is by nature a really caring person and we've always had a good relationship. I don't know whats going on with him, but he has lost the plot and it hurts to know that he couldn't just be honest with me.

[DN]

My advice is never play games and never impose tests. It can kill a relationship stone dead faster than you can blink and often proves nothing except that the relationship is now past help.

 

The best way to solve problems in a relationship is to talk about them honestly and openly.

 

Decide what you want, find out if he can give it to you or not and then decide what you want to do. What you are planning is passive-aggressive and is not a good way of dealing with problems.

[lilred]

Hi mjayne:

i just wanna say i'm so sorry for your grief----but i'll try to explain his actions to you cuz i was once in your bf shoes---i cheated on him and my bf was completely heartbroken--and HE wanted to work it out w/ me --just like you wanted to work it out w/ your bf even though you both were in the "right" and we were in the wrong

 

i treated my bf (now ex) really crappy during the time we were supposed to be "working things out" b/c i thought i was in love w/ the other man---and finally he couldn't take it anymore b/c of my lack of effort--and we finally broke it off

 

--hindsight 20/20--i think that he was the best thing that ever happened to me and i regret cheating on him so much---i always think if i wasn't so stupid that we would probably be married by now---instead of being on this website asking for advice on how to get him back

 

--what i'm trying to say is that he probably has feelings for that other girl, or doesn't feel like your relationship is 'worth working out' ---for the time being--(on later will he realize what a jerk he is)--maybe he is "bored" of it all--who knows---i'm only speaking from my own past experience

 

but all i'm saying is that hopefully---he'll come around and realize what a good thing he has going for you--but by that time it's probably too late and YOU will have moved on

 

---if you really feel like he's the one for you---i wouldn't give up hope and keep trying---but sometimes you should just try being indifferent to him---just like he's doing to you---or you can just "let him go"--and sees if he finds his way back to you---let him realize that the grass is not always greener (like i did)

 

--it sucks but i bet that if you seemed "strong" to your bf--it'll be a lot more attractive to him than wearing your heart on your sleave and spilling your guts out to him---at least that's how it was for me at that time

 

best of luck!

[mjayne]

Hi Lilred:

 

Thanks for the advice. I have to agree with you about being a stronger person, because it is not a attractive/appealing to be a mess and begging etc. I have tried to act like that but its so difficult because we always spoke honestly about our feelings in the past.

 

I went away for the weekend and I wasn't going to tell him, but he phone me about an hour before I was due to leave. His reaction was as expected "oh thats nice blah blah blah" He said he had phoned because he had so much to tell me and when I asked him what he had wanted to say he said he had forgotten. He always act as though everything is fine. Even when his brother died last year he acted as though everything was fine, I guess that is how he deals with things. On Saturday night I went out and I missed him so much, I don't know why it hit me then, maybe its cause I was far from hom and hadn't seen or heard from him in 2 day, but eventually is smsed him and said that I missed him so much and that I wish that none of this had happened, i wished that i knew what was going on with him and why he couldn't just talk to me. I was pretty bummed when I didn't hear from him, but he phone me early the next morning and we had a great chat and he asked when i was getting back etc and I said I would meet him at his work when I get back. I did but he was really busy so I couldn't really talk to him.

 

Before I left, I was in quite a state I was willing to leave himm for good. Because he can't treat me like that and then pretend everything is fine. While I was away I missed him so much and I think he missed me too. So now I'm open to the idea of seeing if we can work it out, but then he has to come thru for me. I need time to talk to him properly. If its not going to work, then at least I know I'm leaving for all the right reasons. I can't just leave now not knowing whats happened or why.

 

I told him last night we have to talk, but I don't know when because we are both so busy this week.

 

 

I really need him to come thru for me now. hold thumbs!

[cassiana]

Hi there myjane

 

I know how this happens. They are great to you at the start, everyone thinks you are the cutest couple ever then the more immature partner finds it all a little too real and tries to sabotage it. You know in your heart that this was great, you know they care yet here they are treating you like the scum of the earth. What can you do?

I'm in a similar situation. I finally lashed out at my ex two weeks ago. But I didn't apologise because what I said was true, he was being selfish and cruel.

I totally understand why you got mad. You tried to hold it together for so long, tried to be forgiving and crap was your thanks. Even Jesus blew off steam. You have cut him so much slack that he should have cut you slack.

 

I think, and this is just my opinion, that you shouldn't have apologised. He is the cheater and by apologising for your undersatndable outburst you have put him in the stronger position. My advie to you is go away and do not tell him at all. He didn't consult you when he was kissing another? Don't try to contact him. Sometimes its hard, but less is more.

Very best of luck.

[Rainz]

I understand your frustration and I can tell that you really just want to get through to him.

 

I have been there, I understand when all you want is to just understand where he's coming from and to just not get any response back. I went through something very similar when my ex and I split. That was about 3 months ago up until now I've not had any acknowledgment or response.

 

It sounds to me that you have made a solid attempt at trying to talk with him/ get through to him, sms's, etc etc....

 

I think Falucchi's post is hard hitting however quite on point.....you said yourself you told him actions speak louder than words, I'm a believer of that too.

 

What do you think of his actions? Ask yourself this and answer to yourself honestly.

 

He's distancing himself from the relationship, being avoidant etc, huge red flags.

I think you now need to build yourself up, get on and do for you right now.

 

As hurtful and as painful as it is, you want to be with him, your certain of that, he's telling you he doesn't know, so he's confused.....if you continue to try working at it right now, you're onyl going to cause yourself further heartache, pain, disappointment...right now that is.