Advice

[The_Doc]

Hi All

 

So I'm a newbie with a broken heart desperate to get back with my ex but struggling to know what to do. A bit of background. We were together for 4 and 1/2 years and lived together for almost 3. In the past year we have seen much less of each other because her work meant she was travelling a lot. Anyway out of the blue she told me that she wasn't 'in love' with me anymore but still loved me very much and wanted me to stay in her life as a very special friend. This was about 5 weeks ago.

 

Anyway due to work commitments we are now separated geographically by about 600 miles and while i now have a place of my own the majority of my stuff is still in our old home.

 

While I didn't beg or plead with her to change her mind, we remained in contact almost daily for the first month during which I tried to remind her of the great times we had had, crack jokes to make her laugh and indulge her by listening to her when she called to tell me all about her life, work etc.

 

I don't think there is anyone else involved, there is little evidence of this.. she seems to feel that there is no room or time in her life right now for a serious relationship and that she wants to focus on her career. For her she seems to feel that the relationship has simply run its course.

 

We met for dinner and drinks a week ago when she was in my town. While she had not had a change of heart thre was a lot of warmth and affection from her, she linked arms, gave me afew hugs and was visibly upset. At no point did she wish to bring the meeting to and end in a hurry and finally after over 5 hours together we said our goodbyes.

 

Her friends told her to go NC to let me heal but she made it clear in the next few days that she didn't want to do this because she didn't want to 'taint' the special relationship we have and because she genuinely enjoyed our conversations and text messages.

 

However while she is reponsive, kind and warm I have to say that I am the one who initiates the majority of the contact. As someone else said on this website that is great when she replies but if she doesn't it sends me into a downward spiral of depression.

 

After reading all of these threads I have decided to try to go NC, although I don't know how I will find the strength as I love her madly and miss her everyday... and I remain convinced that we are each others soul mates.

 

Anyway all advice is welcome but in particular I have a few questions:

 

1. The NC rule. Do people suggest complete NC or do I reply if she initiated contact?

2. I assume I don't actually tell her that I want/need NC but just 'drop off the radar'?

3. Its my birthday this week as well as her's and I expect she will call to wish me the best. Question is can and should I break the NC rule to wish her all the best? Will it seems mean and spiteful if I don't.

4. Finally in this age of instant messaging what do I do about IMs? As we both log on from ourplace of work if I am NEVER logged in will it look like I am deliberately avoiding her? Should I do this or should I carry on loggin in as normal but simply refrain from sending any messages unless she sends me an IM?

 

Thanks everyone in advance... I need the mutual support.

[michelemybell]

Hi there,

Im sorry for what you are going through. A breakup can be extremely difficult--as you are already figuring out!

The point of NC on your part has many benefits. It allows the other person to miss your presense...and that might ultimately drive them back to you. Right now, she can not be with you but since you are there all the time she doesn't have to miss a thing. She knows you'll always be there. People want what they can't have---If she thinks there is a chance you wont always be there, she'll most likely change her mind.

That's why it is imperative you go to NC. That means complete NC. Even if she contacts you, you dont answer. That means you dont wish her happy birthday and you dont take her calls. You ignore her IMs and you definitely dont respond. You dont have to do this forever. Just long enough until you can get your feet back on the ground. This can take months.

No contact sounds like its being cruel, but you have to consider this: SHE LEFT YOU. The problem is if you stay in contact, she figures you will always be there at her call. She will most likely date other guys, but always know you will be there in her life and know that if things dont work out with the other guys, she can come back to you (This is insulting to you--You become nothing but a backup plan). She will have her cake and eat it too...and you will be heartbroken even more.

No contact is imperative too for another reason--You can start getting back into your own life and not feeling so dependent on what her feelings are at any given moment. You will also free up your time to do hobbies, work on your career, start a business..whatever---That in itself will make you an even more attractive person to a lot of females out there. Your ex will also see you in a completely new light and realize what she is missing. And if not, you will be in a better place anyways. You might even get to a point where you dont want her in your life!!!!

So ABSOLUTELY NO CONTACT NO CONTACT NO CONTACT. NOT EVEN A LITTLE CONTACT!

Keep us posted on what you end up doing!

Michele

[sidhat]

Dear,

 

I can understand the situation you have is really hard and painfull for you.. I would suggest you to think from the brain not from your heart.. bcoz in thses situation heart always messed up.. you have to put her in the same situation that you are in so you can see that how much see miss you..

 

If there is no body behind then you are in a good position. Dont pressure her to come back.. You need to give spark in your relation.. Do things which you didnt do when you was with her,, like plan for vacation, hiking, gym, make yourself intressting...something to make her intrest in you again.

 

If you thinking for NC for getting her back then It will be really hard for you because NC is the way to forget your ex and get over your feelings and emotions about some1..

 

So think from your mind ..

 

Good luck..

[fIIsion]

We share common themes from our break-ups.

I too was in a long-term relationship ( 6years), when my ex told me that she no longer feels in love with me but loves me as a special person.

 

I have tried to understand her feelings and also refrained from begging,etc, we also agreed to be friends.

 

My problem also lies with me making most of the contact, it seems she makes very little effort unless she needs something.

 

You will need N/C at this stage for you to try begin to heal ( easy enough to say.....I still hurt very much).

As for her Birthday, I would call and wish her a happy birthday, etc, this person has been in your life for a long time, it shows that you still care for her.

Its a very hard thing to have to go through, I love my ex g/f like no other and we had that special bond.......I don't know whats going through your partner's mind.....like my own, Its amazing how changes in a person life can effect how they feel about the one they claim to love, perhaps one day she might realise what she's missed, perhaps not.

I can only advise, like what I'm doing is to take each day at a time, become more distant to your ex, so that she will realise that you are not always going to be around.

[heloladies21]

1. Do No Contact strictly. She's gonna have to make a real effort to try and get through and it can't be too soon.

2. You can let her know why you want NC, to let you move on.

3. Don't break NC no matter what or else you'll have to start all over again at square 1.

4. Ignore all IM's, text messages, letters, all of that.

[The_Doc]

Thanks for the advice everyone. God it was tough no to contact her just for one day. This is the longest time since she broke the relationship off 5 weeks ago that we have gone without any communication!

 

I miss her so much and I want to hear her voice badly.

 

2 quick questions:

 

1. My worry about NC is that it will make her think I no longer cherish her either as a lover or a friend and it will make her seek out someone else to provide the emotional support I have continued to give her.

 

2. Instant Messaging. My computer automatically logs me on to 2 IM services both of which have her as a buddy. When she logs on I know and vice-versa. Should I deliberately 'block her' or not log into these services so that she knows I am not there! Again my concern is that by doing this she will think I am slamming the door in her face.

 

Sorry if these questions sounds pathetic. I have never had a relationship end like this before and I have no reference point. All I know is that I love her so very, very much and know that we can still be great together.

 

Thanks everyone

[simon_uk]

So what if she thinks you are slamming the door in her face, she did that to you when she left you!!!

 

I am in the same position, my ex left me almost two months ago because she said she wasn't "In" love with me but always wants me in her life as I am her best friend. So how come she hasn't messgaed me to find out how her best friend is coping? Because it is BS designed to make me feel better! As far as I know there is nobody else but something is keeping her from me. If she is not happy with me then I am not too selfish to let her find what she wants but please don't patronize me with that best friend bollocks. If she really did think that of me then she would have asked how I am, instead what did she do? In response to a letter I sent her four weeks ago, she rang my Voice Mail at 4 AM and left a love song, when I jumped at the opening she again slammed the door in my face!

 

Your ex dumped you for her own reasons and selfish or not you have got to do the same. You do NOT want to be around when she is telling you of her dates and the minute she finds somebody new, IF she does, you will be out of her life in a flash!

 

Think of yourself and your own feelings, not hers, to hell with what she thinks!

 

And for the record, I hvae been apart from my ex for 7 or 8 weeks, total NC for nearly 4. Yes it is hard, yes I still lover her more than anything and yes I still want her back. But only if she decides she wants to come back.

 

Hope that was helpful?

[The_Doc]

Heh All

 

Wow some interesting and tough advice…

 

First time I've been on this end of the break-up side since I was 21 years old (and that was a long time ago). Also that relationship ended because there was another guy so I didn't want her back. The hard thing about this break-up is that she has just decided that there is no future in the relationship and that she has dfferent priorities in her life, principally, as I said before, her career.

 

I know she gets lonely and is unhappy with shuttling from one city to the next every week, sometimes more than once a week. She has rarely lived at our 'old' home in the past year and since the break-up has spent no more than a week there out of the past five. She seems to have thrown herself totally into her work losing touch with her close friends (who are all in the city I am currently living in) and rarely socialises, except for work-related dinners. She basically lives out of a suitcase.

 

I know she LEFT ME. But I don't feel any animosity towards her. On the contrary I really feel for her and so much want to reach out. Thats why the NC thing is so hard and why I am worried that if I strictly enforce a NC rule she might seek solace somewhere else because of her loneliness. But euqally as Michelle siad I can't be her 'back up plan'. She has to realise that if she wants emotional support and affection it has to be in a relationship not in a one-sided friendship.

 

I know there's no hard and fast rule on this but at what point do you abandon NC? What are the signs that reconciliation may be on the horizon? And what do I do about the fact that all my stuff i still at our old home? Wait until she uses it as an excuse to contact me? Allow it to remain there as a reminder of me? Or clear it out and make her miss it?

[simon_uk]

I hear what you are saying Doc. I have no animoity towards my ex either. I just want her to be happy and if that is without me then so be it. But I do not want to hear about it if she is seeing somebody else I am afraid, hence I have to go strict NC. I would like nothing more than to be her friend, in fact I still am, i have not fallen out with her, I just cannot be in her life right now, not that she is doing anyhting to keep me in her life. Who knows maybe in the future I will feel different. All I know is that I love her, I don't blame her for anything, I want to be with her, I miss her. But unless she contacts me and says she wants the same I point blank refuse to set myself up for more pain.

 

In response to your question, what are the signs that reconcilliation is on the horizon?

 

When and only when, she says to you.................

 

" I want to try again"

[The_Doc]

I fecked up! I broke no contact and called her, and yes it was ultimately unsatisying because I haven't given her the time to miss me.

 

Sure we had a 'nice chat' but I was left disappointed and sad.

 

She had just got back to our old home from her travels.. kept making lots of joke comments about whether she could hire me as her domestic help because the place was such a mess.

 

I told her I still thought of it as 'home' and missed it, missed the homeliness of it.

 

She said I sounded good and asked what I had been up to. I told her I had seen some of her friends and that i was getting a bit tired of being the one to have to break the news to them when they asked me about us. She also asked what they had said and I told her that they had been shocked and thought that we should try to resolve differences.

 

Overall the tone was upbeat, funny, good hearted. I said that I wanted to see her (needy again I know) and she said we would but not before June because a) she was busy and b) she didn't think I WAS READY for it yet

 

I said to her 'Why did we have such a great time together last week' -- and she replied with the heart piercing 'because we are good mates'!!

 

Overall I know that all this conversation did was a) confirm to her that I am her friend b) I am still chasing and hence the 'tin of soup at the back of the cupboard' that she can always rely on if it is ever empty c) disappoint me

 

Strangely enough it didn't make me depressed or bring on a flood of tears, so I suppose thats progress.

 

I do however keep dwelling on what someone said on here about there ultimately be nothing you can do to 'change someone's mind'... that whether you chase or cut them off if they change, they change and in the overwhelming majority of cases they don't.

 

Feeling like its a hopeless task.

[michelemybell]

Don't beat yourself up. I think everyone has made contact with their ex after they were suppose to do NC. But we've all learned that it's just completely hard to still talk to someone when you want more from them and they are talking to you in a nonchalant friendly way with no emotions really attached to it. It's heartbreaking because you are realizing that it's really over and yes, there is nothing you can do to change their mind. NC kinda prevents this tug-of-war with your emotions. You wont get that feeling anymore everytime you talk to her. NC is really really tough but if you control your impulse everytime you want to talk to her, it will start getting easier and easier. It's like an addiction--You just have to get over that initial withdrawal and it gradually gets easier.

 

The good news is that even if it may be hopeless with your ex, it is really not the end of the world. You're just not seeing it right now. Right now you are probably thinking that you can't ever live without this person in your life--that life will be one depressing day after another without her. Once you start really getting back into your own life, you will find out life is pretty sweet and that there is so much more outside of this one girl.

I honestly thought I'd die without my ex in my life. I just decided one day that I can't keep on going back anymore and I forced myself to move on even though I was dying inside. And honestly I can say that even though it was one of the worst experiences in my life, it ended up to be the best thing that ever happened to me. It gave me the push to kickstart a new and awesome life.

The same thing can happen to you. You just have to be willing to let go. At least make a deal with yourself---Say for the next two weeks you wont talk to her at all. Do everything in your power to stick with it even if you feel like you're going crazy if you dont. Post here instead. Do something else.

[The_Doc]

Thanks for the kind words Michelle.

 

Today is a tough one... its my birthday and the first I have spent without my ex for 4 years. Waking up and not having them lying next to you is always tough but especially today.

 

She said she would call me on my birthday and I half expected (hoped) she would call me first thing but of course she didn't. Everyday has been hard but today is the worst. Tomorrow will be tough to.. big dinner with friends most of whom know us both (although see very little of her these days) so while it will be nice having the support of my friends there will be an obvious empty seat at the table (so to speak).

 

She sent me load of instant messages yesterday and tried calling (I left my mobile phone at home). When I asked why she had tried calling she said it was because we didn't get a chance to finish our chat on Tuesday. So she said she would call yesterday evening. Eventually a text message comes through saying she was 'pretty busy' and would call today instead. More disappointment -- I didn't respond to the message.

 

She says she considers me a very special friend, wants me to always be in her life but it hurts like hell that she has emotionally and mentally moved on so quickly. There is still genuine warmth and affection from her but some days she contacts me a lot and then other days she disappears off the radar screen completley.

 

I know you will all tell me to go NC for my own good, and you are all probably right, even if it doesn't bring her back I need to do it for my own sanity... but I am sure that so many of you also appreciate how tough doing that is when all you want is to hear their voice.....

[The_Doc]

I got the call... 4 and 1/2 minutes for 4 and 1/2 years....

 

Should I tell her I need a period of NC or just do it? Of course I want her back but become ever less hopeful that any change of heart is going to happen in the short term and know that I can't wait around for that change in the long term for my own health and sanity.

 

Please advise... as I said earlier, having a really bad day today... happy birthday to me!

[michelemybell]

A big happy birthday hug to you!

I know today might be hard for you, but try to enjoy it as best you can. Try to avoid her calls and maintain no contact. Dont explain why to her. That's just trying to get a reaction from her somehow.

Most of us here have gone through the same thing and it was really tough. None of us have more willpower (well, maybe some do, but I sure didn't) to get through this. It's just from experience we know that the best route is no contact. It's the only way she'll realize your worth. Otherwise she'll continue to take you for granted and you'll feel worse. You can't change someone's feelings by being there all the time. In fact, it could make it worse.

No contact is the only thing we can give you here. If you keep on going back, then there's nothing we can say or do here that will make you feel better.

[The_Doc]

Question for all of you who have dumped someone you were in a long relationship with (especially the women).

 

Did you ever miss the dumpee? And what if anything did any of them do that made you miss them more? Was it NC or something else?