Is it our relationship or living situation?

[Leonie]

I have been with my boyfriend for 3 and a half years. We lived together for 9 months before I moved out as the house was too small. I lived in an apartment on my own for 5 months and saw just as much of him as when we lived together. He lost his father very suddenly at the end of last year which was terrible. We decided to move to a new bigger place of our own. After 3 weeks a friend of ours moved in temporarily as he was going through a rough time. Then one of my boyfriends friends also moved in who I didn't really know we decided to rent the spare room to him and he paid in full for the year. The other guy moved out.

 

Since then our housemate has completely taken over the house - his stuff is everywhere - he has spent all this money we did not ask him to spend on the house, it is like there are three of us in the relationship. To make matters worse he has bought my boyfriend all this stuff boys toys etc. it seems like he wants to make it into a bachelor pad! My boyfriend and I were rarely getting anytime together - it was horrible. He is completely buying my boyfriends attention with all these expensive gifts I eventually asked him to find somewhere else as I just could not live with him - he is moving out on the weekend.

 

Our relationship has been suffering quite a lot recently - I felt like I was the lowest of the low on his list of priorities and it even felt he was going out of his way to spend time with me. We spoke about it and he admitted that since his dad died he was going through this 'I'm going to do whatever I can to do as much as I can in life', he said I am the best thing in his life and he loves me - but sometimes thinks there is a wall there that stops him thinking we will end up together. When I told him our housemate had to leave - he was initially annoyed but then came round saying he is happy when he knows i am happy and he supports my decision, but to just get it sorted as he feels at the moment his life is so complicated. His other friends have noticed a change in his attitude towards everything since his Dad passed away too.

 

I know I have been acting a bit needy - looking all glum when he doesn't pay me attention I guess smothering him a bit - and I know I need to back off - I am just confused are our problems a combination of our living situation and the loss of his Dad or is it us?

[sonjam]

Leonie, it can be a combination of all the things you mentioned. Yes, it is better if the friend moves out, but also, give your guy a bit of breathing space, they need to be alone, and do their own thing once in awhile. Find an activity that will take you away from home maybe one afternoon/evening in the week. That will give him room to invite his buddies over, and be boys.

 

With his Dad passing away, it can be quite a shock and can cause behavioural changes in people, but these changes usually does not last forever.

 

I think you should ease up a bit on him, and things will be ok.....

[RayKay]

It is probably a mix of all your suggestions, as it seems he has been clear to you about what is going on and that you are very important to him.

 

Losing a parent when you are young is terribly hard on a person - I know my mother lost her mother when she was only 27, with two kids and one following not long after that. It was soooo hard on her as her mother was well, her mother, and very close. It was one of only times I ever saw my mother cry in front of me, the next time was when my grandfather passed away four years ago, and then when my own boyfriend died. Death is hard on people, and does give us new perspectives, I know when my past bf did die it changed my life focus, my goals and perspectives.

 

The stressful living situation probably did not help matters either. But remember even though the friend is moving out people do need their own space - a relationship has two complete people, interdependent people...and that means having their own space to be individuals sometimes. Trust me that it will actually strengthen your relationship to have some space for each of you.

 

Keep the flow of communication open, and good luck!

[Hope75]

I agree with the others that a combination of factors are causing his change of behavior. I'm sure losing his father caused him to take a hard look at his life and make some changes, but as sonjam has said, he still makes it a point to tell you how important you are to him.

 

Why not give him his space for a little while? Being clingy and needy is so unattractive (trust me I've done it) and esp when he is thinking he needs space and time to do things he's always wanted, that is the last thing he needs from you.

 

Take a class at night a few nights a week, or pick a night or two a week that you meet with the girls for dinner and a movie or drinks. Giving him a bit of distance and having more of a life of your own is mysterious and attractive to a guy, and shows you can be independent too. It will be good for both of you and also give you something new to talk about when you do spend time to together.

 

By all means let him know that you are available anytime to talk or listen if he needs to talk about his father or anything that comes to mind.

 

Good luck!

[SilverManic]

The thing is when you lose a parent it can cause a lot of trauma for a long time. It's very hard to get over. But he will get over it. Just be there for him when he needs you and yes do back off a bit you don't want to smother him do you?

Take care,

~S.

[Leonie]

It is weird because I am usually so not the needy type. So I will definitely concentrate on giving him the space, I think I need it too!!! Once our housemate moves out I can see how him being there has been clouding my judgement and how much his presense has been causing the rows.

 

I have been kicking myself because with this particular guy this scenario happened before - his friend's wife threatened to leave him if her husband didn't stop spending every spare moment with our housemate. So it seems to be history repeating itself almost. It is such a hard situation because as the recipient of all these gifts (I'm talking expensive stuff like motorbikes) my boyfriend is hardly going to want that to end - even though I strongly believe nothing is for free - there is always a catch.

 

Going to an exercise class tonight and then running which should be good. Just want everything to settle down again! Thanks for the advice! Leo