I feel awful about what I've done to someone

[kathyb]

Hello OP,

 

I think you did the right thing and it doesn't help you to beat yourself up over it now. As others have pointed out, you have no clue why he actually left school. Maybe it was because he couldn't handle the rejection, maybe it was not - but even if it was the reason, it still doesn't make it your fault. It was his decision, plain and simple, and you didn't make this happen.

 

For everyone saying OP overreacted -

Not so long ago, I went to an all-boys school as the only girl. It was not a good experience, and this was largely because almost every single boy in my class was trying to get into my pants despite me not being interested at all. But I was a "nice" person, and I didn't want to hurt anyone. So I was always very kind to them. Spoiler alert: Being nice and kind did nothing but make it worse. After a year of constant harassment, I left that school.

But by far the worst part of that year was the suicide of another student, and many people would say that boy's death was my fault.

 

I met him on the very first day. He was the odd one out: not participating in group excercises, not talking to other students, keeping to himself. He seemed like he could use a friend, so I planned to talk to him during the next break and see if he wanted to get lunch with me. But before I could do that, he walked up to me, introduced himself, and said he could tell I wasn't like the other kids (no joke, I was like 10 years older than everyone else!). We talked for a bit, and from that moment on, he was constantly around me. The conversations we had were casual (school, food, finances, the weather) but I quickly found his behaviour off-putting. He literally followed me everywhere, including the toilets, butted into conversations I had with other people and teachers, made weird comments and by the end of the first week, he proclaimed his undying love for me. I was taken aback, reminded him I had a boyfriend, and gently but surely tried to distance myself. But he somehow got my phone number and started texting me. I told him I was not interested. I told him I didn't want to be his girlfriend. Finally told him I didn't want to talk to him at all because he was acting like a creep. He didn't care. He wrote me love letters, changed his relationship status on facebook and asked me out like every day.

 

Everyone told me I was overreacting, it was just a crush, he didn't mean any harm. All the while he was stalking me, harassing me. I had to hide in school because when he spotted me he'd follow me all day. When he saw me talking to someone, he'd do something to harm himself and send pictures to me. "I had to hurt myself because you cheated on me!"

Had I been younger/less experienced, this would've traumatised me. I would have felt immensely guilty. I would've thought I was a terrible human being. But I knew what he was doing was manipulative and he most likely suffered from mental illness, so instead of having a breakdown I tried to get him to see a therapist. I told the school nurse, the counsellors, his sister. Everyone downplayed his behaviour. "It's just a crush. He just wants your attention." So eventually I felt I had no choice but to cut off all ways of contact with him. I got rid of my mobile phone, deleted social media profiles, and transferred classes. When I saw him I left. Less than a month of no contact and he committed suicide. He wrote a note, in which he once again confessed his love for me and said he saw no point in living without me. I barely knew him. And I refuse to take any kind of responsibility for his actions. This didn't happen because I rejected him - this happened because he was not mentally stable, had a drug habit and most likely a personality disorder.