I told my BF I need some space and NC...possible breakup

[coasty]

I have been in a relationship for just about 7 months. Since 3 months, I have been having the feeling that we were just not right for each other. These feelings would come and go. Lately, they are very strong.

 

Two weeks ago, I told him how I felt and he cried and held on to me and asked me to give him another chance. That he was sure we were right for each other. I feel really bad and hate that I am hurting him. I told him I needed time and he said that he'd give it to me. I really didn't get it and I really didn't push the issue either.

 

I feel that this is not the man for me. But, something is stopping me from totally breaking it off. Why can't I just say that I don't think it is going to work out? I just feel so horrible. I do love him, but I really don't feel like I can stay with him.

 

Since that happened we haven't had sex and I don't really want to have sex with him. For the longest time I've felt like kissing him just wasn't the same. I'd be thinking while kissing him that I really wasn't enjoying it.

 

Tonight, I told him that I need time and space. I suggested no contact and he agreed. I also added that he was not to phone me or email me. I asked him to allow me to make the first move. He told me, "I'll give you as much space as you need. There is one thing I know *****, we are good for each other. If you give me another chance I will prove it to you and I promise I will never disappoint you again. You are the best thing that has ever happened to me and I want to prove it to you every day. I know we love each other and we can get through this." I've thought that I should just make a clean break, but the fact that I'm uncertain makes me think I should give it some time. Take the no contact time to figure out what I really want.

 

Why is this so hard? Could it be because deep down I think I am making a mistake? I just don't know. Perhaps it could be that I am doing something that I really haven't done a lot of. And that is following my gut. I've not done a lot of that in my life.

 

Please help me to understand why I feel this way if you can. Has anybody felt this way when breaking it off with someone?

 

Do you think I'm doing the right thing?

[DN]

Take the no contact time to figure out what I really want.

 

That is the right thing to do. But make sure that you don't take too long - you don't want to hurt him unnecessarily. Make it a specific time.

[Aaryn015]

Coasty, This is exactly what I am doing right now, but I am the guy of the relationship.

 

The similarities between our situations are almost identical, except we have been together for 5 and half years. I'm pretty sure that what you are feeling is pretty common.

 

My girlfriend is also understanding, giving me time to try to work out exactly what I want. That's her in a nutshell. She would do anything for me and like you, feel guilty for the way she is feeling.

 

All I can say is that I think you are doing the right thing. Think about it, but also think about other things other than your boyfriend that may be contributing to your dissatisfaction. I am beginning to realise that there may be other factors in my life that may be contributing to the way I view our relationship - including mild depression based on other things I have noticed.

 

Like DN said - don't take too long and make a specific time. If my girlfriend is anything to go off, he will be in alot of pain right now, and having doubts about how long the wait will last will only make it worse. I asked my girlfriend to give me a month max (she booked a flight home for tonight as we are in a foreign country, but with lots of friends, but I asked her to wait as I knew the flight would spell the end outright). I plan on taking no longer than 2 weeks though, possibly less. What I am hoping for from this time alone is me remembering all the things about her that I simply can't live without and taken for granted.

 

Like you, I am still undecided. But I am trying to balance my decision making time with her feelings. I only suggest you do the same.

 

If you are still undecided on your pre-agreed "dead-line", it might be better to end it than both of you go through it again later.

[gianni]

Hi,

 

Coasty, my ex did the same thing.She also asked for space and time ot think it over, and I also gave it to her. I gave her all the control.

 

That was more than a year ago. I havne't heard from her. It took me months to accept that she was possible of doing that to me, and I will never forgive her for it. I know you are in a difficult position, and in a way having the control makes it evenworse, but please don't do what she did.

[coasty]

I haven't even set a time yet. I suppose I should. Our last correspondence was last night by email. I couldn't even bring myself to talk to him on the phone because I knew he would cry and try to convince me that we were right for each other. I'm thinking two weeks. I don't think one week would be enough time for me.

[coasty]

Hi,

 

Coasty, my ex did the same thing.She also asked for space and time ot think it over, and I also gave it to her. I gave her all the control.

 

That was more than a year ago. I havne't heard from her. It took me months to accept that she was possible of doing that to me, and I will never forgive her for it. I know you are in a difficult position, and in a way having the control makes it evenworse, but please don't do what she did.

 

I could not do that to him. If I decided it was over I'd tell him. My problem is not ending it because I don't want to hurt him, and because I'm not sure that is what I want to do. Sometimes it is, sometimes it isn't. I'm sorry that happened to you.

[coasty]

Aaryn015, it is tough isn't it? It must be even harder for you since you two have been together so long.

 

Do you think that if after the two weeks are up and you still aren't sure that you will end it?

[allein]

my gf isn't sure that she's in love w/me right now but everytime I offer to break it off she says no, i don't know what i want. It's frustrating because I don't know how to approach her. Do i approach her with a romantic way or just as friends. We are going out 2morow night and I feel like I am wasting my time w/her. I love her and there is no doubt I want to be with her, but she doesn't know what she wants and it's making things very difficult. She is becoming successful at pushing me away. She hasn't really asked for space, although she obviously needs it, and when I offer to give it to her she says no, that she will miss me and probably call me everyday.

Can you give me some insight into this as you are also struggling w/what you want?

[coasty]

allein - Maybe you should suggest a period of no contact with her. Understand that she may feel like the two of you aren't right for each other, but that it is hard because she really does care for you. That could be the struggle she is having. You deserve to be treated better. I know you love her, but look at the way things have been going. Not exactly ideal.

 

I was reading somebodies post about how the bf was feeling bad for hurting his ex gf. I found myself saying, oh good for him, he feels bad for breaking her heart!!!! Then I realized that I am the same as him. Is there other people out there saying the exact same thing to me under their breath? Probably. I am hurting too though. But, I know that he is probably very much heartbroken and I caused that.

 

I just saw this quote on another post. I thought I'd post it here.

 

"distance increases great passions and kills mediocre ones, like the wind fans great fires and puts out candles."

[coasty]

Well, it's been over a week of NC, and to be honest, I don't really miss him. That says a lot, I guess. I'm giving it until next weekend, then I'll get in touch with him.

 

I'm not sure if I can take doing it in person. I just know that he will cry and beg me for another chance. Who knows....maybe after this NC time he's had time to think as well, and he will take it a lot better than I think.

 

I'll let you all know how it goes.