My heart races like a teenager when I come near her

[MGandV]

First off, I have written things here before regarding my relationship with my wife not being that great. That was awhile back and things have been okay since then. We have talked alot about the problems that we have had and have done things to help our relationship. BUT, no matter what, I still feel something deep inside of me is missing. Something about our marriage that just isn't there that has been eating me up inside. I have not been able to really understand what that one thing is, but it is a very deep feeling that truly hurts inside and one that does not want to go away no matter what we do in the relationship. I feel it has something to do with attention. But a more deeper kind of attention. I guess on a more intimate level. Not physically, but emotionally and spiritually. This has been going on throughout my whole marriage but it has escalated within this past year.

 

With that in mind, I have a predicament I want some advice on. My wife and I have a boy who has been in kindergarten this year. On the very first day of school we went together to pick him up after school. Of course, we were excited to know how he liked it. While we were waiting outside the front entrance along with all the other parents my wife started talking to a man she knew from work who works in the same department as she does. (I know him a little too.) They were talking and joking, and commenting all about work related things. Since she works at a University and is very good at what she does, she is very popular and knows and talks to a lot of people. That doesn't bother me, but it always leaves me with nothing to say or talk about. I end up just standing to the side feeling ignored, thus ignoring them. Not to mention I am pretty shy anyway.

 

Well, standing near that man was an attractive woman, whom I thought was his wife. She stood there quietly off to the side. I thought to myself, "she must be feeling the same way as I do." I looked at her, she looked at me, and I gave her a smile and just said "Hi!" She did the same.

 

I soon found out she wasn't that man's wife. Since that first school day, I have picked up my son from school every Tuesdays and Thursdays. (I work second shift and take him to daycare) And on most of those occasions I would see that woman standing alone, as pretty as can be and so quiet waiting for her daughter. (I have always been attracted to quiet girls growing up.) I couldn't help but admiring her every time I saw her. I would end up looking her way when she isn't looking and staring at her. I always found her so attractive, but not in a lustful, SI Swimsuit Issue kind of way. Sometimes her daughter would come out before my son and I would just watch her as they walk away to get to her car. I found her so beautiful the way she interacted with her daughter.

 

Further in the school year I got to where my heart would race and I would get "tingly" inside whenever I would see her-just like a love-sick schoolboy. And whenever I didn't see her, I would feel down and disappointed.

 

One thing I took noticed, was that she would look my way almost as much as I did. There were a few times I would catch her looking at me only to have her turn her head away as soon as I caught her. And there were a few times our eyes would meet for only a few seconds. One day recently my son's class let out before her daughter's and his teacher came out to talk to me about a note my wife and I sent him about my son missing a few days to go on a trip. As I was talking to him I noticed from the corner of my eye she was staring at me.

 

Just two days ago, my wife and I went together to pick up our son to take him for his check-up. My wife didn't really talk to me much but that woman was there. She was standing almost directly in front of us but about 20 feet away. Once again I gout those feelings even while my wife was with me. I looked her way a few times and she looked my way a few time as well. Then all of a sudden I notice her staring at me. I looked her way and we just stared at each other for about 5- 7 seconds. No expressions, just staring and thinking, and my heart racing. Then I looked away. From that day on I just couldn't stop thinking about her. I even got myself upset over it.

 

Today is another day I picked up my son. Only this morning I saw her as I was dropping my son off. I just kind of noticed her unexpectedly and my damn heart started going crazy again. As I drove away, she ended up right behind me and then she turned off to another road. I was so looking forward to seeing her after school but she wasn't there. As i was driving away I kept looking for her and finally I saw her walking towards the entrance. I missed her.

 

I don't understand why I have been reacting over this woman the way that I have. I have never reacted like this towards anyone else before in all of my marriage. All I can say is that I find this woman so beautiful (not just in looks) and someone I would have loved to meet if I wasn't married. School will soon be over and I might not ever see her again after that, although we live in the same town which isn't very big. That might be a good thing. I am sure if I were to see her somewhere else my heart would go crazy, but for now, I am enjoying feelings I have not felt in a long time. I just hope they are not all that wrong.

[Mun]

Looks to me like you miss the butterflies The ones you used to get when you were falling in love with your wife.

 

I understand how you feel, your marriage doesn't have that spark anymore.

 

Do you guys still play around with each other and have fun? Do you think you have just fallen into a routine of sorts or that she is not emotionally and mentally challenging ? Just wondering...

[tiger_lilies]

Be careful that you don't start up a fantasy relationship in your head. Based on your post, it looks like you haven't even really had a conversation with this mother, you're just admiring her from afar.

 

She's probably looking at you because she recognizes you plus people usually have a sense when they are being started at.

 

You are obviously missing some attention from your wife and I suggest that you focus your energy on your marriage to get that attention back. Chances are your wife is probably feeling the same way.

 

Fantasy relationships are only temporarily satisfying to the mind, but not the heart. Please don't make things more difficult for yourself, your wife and your child by pursuing something that you know is wrong.

[codaaurora]

I'm going to have to agree with the others here.

 

I've been a victim of the same thing when I was feeling neglected on some fundamental level with my ex (we had been together for almost 9 years). Then I noticed a man who was more like me (my ex is shy and introspective, I'm an extrovert and talk to everyone), he was laughing and joking with people that he didn't even know.

 

I saw him at other functions as well, he was always able to just walk up to anybody and make them feel like they've known and liked him all their lives. He wasn't glamerous or gorgeous although he was handsome in his own odd way. I started catching myself looking for him whenever I went somewhere I knew he would be. I found myself thinking about him and how much different and more compatible he was to me than my ex.

 

But you know what? I never once spoke with him. Not once. We had plenty of eye contact as we both seemed to always be the center of a group, laughing and having fun, but we never spoke.

 

I built this giant fantasy in my head and instead of trying to make it work with my ex, trying recapture those feelings that I KNEW he could give to me, I let him go. So now, here I am, 5 months later and regretting loosing the love of my life, namely, my ex.

 

Before you do anything, really really TRY to recapture that spark with your wife.

[MGandV]

Here is the scoop about me and my wife (of course from my perspective.) I met my wife on AOL in 1994. She lived in Pittsburgh and I lived in TX. The person I wanted to marry, who was my best friend (all through high school and a few years after that) I fell in love with never went any further than asking her to marry me. We never were physical. She said "yes" but with the condition to wait until we were finished with college and were settled. I didn't care that there was a condition, I was just so happy she said "yes." Then she gave up on me. Heartbroken and devestated I "moved on." My wife, Mandy, (not her real name) went almost through the same thing, only she was the one who gave up on her fiance for reasons I never quite understood. So, when we met online, she had just broken an engagement, while I had a relapse of at least a year from my friend giving up on me. We hit it off pretty well online. We met each other in person one month later and a couple of months after that I moved to Pittsburgh to be with her.

 

At first things were great. We did all the things a new couple did and had a lot of fun. I enjoyed the attention she gave me at the time but she was never as emotionally involved or even payed as much attention to me as a person as much as I wanted her to. In spite of that I tried my best to enjoy the things we did do together and the times we spent together. I did eveything I could to enjoy her and the relationship that we had. And for the most part our relationship WAS good. But that lack of emotional attention started to nibble at my soul. I thought things will get better in time and then we got married. Just before we got married, she started working at a university. Nine months later we had a boy. Then she found herself stressed over her new career at the university and having a child who ended up needing a lot of attention. I was there for him in the morning and she had him at night. Although it was tough, she had a much harder time with him. ON weekends, I was the one who played with the baby and did a lot of the diaper changing and feeding him. I did all this because I really wanted to and because she needed time to work on her career.

 

Over the years Mandy got more and more involved in her career and started paying less and less attention to me or my feelings and most of the decisions were made based on her thoughts and around her schedule. I started to truly feel neglected. Any time I wanted to talk about how I felt she took offense to it and made me feel like I was either feeling sorry for myself or that I was just puting blame on her and trying to make her feel guilty. We started to fight and many times she told me to just leave. But I didn't. I was not about to be the one to leave my family.

 

When I was growing up I was not so good looking at all and girls were not attracted to me. I was shy, awkward, skinny, and just "different". But about the time I met my wife was about the same time that I was finally getting noticed. I became a little more confident, my looks were finally getting more attention, and I was gaining good weight. I was still the same person but in a better "package." All this was going on when I was with my wife. Before we got married, I worked at one place in which one woman was attracted to me. We were friends, but I loved the attention she was giving me. She treated me more special than the other workers. I later found out she really liked me. But nothing came of that.

 

This type of stuff continued even after we got married. I had a hard time trying to stay away from women who paid attention to me or even talked to me about things we both could relate to. I never got physical with anyone outside of my marriage, but it always made me feel good to know someone was interested in who I was. I have a neighbor who is also married that we spend time talking to each other whenever we can. We always have something to talk about and share. We even joke around with each other and can sometimes be a little playful. These are things I feel I haven't been able to do with my wife. I am by no means trying to get with anyone else, I just crave that kind of attention and I don't know Mandy and I can't do that.

 

About a year ago three girls (women now) from my past came back to "haunt" me. Each one I had a special relationship with at one time when I was younger. One haunted my heart for many years because there was never closure. Finally I got closure. Another, was my old best friend. She finally confessed how much she was in love with me all these years and how much she regrets never getting with me. That took me for a loop. And along with another woman I had always had some kind of an infatuation with for years since high school. We started to talk on line and slowly I started to feel those old feelings for her once again. My old best friend never talk to me much and hardly emailed me, so I kind of got over her pretty easily. But the other woman it was a little harder. I always felt a connection with her. Like the mother from my first post I was first attracted to her because of her quietness and shyness. We became good friends and talked to each other all the time. She moved away to another state while still in high school but we kept in touch off and on since we kept losing each other and finding each other. We still talked even as I was with my wife until I lost her again. Now, because of some things I said that I didn't realize were hurtful until now, she won't talk to me that much anymore. But that has been good for me.

 

While that was going on my relationship with my wife was getting really bad and we finally had a few talks about it to see what we can do. We started to work on us and things have gotten better, but like I said before, that emotional attention thing has not changed. If anything, it hurts even more knowing that the one thing that would mean th most to me is something she has not been able to do. I feel I am slowly losing who I am just so I can keep her happy and keep from fighting. I am slowly losing my emotions towards her as well. How do you start giving someone emotional attention if you never gave it before?

 

Oh, by the way, we have three-year-old boy too, now.

 

So this is why I have been admiring this other woman from afar.

[BillyJean714]

The important question is: after speaking to those 3 women from the past, and coming to a realization about how Mandy is and how she doesn't quite fit the mold like they did, is this marriage salvageable? Truly be honest with yourself.

 

I think that it's good that Mandy is aware of the situation, but it's also important to remember to not let things escalate to the point where things are out of hand where you will be stuck with negative consequences. If anything try to work on the marriage, but if you can't help feeling the way that you do, then I hope that Mandy see's it too. It is tough since you do have a 3 year old. I'm just curious as to why the marriage occurred in the first place. Anyway, I wish you the best of luck with whatever happens.

[Mike_Wazowski]

Well I can say from my own hellish experiences that you seem not to be getting attention from your wife and you are looking for someone to give you some.....This other woman just happened to stare back at you when you looked at her...but i'm sure ANY attractive woman who returned your stare you would find interesting, not only this one now.

 

If you wanna get busy with this other woman, then go for it. I'm not going to judge you. But i'll tell you one thing, just as it happened to me, it's going to come back and Bite you in the Butt! Then you will know what true pain feels like my brother...Good Luck!

[MGandV]

I can understand all that you are telling me. First of all, I feel at a loss for her attention. Not just any attention, but emotional and mindful attention. I like to share myself with someone, "my world" as I call it.

 

I have always felt different than most guys. Like I said, I was a shy person when I was young. I was almost painfully shy. Having a name like mine (Moses-and that is my first name), being extremely shy and timid, being very skinny, and just plainly not being involved in a lot of typical guy things, made me an easy target for ridicule. I was picked on, made fun of, called many names, bullied and even beat up because of all of those traits. I was different and even felt different. I didn't have many friends at all, and because I was so shy and quiet I didn't know how to express what I was feeling inside. So no one thought anything was ever wrong with me. And I got very little attention from hardly anyone. And quite honestly, when I really sit down and think of all that I went through as a child, it still hurts. But, in spite of all that, I never developed a hatred for people. I only hated what others did to me or how they made me feel. And I never hated myself either. In fact I have always loved who I was and felt the conviction to be myself at all times. If I couldn't be myself in any situation or with certain people then I would just leave. I hated the feeling of not being able to be myself. I don't drink and have never drank a drop of alcohol (with the exception of cold medicine I suppose) because I choose not to and because it just was never a part of who I am. I have never done drugs and I don't smoke all for the same reason. They are not me. They never were and they never will be.

 

While growing up the way that I did, I learned to see the world in a different perspective. It all helped define the person that I am inside today. A person I guess that is still so afraid to completely open up to people. Including my wife. With my wife I have not felt completely myself. And that truly hurts. She has always been the dominant one, the one who has to be completley in charge of things or she would just fall apart. Her way, her decisions, her thoughts over mine. It has been her schedule, her time, her happiness. We argue, I always lose. I apologize to her time after time and I hardly get any apologizes in return. I am at fault for every little thing, but when she is at fault, I just let it go. Like I said, I lose a part of who I am inside every day. And I lose feelings for her every day as well.

 

I feel somewhat abused, but I feel guilty for thinking like that. I could be at fault for all I know. But, hey! What could possibly be wrong?? We have a nice home fully furnished. We have two beautiful boys. We have good paying jobs, although I want to leave mine so badly, but can't because we are used to the money I make and to find anything else near me would mean a pretty big pay-cut. We take vacations to fun places and overall, at least on the outside, wwe have a fairly decent marriage. Yeah, as long as one of us stays hidden inside.

 

I have tried to open myself up to my wife in different ways, only to to get shoved back in. While growing up in my own hidden world I developed artistic talents. My expressions were my drawings and "art work" and writing. These were things I kept to myself unless someone special came into my life. So in trying to work on my marriage I thought it was about time I open up a little more. On Mandy's birthday I wrote her what I thought was a beautiful poem. Then I transposed it onto a picture that relfected the message of the poem. I printed it out and framed it. But when she opened it up I didn't get the reaction I was expecting or hoping for. She looked at it in a surprised manner and asked if I wrote it. That was about all. She didn't comment on how beautiful it was or even kissed me for it. I was very hurt. She seemed to be expecting something else. It sits in our house unseen by no one and ignored by everyone but me. And on mother's day I got creative again but that thing is just lying on the table because she can't seem to figure out where to put it. I don't do artistic things much anymore. I am not inspired.

 

Now back to that woman I admire from afar. No, I have never talked to her and to be honest I have never even really fantasized about her until right after that last incident. To me, I just could see something in her that I found so attractive. I guess the mystery of not knowing who she is but feeling she might be a certain kind of woman I would love to meet made me feel like I was a teenager admiring the girl next door. And when she appeared near me I got goose bumps and butterflies inside. It was a good feeling. One I wanted to feel, but felt guilty about. And when we would make eye contact, it only made me feel even better. It wasn't until that last time where we made eye contact for a much longer period of time that I started to fantasize about her. I love that attention. I feel very much alone inside and sometimes dead to the world. I don't have any real friends and I work completely alone. I don't get out much because where would I go if it didn't involve my family? I don't like clubs or bars because I feel out of place and cigarette smoke gets me very sick. And the people I do know are people my wife works with. But they are more "professional" and have a completely different view of the world than I do. So I can't relate to them as much.

 

I just want attention. Someone who will pay attention to me as a whole and embrace me as a whole. Someone I can share the person deep inside of me without getting hurt.

[Mike_Wazowski]

Yo Brother..You seem the kind of guy who can get hurt very easily..emotionally hurt I mean.... I was in an affair with another woman who I thought loved me. She was distant from her husband and I was distant from my wife. Of course it all started off as friends and suddenly become physical....Anyways, one day she just decided that she wanted to try to get back with her husband...And she dumped me bigtime...I mean bigtime too. On Tuesday she had told me how much she loved me and needed me in her life, and the very next day, she just came out and said "I can never meet you again". I hurt Bigtime and still am even though this was a while ago....I have to see her in the office everyday too.

 

Anyways..if your wife is really so insensitive then you should talk to her about it....If she still can't give you what you want, then Leave her and find someone who will.....About the other woman....Why don't you talk to her? You don't know anything about her, if she's married, divorced or whatever. Maybe she's got a lot of emotional baggage??? Or maybe she has been waiting all her life to meet you?? You'll never know until you talk to her...But first I would try to save your own marriage before you go looking for happiness elsewhere.....Peace!

[Mun]

You don't know anything about her, if she's married, divorced or whatever. Maybe she's got a lot of emotional baggage???

 

 

No offense Mike, but this sounds a bit predatory.. as if to say " she might be broken too.. why not take advantage of that?"

 

 

Moses you need to communicate with your wife how unhappy you are. Sit her down at the end of the day when you are both calm and tell her how you feel. Don't accuse her or she will become defensive and then nothing will be resolved. Ask her if it would be possible that she pay more attention to you--call you during the workday to check in with you, or whatever kind of attention it is you need. Be honest and open about what you feel. She is your wife afterall, you should be able to discuss anything with her.

 

You say she is the dominant one... and she has to have things her way. Well, if you step back and let her have her way always, of course she is going to take over. If you have a different opinion go ahead and say it. Don't stop yourself. Surprise her.

 

I think you should not make any contact with this other woman. She has probably noticed your looks, but she doesn't know you. You don't really know if she will return your interest.

 

You need to work on your marriage and not start looking elsewhere, that will only make things worst.

[tiger_lilies]

You say she is the dominant one... and she has to have things her way. Well, if you step back and let her have her way always, of course she is going to take over. If you have a different opinion go ahead and say it. Don't stop yourself. Surprise her.

 

 

I agree with this statement. Your wife is probably tired of being the one in control all the time. Perhaps you need to step up to the plate and take control.

 

You are on the verge of making your life even more complicated and out of control if you start anything with anyone outside of your marriage. Stop now before it's too late. Communication in your marriage is lacking. Work on that!

[MGandV]

Well, all of this last weekend I kept thinking of that woman. I know, I know, I know, it's wrong. My wife and I had a pretty busy weekdend. We have been getting ready for a week's vacation. We leave this Friday afternoon. Disney World!! We will be having a house sitter coming over while we are gone (we have pets to take care of) and we were pretty much doing Spring cleaning all weekend. To keeps the kids occupied my mother-in-law was here. Since we were both in separate areas of the house each doing something different to get ready it gave me a lot of time to think. So what was I thinking of? Yup! I started fantasizing about that woman. The shame of me! But none of it was sexual. Honestly. No, not that. That is not what the problem is in my marriage so I could really care less about having sex with another woman. Anyway, by the end of Sunday I, for the most part, ran out of thoughts of her. Not completely, but just not as much. I guess it might be because I haven't seen her in quite a few days. And that's a good thing right? All I can say is I can't seem to help what I feel inside or what my thoughts are. For now, they are not really hurting anyone. Including myself, really. So I fantasize. Don't we all? These fantasies make me feel good, even though they are just that. I have done this my whole life. It is how I have always coped with my problems or when I was hurting inside. I don't drink my sorrows away. I don't try to hide the pain by altering my brain in some drug-induced way. No, I fantasize instead. I cry and fantasize. No, they are not a fix, but at least they do help in a non-abusive way.