Communication problems keep coming and going.

[xmrth]

A while back I never heard from my boyfriend of 5.5 years three days out of the week. That is because he was busy with work and then immediately had night classes afterwards. It was strenuous for him.. and looking back I feel like I could understand. Work, school, bed.

Now he goes to college (a trade-school to replace the night courses) and sometimes works at night for an hour after (the place he works at now closes early) until about 6-7PM. (and I don't typically see him those nights because we live about 30 minutes away and he has early classes in the mornings, so he needs to be back on time to sleep)

 

I went from rarely hearing from him, to hearing from him again, and now back to not hearing from him that much. But that might only be this week.. I'm not sure. Because he's on to work every night this week.

 

It just really hurts to not hear from him, so I asked him the other night when I called him. He told me the same thing he's said in the past, that he hates the phone. He doesn't talk to any of his friends for more than 2 minutes, and it's true, he doesn't. But I wish he'd talk to me. It's also true that since we've been together for 5.5 years now that we don't have much to say over the phone, but in person there's always things to talk about. Usually, anyway. If there's something to talk about we'll talk for a while.

I like to be on the phone with him when we can't see eachother even when there's nothing to say. Could it REALLY be true he just hates the phone? He said he just hates it.. feels like he's wasting his time, just wants to go to bed, etc.

 

It's also a self-confidence issue with me. I feel he doesn't like me when he doesn't call me.

I try just not calling him and he'll call me asking what's up and seeming like he cares about what kept me from calling. It's not completely obvious, but I can tell just a little bit.

 

I guess I just really need reassurence that he hates the phone and it's nothing personal with me. He can't reassure me... We're inside the box; I need an outside view. I don't get to see him that much so when we're apart it's all that comes close to being near him. I tell him I like it when he calls, but he doesn't all the time. I don't know.

I wish someone would just tell me they do the same thing, or it's the same with their relationship instead of "oh my boyfriend does this and that and calls me all the time and every 5 minutes." because I don't care obviousely.

 

I feel like there's something I could say to him that would help it, but nothing works for this.

[shorty20]

ok, i have issues with the phone too. It sucks that you guys can't see each other alot, but on the other hand, after being together for that long it might be nice to miss each other once in a while. Then when u see each other it's not taken for granted and you can just enjoy the little time you get. With the phone, I"m like that too. I HATE being on the phone when there's not a purpose for it, and nothing to talk about. In most relationships the phone is good at the beginning cuz you have stuff to talk about... after that stage passes, it dosen't mean he dosen't like you if he dosen't want to talk on the phone... It'd just try ot be understanding. It also shows that he still cares about you when he notices you not calling and calls to make sure everything is ok... i'd just chill a bit and try to be an understanding girlfriend while he's in school... he'll appreciate it and love you for it... just trust. Good luck and stop worrying.

[xmrth]

Thank you for your response.

I seriousely feel almost entirely better now. I'm just so negative and can't believe my own reassurence.

Since I like being on the phone I don't know what it's like to not like to be. Which made it hard to see it his way.

[freeindeed]

I don't mean to butt into this thread (but I have some questions and I can't post a new topic because I already have one up)... and this seems to be very close to what I want to ask.

 

xmirth - I can relate to you because in the beginning of my relationship, we talked for hours on the phone. He would talk to me when he was simply walking to class, or when he got off work. He would call me all the time, along with e-mailing me everyday. As things progressed, he became more and more "busy" as he says (although his actual schedule never changed). Now we hardly ever talk on the phone, he barely sends me an e-mail... And it's not that we have nothing to say, 'cuz trust me, I always want to tell him about my day and vice versa, but he'll just not listen until I get fed up with saying "hello, hello? are you there?" and decide to get off. He seems happy to get off the phone. All of a sudden, he was no longer a "phone" person. Ofcourse, this didn't help my trust issues....but sorry, I'm rambling now. But I just wanted to let you know, I understand how you feel... and really there's nothing we can do about it, we can't force them to talk to us, so it's best we give them the space they need.

 

Shorty 20- That's some good advice, I think I definitely needed to hear that too.

[misery12]

THis is amazing, how close this post is to some of my worries in my relationship. I've been with my girlfriend for about 5 months now or so.. and in the beginning, we would talk for hours on end.. like 3-4 a day.. but that is just because we didn't know a lot about each other.. but now.. 5 months later, we are still together, but we only ever talk on the computer, for like 30 minutes, because we know everything the other person does, unless they do something out of the ordinary (play golf, visit family) something like that.. then we talk about it. Other than that.. we just talk about future plans for the weekend, or the summer.. or the past few times we've hung out. Just our lives.. but sometimes she seems like she's bored.. and I know she probably is.. because we don't have anytning to talk about. so I am trying a new approch, I just go off and do my own thing.. hang with friends, mow the lawn, clean the pool.. just occupy my time. This way, we aren't talking, (or having the oppurtunity to talk) every minute. So when we do talk, it's about the time we were apart. And it's fun, it makes the relationship stronger. But now.. we barely talk on the phone, unless she isn't at school that day, so I call her up, see what she's doing.. or sometimes she calls me.. but it's only a couple times a week, if that. But by not calling your partner, does NOT mean they have lost any interest, it just means they have nothing to talk about at the moment. You have to respect the other person's life as well.. try not to smother your boyfriend too much, and if you really want to do something with him.. try organizing a date for one of the nights he's off.. a nice romantic dinner. Once you have this romantic night together, you can just think back to it.. whenever you miss him. It helps me out a lot.

Hope this helps, good luck.!

[xmrth]

freeindeed:

I've heard of alot of people in their relationships how the E-Mails and IMs stop eventually. My boyfriend never E-Mailed me (doesn't use the internet) so I don't know what it's like to have him stop..

but for you it must feel like it's another form of broken communication since it's E-Mail and the phone. I would just try to consider it just one form because it will feel like alot less weighing down your concerns, you know what I mean? I hope that doesn't sound stupid, haha. But that's how I would think of it just to get less off my mind.

 

misery12:

3-4 is exactly how many hours me and my boyfriend would talk when we were first together, and we were also the same age as you (I was 14 and he was 15, and now I'm going on 20 and he's going on 21)

I don't know what we even talked about way back when. We're both kind of on the quiet side, particularly him.

I just like to sit on the phone in silence sometimes just knowing he's on the other end but I think that's what he doesn't like, haha. Those are times where I have nothing to say, of course.

 

I just wish my boyfriend would give me a quick call to say hello. Now that he's in college he has a small break in the afternoon in which once or twice a week he'll call to say hi. Sometimes he doesn't, so then I will do the calling and he's always there to answer and chat for a bit. I don't know why I can't just let this be enough... I think I'm far too needy and I've just got to stop

[misery12]

Nah, it's not needy if you want to hear from him, it's only needy if you drag on him.. and dont let him live his own life.

The trick is to each live your own lives, and tie them together.

Just tell him you love him, guys like to hear that as much as girls do.

Also, about that romantic date.. as soon as there is a good oppurtunity, jump on it.. but make sure you tell him a week or so in advance so he's got time.