He wants to be single...

[Naya2279]

Hi all. I've been seeing this guy for 2.5 years now. We've had our ups and downs, but lately it's been mostly down. I just feel like we're slipping apart and whenever I try to talk to him he gets mad because he says we keep having the same conversation over and over. He says that he just wants to be single, yet he still wants to see me a couple times a week. I just can't be single and still see him. Whenever I try to tell him this he just gets mad at me.

 

I know there's this girl that's calling him constantly and I know that's why he wants to be single all of the sudden. Our relationship was like this about 6 months ago right before he went to visit his ex-girlfriend. I just feel like I'm good enough to have around until someone better comes along and then he throws me away.

 

I broke up with him on Sunday because I just couldn't take it anymore. I can't go on with my life while I'm still playing these games with him. I went over to his place on Monday to get the rest of my things and his friends were there and he was acting all arrogant so I really laid in to him. I made him cry in front of them. I kinda feel bad, but not really because he was acting so arrogant and not himself. Later that night he called me and apologized and told me that he was stupid and he doesn't wanna lose me, but he's just not ready to settle down. He said that he wants me to go out with him on Saturday night still, but I just don't know if I can do it or not.

 

I've just been a nervous wreck these past few weeks wondering what to do. That's why I ended it, but he's just not letting me. I was weak the last time we broke up and let him back in. I just really wanna show him this time that it's over and that I'm not going to be his doormat anymore. I want him to see that he really is gonna lose me and I want to see how he's going to respond. Any suggestions?

 

I know I should just forget him and find a guy that knows how to treat me because I know I'm a good girl and I'm gonna make someone so happy someday. But, for some reason, I just can't seem to let him go.

[crashin]

Hey Naya,

Your BF sounds exactly like I was with my ex. I took everything for granted, I broke up with her a couple times and when I was ready would go right back and she would let me. I dont know if it was because I felt I could do better or if I just wasnt ready to accept that the relationship was getting very serious. Sounds like he wants his freedom but also wants you as a back up needs that comfort zone. You give an inch he takes a mile.

 

Im sure he truly does love you but until he realizes what he has he will just keep doing what he is doing just like I did. My advise, take a step back, I know this will be hard, but stay away for a while. Make him realize what he had. My ex really put me in my place and I have been amess for the past 5 months since the break. Good luck, hope everything works out for you.

[Naya2279]

Thank you for the advice. It was good to hear the other point of view. I know he cares about me, but I just know that he thinks I will be around forever and I wanna show him that if he keeps this up I'm not.

[Micwu_25]

Like the other poster said, stay away for a while(who knows maybe after a while you won't want to be with him) but if you do end up getting back with him make sure he knows and feels that if he screws up again it's over for good. This is very important otherwise things will just go back the old ways, after all, you broke up with him twice and he was able to get you back both times. What would make him think he can't get you back again third, fourth time?

[Luscious]

Hey sometimes we know the answers to the questions we asked but its good to hear it from a total stranger that doesn't know anyone in the situation and would take sides.

 

Its always hard to let go of someone that we truly love, sometimes we settle for things that we would not normally settle for because we love the person but after you've settle and you've analyze the situation for the last time we realize our worth and we say enough is enough, either you shape up or ship out.

 

He has to commit to you, if you wanted to become a doormat then you wouldn't have gotten your feelings involve. Why when the waters are a little rough and the boat seems like its gonna tilt over, everyone or one person in your case wants to abandon the ship...its not fair, and you're not getting any younger.

 

If he wants to be single give him what he wants because it doesn't make any sense to force him to stay but let him know that he can't have it both ways...that you love him enough to let go because obviously this is the same book but a different page. Trust me if you decide to go with his agreement to be single and him still seeing you when he wants you will end up in a worst predicament with alot of pain involve. You said that you will make someone out there happy some day because you are a good girl so you have to believe that someone will also make you happy and giving you exactly what you want and deserve.. commitment!!!

 

Good Luck on whatever decision you make and remember that you must put yourself and happiness first in your decision making...everyone else does!!!

[Hope75]

I also think that you need to enforce that he made a choice, and being single means not having you several times a week when he so feels like it.

 

If you agree to settle for this and spend the time with him you are showing him that it is acceptable for him to walk all over you, which it's not.

 

You were right to break it off with him and now you need to stay strong for yourself and tell him that unless he chooses to commit to you he cannot be seeing you.

 

I wish you all the luck!

[Day_Walker]

Why do you want to see how he is going to respond, you already know what he is going to do. You want him to say all this stuff and some how prove to you that he wants you back so you have a reason to take him back. What you arent looking at is the quality of your relationship with him.

[mercury25]

I am female and in an eerily similar position as you are. I had/have only been with my bf for 4.5 months (from mid-December to now), but we got close super-fast, it was very intense, tender, getting very serious; two months into it, we were already feeling like husband and wife (I know that sounds crazy, but it happens to people; they feel close from 2-hour long conversations night after night, time together. A lot can happen in a short period of time). Anyway, we used the "L" word with each other on March 4th. A week later, he broke up with me. Nothing was wrong with our relationship at all (we get along wonderfully, great sex, great conversations, utter tenderness with each other). After breaking up (and me being totally confused) a couple days later he comes back and says he's "confused." We agree to make things less intense but keep seeing each other. We do. April 1st he breaks up again, saying "I need to be single right now" then calls me again two days later. We don't quite agree to "get back together," but kinda just fall into it , from talking on the phone and saying hey let's go see such-and-such movie.....

But he is desiring to spend a lot less time with me. He still wants to see me, but compared to the first couple months (in which we saw each other 3-4 times a week), seeing each other has dropped off. Just this week, on Monday, he emailed and said he wants me to know that he might date soon, but that he wouldn't agonize me with talk about it unless it felt like it was going to materialize into something. This probably sounds demoralizing to an outsider (and it is), but this is a guy whose behavior to me is pretty 'up there' as far as being respectful (I mean, prior to this "I wanna be single, but still see you" He likes me a lot - I know he does, cause he enjoys talking to me and really is into it when we are together - but I think the fact that we were getting serious, and that he actually takes me serious as a person (I'm 'serious-relationship/wife' material) scares him and makes him realize he needs to get his single-ness in...that he hasn't had enough time....

 

Like you, I told him no, this will not work. I calmly said that I'm not going to be relegated from girlfriend to a friend with benefits who he has feelings for, while he is still open to dating others. This was an easy decision. As soon as I read the email from him, I responded right away with no reservation. Absolutely no way, no how will I accept this. Goodbye. Thank you but no thank you.

 

Like above posters said, it's the right thing to do. I had already put up with enough from him with the two breakups (but him callling two days after in both cases), him spending less time with me and more time with his friends, but 'keeping me' by still calling, still being affectionate, still seeing me once or twice a week. He was good in a way and bad in a way. But it was a drop-off from the very beginning, and I allowed it. The 'seeing other people'/'being single' was the last straw. I'm not mad at myself for accepting his drop-off after the first two pseudobreakups...I mean, it's a natural reaction for women to be so stuck on the Beginning (and letting him use some credit for being so wonderful then), and letting him have some leeway...but as far as I am concerned, they (guys) cannot think they can have their cake and eat it too. The comfort, security, loyalty, and love from a caring girlfriend, whilst also having fun and maybe picking up new, less meaningful women to have fun with...

 

See the movie "About Last Night" for an example of a guy who had a girlfriend who loved him, but kept feeling pulled toward single life and left her, only to realize that the girlfriend who loved him was much more fulfilling than drunken nights at bars, new women all the time, etc.

 

As above posters said, stay away from your guy. There's a saying that a watched pot never boils. Same thing applies here. Your guy will never "wake up" while you are there for him. It just isn't possible for him to realize life without you until he actually is without you. I mean, there's no absolute guarantee that he will "wake up". But it IS almost a guarantee that he *won't* wake up while you're with him and being there for him. He also won't respect you. It might seem like he does, or he might not show blatant disrespect. But the fact is he won't value you as much if you don't value yourself enough to say...no, you being single but still having me won't work. And get out.

 

I also am in love with my boyfriend / (ex-boyfriend of four days now). I feel pretty strong and together about the matter though. Even guys I have been less in love with in the past have come back to me after being away for a while. It's like...a rule or something...that guys can't appreciate their girlfriend. No matter how pretty you are and what a great personality, somehow if you've been by their side for a certain amount of time, every other woman seems more interesting...

 

The thing about having a girlfriend is that...it has a way of making a guy have an "I don't care"/nonchalant attitude, and that draws women to him. Lots of the confidence that he has is a result of having a girlfriend who encourages him and loves him daily though. So the irony is...when he doesn't have her, things kinda drop off a bit where 'attracting women' is concerned. ( I mean, this isn't 100% of a guy's appeal, but you know, having the security of a girlfriend does something to a guy's air and glow... a little something at least).

 

Oh yeah, if I ever take my guy back (and I'm not over this whole thing enough to say I absolutely wouldn't), he would have to earn it back. Don't ask how, but I would devise something or another which could help me keep my dignity in taking him back. I've got a lot of pride, and I could never let him just waltz back in...