She says the spark is gone!

[allein]

My gf is 24 and I am 31. We have been together just now 7 months. Our relationship was very intense and moved very fast. She had some problems in her homeshe rented that needed repair. She stayed with me during this time. Everynight for 6 weeks. Prior to that, she stayed the night most days of the week. We were together so much. Then about a month ago, her house repairs were done and she went home. When she left she seemed very very cold. I took it hard when she left, because she was so distant and cold it seemed like there was more symbolism to her leaving then just the act of her going back home.

 

I got really clingy and very depressed when she left, she was being so weird and rude and cold and acting like I was bothering her. So her pushing me away made me more clingy which made her more pushy. Anyway, she finally told me that we should only see eachother on the weekends because it was just too hard for her because of our schduling differences. She works at 8 am and i don't get off work until 8pm. We only 15 min apart, but work really stresses her out and she does need space to cool off and I guess dwell on her crappy day at work.

 

So after about a week of not seeing eachother I was getting back to normal with things and so was she (i thought). She was being more friendly when we talked and talking to me more often. I was still (and still am) madly in love with her but could tell she didn't feel the same for me anymore. Often hesitent to say I love you when I say it to her. She really stoped saying it for the most part unless i say it first. Well now it's been over a month and I thought things were getting better. Except for one things...... We havn't had sex in over 2 months ..............................

 

Anyway, I had some home trouble while away on business that she had to deal with while I was away and she was here watching my cats. My house was pretty much unlivable this week as a result of the damage. So I had to stay at her place (very very small guest house space...) for the past few days. Until last night when I stayed with a friend. Before I went to my friends house, I stopped by my gf house to say goodnight to my cats who are living with her right now until the house is ok. So, i go over and she tells me that she isn't sure about the relationship.

 

She said I have more emotional investment into it then she does. That I want more from it then she does. She knows I'm looking for a commitment and she isn't sure thats what she wants. She is never in the mood to make love but doen't really know why. She is afraid of things like me getting a job in another city and she wouldn't move because she wouldn't know anyone and can't be dependent on me, she just could't stand the thought of depending on someone. She also gave some very superficial things like me not loving her favorite singer. I never say bad things, but i don't sing along either. Anyway, I thought that was stupid thing to bring up.

 

Anyway, she said she doesn't know if she is in love with me. She said the spark is gone and she doesn't know how long she should wait to see if it comes back. She doesn't know what is the right thing for her to do and she doesn't want to hurt me. She just doesn't know what she wants to do and she's not sure if she's in love with me. She 'loves' me, but that spark of being 'in love' is gone for her. She told me she is afraid of making the wrong decision. She doesn't want to wait forever to see if the spark returns, but she is afraid that breaking up will also be a mistake for her. I told her that I loved her very much and she needs to figure out what she wants to do. I told her i'm not going to make it easy on her and break up with her, I said i loved her and I want to be with her so it's her decision, and to do whats best for her and i'll repsect her decision whatever it is.

 

If you are still reading this at this point, THANKS! So I cried and stuff during our talk because honestly I am heartbroken and I hate that she saw me cry because she doesn't want to hurt me and that won't make her decision easier. I just don't know what to do here. I kind of feel like I should just break temporarily. She is home to visit family at the end of the month. Maybe we could break until she gets back. But then again, I don't want to give her an easy way out which is what it seems like she wants. I think maybe she even said it but can't even remember anymore. I have been single for so many years and only had 2 other relationships in my life. I am the first relationship she has had where the person she was dating wasn't a loser that had to mooch off of her. All of her exes were losers and treated her like crap. I come along and sweep her off her feet with everything she thought she wanted. Someone independent with a good job and good future. We are both vegetarian. I treated her like a princess. And now she says the romance is gone. Should I try to romance her or should I give her the easy way out she wants me to give her.

What would you do? I could try to be more romantic to see if that would do it, but would that be a wasted effort? Should I just cut my losses and give her the breakup she might want?

 

Any advise, especially from the ladies please!

[DN]

Not a lady but this is seems to me to be a case for going no contact. Give her the time to decide what she wants. You can't make someone love you - they either do or they don't - and she needs time to decide. You need time to cool off. So tell her that you agree the relationship has been too intense, but that you can't just treat her as a friend or be with her while she is so uncertain.

 

Use the time to regain your equilibrium and concentrate on yourself. If she loves you and wants you she will come back. If she does not, then you will know that and can start the process of moving on.

[Hope75]

Once again I need to agree with DN, and I am a lady.

 

My bf broke up with me 6 months ago and said after that he loved me but wasn't sure he was "in love" with me. Those words felt like acid on my heart but the only thing I could do was give him the space he asked for, and see what happened.

 

I moved out, and 6 months later, we have been back together for several months and things are going well. I'm not saying this was easy, or that every outcome happens like this, or that we will last, (though I am hoping we do), I am just saying that the best and only thing for you to do is to back off and give her a break, the space she needs.

 

She will either see that she misses you and cares more than she realized, or she will decide she likes it better alone and will give you the chance to move on with your life.

 

I wish you strength and luck here, it's not easy to be where you are, but try to take care of yourself first and the rest will play out the way it is meant to be.

[yen]

i have to agree with the replies above. sometimes, distance makes the heart grow fonder. give her the time she needs. she will realize then what she truly feels for you..

[allein]

how much time should I wait? She has been making it a point lately to tell me she loves me in her text messages. Talk about mixed signals!! She is going home to visit her family at the end of the month for a week. I am thinking of telling her we shouldn't talk for that week so she can do her own thing and have fun w/friends and family and not worry about having to call me everyday and do the 'relationship' thing.

Is a week long enough for her to make up her mind?

Also, how could I cool things down. How could I let her know that I don't need her to make a 10 year commitment to me now. How can I ease up in a way that is obvious. I want to take some of the pressure off of her as far as her thinking I am expecting a lifelong commitment from her. How can we step back to being exclusive, but me not having expectations beyond right now. Any ideas how I can do this, and show her that I love her, and I love right now together and I will stop thinking about the future. How can I show her this?

[Hope75]

I think what you need to do is break it off cleanly. Tell her she can have all the space she needs and end it.

 

Then it's up to you how long you decide to wait for her. Personally I would start to get on with my life immediately, since sitting around isn't going to do anything but make it harder on you and give you time to think.

 

If she comes back, great, but if not, better you know now.

[DN]

Yea, I agree with Hope. Especially about the part of getting on with your life.

[allein]

so, you guys think it's over? I don't know why it's so hard for me to accept. Luckily, she doesn't know I'm dwelling on this. I don't want to think it's over...but you guys both say the same thing. *Sigh* it sux. Thanks for the advice.

[DN]

I can't spak for Hope but I am not saying it is over - only she can tell you that. I am saying that you should assume it is and start getting on with getting over her.

[soveryconfused]

Hi,

 

I really feel for your situation. I just was in the other side of a similiar one myself...I had been seeing someone for a few months, but lately I just felt...that I don't know if I want a relationship right now. There are many factors, one of them being I've never really had time in between LTR's to recover and jumped right into one with this guy. I thought it was what I wanted, I really did...then realized (too late) that it wasn't. I started pulling away, then realized I couldn't do that to him. So I ended it. He took it ok; there were tears but he said he wanted to remain friends but that he'd never stop trying to get me back. I think NC is good right now...your ex needs space, and as horrible as this is for you, and as much as you don't want to hear this now, she might not be the "one" and if it was meant to be, you'll get back together. Sometimes when feelings change though, you can't go back. I'm sorry, this sounds like sucky advice I'm sure. Just wanted to give you the perspective of someone that just did what she did. I'm sorry for your pain, I really am.

[robert potts]

Its funny, I like a hundred others am going through a similair situation right now, I got the tears in my eyes to prove it. We have been dating only 5 months,only seeing each other at work and on Mondays as our date night. I treated her like gold and she acknowledged she may never find another man who loved her as I did but, She tells me she wants to end the relationship because she feels her feelings for me have grown stagnant. I asked her if she thinks she gave us enough time to reach that decision and she wasnt sure,said she didnt know how long before she could be sure. I convinced her to date through the summer but I have decided now that she is doing this because I asked her, not because she feels her feelings may grow in the future. I am in fact going to break up with her in the morning (GOD THIS IS HARD) and have no contact with her until she either realizes her feelings for me are stronger than she knew and contacts me, or (GULP) she goes on with her life without me. Its the ONLY way I will know were I truly stand with her. In the meantime, I will invest myself into my friends,golf what ever and get on with my life. I will always have her on my mind though, she means more to me than anyone could imagine.

[DN]

Good call, Robert. It is hard, and it sucks, but it is wise.

[Hope75]

I just think for your own sake that you should assume it's over and give her her space. How healthy is it to hold on to her for weeks or months when she is asking you for space? How will she realize she misses and wants you if you don't give her a chance to?

 

I'm not saying it's definitely over for good, I'm just saying that your best bet for your own sanity is to give her the space she needs and give yourself some space, focus on other areas of your life and if she comes back you will be happy and if not, and you've been getting on with your life already, it won't be that big of a deal.

[allein]

robert potts -- good luck dude. You sound like you have a healthy perspective though and you know what you need to do and that it won't be easy, but you've gotta get it done. I am feeling like I should break /w her, at least NC for a few days maybe even a week to make her miss me and to cool off because she made me very angry last night. She's playing games now I think and I really don't get that stuff.

 

Everyone -- She is sending me such mixed signals. Last night, I did not call her afterwork, thinking she wants space because she specifically told me, " i don't like having to answer to anyone or worrying about the daily phone call relationship stuff." I ended up going to a bar. She texted me later asking me how i was. I told her where i was and someone at the bar that we both knew told her hi. She got really angry that I went out to a bar without talking to her first. She said to me (and she is right) that if she would have done it I would have been really butt hurt and been a jealous baby. She was right. I texted her back and said something like I was just trying to give her spcae and didn't want to bother her. She texted back and told me I was oblivious and to go home with some one because she didn't care. I asked her why she would say that to me and she texted back so she wouldn't feel guilty about not having sex w/me (we havn't had sex in over 2 months). Then she shut off her phone. The bar I was at was near her house so I was pissed off and went to her house. She let me in and we talked for a bit about everything and I told her not to ever tell me to go home w/someone. And I told her it really hurts that she said that, and b) that she said she didn't care if I did. I asked her if that was what she really wanted so she could feel like it would be easy to break up w/me then. She said she didn't know. She also said "Maybe it was a test, I don't know....." What the heck is that?? A test?? What is this, high school?? Then she told me she wasn't sure where I stood on the relationship. What the?? So once again I told her how much I loved her and wanted to be together. I also told her though, that if she is too scared to initiate a break that I would do it. She was like " I don't know, I don't know what I want". I also told her that I am taking the pressure off of the relationship. I have no further expectations of a white picket fence in 10 years and that I just want to enjoy each day I have w/her, but only if she wants to be together. And I really do mean that. I had foolish unrealistic expectations. I think I am over that now at least and that is good.

 

What is with these games and tests? Is this what I get for dating a 24 year old? I think going NC is what we need to do now too, but not too sure how to go about it w/out hurting her or further damaging our relationship. I think her trip home will give her some needed space (although, I GIVE HER PLENTY OF SPACE, then i'm a jerk for it?!!). One thing I never thought about with NC is that when it does happen, and it will soon, what if I decide I dont' want to be w/her anymore because of these games..... that would be irony... breaking for her sake, and leaving for mine. We'll see. As for today, my mood is good because i've gone from sorrow to anger with her little stunt last night with talking smack and then shutting her phone off. I can only be toyed w/for so long. Anyway, ladies, whats with the games? Can you shed some light on why she would tell me to go home w/someone from the bar, then tell me maybe it's a test. . . . .

[DN]

Don't play her games and don't do her tests. Go no contact. Tell her why. She asked for space so she can have it. Tell her if she loves you and wants a proper relationship without games and tests you will be open to that but you want nothing short of that. Suggest she call you when she returns from her visit to let you know what she has decided based on the choices you give her - all in or all out of the relationship.

[allein]

i'll try not to play her games. Any insight as to why someone would play these games? She isn't a cruel person but something in her mind making her be crazy? Any insight? Anyone?

[DN]

The could be a dozen reasosn - insecurity, trust issues, commitment issues etc. Only she will really know. And maybe not her either.

[allein]

We havn't gone no contact yet. In fact we havn't even talked about our relationship again since the other night when I drove to her house. (2 nites ago??) We talked today about our plans for tomorrow night, which I almost cancelled because I am getting angry about things. Anyway, when I talked to her tonight I asked her what she was doing and she said she would probably just stay home. She said I could come over and visit my cats (they still living w/her until my house gets repaired over the next few weeks). I said ok, well i'll call you later.

I called her a little later and asked again what she was doing and she said nothing and asked me when I was coming over. I told her I had to do homework and that we would just hang out tomorrow. In my heart I wanted to rush over there because I've had a bad day and wanted her to comfort me. But I didn't. I was just casual and said I had to do tings at home and I would talk to her tomorrow.

Well, here it is a few hours later and I'm just dying to text her. I am frustrated w/my homework, the temperature in my house is uncomfortably warm and I'm just depressed. I just want to text her and share a little love....... but i'm not going to. It's going to be very hard distancing myself. But if she isn't gonna be strong enough to do it, I have to. I really wish we weren't even going out 2mrw. Really why should we bother?? I think I am going to ask for a break after our night out tomorrow. I'm starting to feel anger and resentment towards her while at the same time feeling so sad that she isn't in love w/me anymore. THIS SUCKS!

Anyway, I dont' even really expect any responses to this. Just typing for my own benefit I think. It's just really hard for me not to text her and tell her I love her........ but i'm not gonna do it...... GRRRRR!

[DN]

Hang tough - you did the right thing. In these situations it is always better to let your head rule your emotions for a while.