she has cold feet

[patience]

I am in my thirties, and I'm an "out" bi-sexual woman. I am really attracted to a friend of mine (who says she is straight, but she sends lots of signals), and I feel like it is mutual. I don't know that it is mutual, it's a vibe I get, which is hard to explain unless you know what I mean. The problem is, she has really cold feet. Whenever I get "too close" (I mean emotionally, not physically) she panicks and pulls away. She always initiates conversation again after a week or so. She is so shy, we haven't even gone out for coffee or anything. I asked once, and she panicked. I just let it go at the time, not wanting to push the issue. I haven't dared to ask since. We have talked on the phone a lot, and I know a lot about her. Recently, we've been chatting a little more than usual, and she has been flirting and everything, and it seems to be going well. From what I know, she broke up with this man she was dating who just wasn't the one for her. As far as I know, they are still broken up. I gave her a small gift last week, which she loved. I saw her earlier this week, and we chatted. She borrowed a magazine from me, and she told me that she would call me when she was done with it. She winked at me, and gave me one of "those" smiles. I think that I have to let her call me, and not "chase" her, give her some space to come to me now. It is driving me nuts to be waiting for her phone call though! Also, I'm so worried that she'll freak out again, and pull away again. I don't think I could go through all of that once more, but I can't know that for sure. Plus, what if she has already gotten back together with this man?

 

I know that she is fearful because she has never explored her attraction to women before, and she is older than I am. (I could easily pass for her daughter, but she is not old enough to be my mom) We have talked about her concerns a bit, when she'll open up, but then she'll sort of clam up when she starts to feel too vulnerable. I haven't given up on her because I have grown to care for her dearly, and she is a really amazing person. Also, there is just something that tells me to stay patient with her, hence the nickname patience I certainly cannot imagine being so patient with anyone else.

 

I would really appreciate some advice. Am I wasting my time? Has anyone been through anything like this? If she doesn't call within a week, is this just a lost cause? How much time does it take a shy person to call?

[usied]

take one day at a time ..and make smart moves..seems like you have been playing it safe though...just keep up the good work ..and hopefully being a good patient person will pay off

[wellswomyn]

I agree that you are doing everything fine so far, but I think at some point soon you also need be clear about what you want. I think it is perfectly fine for you to say something like "i like hanging out with you. Want to grab some coffee thursday night? It'll be fun!" because for this to go anywhere, at some point she will need to take some action, say she wants to get to know you better, hang out with you. I think there is always a danger in trying to date a straight woman, which isn't to say don't try, just be honest with yourself about whether it feels right to put so much energy into it. you shouldn't have to convince anyone to go on a date with you. they should just want to do it because they are drawn to you.

 

i hope it works out! (and i wouldn't worry about the age difference)

[Cadence308]

How long does it take a shy person to call?

 

My answer: forever, if they're not interested! Joking, of course.

 

Honestly, it sounds like your friend may be having some issues with her sexuality. I wouldn't pursue or wait for her too much since she may never come around and acknowledge her attraction to women or maybe even to you. Maybe give the situation one last ditch effort and send her an email or something, inviting her to "meet" you for coffee.

 

Also, you said that you are bi and out so I'm assuming that your friend knows about you and sometimes that you are attracted to women. This was a bit confusing to me. Does your friend know that you are attracted to her? Have you mentioned the vibe to her that she gives off? It sounds to me like she is getting uncomfortable with the conversations between you two because she may suspect that you think she's also attracted to women and maybe isn't ready to acknowledge that to herself. She has to realize it within herself before she is going to call you and maybe date you. Maybe she is questioning it within herself. I don't know...it really depends on how much detail your conversations with her have gone into.

 

I would just be her friend and don't expect anything more right now since she is claiming straight. She isn't ready emotionally to have any other kind of relationship. Talk to her about it, but don't push the issue. Maybe she's a homophobe and will never admit her attractions to women. If she's older than you, which is probably in her 40s she may always stay closeted since people from that generation were brought up that way. You should seek out other friendships that may blossom into romance, but I do not recommend that you actively pursue a romantic relationship with this woman right now because if it doesn't work out the way you think it should then you will be wasting your time. There are many wonderful people out there who are willing and have accepted their sexuality that would want to have a relationship with you.

 

Good luck and I hope for your sake that your friend calls you and says, "Surprise, I'm gay!" \

[mgirl]

Good luck and I hope for your sake that your friend calls you and says, "Surprise, I'm gay!" \

 

Wow, that would be cool!

 

I concur with what the others have said in that you need to be patient. At some stage however, you are going to have to out yourself to her in regards to how you feel. Maybe she isn't over that guy yet? Who knows. But there must be some way you can bring her out of her shell. I wonder if she is pulling away because she believes you like her and she is not interested?

 

It's a tricky one, but you need to move this relationship forward at some stage. You don't want to be sitting around forever wondering what the deal is with her.

 

I am thinking lay off the internet communications and start to call her face to face. Voice to voice contact makes it so much easier to determine where a person is at in regards to their thoughts and feelings. Internet flirting can be fun, but you have to move passed this if you are to progress in this relationship! If you are on the phone to her and she begins to pull away, you may be able to ask her why?

 

Also, have you thought about going out for a drink? Alcohol is afterall a social aphrodisiac.

 

Good luck and let us know how it goes.

[patience]

She still hasn't called. I've decided not to call her at all until I hear from her. I need to know that she is able to at least initiate a phone call. If she cannot even do that, well, there's no point wasting my time. I'm trying to be realistic here, because I could get strung along if I'm not wise. I figure if she really is interested in getting together she will call within a week or so.

[mgirl]

Yeah, i mean, the thing is, how long are you prepared to wait? You'd hate to waste a few years of your time.

[patience]

Exactly! I know women who have waited years, and they do get strung along, and it is just awful. They get so hurt by this sort of behavior, and there is just no excuse to treat a person badly. I don't know how a woman could even do that to another woman and live with herself. I understand that when a woman is first coming out she needs time and all of that, but there is a limit to how patient any person can be with another. Also, some women are just plain old messed up, and they never make up their minds.

 

She still hasn't called me btw. I hate it when people say they are going to do something, and then they don't. I'm sure she'll have some sort of excuse. When I'm interested in getting to know a person, I always call within a few days, I expected her to do the same.

 

She doesn't just have the magazine she borrowed either, she has some other stuff of mine that I want back soon. If I don't hear from her within two weeks, I'm calling her to get my things back. I'm not into game playing or being jerked around.

[Cadence308]

Patience, good for you! It sounds like you are realizing that she may not be as into you as you are into her.

 

Have you heard of or picked up that book, "He's just not that into you?" Well, I think it can do with dating, in general, no matter what the gender. I picked it up at the bookstore and just thumb read through most of it. Basically, it's a common sense guide to dating. It says things like, "He's just not that into you if he's not calling you. He's just not that into you if he's dating someone else. He's just not that into you if he's having sex with someone else. He's just not that into you if he says he'll call and he doesn't. He's just not that into you if he's afraid sex will ruin the friendship. He's just not that into you if he says he doesn't want a relationship. He's just not that into you if he doesn't want to marry you." I could go on and you get the point. Just substitute he for she and determine if she's that into you.

 

Anyway, it's a funny read and you should check it out if you get a chance. I was really into someone and realized after I read this book that she just wasn't as into me as I was into her. I was able to pretty much let it go and now I'm finding someone who is as into me as I am into them. I owe it to myself. And you owe to yourself to find someone who is emotionally and physically available to you.

 

Good luck!

Cheers!

[patience]

hi Ballys,

 

I've heard of that book actually. Sometimes it is obvious that someone isn't into us, but as women we sure do learn to make excuses for unacceptable behavior! Sometimes the writing on the wall is just too unpleasant to read!

 

I feel rather disappointed that she hasn't called. I would expect a friend to call when she says she will, so it seems she is not even a good choice for a friend. She is not being reliable or trustworthy. (I'm actually sitting here rolling my eyes btw)

 

When I was coming out I had a few crushes that just weren't that into me, and there were some people who were crushing on me who I had no interest in beyond friendship (and sometimes not even friendship). I never misled anyone on purpose though, because I didn't want to play people like that. I learned a lot from those experiences, and I never thought I would find myself in a similar situation at this time in my life! Maybe I was just crushing on this woman? I thought I had outgrown stuff like that! LOL! I guess it can happen at any age.

 

I do know that she was (maybe still is) very curious about me. She said enough for me to catch on to that, plus she had one of her friends sort of "sell" her to me, you know, point out all of her good qualties and why she is such a catch and all that. I thought it was cute that she did that (it was so obvious). Maybe she is too shy to call, or maybe she has already changed her mind, it could be anything really, but waiting more than three days was not a good move on her part. Now I am doubting her intentions, her sincerity, her integrity. Now I am hesitant to even talk to her again. I want my things back though, she has a few personal items that mean a lot to me. I didn't give these things to her, she was borrowing, so she has to return them to me at some point. I figure by next Sunday (not this one coming up) I am going to call her and simply tell her I want my things back.

[mgirl]

Well said Ballys. Sometimes we just have to realise they just don't like us like we like them! I always say, "you only get one chance to say 'no' to me"! And i mean it.

[Cadence308]

"you only get one chance to say 'no' to me"! And i mean it.

 

LOL Nice, mgirl! I think that's going to be my new line when I meet a hot woman at the les bar!

 

Honestly, Patience, I know how you are feeling. She may not be calling because she realizes your feelings for her and maybe she doesn't want to be friends because she knows that you want more with her. That could scare some people away. [-X I met a woman at the les bar this past weekend and she was nice and I was a little attracted to her, but it takes me a while to really warm up to people. I like to feel them out before I commit to ANYTHING! She ended up giving me her number and email. I thought she seemed like a cool person to hang out with, but it was blatantly obvious to me that she was interested in a dating relationship from the get-go and I am only looking for friends since I just moved to a new city and state. So I probably won't contact her, again, since I don't want to lead her on.

[mgirl]

Yeah, will be interesting to see how it unfolds!

 

Patience, i had a thought but i couldn't post before. I was thinking seeing as though you are going to go and get your magazines etc. after an allocated amount of time, you should say 'something' to her then. The way that i see it is that you have nothing to lose because you are prepared to let it go anyway, so why not give it a chance?

[patience]

mgirl,

 

I dont' know if I will say anything to her or not. I hadn't thought of that. If she was interested, I really do think she would have called by now, but then again, it hasn't been quite a full week yet. A lot of people wait a week before calling so that they don't look desperate. I am going to stick to my plan of not calling her until at least two full weeks of not hearing from her have passed. I'm not okay with her keeping my stuff!

[mgirl]

Yeah, i wouldn't be either. Why do women have to be so complicated?! I would make a last-ditch effort when i go to get my things if i were you, but by then you will probably be over it. What usually happens with me is that i am interested in the person, stress out over it for a while, think to myself, "this isn't going to happen", and then i just get over it. Sometimes i tell them, sometimes i don't, but when they come back and say, "i really doo like you", i think to myself, "too bad, i'm over it". Sometimes i actually say this... it's really fun rubbing salt in the wounds... (i really am a nice person, i just get sick of game players).

 

I 'kind of' 'like (although i'm not sure what it is) somebody at the moment but i am sick of being perved at but no move is made. It shouldn't be always up to me. I am getting frustrated and contemptious at the moment. As each day goes passed, i get more and more angry or frustrated and think to myself, "one day... one day" (meaning, one day you'll realise you could have had something good). I guess i look at this girl and think that i am going to be okay in my life, but she is the one with the problems and hanging around with all the wrong people. Anyway, i can't stay angry at her for too long, which annoys me, because i get frustrated when i am not with her, but when i see her it all just floats away. I feel like i am wasting my time being frustrated but i can't just let it go because it really annoys me. If you like someone, you should just make a move. Wait, don't tell me... "she's just not that into me"!

[patience]

i get frustrated when i am not with her, but when i see her it all just floats away

 

I know exactly what you mean! Unless you are living in a large city where there are a lot of women to choose from, it is hard to find someone compatible who is also lesbian or bi. I think that we tend to lower our standards a bit because we know just how hard it is to find someone who isn't straight, married, 'just curious', or a game player of some sort.

 

Have you asked her for coffee yet? Obviously you like her.

[mgirl]

I know what you mean about 'lowering standards' and that is something i am very aware of. I think we should have first choice all the time, like heterosexual people do (or have more of a chance at). I see second and third best around me all the time and i whilst i understand their choices, i don't think i want to do that myself because i would feel like i was ripping myself off. I would rather go without than have second or lower choice, hence why i am single!.

 

With this girl it's kind of simple but complicated. We work together and we work around alcohol so that skews things somewhat. I think she's on one big bender and i can't be bothered with it. Just sitting down to write this, i realise i am almost over it. If she wants to make those choices, that's her problem. I know one thing, i am heading for the right path so if anybody wants to come with me, that's fine! If not, care factor zero 0X

 

Oh, and i haven't asked her out for coffee. I can barely get close enough wth all those so-called 'friends' of hers! Whatever.

[patience]

mgirl,

 

Your friend sounds like someone to have fun with, dancing and hanging out, but nothing more. It probably is best to see her for what she is, and leave it at that. Alcohol and lesbians, not a good mix.

[Cadence308]

Alcohol and lesbians, not a good mix.

 

LOL

I guess I don't have enough experience at the moment to comment on this. I can just sit back and laugh and hope I don't experience this!

[mgirl]

Haha, yeah, that is quite funny. You're right about seeing it for what it is, which is Not much! It's kind of hard, that's why i want to get out of that industry, because every time i meet somebody they turn out to be a drug addict or a loser!

[mgirl]

Hi Patience,

 

I've just thought further about what you said and yes, you're right, i am going to see it for what it is. Very sobering advice.

[patience]

Well, still no phone call, and it has been a week now. I feel disappointed. A close friend of mine knows this woman as well, and she told me that she rarely calls anyone, that it is just not her style. Now I'm confused as to what to do. If I call her, she might think I'm being pushy, if I don't, she might think I'm not all that interested! She has my stuff, so I figure it is her who owes me the phone call though. What do you think womyn? What the heck do I do?

 

p.s. mgirl, I really think you are better off without getting too close to troubled women. That doesn't mean you can't have fun when you're out, just keep in mind that what you see is pretty much what you get. Don't expect a messed up woman to suddenly be ready for a real relationship. You cannot 'fix' these women. They need to heal themselves on their own terms, in their own way, on their own time. I've known women who stayed messed up for years, just repeating the same patterns over and over again. It's sad, and it's a big problem in the lesbian community actually. Please don't "wait" for your friend to change. There ARE healthy women out there, you just have to look in the right places.

[Cadence308]

Well, patience, it has been one week already and you have been waiting patiently. Why bother dragging this out longer than you have to? The sooner you know how this woman feels and what she wants, the better off you will be. I think you should call her and tell her that you have not heard from her and was wondering how she is. Then tell her you were wondering when you could come by her place to retrieve your things. Then do that and see if she asks to meet up later or get together.

 

Like mgirl said, "What have you got to lose at this point?"

[patience]

hi Ballys,

 

I know I should just call. This whole waiting business is just plain silly! What does it matter who calls who? If she likes me, she won't be upset that I called...if she freaks out if I call, well, that tells me everything I want to know. I'm wondering if she said she'll call because maybe she never broke up with her bf afterall and doesn't want me to call her? Maybe she has something to hide? This is all so ridiculous really!

[mgirl]

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