how do i get through to him without seeming jealous?

[shorty20]

ok, so there was a guy that I was kind of seeing. I was on the re-bound and so was he, and the relationship was strictly a physical attraction. We never discussed being in a relationship, and never decided that it would amount to that. After a while of him constantly talking about his ex, I finally told him that he needed to go back to her, because he obviously had feelings for her. He did try, but she was already with someone else. He tried to come back to me after that, but I told him he needed to think abou things a little bit more, because I didn't want to be his fall back girl. So this was last thursday that this happened. After he tried to come on to me, and I basically refused to do anything sexual with him because I didn't want to make the same mistake twice, we said we'd be friends. He said I was a great person and made him want to be a better person, and that I inspired him. After everything was said and done, I told him I didn't regret the sexual things we had done in the past, and that the only way that I would regret them or be mad is if he stopped calling me after we decided to be friends, because this would mean that he was using me for the sexual stuff. This was all last thursday and now he has made little to no effort to contact me. We've talked since then, but only because we have mutual friends and we'd all been hanging out, but he hasn't called me to talk or to go out to lunch like he used to. I learned yesturday that he's been trying to get with another girl. It dosent upset me that he's trying to get with someone else, it just pisses me off that because he couldn't get any from me, he totally stopped trying to be friends at all, and just went to another girl! I don't know how to handle this, because I do want to be friends, and help him to better himself and not look for his self-esteem in other girls that don't give a sh*t about him, but I don't know how to approach him without seeming jealous that he's trying to be with someone else! Any help would be appreciated, because I do care about him, but don't want to be with him. I'm afraid if I try to approach him, he'll just think I'm mad cuz he's trying to be with someone else! What should I do??

[Shidoshi]

After a while of him constantly talking about his ex, I finally told him that he needed to go back to her, because he obviously had feelings for her. He did try, but she was already with someone else. He tried to come back to me after that, but I told him he needed to think abou things a little bit more, because I didn't want to be his fall back girl.

Why were you worried about being his "fall back" girl if all you guys were doing was hooking up? You were becoming "jealous" because he was still wanting to be with the ex.

After he tried to come on to me, and I basically refused to do anything sexual with him because I didn't want to make the same mistake twice, we said we'd be friends.

This was mistake #3. After having done what you did, you really believe you could be "platonic" friends? You made a strategic move to try and get more of the attention you wanted.

After everything was said and done, I told him I didn't regret the sexual things we had done in the past, and that the only way that I would regret them or be mad is if he stopped calling me after we decided to be friends, because this would mean that he was using me for the sexual stuff.

You BOTH were doing the casual sex thing. You can't expect him to see you differently just because you've decided to stop and be friends. Remember, YOU were the one who didn't want to have sex anymore. You started out having sex before you built any kind of real bond. What do you expect?

This was all last thursday and now he has made little to no effort to contact me. We've talked since then, but only because we have mutual friends and we'd all been hanging out, but he hasn't called me to talk or to go out to lunch like he used to.

You're surprised at this?

I learned yesturday that he's been trying to get with another girl.

Yes, someone who's going to give him sex.

It dosent upset me that he's trying to get with someone else, it just pisses me off that because he couldn't get any from me, he totally stopped trying to be friends at all, and just went to another girl!

Look, this guy tried to get back with his ex but he couldn't. He was fine doing the casual thing with you, but you couldn't handle him wanting to be with the ex so you decided to cut off the sex. Why would he still be putting effort into being your friend when that's not how you started this whole thing? You said it yourself, you guys were both on the rebound.

I don't know how to handle this, because I do want to be friends, and help him to better himself and not look for his self-esteem in other girls that don't give a sh*t about him, but I don't know how to approach him without seeming jealous that he's trying to be with someone else!

You are clearly in denial, because you ARE jealous. Look at the circumstances in which you to met.

Any help would be appreciated, because I do care about him, but don't want to be with him.

I would advise you to let it go. The guy wants to get laid, and he's going to do whatever it takes to make it happen. His "self-esteem" is in his own hands, and you'd be surprised how guys get a boost in self-esteem after having sex.

I'm afraid if I try to approach him, he'll just think I'm mad cuz he's trying to be with someone else! What should I do??

I assume you're still single, because if you were with someone else I doubt you would still be pouring energy into this. If you approach him he will know immediately that you're jealous. It's very obvious to me that you are but you don't want to come off as such. Why would you even "care" about someone who doesn't make an effort to contact you anymore? My advice is to move on.

[shorty20]

Im not jelouse at all. I have other guys that I talk to, but am taking time to myself to figure out what I want. This guy and I started out as just friends. We started doing sexual things after he broke up with his ex. It wasn't just sexual, but also a friendship. What I was trying to get accross in the post was that I wasn't mad because we had never discussed being in a relationship... we had discussed that we were just going to take it slow and let things happen... he said that he needed some time to get over his ex... but then constantly talked about her. It's not like we were f*ck buddies, it's like we were very good friends, and the potential for a relationship was there, but in the future... we knew we neither of us were ready for a serious relationship so soon... but we did open up to each other and become very close... the reason I don't want a relationship with him is because I realized how immature he was... he's a great friend but not what i'm looking for in a guy... i dunno maybe i wrote that post a little differently then I thought i did because obviously you missunderstood some things..

[DN]

What it all boils down to in the end is: what do you want? And can you get it?

 

If you want a friendship only and he is not prepared to give you that then the reasons become a side issue and constantly worrying about them will stop you getting over him and finding someone who will give you what you want.

 

If you want a relationship in the classic sense - talk to him about that. If he doesn't want to do that - see above.

 

If you don't want either then move on.

 

Just remember that you can't make and/or change the 'rules' of a relationship by yourself and then be surprised if the other person won't follow them. They also have the right to pursue what they want.

[Shidoshi]

Yes, details are important, but my advice is the same. I'll give it to you straight. Guys "befriend" women they're attracted to, and when I say "attracted" I mean women they would have sex with. It doesn't matter when it happens or if it happens, but that is the underlying reason in most cases. Ok, so you both had break-ups, great, then you two "hooked-up." He still wants his ex but YOU want to be the one he wants, so you you cut off sex (not saying you shouldn't have, because you obviously wanted more.).

 

Even if you had a discussion about being friends, that's just not enough for most guys. We need sex (women do as well), and personally, if I'm not getting it from a woman who I had recently been with (especially if she just cuts me off) I'm going to go looking elsewhere. If I don't remain "friends" with her it means I'm not really getting anything out of it. You can't force these types of things, if he isn't contacting you leave it be. You wouldn't be THIS upset if you weren't jealous. You cut off sex because you were JEALOUS. There's nothing wrong with that, be honest with yourself.

 

A lot of women can't do the casual thing because it doesn't suit them. Men and women can't be "close" friends without there being some kind of sexual tension there. If either one or both aren't being satisfied it's going to cause situations like this, and it usually means the friendship is over if things don't pan out.

We started doing sexual things after he broke up with his ex.

Yes, and it's no coincidence.

 

Why are you trying to salvage a friendship with an immature guy who you wouldn't want to be in a relationship with? It just doesn't add up.

[shorty20]

because although he is immature in a relationship sense, he is a great guy. He came to me to confide in me, and for a friendship. There was an attraction, but the thing is is that u guys said well thats all he was after is sex... what confuses me is that the last time we did sexual things, he got all weird about it... said what we were doing was wrong and that he didn't feel right about it... that he liked being with me, but that he didn't want it to be all about sex... thats what confuses me. He says all of those things and then acts differently... i have no desire to be with him. There are numerous other guys who want a relationship with me that can give me so much more than he can... it's just that i don't like giving up on people... we were good friends at one point. I don't think that being sexual a few times should change how close we were before if neither of us are interested in a relationship anymore. I didn't necessarily cut him off... but he was talking about me and him being together and having an actual relationship the day after he found out his ex was taken. Thats why I told him he needed to think a little more and give it some time, because I didn't want to be his "fall back" girl that he went to whenever things didn't work out with someone else.

[DN]

Why do you keep saying he is immature about the relationship? Why are you being mature and he is not?

[shorty20]

because I don't believe that it is mature to act like you want to be with someone to their face, and then turn around and act like you want to be with someone else to another person. It shows that he thrives on the attention of females... thats where he gets his confidence and his self esteem... I think that to have a mature relationship you need to be confident in yourself first, because otherwise you are needing those people to feel good about urself...thats what he does and that is what makes him immature in that sense.

[DN]

Sorry, still don't get it.

 

ok, so there was a guy that I was kind of seeing. I was on the re-bound and so was he, and the relationship was strictly a physical attraction. We never discussed being in a relationship, and never decided that it would amount to that.

 

You have also changed what you want. It seems you are blaming him because now you don't want the same thing. I can't see why he is being less mature than you are because he isn't allowing you to be in charge of the rules of the relationship.

[shorty20]

no, he's trying to be a player because he was trying to make me think that he was into me so I would keep doing sexual things with him. I'm not trying to argue with you, but I think that you have the wrong idea. I worded that wrong in the origional forum, because although we didn't state right away that we were "together" he acted that way. He was very cuddly with me even when his friends were around, and treated me like we were together. Like said i don't know why i'm trying to defend myself against you here. I don't know how you can call me immature when what i was doing was deciding that instead of getting more emotionally involved with someone I know is trying to be a player I cut it off so I wouldn't get hurt. Now I'm just trying to figure out how to remain friends like we used to be because we did have a very close relationship. I don't care about the fact that he was trying to play me, because it was stupid of me not to see it in the first place, and I know that he is just not used to being single. I'm not mad about that. I'm just mad that since he's not getting it from me, he's not calling me or talking to me like he used to.... I don't understand how you are justifying this.... it's fu**ed up because he specificallyh told me he wasn't going to use me and he did.

[DN]

I'm not trying to justify his actions at all - or yours. I think you both made an error in not communicating to each other at the very start what you expected from the relationship and you have since compounded the error.

 

I am not a believer in 'friends with benefits', but some people seem to think they work - but if they do it is because both people are clear about what they want. Which is not a bad idea for any sort of relationship.

 

My main point though, is that it is not a good idea to say that someone is immature when they do not do what you want - or when a relationship goes bad. Because by doing that you are essentially putting all the blame for what went wrong on immaturity and failing to look at anything you may have done to contribute in any way to the problem. "Immaturity' is a label - and usually covers up rather then explains.

[shorty20]

ok, i understand what you are saying. I'm not justifying my actions in any way. I knew that there was a possibility that he was just on the re-bound when we started getting together, so I should have had my guard up and taken things slower. I do believe he is immature relationship wise for me. I need someone who knows what they want and goes after it. He can't decide what he wants to he tries to have it all. To me, it's like we're back in highschool. I guess that I'm just used to being with older guys who have their priorities streight and their heads on right. Guys that don't use me, but rather like me for me, ya know? But you are right, I made the mistake of doing it in the first place. So you don't think I should even try to salvage the friendship? I mean, this forum is making me think more and more that even though I'm not mad that it didn't work out, I'm mad that he couldn't just be honest with me. I'm mad that he couldn't be streight up with me and tell me what he wanted, when we had discussions before about him being honest with me... I guess i'm just not used guys my age that are still playing the field and being players because I have always been a long-term relationship kind of girl and always been into older guys...

[DN]

If you are that mad at him I would not try to salvage the friendship. To be honest, it doesn't seem as if there is much to salvage. Best to find someone who is on the same page as you relationship-wise - and if you do that and this guy is still lurking about it could sabotage or at least complicate the new relationship.

[shorty20]

ok, thanx all for helping me figure out all of my stuff. I know what i need to do now... and you are right... i just need to let it go and move on to whatever the next chapter of my life is. Thanx for helping me figure it out guys!

[Amannamederic]

thisll sound random but wow...i wish i lived in nebraska

 

nice pic

 

-Eric