I [21M] turned her [21 F] down after her behavior that disturbed me.

[rchubn]

I also think you should work on you definition of bizarre and disturbing. These could be victims of abuse, victims of criminal activity... witness protection program isnt just in the movies

[ArchieAnon]

You guys took photos of them? They could be abuse victims. Her father could have a higher profile career and not want photos of them. There could be a lot of reasons. I think you're overreacting and could've done a better job assuring her that the photos were in fact deleted.

 

There could be a number of reason why someone wouldn't want a photo of them out there. Specially if theres an event, with photos of their face, in a specific location where someone could find them. There could be a lot of unknown reasons (unknown to you) why they wouldn't of wanted their photo taken.

 

I'm guessing you gave her the third degree as to why she'd want these photos deleted instead of assuring her they would be deleted, which probably made her doubt if you've respected what she was saying to you and deleted them like you were asked to.

 

I suggest you leave the girl alone. Sounds like you knew they were sensitive about photography and instead of alerting your dad or talking to them about it beforehand, you let it happen and then acted surprised and almost insulted (?) they left the event.

 

If you respected the girl and her family, these would be precautions you would've taken BEFORE the event. If you cared about her enough you'd do everything in your power to make sure her father is comfortable and that everything is getting deleted.

 

I think some of this story is left out...

Firstly, the point is literally that we did NOT actually take pictures of them, unless you want to count a picture of the audience / crowd that was at the event. I'm not sure how you managed to miss that, to be honest.

 

Secondly, I literally sent the one picture (the one of the crowd) to them, assured them that it was the only one in which they were even visible (and barely visible, at that), and asked if they still had a problem with it (and would have gladly deleted it). That is when they proceeded to say that what I was telling them was not believable, and that my dad certainly, in their view, was taking close-up pictures of them (people he's never even met, mind you, and while standing on the complete opposite side of the large room). I respected their wishes as well as I possibly could have, I believe.

 

Thirdly, I did inform her beforehand that my dad would be filming at this event, which she volunteered to go to. I'll admit I did not warn my dad beforehand about their sensitivities, simply because had not realized the severity of it, and also a situation like what unfolded did not even cross my mind as being in the realm of possibility. Not that it mattered, anyways, since my father did NOT take any pictures or film specifically of them. And you can be sure as hell that I'll remember the severity of their sensitivities next time.

 

And fourthly, the part of it I found disturbing was the fact that they were so quick to be accusatory, essentially labeling me a liar and my dad as a man of questionable character / intent. I am NOT insulted that they left the event; that was the least of my worries during a night of false accusations against one of my family members.

[rchubn]

Firstly, the point is literally that we did NOT actually take pictures of them, unless you want to count a picture of the audience / crowd that was at the event. I'm not sure how you managed to miss that, to be honest.

 

Secondly, I literally sent the one picture (the one of the crowd) to them, assured them that it was the only one in which they were even visible (and barely visible, at that), and asked if they still had a problem with it (and would have gladly deleted it). That is when they proceeded to say that what I was telling them was not believable, and that my dad certainly, in their view, was taking close-up pictures of them (people he's never even met, mind you, and while standing on the complete opposite side of the large room). I respected their wishes as well as I possibly could have, I believe.

 

Thirdly, I did inform her beforehand that my dad would be filming at this event, which she volunteered to go to. I'll admit I did not warn my dad beforehand about their sensitivities, simply because had not realized the severity of it, and also a situation like what unfolded did not even cross my mind as being in the realm of possibility. Not that it mattered, anyways, since my father did NOT take any pictures or film specifically of them. And you can be sure as hell that I'll remember the severity of their sensitivities next time.

 

And fourthly, the part of it I found disturbing was the fact that they were so quick to be accusatory, essentially labeling me a liar and my dad as a man of questionable character / intent. I am NOT insulted that they left the event; that was the least of my worries during a night of false accusations against one of my family members.

Oh cmon now... If you want accurate advice tell the WHOLE story.

 

I can't see how you could be talking to this girl, getting close, everything going smoothly and then she just flat out calls you a liar over these pictures unless you made a big deal about it yourself or you were somehow pushing her to explain why she wanted them removed. I can't see how things can escalate to that level. It sounds like you did some pushing and got a sour reaction and now you're shifting the blame on her and her father for being "bizarre"

 

Considering you STILL like her, I'm going to assume that there's more to the story. If you like her and you want advice perhaps posting the entire story would help us, help you out.

 

Something isn't right...

 

I'm going to assume that you threw a sour response about her leaving early (instead of approaching the situation calmly, hearing her out, trying to decipher if this is HER issue or something her dad has an issue with) and that set the mood for an overall sour encounter that eventually lead her to doubt you. Why would a girl you're romantically involved with switch on you like this unless you insulted her. Just my opinion...

 

My guess:

- She left.

- Asked you to delete something.

- (Something happened here that you're not sharing for whatever reason. Probably to paint her as crazy, you either questioned her too hard, insulted her, stuck your nose where it doesn't belong. Something...)

- ^This set her off causing her to switch on you. She called you a liar and questioned if you actually deleted it.

 

 

I don't mean to point fingers but if you somehow insulted this girl and you truly like her, its important that you get out of that "everyone else is crazy" mindset and you level yourself to a position where you're able to see if you possible insulted this girl with something you said. It doesn't justify her leaving your event or calling you names but it might save your friendship/relationship you're able to see the situation through someone else's eyes.

 

Bottom line... something made someone visibly uncomfortable. It's not our job to decipher WHY it made them uncomfortable, it's our job to politely apologize and make it right. Someone "feeling" something isn't up to debate. You can't debate how someone feels and these two clearly felt uncomfortable. You are both in the wrong

[rchubn]

You're focusing too much on the photos and whether they were in them. You need to focus more on that fact that something you and your father did, upset the girl you liked causing her and her father to leave. A simple:

 

"I'm sorry you guys had to leave early. I was really bummed you missed the show. However, I understand the photo situation and I can promise you that anything showing you or your fathers face will be deleted. You have my word. Again, apologies if you were uncomfortable. That wasn't my intent :)"

 

Then,

 

Maybe she sends you an apology for leaving your event early. Maybe she opens up a little and explains herself a bit, maybe she doesn't. Either way you keep it mellow and civil.

 

This is how grown ups solve their problems. Again, you cannot debate someone's feelings and these two felt uncomfortable.

[ArchieAnon]

Oh cmon now... If you want accurate advice tell the WHOLE story.

 

I can't see how you could be talking to this girl, getting close, everything going smoothly and then she just flat out calls you a liar over these pictures unless you made a big deal about it yourself or you were somehow pushing her to explain why she wanted them removed. I can't see how things can escalate to that level. It sounds like you did some pushing and got a sour reaction and now you're shifting the blame on her and her father for being "bizarre"

 

Considering you STILL like her, I'm going to assume that there's more to the story. If you like her and you want advice perhaps posting the entire story would help us, help you out.

 

Something isn't right...

 

I'm going to assume that you threw a sour response about her leaving early (instead of approaching the situation calmly, hearing her out, trying to decipher if this is HER issue or something her dad has an issue with) and that set the mood for an overall sour encounter that eventually lead her to doubt you. Why would a girl you're romantically involved with switch on you like this unless you insulted her. Just my opinion...

 

My guess:

- She left.

- Asked you to delete something.

- (Something happened here that you're not sharing for whatever reason. Probably to paint her as crazy, you either questioned her too hard, insulted her, stuck your nose where it doesn't belong. Something...)

- ^This set her off causing her to switch on you. She called you a liar and questioned if you actually deleted it.

 

 

I don't mean to point fingers but if you somehow insulted this girl and you truly like her, its important that you get out of that "everyone else is crazy" mindset and you level yourself to a position where you're able to see if you possible insulted this girl with something you said. It doesn't justify her leaving your event or calling you names but it might save your friendship/relationship you're able to see the situation through someone else's eyes.

 

Bottom line... something made someone visibly uncomfortable. It's not our job to decipher WHY it made them uncomfortable, it's our job to politely apologize and make it right. Someone "feeling" something isn't up to debate. You can't debate how someone feels and these two clearly felt uncomfortable. You are both in the wrong

I will say that you're right that I omitted something after she asked me to delete pictures, and that's because it seemed fairly unimportant to the story. After they asked me to delete pictures, they also asked to meet me at a restaurant they were at to talk about it. They also said it was okay if I didn't want to. This restaurant happened to be 20 minutes away from where I currently was, and 30 minutes away from my house. Since it was late at night already and a trip to this restaurant would be around an hour commitment, I politely asked if we could discuss it another time. They said okay, and I then returned home.

 

Once I was home, I looked through the pictures, and without questioning anything she's done or said, I sent her the one picture of the crowd we had, politely explaining the truth of the matter. I even asked if they had a problem with it. That is when I received the response "I'm sorry but that's just not believable...", along with a large wall of text describing my dad's supposed behavior and how disturbing it was.

 

You're making a lot of guesses and assumptions about the situation, when I'm laying out everything for you. I get that there's two sides to every story and that you're trying to make sense of the matter. Trust me, I've been trying to do the same. I believe, as well as most of the other people who've commented on the OP, that this was at the very least a strange occasion. And she's already given me an explanation of why the rule of no-pictures, and it simply had to do with an overprotective father and the way he's raised his children (unless, of course, there was more to it that they were not allowed to tell me). Regardless, I still have yet to see why it was necessary to make bizarre accusations against my family and show distrust in my word.

[rchubn]

I will say that you're right that I omitted something after she asked me to delete pictures, and that's because it seemed fairly unimportant to the story. After they asked me to delete pictures, they also asked to meet me at a restaurant they were at to talk about it. They also said it was okay if I didn't want to. This restaurant happened to be 20 minutes away from where I currently was, and 30 minutes away from my house. Since it was late at night already and a trip to this restaurant would be around an hour commitment, I politely asked if we could discuss it another time. They said okay, and I then returned home.

 

Once I was home, I looked through the pictures, and without questioning anything she's done or said, I sent her the one picture of the crowd we had, politely explaining the truth of the matter. I even asked if they had a problem with it. That is when I received the response "I'm sorry but that's just not believable...", along with a large wall of text describing my dad's supposed behavior and how disturbing it was.

 

You're making a lot of guesses and assumptions about the situation, when I'm laying out everything for you. I get that there's two sides to every story and that you're trying to make sense of the matter. Trust me, I've been trying to do the same. I believe, as well as most of the other people who've commented on the OP, that this was at the very least a strange occasion. And she's already given me an explanation of why the rule of no-pictures, and it simply had to do with an overprotective father and the way he's raised his children (unless, of course, there was more to it that they were not allowed to tell me). Regardless, I still have yet to see why it was necessary to make bizarre accusations against my family and show distrust in my word.

It sounds like they asked you to discuss it with them at the restaurant. Probably situation where they could actually say their piece and explain. I'd say that was your olive branch and you declining was... well... the branch being declined. I can see how this would be frustrating to them. OP, I dont want it to seem like I'm attacking you but it sounds to me like that restaurant date wasn't optional and that they really needed that time to explain their side. That was their time to explain and maybe apologize to you. I'm sure that, had you went, you would have this issue resolved by now.

 

It sounds like a missed opportunity on top of miscommunication that eventually lead to a sour encounter. It's just an awkward situation where you're both wrong but no one wants to communicate or admit their wrong in order to bridge the gap. I feel she was trying to do that by inviting you and then you declined and she probably wanted to at least make sure you were deleting the photos since you declined their offer.

 

You shouldn't really hold a grunge when it comes to things said out of anger. You said they called your family bizarre but you've called them bizarre too. It's fair.

 

If you like the girl be a bigger person and apologize. It feels like you hold grudges and chatting with you, cant see you apologizing.

 

So I guess the next step is accepting it's over and moving on... Those are kind of the options. I see her asking you to the restaurant as her trying to explain and fix this and then I see you denying their invite without rescheduling as you denying her reaching out to fix things. That's how I would see it if I were in her shoes.

[ArchieAnon]

It sounds like they asked you to discuss it with them at the restaurant. Probably situation where they could actually say their piece and explain. I'd say that was your olive branch and you declining was... well... the branch being declined. I can see how this would be frustrating to them. OP, I dont want it to seem like I'm attacking you but it sounds to me like that restaurant date wasn't optional and that they really needed that time to explain their side. That was their time to explain and maybe apologize to you. I'm sure that, had you went, you would have this issue resolved by now.

 

It sounds like a missed opportunity on top of miscommunication that eventually lead to a sour encounter. It's just an awkward situation where you're both wrong but no one wants to communicate or admit their wrong in order to bridge the gap. I feel she was trying to do that by inviting you and then you declined and she probably wanted to at least make sure you were deleting the photos since you declined their offer.

 

You shouldn't really hold a grunge when it comes to things said out of anger. You said they called your family bizarre but you've called them bizarre too. It's fair.

 

If you like the girl be a bigger person and apologize. It feels like you hold grudges and chatting with you, cant see you apologizing.

 

So I guess the next step is accepting it's over and moving on... Those are kind of the options. I see her asking you to the restaurant as her trying to explain and fix this and then I see you denying their invite without rescheduling as you denying her reaching out to fix things. That's how I would see it if I were in her shoes.

 

I have actually apologized for the fact that they had to leave early, and I thanked them for taking the time to attend the event. Besides that, I don't want to apologize for something my family and I did not do, you know?

 

Perhaps it'd be beneficial to have a second conversation with this girl about it, or perhaps it'd be better just to let time heal it. I do care about at least a friendship with this girl, so if I feel the need to have another conversation about it, I will. Lately I've just been trying to give her space.